


Prove Me Wrong

by joshlerstan



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-06
Updated: 2016-09-08
Packaged: 2018-04-30 05:59:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 32
Words: 95,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5152898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/joshlerstan/pseuds/joshlerstan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tyler is a 19 year old boy, born and raised in Columbus, Ohio. After moving to California to attend Stanford University, he meets someone who makes him think a little too much. Everything Tyler was taught as a child is coming back to haunt him, all because of a pretty boy with blue hair. He knows it's wrong but he can't help himself. He's falling in love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Pilot

I've never been attracted to girls. I mean, they're beautiful, but I'm not sexually attracted to them. At all. I'm 19 years old and I have never been in love. I haven't even been in a proper relationship; the girl I had a 'crush on' in 2nd grade doesn't count. Because I have never been in a relationship, I've never had sex either. Being a virgin at 19 doesn't suit anyone very well. Trust me when I say I am horny all the time. I don't get turned on when I think about girls or see a nice pair of boobs. I don't really know why I get horny. Maybe it's just nature. 

My parents assume that I lost my virginity in High School. I have tried convincing them that I am still a virgin but they refuse to listen to me. They're stubborn to say the least. I love my parents though, don't get me wrong. They raised me very well. They've looked out for me my entire life. I was blessed to have such an amazing childhood. My father is a pastor at the most renowned Church in my city, which made me the most popular kid in school. I'm pretty well known in Columbus for being sort of perfect. I'm not perfect, I just come across that way. I worked with the kids at my Church for years before I graduated High School. Balancing a perfect GPA and helping out with the youth group was difficult, but I loved it. The kids loved me and so did their parents. I am not trying to make myself out to be some perfect Christian boy but- well, yes I am actually. But for good reason. With all of this being said, people in my town are expecting me to continue on with my perfect life. Graduate college, follow in the footsteps of my father and become a Pastor, find a beautiful wife, have children, grandchildren, live happily ever after. Right now my perfect life is kind of shitty. I never use bad words but I feel like that is the only word that best describes my current situation. I'm off to college in a few days. I've been attending community college for the past year for personal reasons, putting my spot at Stanford on hold. But it's finally time for me to get out of Ohio. I have only been to California once to visit the campus. It was nice and very warm. I feel as if I should be more excited to be moving to California but I've been crying every night for about two weeks. I don't want to leave my family and my Church and my friends and my cats. I've always been uncomfortable with change. I am scared of leaving my home for California, the state of sin. That place isn't very welcoming to people like me. I'm a small, lanky, religious teenager. I don't fit in well with all of the wild, beautiful, you-only-live-once teenagers. But this is an amazing opportunity and I can't give it up just because I have a little anxiety. 

"Tyler Robert!" I hear my mother yell from downstairs.  
"Yes mother! I will be down soon!"  
My plane leaves in about an hour. I am crying. Not sobbing crying, I just have tears steaming down my face and I can't stop them from falling. I'm moving to California today. Stanford University is waiting for me. They have my dorm set up and everything. I'm laying in bed next to my cat, Ariel. She knows I'm leaving. I start crying again.  
"Tyler! Now!" My mother is pissed. I get up and grab my coffee and put on my beanie before kissing Ariel one last time in between her ears and walking down the stairs. I run into the bathroom and wipe my face. I sit down on the toilet and sigh. I am moving to California today. I no longer live in Ohio. It's all starting to sink in now. I walk out of the bathroom and outside where my parents are putting my bags and some snacks into the family car. I nearly throw up.  
"Tyler, can you ever be on time for something? Maybe once?" My father says, sounding annoyed. He's nervous too.  
"Sorry." I say in a monotone voice. I put my coffee into the cup holder in the back seat. I hate coffee. I run back inside of the house. I walk into the bathroom again and slam the door shut. I sit down in front of the toilet. My stomach feels like it's filled with balloons. I keep waiting to be sick but nothing happens. My mother knocks quietly on the door before opening it, stepping inside, and closing it behind her. I don't look up. She sits beside me on the floor and runs her fingers through my hair. I shut my eyes.  
"Tyler...sweet heart", her voice is soft "I know you're scared. We all are. But you will be fine. I promise you will do just fine."  
She continues to run her fingers through my hair like she did when I was sick as a child. I open my eyes and wipe the tears off of my cheeks for the forth time this morning. I stand up, exit the bathroom, and make my way back to the car. 

The drive to the airport was uncomfortable and silent. The butterflies in my stomach hadn't calmed down yet. I wanted to speak, to say that I didn't even want to go to University, but I bit my tongue. I kept thinking about my perfect life. I want to be happy. I want to find joy somehow. Maybe moving to California won't be so bad. Maybe I'll finally find the love of my life. I starting thinking more optimistically. Having a positive attitude is my best chance of surviving in the State of Sin. The sun was starting to rise. I looked out of the window and pressed my nose to the glass, pulling my beanie down over my eyes. I prayed. I prayed for my safety on the plane. I prayed that my room mate would be kind. I prayed that I would find my classes okay. I prayed for joy. I prayed for someone to finally love me. I prayed for a good 10 minutes. I thanked God for giving me this opportunity. I hope He was listening. 

My father had been driving for about 30 minutes. I knew the airport was close. I was really nervous and I wasn't ready to get on that plane. The car slowed to a stop. I felt my stomach drop and kept my beanie over my eyes until I was sure that I wouldn't cry.  
"It's time Ty. We'll get your bags checked while you use the restroom." my mother said in a nice sounding voice. It calmed my nerves.  
I opened the car door and starting walking towards the Airport. I was taking deep breaths. I felt like I was going to have a panic attack. My anxiety was suffocating me.  
"Mother", I spoke quietly, though she wasn't close to me.  
"Mother!" I said again, louder so she'd hear me. She stopped walking and turned around.  
"Yes Tyler, what is it dear?"  
"How long is the flight..." I didn't really care I just needed a distraction.  
"It's about seven or so hours with the connecting flights. Why do you ask?" she sounded curious. She must think I am going crazy.  
"I- I was just wondering I guess." I felt my throat tighten up. I was about to start crying so I walked past my parents and into the Airport. 

"Mother I don't want to go. I don't want to leave." I whispered through my teeth. The plane was about to start boarding. My mother and I were both crying. She was only crying because I was crying.  
"Oh honey I know you don't want to right now...You're just nervous. Once you get situated you'll forget all about me and you father." she smiled at me and rubbed her hands up and down my arms. A typical mom thing.  
"No I won't mother. I'll never be okay." I pouted. I was being dramatic.  
My father giggled. "Tyler don't be silly. You always end up being okay, you know this." my mother nodded her head and smiled.  
"Tyler Robert stop your crying right now. You are going to be just fine." my mother pinched my cheeks.  
"Mother. Stop it..." I grabbed her hands and put them back by her side. She smiled and hugged me. My father too. They both squeezed me as tight as humanly possible.  
"Delta Airline Flight 2B now boarding." I heard the woman on the intercom speak. It was time.  
"Okay Tyler this is it," my mother said with a semi-excited look on her face.  
I held in my tears. I'm going to be fine. I grabbed my ticket and my bags and walked towards the entrance to the plane. I hugged my mother and father again. My mother whispered positive things in my ear, making me smile.  
"I love you. I'm going to miss you so much." I said, failing to hold in my tears.  
"We love you too, son. You can call us anytime you need. If there's ever a problem we will be there overnight." my father said to me. His voice was strong and confident. I hope to one day achieve a voice like his.  
"Okay I will," I hugged them, again. "I guess...Goodbye..."  
"Goodbye Tyler." my mother was crying again.  
I gave the nice lady my ticket and started walking away from my parents. I turned around while I was walking nearly tripping over my luggage. I waved at them and my mother and I blew kisses. It looks exactly like it does in the movies. You know, where the parents wave goodbye to their child who is going off to college. I am going off to college. They were far out of sight now. They started letting us on the plane now. There was no turning back. I was going to college.


	2. Flight

My father bought me first class tickets. I told him that it wasn't necessary but like I said earlier, he's very stubborn. I'm feeling anxious about the flight. I've flown dozens of times but I've never been alone. I've always had my parents or my friends by my side. I don't want to text my parents yet. It hasn't even been ten minutes since I last saw them. I grab my phone out of my pocket and text Lexi. We became friends in Elementary School. She's the only person I can really talk to about myself and all of my problems. She's doing another year of community college and then transferring to Stanford. I don't want to wait that long but it's the best for her. My parents used to think we were some sort of 'couple'. I've convinced them that Lexi is basically my sister. I'm an only child but I consider her family. 

'hi lexi'

'hi tyler. wait aren't u flying out today?? like right now?? why are u on ur phone??'

'the plane hasn't taken off yet. im scared.'

'what's wrong what happened'

'nothing i just don't want to go to college i wish i could stay in high school forever'

'dude you're too smart to stay in high school forever. you'll love stanford you'll be surrounded by geniuses like urself'

'ok....why couldn't u just do one year of cc like me so we could transfer together.'

'ty we've been over this...i have more credits now so i can graduate at the about the same time as u'

'still dumb. im going to be all lonely and sad without u.'

'no way, you'll make so many genius friends. you've always been a popular guy ppl will like u.'

"Attention passengers. At this time please turn all cellphones and electronics off or on airplane mode and fasten your seat belts. We will be taking off in a few moments." The intercom is loud and it scares me. I start feeling anxious again. At least I have this row of seats to myself. I don't know what I'd do if I had to sit beside a stranger for 6 hours. I'd probably lose my mind. 

'lexi i have to go ill talk to u when i land'

'alright dude. don't freak out. u got this'

I turn my phone on airplane mode and retrieve the earbuds from my sweatpants pocket. I turn my music on. It's going to be a long flight and I'm not sure I'll be able to sleep. I start to feel the plane move and I squeeze my hands into fists. I close my eyes and take deep breathes, trying to calm myself down. I've been on a lot of planes so I'm not sure why I am suddenly afraid. Before I know it, we're in the air. I sigh. I'm not as anxious anymore. I check the time. 7:32am. The time zone in LA is three hours behind the time in Ohio. I need to keep that in mind. I concentrate on the music I'm listening to and attempt to fall asleep. 

I had fallen asleep a little while after the plane took off. When I woke up I was confused and nervous. When I found out where I was I was even more nervous. I check the time on my phone. It's 10:45am. I slept for a good three hours. About an hour later the plane landed and I got off and made my way to my connecting flight. I was almost in California and for the first time I was actually excited. Thirty minutes of waiting and the plane that would take me to California started boarding. This plane was bigger and fancier. I sat down in my seat. This time I was sitting next to a two men. They were both in their thirties and had suits on. I figured that they were on some sort of business trip. A few minutes had passed before the flight attendants came out and gave us instructions and safety tips. Not long after that the plane began to take off. All of my nerves were gone now and I was more excited than anything. I looked over at the two men sitting next to me and saw one of them give the other a kiss. Oh. I wiggled uncomfortably in my seat and turned away. I think they noticed my reaction and whispered to each other.  
"Homophobic douche." One of them said.  
"Shh.." The other man responded back, darting his eyes from me to the man he had just kissed.  
I began to feel angry. I have never witnessed something like that before in real life. I was angry, but not at the men. I was just angry in general. I don't know why. My father told me at a very young age that being gay is a sin. He told me why it was wrong and that gay people are abominations. I never thought twice about it. I can feel my cheeks burning. I turn on the music in my headphones and go back to sleep. 

The intercom is loud and it disturbed my sleep. The woman said there was only fifteen minutes left until we land. The butterflies have returned to my stomach. I smile out of excitement. I can't believe this is really happening. I'm an official collage student now and at one of the best University's in the country. I pray again, this time I thank God for what He's provided for me. I feel overwhelmingly blessed. 

When the plane finally lands, the two men beside me grab their bags, knocking mine to the floor. They smirk. I lean down to grab my bag and trip into the lap of one of the one who called me a 'homophobic douche' earlier. Great.  
"Oh- I- sorry. So sorry um.." I stand back up and grab my bag from the floor.  
Both men are holding in their laughter. I can feel the cheeks getting pink.  
"Don't worry, kid," the man who's lap I had fallen into said, "all is forgiven." He gives me a wink and walks off of the plane.  
His partner smiled and shook his head before following him.  
I stand there blushing like a doofus for a good minute trying to comprehend what had just happened. I was embarrassed to say the least; but I was smiling too. I ignore the strange tingling feeling in my stomach as I walk through the airport and find the rest of my luggage. It feels different here. Different in a good way. I eventually find my luggage and sigh in relief. I was worried that it would be lost or stolen. I have a taxi waiting to drive me to Stanford. I'm currently in San Francisco and the drive to Stanford isn't a long one, thankfully. I decide to use the rest room before the drive. While in mid-pee, one of the men from the plane walks in. Goodness. What a great surprise. He recognized me immediately and starts smiling. I keep my head down and walk over to the sinks to wash my hands. I pray that he won't speak to me. Please don't speak to me....He does.  
"Can I tell you something kid?" Before I even open my mouth to say 'No' he keeps talking.  
"Being gay isn't a bad thing. It's not something anyone should be ashamed of either. It's not a choice." He says as he approaches the sinks next to me.  
"I'm not gay." I say drying my hands with a paper towel as fast as I can.  
"I didn't say you were gay. Why did you think I was referring to you?" His smile widens. I stop drying my hands and stand frozen in place, staring at the ground.  
"Hm. Something to think about eh?" He reaches over and grabs a paper towel. He walks out of the door without another word. 

I stand silently with the paper towel in my hands for too long. I throw it away and head outside to find my taxi. I don't even know what just happened. I don't feel right. I don't feel like myself. I see my taxi and get it. My hands are shaking.  
"Stanford University right?" The man asks me.  
"Yes and thank you, sir." I say quickly and nervously. My hands won't stop shaking. I grab my phone from my pocket and text Lexi. 

'hi im in a taxi.'

'tyler!!! good! how was your flight? :o'

'oh it was okay um have my parents texted u or anything'

'ya ur mom did how'd u know?'

'they always text u when they're worried about me.'

'oh haha well I told ur mom that you'd be okay.'

'thx. what about u and sam?'

'r u srsly asking me about sam. it's ur first day at STANFORD'

'did u guys not work out??'

'....no we did not'

'oh that's too bad. what happened?'

'it was one date ty we just didn't feel anything it happens all the time'

'i wouldn't know'

"Almost to the campus bud." The driver says. I look up from my phone and nod. Lexi texted me back but I decide to answer when I get settled in. The short one way conversation that just occurred with the man from the plane won't leave my mind. I am confused and frustrated. I don't want to think about what it meant any longer. I shake my head and check the time. It's close to dinner time. The only thing I have eaten today is a bagel and coffee. I'm surprised that I'm not hungrier. I look out of the window. California truly is a beautiful state. I start recognizing the scenery and I know we're close to the campus. A few moments later, we approach the big building on campus where all of the important things happen. My hands haven't stopped shaking yet. I put my phone in my pocket and unbuckle my seatbelt as the car slows to a stop. The driver and I get out. He helps me with my bags and wishes me luck. I thank the nice man and give him a tip. He returns the thanks and smiles. I start walking to that big building. I am terrified. I see a few students walking around outside of the dorms. I wonder what my room mate is going to be like. I hope he is a nice guy. 

I finally enter the main building and the desk workers give me everything I need to become an official stupid and tips on how to survive on campus. They give me a key to my dorm and I ask if they know my roommate. None of them know him personally but they say they've only heard nice things about him. A huge weight has been lifted off of my chest. I thank them all and head out to the dorms. I guess this is really it. Time to meet the person I'll be sharing a room with for the next few years. My anxiety isn't terrible, surprisingly. As I walk into the dorm building I stop momentarily to take everything in. I take a few deep breaths and continue walking. My room is on the second floor. I walk up few flight of stairs and find the dorm marked 204. I take the key out of my pocket before putting it back in. I don't know if this guy knows I'm coming. I should knock just in case. So I do. I knock twice. And I wait. A tall boy opens the door almost immediately and smiles. My stomach starts doing that tingly thing again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiiiii thanks for reading. Writing this has become an addiction so chapter three will probably be up tonight or tomorrow morning. Have a good day xo xo


	3. Blue

My heart was beating close to 100 beats per minute. All of the butterflies in my stomach were going crazy. I felt sick, but in a good way.  
"You must be...." The boy pauses and looks down at his feet. He opens the door for me to enter.  
"Tyler! Yes that's it. Come in. Yeah." He says sort of excitedly.  
"Hi." I say quietly. I smile nervously and enter the dorm.  
It's nice. Very small, but a cozy kind of small. There are two beds, bunk beds. I look over to see mini fridge and a sink and then look back over to the beds. He has the top bunk which won't be much of a problem. I like the bottom better anyways. I put my bags down next to my bed and sigh.  
"OH YEAH. Sorry. I'm Josh by the way," he holds out his hand for me and I shake it.  
He has big hands like my father does. Mine are small and soft. I frown momentary before realizing I still had hold of his hand. I let go and smiled.  
"Hi nice to meet you. I'm Tyler." I say anxiously. I sound like a 12 year old when I speak.  
He smiles at me again and I look down.  
"Very nice to meet you Tyler," he tries to make eye contact but I clear my throat and walk over to my bags so that I can unpack, "this is your first year at Stanford right?" He asks me.  
"Yes uh I- I did a year of community college back at home-um- I'm from Ohio." Why did I have to tell him that I'm from Ohio? I didn't have to tell him that. What's wrong with me?  
"Nice. So you're 19..20..?" He asks trailing off a bit.  
"I just turned 19 actually. A few weeks ago."  
"Oh okay. I just turned 21. I'm a sophomore." He nods his head.  
I continue to unpack. The butterflies in my stomach have calmed down a bit and I feel quite relieved that this Josh boy is friendly. He seems kind so I hope I am able to get along with him well. He has blue hair. Very bright blue hair that looks like cotton candy. He has a nose ring, too. I want to ask him if it hurt to get his nose poked with a needle but that is too creepy. I have all of my clothes unpacked now. I sigh for a few seconds and then sit down on the bottom bunk.  
"Is this my bed? I see that your stuff is on the top so..."  
"Yeah you can have either one it doesn't matter to me."  
"I prefer the bottom."  
"Oh." He smirks.  
"What is it?" I ask, pouting.  
"Nothing. It's nothing," He shakes his head and smiles at me, "anyways. There are a few things you're going to need to know about the dorms. Small rules that every student has to follow."  
He walks over to the bed and sits down rather close next to me.  
I notice that my legs are crossed so I uncross them and get situated the best I can. 

"First off," he begins, "the showers have both hot and cold water which is great. The shower times are from 4:30 to 9am and 7:30 to 10pm. I usually go in the morning because there's less people. There's soap and shampoo provided but they're shit so I buy my own. Did you..bring soap and stuff?" He looks at me.  
"Yes I brought my own." I smile uncomfortably.  
"Alright good. So there's the food situation. Obviously there's not much in that mini fridge but there are snacks and waters and beers but you're only 19 so be careful, and-"  
"I don't drink." I interrupt him.  
He smiles as wide as humanly possible, his eyes crinkling. "Of course you don't." He giggles and returns to what he was saying.  
"There's a cafeteria right down there," he points, "that always has food. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner. And there's a sandwich place about a block from campus that students eat at a lot. Do you have a car yet?" He asked me, turning his body towards mine.  
"No not yet. I was hoping to get one this week before classes start." I smile. I can't stop smiling.  
"Okay well I can help you find one there's a lot of car lots around here. I can give a ride and stuff." He says politely.  
"Thank you but I was just thinking about taking a taxi or something."  
"A taxi?" He snorts, "why in the hell would you want to take a taxi when I'm offering you a ride?" He shakes his head. 

He talks to me about Stanford and how he loves it here. He tells me that I shouldn't be too nervous about getting to all of my classes okay. He said that the campus is big but easy to navigate. He's very helpful. I like him. He gets a beer from the fridge and makes his way back over to me.  
"So Tyler," he cracks it open and sits back down next to me on the bed, "what're your plans? Your life goals..." He looks up to the sky dramatically and sips his beer.  
"I'm not sure...I want to become a teacher..but my parents want me to become a Pastor..I just don't know yet." I trail off. I sound dumb.  
"A Pastor huh," he smiles and his eyes crinkly again, "like at a Church? Hmmm..."  
"Yes at a Church." I come off as defensive. I guess I am being defensive.  
"I think teaching at a school is a much better idea." He tilts his beer back and takes a few sips before setting it down on the table next to our beds.  
"Why do you say that," I stand up and grab a coaster from the table drawer and set his beer on it. He watches me intently, "what's wrong with preaching at a Church?" I ask, genuinely curious.  
"I mean it's your choice I don't give a fuck what you do with your life." He looks up at me.  
I'm standing in front of him with my hands on my hips. He's staring at me. I sit back next to him on the bed.  
"You should do what you want to do, Tyler. Not what your parents want you to do." He looks into my eyes.  
It makes me nervous but I don't look away. I just sit there and let him stare into me. I start feeling strange, out of myself. It's the same feeling I got after the man from the plane spoke to me in the bathroom. I feel like I'm in some sort of trance. I want to remove my eyes from him, to get up and run out of the room. I want to scream and push him away from me. But I don't. I just sit there. My eyes are burning and my stomach feels funny. A good minute and a half has passed and neither one of us have moved an inch. I don't know what's happening to me. The air must be different here. It's making me act strange. 

Josh finally breaks eye contact and reaches over and picks up his beer.  
"Hm," he hums, sort of puzzled, "Interesting." He smiles and starts chugging his beer.  
I'm confused. I don't move yet. I just have my head facing down, frozen. For some reason I don't want to move. So I don't.  
"I'd like to be friends, Tyler," he says after he finishes his beer, "that's not going to be a problem is it?" He sits his empty beer back onto the table. He doesn't even put it on the coaster I set out for him.  
"No. Why would it be a problem?" I finally stand up just so I can put his beer in the trash can where it belongs. He laughs.  
"You're cute." He stops smiling right when the words leave his mouth. I turn around quickly to face the opposite direction. I don't turn back around because my cheeks feel warm and red. Did he just call me cute? The tingling in my stomach is back. I ignore it.  
"Um-I'm sorry- I didn't mean to-" he stands up but doesn't go anywhere, "I just meant, that it's- the way you clean up after me- it's cute that- fuck never mind I don't even know what I'm saying." He sits back down. I stay turned away from him because I think my entire face is flushed and I'm smiling. I shouldn't be smiling. I shouldn't be excited that a boy called me cute. Plenty of girls have called me cute. Teachers, parents, even strangers have called me cute but I've never gotten excited over it before. What's wrong with me? I need to get out of this room as soon as possible. Without turning around or saying goodbye I walk out of the room. I shut the door behind me. 

I heard Josh yell my name a few times before cursing and giving up. What is wrong with me. What is wrong with me. What in heavens name is wrong with me. I walk down the stairs and into the fresh air. I don't know where I'm going I just need a little space. I haven't eaten yet! My stomach is growling and I haven't even noticed. Josh said something about a sandwich place a block away from campus. I really need to get a car. My father gave me plenty enough money to buy a nice one. I decide to just walk to eat even though I have no idea where the restaurant is or what it's even called. 

I only walked 15 minutes until I found the small restaurant. It was almost dark outside so I need to hurry and get my food. I don't want to walk back in the dark. I approach the menu next to the cash register where a lady with lots of eye makeup asked me for my order. I was hungry but had no appetite. I ordered a cheese and turkey sub with a cookie and a Coke. I really didn't want to eat but my stomach was begging for food. Less than three minutes later, my food was ready. I asked if I could take it to go so they brought it to me in a box. I thanked them and began to walk home. 

It was already dark outside. I tried to stay calm but I was scared to say the least. I heard a while ago that a lot of robbery occurs near Stanford. I walked faster. I felt like someone was following me. I ignored it because I know I'm just scared, no one is really behind me. I tightened the grip on my food and walked even faster. I hate being in the dark alone. I'm about 10 minutes away from campus. I just need to walk 10 more minutes and I'll be safe. I felt nervous and scared and I wish I had never left Josh. I should've asked him to come with me. I turned around to make sure no one was following me and thought I saw a figure about a yard behind me. I must be imagining it. I started to run. I was panicking. I know I'm just imagining things. I'm crazy. I'm just crazy. I was back on campus now but I hadn't stopped running. I opened the door to the dorm building and ran into someone, falling straight to the ground. I started crying immediately. They're going to kill me. They're going to kill me.  
"Tyler?" I heard Josh's voice.  
Relief washed over me. I was still on the ground, trying my hardest to stop crying. My food was on the ground next to me, still in the box thankfully. However my Coke had spilled everywhere. Great.  
"Tyler are you okay? What happened?" Josh bent down next to me and helped me to me feet.  
I sniffled and wiped my sweatshirt sleeve under my nose, "Sorry." I whispered.  
"Why are you apologizing? Are you alright, Tyler?" Josh asked with a worried look on his face.  
"I'm okay I just went to get food and then it was dark and I thought someone was following me so I started running and it was really dark and I was really scared and I didn't mean to run into you and now my Coke is spilled all over the ground and I'm sorry." I said quickly while picking up my food.  
"You're okay now Tyler. Don't worry about the soda. Someone will clean it up later." I nodded. 

We both walked up the stairs and into the dorm. I felt terrible and had completely lost my appetite. I sat down at the small table in the middle of the room and opened my food. I got the cookie out first and took a bite. I saw Josh looking at me funny.  
"What." I said to him.  
"Nothing it's just...why are eating the cookie first?" He grinned at me.  
"I don't know. I'm not that hungry..." I answered him.  
"Mkay." Josh smiled. His eyes crinkled.  
I love that. The way his eyes crinkle when he smiles. But I also hate it because it makes me feel things. Wrong things. Bad things. 

I finish the cookie and start on my sandwich. It tastes good for just a regular sandwich. It's split into two halves so I eat one half and save the rest for later. Josh hasn't taken his eyes off of me yet. He watched me the entire time I was eating. I should care that he's staring at me the way he is, but I don't. I want him to stare at me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i couldn't wait any longer to upload this. im writing the fourth chapter now so it should be up by tomorrow. thanks for reading!!


	4. Heat

It's 8:34pm. I'm on the roof of the dorm building. Josh said he goes up there a lot to talk on the phone or to just have some quiet time to himself.

"Yes mother he's a nice boy. He's been very helpful." 

My mother is asking me all kinds of questions. 

"How old is he again?"

"He's 21."

"He doesn't drink alcohol or do drugs does he Tyler?"

"No he doesn't do any of that mother."

I lied. 

"Okay... Well your father and I are very proud of you."

I smile. 

"Thanks mother."

It's 11pm in Ohio and I know my mother is tired. We've been talking for 30 minutes now and I'm not sure if she'll ever hang up. 

"Well....it is getting late for you isn't it? I'll let you go dear. Call me anytime you need to. Oh, and text me your schedule again so I know when you're available."

"Okay mother I will do that. I'll talk to you tomorrow. Love you and goodnight."

"Goodnight Tyler. Your father and I love you too."

"Bye."

I hang up the phone and put it into my pocket. I don't want to go back down to my dorm yet. I'm still confused about what happened today with the man from the plane and with Josh. I wish I could redo it all. I wish I understood these feelings. I am so frustrated at myself. Why do I want to stay up and talk to Josh all night long? Why do I want to know every small detail about him? I haven't texted Lexi back yet and I don't think I will tonight. I need to get my head straight first.  
"Hey." I hear a voice say behind me. I turn around, frightened. It's Josh.  
"How long have you been there?" I asked him semi-annoyed.  
"I just heard your goodbyes that's all." He put his hands into his pockets and looked down.  
His hair looks beautiful in this lighting. It looks neon almost. I want to ask him a hundred personal questions but I know I shouldn't.  
"I just came to make sure you didn't fall off the roof." Josh says, interrupting my thoughts about him.  
"I didn't fall." I say with a grin on my face. I can't help myself.  
"I'm glad you didn't fall, Tyler." He says back to me.  
I nod my head and walk past him, down the stairs and into our dorm room. He follows behind me. 

It's only 9pm. I'm not very tired because I slept a lot on the plane but there's nothing else to do but sleep. I usually just sleep in my underwear but now that I have a room mate I should at least wear shorts to bed. I open my drawer and get out a pair of basketball shorts. Josh is laying on the top bunk on his phone. I don't want to change in front of him. That'd be awkward, I mean, I just met him this afternoon. I take my shorts and decide to change into them in the bathroom out in the hallway.  
"Where're you going?" Josh asks me looking up from his phone.  
"To change into these," I hold up the shorts and walk out of the door.  
The bathrooms are nice considering they've been used by college boys for years and years. I change into my shorts quickly and exit the bathroom. I walk into the dorm room. I should've knocked. Josh is changing clothes. His shirt is off and he's looking through his drawers. I close the door behind me.  
"Um." I say awkwardly.  
Josh doesn't even flinch. He just turns around and says "Hey."

His arms are big and one of them is covered in color. He has a few tattoos but they take up his entire arm. I couldn't see them under his sweatshirt. I am fascinated by them. It looks like someone painted a beautiful art piece on his arm. I am tempted to ask him how long it took to complete the tattoo, and how badly it hurt. I keep quiet. I snap back to reality. I've been standing here staring at his body for about a minute now. Embarrassed, I walk over to the fridge and grab a water. I drink half of it and put on my bed side table. 

It's 9:30 now. I should try and get some sleep. I plan on looking for a car tomorrow. Classes start on Monday so I have two days to do whatever I want basically. 

"I'm going to bed. Talk to you in the morning." I tell Josh.  
He looks over at me but doesn't say anything. Did I do something wrong? He turns back around and puts on a T-shirt. I make sure he isn't looking and take mine off. I slide into bed. I look over at him and he's staring at me again.  
"What?" I ask rather loud. Josh shakes his head and walks over to the beds. He turns the lamp off and the room gets dark. He climbs up the small ladder and lays back down on his bunk. I close my eyes and pray. I pray for forgiveness.

2:30am. I'm wide awake. I woke up and had to go to the bathroom but I can't fall back asleep. I have too much on my mind. Josh's body is on my mind. The way the muscles in his back moved with the ones in his arms. The contrast of his tattoos and his bright blue hair. I shouldn't be thinking about him this way. I mentally punch myself in the stomach and turn over onto my side. I'm horny. I'm horny? Wait what? I pray for forgiveness again and fall back to sleep. 

I wake up again. This time it's 7:29am. I decide to get up and get breakfast. Josh is still sleeping and don't want to wake up him up so I quietly put my shirt on, grab my phone, and walk out of our dorm. I use the bathroom before realizing I have no idea where the cafeteria is. Josh pointed to where it was but being completely honest, I wasn't paying attention. I wash my hands and go back into the dorm. I want to wake Josh because I'm hungry but I let him sleep. He looks so pretty when he's sleeping. I shouldn't be thinking that. Why am I even thinking that. I climb back into bed and grab my phone. I decide to text Lexi back. 

'hi.'

'tyler wtf where have u been'

'busy getting situated and stuff'

'you've met ur roommate. tell me all about him.'

'he's great. like rlly great. and he has blue hair and a nose ring'

'he sounds hot. is he hot?'

'how am i supposed to know'

'cmon tyler don't play dumb.'

'what do u mean???'

'are u attracted to him'

'what? No'

'tyler I'm not ur parents & I'm not going to tell them either.'

'i have to go talk to u later bye'

I turn my phone off before she can reply. Why does she think that I'm gay? I've never said I was attracted to a boy in my entire life. I haven't said I was attracted to a girl either. Whatever. I know I'm not gay. I'm just confused. Everyone gets confused sometimes, right? 

I hear Josh stretch and yawn from above me. He's finally awake. He climbs down and I see that he's wearing nothing but boxer briefs. I feel my cheeks burn. He walks over to the fridge and grabs a water. He doesn't know I'm awake. I don't make a sound. My eyes are wide at the sight of him. His back, his arms, his legs...I can feel myself getting hot. I close my eyes and breathe as slowly as possible, trying to calm myself down. Why am I suddenly amused by this mans body? My shorts feel tight. I've never had this kind of feeling before and it's driving me crazy. Josh slides a pair of sweatpants on and walks out into the hallway. I let out the breath I was holding. Thank goodness. 

I sit up in bed and put my head in my hands, softly tugging on my hair. What a weird experience that was. I put it at the back of my mind like I've been doing for the past two days. Josh walks back in and I sit up straight.  
"Good morning." He says in a groggy voice.  
"Morning."  
"How'd you sleep?" He asks me as he pulls a T-shirt over his head.  
"Okay," I lied, "how about you?"  
"Good thanks. Are you hungry?" He asks walking over to me.  
"Yes."  
"Do you want breakfast? That sandwich place has great pancakes." He exclaimed.  
"That'd be nice." I smile and stand up. I'm relieved to find that my situation from a few moments earlier is gone completely. I follow Josh out of the door.

The drive was quiet but it wasn't awkward. When we arrived to Daisey's, that's the name of the restaurant, we got a nice booth by a window. I picked up the breakfast menu and looked for something to eat.  
"Their chocolate chip pancakes are the best." Josh pointed to the picture. My mouth watered at the thought of them.  
We both ordered the pancakes and ate them quickly.  
"These are sooo good!" I said with my mouth full. Josh laughed, nearly choking.  
We finished them and the waitress came by and gave us our ticket. I argued with Josh about who's paying. I tried to pay for myself but he wouldn't let me. He's stubborn. Josh ended up paying for the both of us. 

On the drive back to campus Josh asked me a bunch of questions about what I was like in High School.  
"I was really popular!" I told him.  
"Were you really?"  
"Yes! Everyone loved me. They thought I was a cool kid. I was a pretty cool kid."  
"You don't come across as a cool kid Tyler." Josh looked over at me momentary before putting his concentration back on the road.  
"Trust me. My father is a Pastor at the most popular Church in Columbus. Everyone knew who he was so everyone knew who I was."  
"Wow that sounds so cool. Did you go to like a Christian school or something?" Josh grinned and looked over at me briefly.  
"Yes I did actually." I said. I crossed my arms and pouted.  
"Oh." It was silent for a few seconds before we both burst out into laughter.  
"Stop! Stop! You're going to crash this car!" I yelled at Josh and hit his shoulder. He finally calmed down and focused on getting us back to campus safely.

When we got back to the dorms, we brushed our teeth and chilled in our room while our food digested.  
"I need a car." I said, breaking the silence.  
"We can go look for one later today." I nodded.  
Josh was on the top bunk and I was on the bottom. We were enjoying the quiet. For some reason I liked sitting in a room with him doing nothing. I liked feeling his presence. I wanted to climb up onto his bed and lay beside him but I didn't. I stayed underneath him. I was getting sleepy again. I always get tired after I eat. Before I know it, I'm drifting off to sleep. 

~

"Tyler." Am I dreaming?  
"Tyler wake up..." I hear a soft voice say my name and slowly open my eyes. Light fills my head.  
"Hi Tyler." Josh is waking me up, his hand on my shoulder.  
"Hi." I say with a slight smile on my face. I like the way he woke me up. He didn't yell my name several times, like my parents did all through High School.  
"Are you awake?" Josh asks me a little louder. I nod my head and stand up out of bed to stretch.  
"Sorry I didn't want to wake you. You looked so peaceful..." Josh says trailing off, "but I figured we should go look for you a car soon. It'll be less crowded if we go now." Josh explains to me. I nod my head again.  
"Thank you for waking me. I need to get on a better sleep schedule." I smile and walk over to my drawers to pick out an outfit. 

It's a warm day today. It's warm everyday in California. I decide to wear my black jeans with the rips in the knees. Along with a plain grey shirt, and my black vans. I love vans. They're my favorite shoes. I have four pairs. I gather my outfit together and head to the bathroom.  
"Are you going to change clothes in the bathroom forever?" I hear Josh say behind me.  
I turn around and see him half dressed, pulling his jeans up, shirtless. I blush and turn back around facing the door.  
"Um. I- I don't know." I smile nervously and walk out of the door. I drop my shoes but I keep on going. 

When we're both dressed and ready to go, we get into Josh's car and he starts driving.  
"Do you know where we're going?" I ask Josh.  
"Yes, I know where we're going. I've lived in Stanford my whole life. There are three car lots you can choose from." I notice the way Josh grips the steering wheel. His hands are big and strong. He's a good driver and I feel safe while in his car. That's a rare feeling.  
"Oh..." I keep my eyes on his hands, "I didn't know that. That you lived here for so long."  
Josh hums, "Born and raised."  
"Aren't you tired of it now? Living here? Don't you want to get out? Like, start somewhere new or something?" I ask him with a puzzled look on my face.  
I don't know how someone could stay in the same place for so long and not get sick of it.  
"Well Tyler, I actually love it here. I don't want to leave just yet. Plus I have family and friends here." He nods in my direction.  
"Hm." I want to ask him about his family and what they're like. I want to ask him a lot of things.  
"I have a sister who's a senior in High School. She wants to attend Sanford too." Josh tells me, as if he was reading my mind.  
"I'm an only child." I reply back, fiddling with my fingers in my lap.  
"You seem like an only child." I look over at him and he's smiling.  
"What do you mean by that?" I look back over at him. He's still smiling.  
"Oh you know...overly polite, shy, kind of a genius..."  
"I'm not overly polite. Or shy." I say crossing my arms.  
"But you are a genius?" Josh laughs.  
I don't respond.  
"Aw Tyler c'mon. I didn't mean any of that in a bad way. But you are shy."  
"How am I shy?" I broke my 10 seconds of silence.  
"You won't even change your shirt in the same room as me!"  
"That's being polite." I say, crossing my arms again.  
"Overly polite."

We pull into a small car dealership. I assume that they're selling used cars only. Before I can realize it, Josh had gotten out of the car and opened my door for me. I smiled and got out.  
"Do you know what kind of car you're interested in buying?" Josh asks me as we walk into the lot.  
I shrug my shoulders, "Just something that works."  
"Okay I think we can find a car that works here, Tyler." He tells me. 

We look through the selection of cars for about 10 minutes. A man comes out to help us and answer questions.  
"This one," I say with my hand on the roof of a small white car, "I like this one."  
The man tells me all kinds of information on the car. I don't understand any of it. Josh is listening to him and asking him questions. He knows what he's doing. I'm glad I brought him along. I stand behind Josh and nod occasionally.  
"What do you think Tyler?" I hear Josh's voice say in front of me. He turns around. The man and him are both looking at me, waiting for answer.  
"What? Oh yes. I like it." I look at Josh for help.  
"He'll take it."

I fill out paper work for a long time. My father gave me instructions on what to do but I've forgotten a lot of it. Josh is very helpful.  
When I finish the paper work I use my credit card to pay a little of the cost now. I decided to pay it off like tuition.  
"How much is on that thing?" Josh whispers over my shoulder as I'm paying. I shrug my shoulders and sigh.  
The car I bought is nice. It's small, but it's nice. 

I text my mother on the drive back to campus. I tell her that I got a car and she was pleased. Josh said he'd drive me back to the dealership tomorrow to get my car when it's ready for me. He's a life saver. 

Josh parks his car in front of the dorms and we walk side by side up the stairs. He unlocks the door to our room and enters the room. Josh stops. I look over at him and his face has gone completely white. I look over to the bunk beds and see a boy with bleach blonde hair sitting on Josh's bunk.

"Josh, babe, you left your fucking belt in my room last weekend!" The boy says in a high pitched voice.  
He jumps down with the belt in his hands and sets it on Josh's dresser. The boy with the crazy hair looks at me with a sly smile plastered on his face. Josh stays silent, frozen in place.  
"Oooo and who is this? A new trick?" He walks up to me and looks me up and down, "He's young. Nice." He winks at me and looks over at Josh, who still hasn't moved an inch.  
"Josh? Will I see you again?" The boy asks Josh. He's standing uncomfortably close to him.  
"I- um- I don't know Jesse. I'll..call you later." Josh stumbles with his words, speaking quietly.  
"Oh I see. You've moved on already," Jesse, that's his name, fakes a gasp and puts us hand over his heart, "my feelings are hurt badly Josh."  
Josh doesn't move. He doesn't do anything. I start to feel nervous. I want to leave the room. I feel like I shouldn't be here.  
"Oh I'm only kidding. No hard feelings?" Jesse smiles widely and kisses Josh on the cheek. My stomach drops. I feel my entire body ignite with anger. I look over at both of them with a scowl on my face.  
Jesse sees me and whispers, "Sheesh. A jealous one." He looks at Josh one last time with a smile before walking out of the door.  
Josh and I stand in place for what seems like hours in. Neither of us move or speak. Josh looks up at me finally but I avoid eye contact. What just happened? I know exactly what happened I just don't want to believe it.  
I look up at Josh. He looks back at me. I shake my head and walk straight out of our dorm room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im not sure if people are reading this or if im just writing this for myself either way, it's fun. this chapter is kinda eh until the end but ill try and make the next one more exciting ayy. alright see you next time.


	5. Wasted

"Tyler!" I keep walking.  
"Tyler!" I walk faster.   
"Tyler, please!" I start running. I run to the stairway. I run up the stairs. I run on to the roof. If I had my car I wouldn't have to run. I could drive far away. But I don't have a car so I'm sitting down at the edge of the roof with arms wrapped around myself. My cheeks are wet. I wipe them away the best I can.

This changes everything. Doesn't it? This is bad. This is wrong. Josh is gay.   
Being gay is bad. Being gay is wrong. I'm trying to convince myself of this. It isn't working very well. I know what I'm supposed to think about Josh. I'm supposed to hate him. I'm supposed to get away from him, he's an abomination. This is what I've been taught, it's what I've always known. I don't hate Josh. I want to hate him but I don't. I want to be disgusted by him. But I'm not. 

For my entire life I stood by my beliefs. My faith is what makes me whole; at least I thought it did. Yet, I don't see anything wrong with being gay. At first I did but as I got older my feelings changed. I don't know why I'm so different from everyone else I grew up with. I've heard what the people in my Church have to say about homosexuality. I've heard the sermons on it. It's a sin. "Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind. It is abomination." Leviticus 18:22. I have that verse memorized because it's the only Bible verse I haven't completely accepted as true. Does this make me a bad Christian? I bow my head and pray. 

I'm scared of what's going to happen next. If my parents found out that Josh was gay they would have the administration move me to another dorm. I don't want to that to happen. But I don't want to be around Josh all of the time either. It's confusing. I want to be close to him but at the same time I want to be far away. It's as if I have some sort of an obligation to stay away from him.

I pull my knees from my chest and lift my head. The view from this roof is stunning. I notice how close I am to the edge and scoot back a few inches. I've been sitting here for almost an hour thinking about everything. Josh hasn't come to find me yet which I'm slightly disappointed about. I wonder if he's with Jesse. I start becoming angry again. I'm anger at the thought of Jesse and Josh together. They were together last weekend. It was probably a one night stand. Josh didn't act interested in him at all. Maybe it was because I was standing right beside him. I don't know why I care so much? It's the most awful thing in the world being confused about your feelings towards someone.

My stomach is growling. I haven't left the roof yet. It's been two and a half hours. I mentally debate whether or not I should talk to Josh as I walk down the stairs. I retrieve the key to our dorm from my pocket and unlock the door. The room is empty. I sigh loudly and plop down onto my bunk. I screwed up. Josh thinks I hate him now. I don't have his phone number so I can't call him. He's with Jesse. He's kissing him right now. I shake my head vigorously and get my phone from my pocket. I try and turn it on to text Lexi but it's dead. Great.

I eat my left over sandwich from last night. It's almost 7pm and Josh is still gone. He should have at least left a note explaining where he was and when he'd be back. Being honest, I hope he doesn't come back tonight. I have no idea what I'm going to say to him. I don't want to talk to anyone. I just want to feel something, anything other than what I'm feeling right now. I open the mini fridge and look inside. There's a few waters, some fruit cups, a bottle of ketchup, and a lot of beers. I pick one up and hold it in my hand. I close my eyes. What am I doing? This isn't me? I've lost all self control. There's a bottle opener on top of the fridge. I grab it and open the beer. There's a loud popping noise that takes me by surprise. I look down at the drink in my hand. 

I know this is a bad idea. This is a terrible idea and I'm going to regret it later. But I need something to take my mind off of Josh. I shake my head and tip the bottle back, letting it run down my throat. Instantly, my stomach and throat burn. I cringe at the taste. How do people drink this stuff and enjoy it? I stop thinking about it and take another chug. It's God awful yes, but I'd rather concentrate on this drink than on what Josh is doing to Jesse right this very moment. I keep on drinking it. My stomach is on fire but I don't care anymore. I don't care about Josh or Jesse. I think it's working. 

I finish the bottle and grab another one. I open it and walk over to my bunk, sitting down. I feel dizzy but in a good way. I start wondering what Josh even sees in Jesse. Why is he so special? I drink the entire beer and get up to get a third. I think back to yesterday when Josh called me cute. He called me cute and it made me excited. It made me feel special, like I meant something to him. I'm stupid for thinking that. 

I'm halfway through my fourth beer and I feel great. I don't really feel anything at all. It's been a long time since I've felt nothing. Why didn't I start drinking sooner? I love alcohol. 

When I finish the drink I let the bottle fall to the floor. Usually I'd want to throw it away but I don't care. I don't care! What an amazing feeling! I love alcohol. I love being drunk. I reach over and get my phone off of the charger. 

One missed call from Father  
Two missed calls from Mother  
Six unread messages from Lexi

I grin at the screen. I'm so popular. I go to Lexi's contact and call her. I put my phone up to my ear and hear it start ringing. It keeps ringing. She doesn't pick up. I frown and throw my phone across the bed. It's only 10pm in Columbus why didn't she answer? I go to pick up my phone and try her again when I hear the door open. I gasp and pull the covers over my head. I look out from under them and see Josh shutting the door. Josh!  
"Josh!" I yell as I get out of bed and stand up. I almost fall over. Woah. I really am drunk.  
"Joooosh," I slur his name and trip forward, "I was getting nervous."  
Josh looks at me with a terrified look on his face.   
"Tyler?" He says approaching me.   
"Yes Josh," I put my hands on his shoulders, "it's me Tyler."  
He looks down at my hands. He grabs my wrists and puts them back by my side. Rude.   
"Tyler..." Josh says rubbing his temples.  
"YES JOSH!" I scream and step away from up. I back up and fall onto my bed. Ow.  
"Are you drunk?" Josh has a serious look on his face. He takes a few steps towards me and bends down next the bunk and looks into my eyes.   
"Yeah," I say looking down at his feet, "I was bored."  
"You were bored? You said you didn't drink remember?" I keep my head down, "How much did you have to drink?" He lowers his head into my eye sight so I look up.   
"Can't remember." I cross my arms over my chest.   
"Yes you can. Tell me." Josh raises his eyebrows at me. Why is he acting like my mother? I don't have to answer his questions.   
"Four."  
"Four beers? Tyler..." Josh puts his head in his hands and stands up.   
"Where were you?" I stand up and almost fall over again. Josh puts his hands on my shoulders and sits me back down onto the bed.   
"I was with a friend. Why did you get yourself drunk Tyler? You'll regret it in the morning."   
"Okay." I recross my arms and sigh. I'm not going to let him treat me like a child. I'm not a child. He's only two years older than me anyways.   
"Here," Josh made me a glass of water and was handing it to me, "it'll help you sober up."  
"I don't want it." I turn my head in the opposite direction.  
"Just drink the damn water, Tyler don't be stubborn." Josh tells me, obviously annoyed.   
"Why are you being mean to me?" I frown.   
I can feel all of my emotions slowly returning. How did my mood change so quickly? One moment I was happy and calm and now I'm upset and have tears in my eyes. I don't like being drunk anymore.   
"I'm not being mean Tyler." He holds out the water again and I take it. 

Josh sits in a chair by the table and watches me as I sip on the water. I try not to look at him. When will he bring up what happened earlier today? Why didn't he tell me he was with Jesse? Why is he staring at me with a sad look on his face? I want to get another beer out of the fridge and drink the whole thing but that's not an option now. I'm forced to deal with what I feel. There are no more distractions.

I'm still drunk. I'm still not myself. Josh and I haven't spoken at all in the last 30 minutes and I can feel the tension in the room. We both can feel it. I want to speak. I want to talk to Josh. I'm too nervous.   
"How are you feeling?" Josh breaks the silence.   
"I feel fine." I say so quietly it's almost a whisper.   
Josh nods his head and taps his knuckles on the table. I feel terrible. I'm drunk but everything I was feeling before that first beer has returned. Now it's heightened. Everything that has happened in the past two days hits me. Right now it hits me. What is wrong with me? What have I gotten myself into? I'm never going to be happy here. I knew I should have stayed in Ohio. 

"Tyler? What's wrong?" Josh is standing in front of me again. I look up at him and his face is full of worry. It takes me a few moments to realize that I'm crying.   
"I'm tired." I don't know what else to say. I can't tell him the real reason why I'm crying. I can't do it tonight.   
"Okay well it is getting late. You need to sleep." I nod my head. Tears are still streaming down my cheeks. Josh helps me up and leads me to the bathroom to clean up. When we get back to the dorm he starts helping me under the covers before I stop him.   
"Wait- I don't want to sleep in these clothes." I tell him slowly.   
"Let me help you take them off.." Josh unbuttons my jeans and helps me slide them down my legs. I pull my shirt over my head and hand it to him. He puts my clothes on top of the dresser. I struggle getting my legs under the sheets. I'm so uncoordinated and confused. I'm never drinking again.   
"Here." Josh helps me get tucked in. He walks over to the lamp and turns it on before turning the lights off. 

I sigh. Everything was so bright and vivid with the lights on. I'm even more sleepy now. I see Josh getting ready for bed. I wish I wouldn't have ran away the way I did today. I should've stayed and talked with him.  
"I'm sorry." I say under my breathe. I don't have the strength to raise my voice any higher than that. Josh turns around.   
"What?" He asks pulling his shirt over his hand and tossing it into the laundry basket.   
I don't speak up. I close my eyes and drift off to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello everyone thank you for reading. so.....drunk tyler im a right or am i right ayyy. ill upload again tomorrow probably. going to be juicy.....


	6. Domingo en Fuego

I hate Sunday's. I didn't use to but I hate them. Especially right now. I woke up with an overwhelmingly awful migraine. I feel like literal death. Everything hurts, physically and emotionally. Last night was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I honestly don't know what I was going through my head. Why did I think that drinking was the best solution to my problems? It was a temporary fix to say the least. Now I'm stuck with a killer migraine, a stomach ache, and eyes that burn every time light seeps through a curtain. 

I've cried at least four times already and it's only 12 in the afternoon. Did I mention Josh hasn't spoken one word to me yet today? The awkwardness between us is growing by the minute. I don't know what to say to him. I guess I could tell him that I don't actually hate him. I have a feeling that won't change anything though. 

Classes start tomorrow. I'm more nervous than I am excited which isn't much of a surprise. I hope and pray that this migraine will be gone by the morning. I have four courses to attend tomorrow. I hope I make it through all of them without breaking down. I was supposed to go with Josh to pick up my car today but he isn't speaking to me. He left about an hour ago without telling me where he was going. My guess is that he's with Jesse again. 

I scavenge the room for some sort of pain reliever. I can't take this head ache any longer. I find some Advil in a drawer and take two. I lay down and shut my eyes. Why did I have to get drunk? Why did I lose all self control? California really is having an effect on me. I have a lot to think about. It hurts to think. I decide to take a nap instead.

I wake up and groan loudly. My head is hurting some what less but it's still bad enough for me to want to go back to sleep. I check my phone for messages and the time. No new texts or calls. 1:43pm. I talked to my mother on the phone this morning. She asked me what was the matter because my voice sounded off. I told her that my head was hurting, which isn't a lie. Lexi texted me and told me she went to bed early last night and apologized for missing my call. I tell her it's okay. I'm glad she was asleep. Drunk dialing is a bad idea. I put my phone under my pillow and lay my head down. I can't stop thinking. I think way too much. I think Josh hates me. I think he wishes I wasn't his roommate. I wonder if he'll ask to move dorms. Wow, I really messed up. 

I hear the door open and shut my eyes. I can't talk to him right now so pretending to be asleep is my best option. Josh shuts the door and sets his keys down on the table.   
"Listen, Tyl-" He starts to talk but stops. He must think I'm sleeping. I hear him let out a long sigh. I wonder what he was going to say. There's some shuffling and then I hear the door shut again. I open my eyes to see that Josh is gone. I stand up and see that there's a piece of paper on the table. 

Gone to get some groceries. Be back soon, Josh.

At least he left a note this time. I hope he's gone for a while. I need as much time to myself as possible. My head is still pounding with pain. I should be hungry but I feel sick. I couldn't even eat if I tried. 

I would do anything to do last night over. I should be getting prepared for my classes tomorrow but I can't concentrate on anything other than how terrible I feel. I'm never drinking again. I'm making a promise to myself right now. I hear my phone ringing and look at the screen. It's Lexi. Thank God. I can't talk to my parents right now.

"Hey," I pick up the phone. 

"Hey, what's up," Lexi's voice is loud in my ear and it hurts my head. I turn the volume on my phone down. 

"I just woke up from a nap actually."

"Is Josh there?"

"No he went to get groceries."

"Oh okay. So classes start tomorrow...are you excited or what?"

"Uh yeah. sure I'm excited." I say biting my tongue. 

"Don't lie."

"I'm not lying."

"Don't lie."

"I'm not lying. Seriously, I'm excited."

"Okay. But why are you lying."

I sigh, "Just because I'm a little nervous doesn't mean I can't be excited too."

I'm lying.

"Alright well good luck. How many classes do you have?"

"Four. I took most of the regular courses in Columbus. You know, the ones you need to graduate and stuff. I have most of my credits so I got to pick out the classes I wanted." My voice is quiet and shaky.

"Yeah okay good." 

"So what have you been up to? Any new boyfriends I should know about?"

"Oh God no. I'm done with boys they stress me out."

"Tell me about it." I say under my breathe before even realizing it. 

"What did you just say?" I can hear the smirk in Lexi's voice. 

Oh boy what have I done. 

"What."

"You said 'Tell me about it'." 

"Who did."

"Tyler what's going on...are you and Josh-"

"No." I interrupt her mid sentence.

"Cmon we're bros. Tell me."

"Nothing to tell. I was just agreeing with you."

"Why are you lying to me? You never lie to me."

Josh is back. He opens the door with groceries in his hands and closes it with his bottom. 

"Lexi I gotta go. I'll call you later, okay?"

Before she has time to say goodbye I hang up. I put my phone down and look over at Josh. He's putting some things away in the fridge. I watch his hands go back in forth from the grocery bag to the fridge. Should I help him? Should I talk to him or something?   
"Are you hungry?" I look up and see Josh looking at me.   
"Um.." I sit up on the edge of my bunk and fiddle with my fingers, "not really."  
"Have you eaten today?" Josh sits down in a chair across from me.  
"No but-"   
"You need to eat, Tyler."   
I nod my head. I'm not the least bit hungry.   
"Josh I-"  
"The cafeteria isn't open on Sunday's but you can get something while we're out. I'll take you to get your car." He interrupts me a second time.   
I nod my head again. I want to talk to him. He doesn't want to talk to me. I feel tears well up in my eyes and blink them away. I'm always overly emotional on Sunday's. 

Josh drives me to the dealership to get my car. The ride over was awkward and uncomfortable. I bit my tongue the whole way over, wanting to bring up what happened last night. When we arrived, Josh waited until I got into my car and left. The car is nice but I couldn't properly enjoy it while feeling like I'd just been hit by a bus. 

I'm not hungry. I bought another sandwich from Daisy's so I'll eat it when I am. I get back to the campus and park my car next to Josh's. I walk into our dorm and see Josh on the top bunk. I have no idea what to do or say. I walk to the fridge and put my sandwich inside. As I go to exit the room Josh says my name.   
"Aren't you going to eat before you leave?" Great.   
"Um- I don't have an appetite yet actually." I speak softy. I'm unsure of how to respond.  
"If you eat you'll feel better. Not eating while hungover isn't good for you."   
"But I just-"   
"Please eat. You start classes tomorrow and if you don't eat soon you'll end up being sick. Trust me when I say if you don't eat you will get worse and even if you-"  
"Okay! Okay, I'll eat!" I groan loudly and walk back over to the fridge. Geez is Josh persistent.   
I open the fridge door and get out my food. I pull the chair out, sit down, and start eating. It's easier than I thought it would be. Josh is obviously upset. He's avoiding making actual conversation with me. So why does he care if I eat or not? I wonder this the entire time I'm eating. I finish half of my sandwich.   
"There. I ate half. Are you going to make me eat the rest now? Call the cops if I don't?" I look up at Josh.   
He snorts, "Pft. Call the cops...."  
He doesn't look away from his phone.   
"Do you hate me?" That got his attention.  
"Why would I hate you?" He responded.  
"You didn't answer the question." I argued back.   
He rolls his eyes and looks back at his phone. I put the left over sandwich into the fridge. I have to admit, I feel a little better now that I have eaten. I grab my phone from the table and walk back towards the door.   
"Going to the roof." I inform Josh before walking out of the door. 

I talk to my mother on the phone for a full 30 minutes before she finally hangs up. She talked to me about every little thing that was on her mind. She asked me close to a thousand questions about everything that had happened the past two days and about what's going to happen tomorrow. She asked me about Josh but I did my best to talk around those questions. Finally, she had to do laundry so she hung up. 

I called Lexi after my mother. We talked about everything too, the way we used to in High School. I can talk to Lexi for hours and not get bored. She's just one of those people. She didn't ask me about Josh though. I think she understands that I still have no idea what's going on in my head at the moment. She helped me get my mind off of everything. Eventually she had to leave too. She had an essay to write. 

It's only 5pm. I thought it would be later than that by now. I have no intent of going back to my dorm any time soon so I lie down on the rooftop and enjoy the way the sun radiates off my skin. It feels so nice to just lay here and soak in the rays of light. I let everything go. I need to relax more and focus on making myself happy. I shouldn't be stressing over my roommate all the time. My headache is faint now. Eating really did help. I can't remember much of last night. I remember Josh returning to our room and scolding me. I remember him helping me to bed and then falling asleep. That's all I remember. 

I'm back in the dorm now. Josh is gone. Where did he go? I know the answer but I entertain the idea of him out running errands again. Maybe that's what he's doing. Whatever. I watch YouTube videos on my phone to pass the time. I am obviously bored out of my mind. 

About an hour later Josh comes back. He walks in, puts his keys on the table, and climbs up to the top bunk. I hear him unlock his phone.   
"I don't hate you." Josh sighs.   
Oh. I'm not sure how to respond to that. Why did it take him so long to respond? I guess it doesn't matter. I'm speechless for a few moments.   
"I don't hate you either," I blurt out, "I just- I don't know- I thought I'd let you know..."   
"Okay." 

We don't speak to each other for the rest of the day. I mean, technically I did answer a few questions about my classes, but that's it. It was awkward. I didn't know how to bring up the unresolved problems in my head. I don't even think Josh knows about them. I keep it all to myself. 

Classes start tomorrow. My first day at Stanford University. I'm anxious and quite honestly, I'm terrified too. I'm worried about finding all of my classes okay. My parents and I did tour the campus and walked through the hallways but that was months ago. Josh told me the first day I met him not to worry about getting lost. If there wasn't tension between us I could ask him more questions. Instead, I lay on the bottom bunk and think for hours. I know I think too much. I can't help it. My mother calls again but I ignore it. I text Lexi instead. It's kind of a one way conversation of just me ranting about my problems. She doesn't mind.

My hangover is gone completely now which I am thankful for. It's already getting late so I get ready for bed early. I need as much sleep as possible to conquer tomorrow. I text Lexi and my parents goodnight and climb into bed. Josh is still up. The lamp is on but the lights are off. After a while, he gets ready for bed. I close my eyes and pretend to be asleep when I see Josh start to undress. He turns off the lights on his way to the bathrooms. He comes back in and climbs onto his bed. 

Half asleep, I hear a phone ring. It isn't mine. The ringing stops. 

"Hello?" Josh whispers, "I'm in bed right now I-"

"Yes he's asleep."

"I don't know..."

"I barely talked to him today."

Is he's talking about me?

"I know..."

"No."

"I'm not a dumb ass."

"Listen it isn't like that..."

"I have to go..."

I concentrate on what he's saying. I can only hear him speaking so it's hard to figure out who he's talking to or what he's talking about. 

"I can talk to you about it tomorrow. I need to sleep." 

Talk about what? 

"I'm not in love with him. Yet."

In love with who? 

"No. I'll talk to you tomorrow. Bye."

Josh hangs up. Who was he talking to? What were they talking about? Who is Josh not in love with? Me? He's obviously not in love with me of all people. He must have been talking about Jesse. I close my eyes again and try and fall asleep. I do my best to forget all about the phone conversation I overheard. It wasn't meant for me to hear. I let myself drift back to sleep.


	7. Forest

My alarm wakes me up at exactly 7:00am. It's an annoying beeping sound that keeps getting louder if you don't turn it off. I turn the alarm off and sit up straight, rubbing my eyes. I stand up out of bed and stretch. I need to shower. I've been showering at nighttime because I usually don't like showers in the morning but I need one to get me going today. I pull on my sweatpants and pick out an outfit. Josh isn't in his bunk. I imagine he's showering now as well. 

The hot water feels good on my skin. It's refreshing and a rather nice way to wake up. I wash my hair with my favorite shampoo and conditioner. It makes it smell amazing. I wash my body, shave, and turn the water off. I grab a towel and wrap it around my waist. When I pull back the curtain Josh is standing right behind it. I gasp and freeze in place. I look down at the towel hanging on to his hips and then look away as fast as I can. I feel my face burn in embarrassment.   
"Oh- Um-" I stutter and pull at my wet hair. Josh sees me and smirks.   
"Sorry." I say awkwardly and step away.   
I walk over and grab my clothes then walk into a stall to change into them. 

I'm wearing my favorite outfit. A grey tank top, black skinny jeans with the rips in the knees, and my black vans. I always have to look good for my first day of school. My first class starts at 9:00am. I go back to our dorm and wait for Josh. 

"HI." Josh shuts the door behind him and walks inside.   
I uncross my legs and stand up from the edge of my bed.   
"Hi," I reply back, "I was thinking we could, like, get breakfast or something." I say to Josh nervously.  
"Sure. My classes start at nine too." He picks up his school bag and I do the same. We walk down the flight of stairs together. The fresh air fills my lungs and I breathe it in. The cafeteria isn't a far way from where the classrooms are. I look over at Josh while we're walking. His hair looks different when it's wet. The blue is a darker shade. Even wet hair looks good on him. Just about anything looks good on him.   
"So there's actually quite a bit of breakfast food in the morning," Josh starts, "but I usually just eat cereal. I'm a cereal type of guy."  
"Me too." I agree. "Wait. If you just eat cereal every morning why don't you just buy your own and eat in in your room?" I question him.   
"Money." He says with a smile.   
"Oh I see." I return his smile.   
Josh opens the door to the cafeteria for me and I walk inside. It smells like heaven. Josh shows me how to get food and what his favorite cereals are. We get our bowls and sit down. There aren't very many people here. We eat together in peace. It's not as uncomfortable as I was expecting it to be. 

After eating, we walk out of the cafeteria and Josh motions to me to follow him. There's about 45 minutes left until classes start. I walk behind Josh and admire his outfit. Black jeans, black t-shirt, black converse. It's simple outfit that I could never pull off. I keep following Josh. He walks into a wooded area and my heart beats a little faster.   
"Are you taking in here to kill me?" I say half sarcastically and half seriously.   
"No," Josh chuckles, "wait and you'll see."

We venture into the forest for a few more minutes before I see a large oak tree wrapped with vines and a swing hanging off one of its branches. I let my bag fall off of my back and onto the ground. Josh keeps walking but I stop and gaze at the tree. It's beautiful. I've never seen something like this before. These trees don't exist in Ohio. Josh turns around and watches me stare in awe of it. I snap out of my gaze and walk until I am side by side with Josh.   
"Wow." I gawked.   
"I know right."  
"How did you find it?" I turn to Josh.   
"Someone else showed it to me actually." He looks at me and then walked over to the swing and sits down. I join him.   
"How often do you come out here?" I grab onto the swing as Josh pushes off of the ground and we start to sway.   
"A lot actually. It's a good thinking spot." He answers me.   
"I might have to come out here a lot." I smile and look down at the moving ground. We swing slowly for a few minutes. It's peaceful out here. It's not too hot out in the mornings so the sun is actually enjoyable. 

I know I should get up and make my way to class. It's 15 till the bell but I can't make myself leave this tree. I look at Josh. I'm sitting rather close to him. I didn't notice before. I run my eyes all over his face. His hair, his nose ring, his eyes, his lips; I take it all in. He notices me staring and looks me in the eyes. It's just like the first night we spent together. Staring into each other's eyes for no reason. The familiar unfamiliar feeling returns to my stomach. I open my mouth to speak, nothing comes out. We stop swinging. My heart is close to exploding. Why can't I look away? I see Josh raise his hand up close to my face in the corner of my eye before putting it back down. He looks away.   
"Yeah I think it's- uh, time to get to class. You don't want to be late on your first day." Josh tells me as he stands up out of the swing. He picks up his bag and without another word walks away. I sit there momentarily, lost in thought. I then get my bag from the leaves and walk out of the forested area, into the light.

The class rooms aren't far away. I get there in less than five minutes. I check the time on my phone. 8:50pm. This is it I guess. My first day as a student at Stanford University. My first class is an art class that is more about history than actual art. I don't mind though; I love history. I put my phone in my pocket and take a seat near the front. There aren't many students in the classroom. I heard this was supposed to be a smaller class. Exactly ten minutes later, the professor walks in. He's tall and old and has grey hair. He goes over to the board and writes his name. Professor Chance.   
"Alright class. Shall we begin?" 

~

An hour later and the class ends. Professor Chance was a nice, wise, man. I am looking forward to that class. Now, I have three more classes left. My nerves are gone. I feel like I can actually do this. Be a college kid. 

~

Faith and Religion with Professor Ezra went by rather smoothly. He was also a nice man. Two more to go. 

~

Technology and Science with Professor Smith is an exciting class. I think that class will come in handy. I'm not very smart with technology. Also, Mrs. Smith smiled at me once. I think that's a good sign. I have lunch now and then one more class to go. 

I eat alone in the cafeteria which isn't necessarily a bad thing. I guess it's sad but I like being alone. 

~

After lunch, I attend my final class of the day. It's a Life Choices class. A discussion class. This was the only class I had been dreading. Today, the first day, wasn't a big deal of course. Mr. Terence (that's what he asked us to call him) is a younger professor. He doesn't look any older than 25. He told us that this is a safe place for each of us to speak our minds. Sounds kind of fake to me. 

It's 2:00pm. I made it through my first day of college. I guess I should be more proud of myself. I'm just too tired to care. I forgot to ask Josh what time his classes end. I walk back to the dorms alone and hope he's in the room when I get there. He isn't. I throw my book back down and fall backwards onto my bed. What a day. I grab my phone from my pocket and text Lexi about my classes. I decide to hold back on calling my Mother. I need some time to rest. I'm sleepy, despite the fact I slept over 9 hours last night. I would take a nap but I want to be able to fall asleep tonight on time. 

I start thinking about this morning in the woods. Josh and I stared into each other's eyes the way we did the day we met. It was almost like I was star struck. It made butter flies arise in my stomach but in a good way. I don't know why. I don't know why I want to look into his eyes for hours without even speaking. I don't know why I wonder where he is when he's not with me. I don't know why I want him to be by my side instead of someone else's. I don't know why I want to talk to him all night and tell him all my secrets. I don't know why I like him so much. I wish I knew what my brain was doing. I wish I knew why my heart wants to get involved. When did everything get so complicated? 

I hear a knock at the door. I expect to see Josh when I open it but I'm wrong. My heart sinks into my stomach.  
"Oh hi!" Jesse pushed past me and walks into my dorm room.  
What is he doing here? Where is Josh? I stand in place with the door wide open, too shocked to move.   
"Um-" I start.  
"So where's Josh?" Jesse interrupts me. He walks over and closes the door and then sits back down on my bed.   
"He's-"  
"What the hell? It's almost three o'clock he should be out of class by now." He bickers and rolls his eyes.   
I turn around to see him sprawled out on my bed. I stand uncomfortably by the door. Did Josh invite him over? I was just about to tell Jesse to get out when Josh walked into our dorm.   
"Hey sorry I'm-" He stops when he sees Jesse. Flashbacks to the first time Jesse invaded our room run through my mind.   
"Hey! What took you so long?" Jesse shrieked and jumped up from my bunk.   
"What," Josh looks over at me with his brows furrowed, "what are you doing in here?" He looks back over to Jesse who is standing in front of the both us.  
"I thought we could go get a drink or something. You know, to start off the new semester." Jesse replies with an overly excited look on his face.   
"What? No Jesse I don't want to go get a drink. Can you-"   
"What about your friend here? Maybe he wants to get a drink..." Jesse smirks and takes a step towards me.  
"No." Josh asserted. He looks at me, worried. He pushes me away from Jesse.   
"Just leave." Josh sighs.   
Jesse looks shocked. I look down at my feet and close my eyes.   
"But Josh-" Jesse begins.  
"No. I want you to get out." Josh cuts him off. He sounds angry. I start to get nervous.   
"Josh." I say under my breathe.   
"You know what? This kid is nothing but a temporary fuck toy. You'll regret letting me go, Josh." Jesse puts his hands on his hips and looks me up and down.   
"Watch your mouth." Josh spits.   
"Josh." I say behind him.  
"I'll leave." Jesse walks into me and slams his shoulder against mine. I flinch and I close my eyes, feeling tears well up in them.   
"Don't come back. Ever." Josh yells right before Jesse slams the door. I let the tears fall down my cheeks. I finally move from my standing position. I don't look up at Josh but I can feel his eyes on me. I sit at the edge of my bunk.  
"I don't ever want to see him again." I say softly, eyes to the floor.   
"I know." Josh sighs.   
"Why did he think it was okay to come to our dorm room? Why didn't you tell him to stay away?" I wipe my face with my hands and look up.   
"I don't know, Tyler. I didn't think he'd be around anymore." He shakes his head and sits down across from me.   
"Well you're obviously still seeing him..."  
"I'm not though. I'm not 'seeing him'." He rolls his eyes at me.   
"Okay whatever. Can you just make sure he doesn't come back? He's gross" I ask. Josh has an annoyed look on his face. What did I say wrong?  
"Look I know you're a Christian and all and you don't like me being gay-"  
"What?" I chime in confused.   
"But if us living together and me having hook ups is a problem then I suggest you find a new roommate."  
What? Where is this coming from?  
Josh stands up and heads for the door.   
"Josh! Wait, I don't hate you," I walk up behind him and he turns around, "I swear I don't. Why did you get defensive?" I cross my arms.   
"So you don't have a problem with me dating guys?" Josh crosses his arms too, mocking me.   
"I-I don't know..." I look away from him. Do I? Do I have a problem with him dating guys? Do I have a problem with him being gay? I know I don't. I just can't say it out loud.   
"Fucking figure it out." Josh turns back around and walks out of the door. He doesn't return until the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhhh i finished this at 3:30am, sorry. look, im prolly gunna start uploading every other day or smthn cus the chapters are getting more juicy and im busy and i need time to make everything perfect so yeah. the plot is starting to come together so WOOO thx for reading. do you like it so far? any ideas? Xo


	8. Denial

The next day went by quickly. Josh returned to our room briefly in the morning before grabbing his things and leaving again. He didn't speak to me though I tried talking to him. I went to all of my classes but I was completely out of it. I needed to resolve this conflict with Josh. I get anxiety when I feel like someone is angry at me. I know Josh is angry at me. What set him off last night? It bugs me not knowing. I hope he's back in our room today and is willing to talk to me.

After my last class of the day, I walk to the dorms. The entire time I was hoping and praying that Josh was in our room. Unfortunately he isn't. Disappointed, I lay down on my bed. Don't cry, I told myself. He's not worth your tears. But he is worth my tears. He's worth being upset about. Making this friendship thing work isn't going the way I had planned. I've always been bad at making friends. I thought college would be different but I messed this up too. 

What in the world happened last night? I hate Jesse. I hate that he and Josh ever slept together. I hate that Josh is probably with him right now. These past few days have been nothing but chaos. I make everything complicated. Wait, no, Josh makes everything complicated. I was perfectly fine until he looked into my eyes that first night. I was fine until he made my stomach fill up with butterflies. Every single time I look at him my heart beats a little faster. Why is that? It's an unfamiliar feeling. I'm not sure if I like it or not. I guess what I'm trying to say is: I have no idea what's going on inside my head. Like Josh said yesterday, I better figure it out. 

I'm impatient. Josh got out of class two hours ago and he still isn't back. I find it rude of him to not return to our room without telling me where he is. Yesterday evening he acted like he hated Jesse. He told him to never come back. Why would he be with him? Maybe he's with another friend. I don't know that much about him, he could of lots of friends. Either way, I hope he's safe. 

I have a day off tomorrow. I have every Wednesday and every other Thursday off. I'm actually not looking forward to being out of class. I've got a lot on my mind and I like being able to focus on something other than my problems. I pray to God that Josh doesn't have tomorrow off too. 

I'm hungry. Not like, starving, but I'm hungry. I could eat in the cafeteria but I have no motivation to go any where. Ordering a pizza is a good idea. I order a medium cheese pizza from Dominos. They said that they'd deliver it to my dorm room. I lay on my bed and relax momentarily. I try not to over think. I've been stressing myself out lately. It's not healthy.

It's 5pm when my pizza finally arrives. I eat a few slices, satisfying my hunger, and then call my mother.   
I tell her that I'm doing okay and that I'm enjoying my classes so far. She asks me about Josh. I talk around her questions, again. She tells me everything is good back in Columbus. That the Church misses me. I say that I miss the Church too and I will try and come visit as much as possible. Talking to my mother makes me feel homesick. I hold in my tears. I ask about father and she says he's at work but he'll try to call me soon. I send my well wishes and love to him. My mother and I exchange 'I love you's' before hanging up. I miss Ohio a lot. I miss my parents, my Church, and Lexi. I eat another slice of pizza then close the box. 

I decide to call Lexi. We talk for a long time. She always puts me in a better mood. I told her I didn't feel like talking about myself so she told what was going on in her life.

5:30pm. Josh still isn't back. I'm more annoyed than I am worried. I don't know what I said to make him hate me yesterday. He got angry when I said I didn't want Jesse around anymore. He thought I didn't want him dating guys all, which isn't necessarily true. He knows I'm uncomfortable with him being with Jesse, that doesn't mean I have a problem with him being gay. It must be confusing to him because it's extremely confusing to me. 

I cross my feet and twist my hair between my fingers. I'm thinking too much again. I close my eyes and sink into the mattress. God, what have I done? I need to talk to Josh. Him being upset with me is driving me crazy. I need to explain myself to him. Really explain myself and assure him that I'm not 'homophobic'. I'm not homophobic. I wish I were. This would all be so much simpler if I were like every other Christian. Maybe I should just ask to move rooms. I should pretend that I hate Josh. That'd be the easiest way out of all of this. But the few days I've spent with Josh have made me a different person. I've never felt this kind of energy around anyone before in my life. Just imagining losing that feeling is too overwhelming. I can't give it up. I can't give Josh up. 

Before I know what I'm doing I'm walking across campus to the tree Josh took me to yesterday morning. The chances of him being there are slim but I have to make sure. I'm mentally preparing myself for what I might say if he really is there. I don't have near enough time. Josh is sitting on the swing with his head down. My face turns white. I want to turn around and leave but he's already looked and seen me. Oh God. What do I do? What do I say? 

"I've been waiting for you." Josh projects his voice over to me. I build up enough courage to walk closer to him.   
"Oh- I didn't know where you were so I just wanted to see..." I focus on the leaves under my feet. I'm so nervous I might pass out.   
"Can we talk?" Josh asks me. I nod my head.   
Josh doesn't speak. For years it seems like I'm waiting for him to start talking. I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs.   
"I..." Josh begins, "I care about you Tyler. Did you know that?" I don't look up or respond.   
"I've only known you for what? Five days? And I already care about you. It's actually kind of abnormal how much I care about you." My heart is melting.   
"I want you to be honest with me. Can you be honest with me?" Josh continues, "Tyler?"  
"Yes." I answer in a whisper.  
He pauses briefly. "When I look into your eyes, and you look into mine, what do you really feel?" My heart feels like it's going to jump out of my chest. Oh Gosh what do I say? I don't know what to say.   
I open my mouth and then close it. What does he mean? What do I feel? Josh grins and looks down again.   
"Do you feel nervous....or excited?" He picks his head back up and looks at me.   
"I..." I trail off immediately. Josh stands up from the swing and walks towards me. My heart is racing. With every step he takes I feel myself getting more and more anxious. He's standing right in front of me now. I can see his shoes.   
"Are you scared?" His voice is concerning. I nod my head but don't speak or look up.   
"Are you scared of me?" I shake my head no. My breathing is quick.   
"Are you scared of the way you feel?" I don't respond. The answer is obviously yes. I'm terrified of myself. I have no idea what's going on in my mind. I have no control over myself anymore. I am scared.   
"Tyler..." Josh continues, "you don't have to be scared. There's nothing to be afraid of." His words hit me. I feel tears in my eyes so I keep them shut. My heart is close to exploding.   
"It's okay." Josh steps closer to me. What's okay? There's a long silence between us. Finally Josh speaks up.   
"When you found out I was gay, you were angry. Do you know why?" I look up at him with a frown.   
"I'm not angry anymore." I assure him.   
"Yes, I know. But you were angry. Why?" He raises his eyebrows.   
"I don't know why." I answer honestly. I really don't know why I was angry. I wasn't angry at him. I was just upset in general. That was confusing. I never had a problem with him being gay. I hope he knows that.   
"Did you envy me?" Josh questions me. I stand there with a puzzled look on my face. What does he mean?   
"Did you envy the way I knew who I was, that I was open wth myself?"  
"No." Yes. I shake my head but that's exactly the way I felt.   
"It's okay, Tyler." Josh repeats himself.   
"What's okay?" I feel the tears returning to me eyes. I know what he's about to say.   
"It's okay to be gay." Josh says. I shake my head violently, letting the tears fall.   
"Tyler-"  
"No-" I cut him off, "I'm not...why would you even...no." I wipe my cheeks but there's no use. I can't stop myself from crying. Josh doesn't speak for a long time. He just stands in front of me, watching me cry. I look up at him and see his face. It's sad. He must think I'm crazy.   
"You're okay." He walks closer to me. My stomach twists into a knot. I feel sick. My tears haven't stopped. Josh puts both of his hands on my face and looks me in the eyes. I sob and close them. This isn't real. This is the kind of stuff that only happens in movies.  
"You are okay. You are fine, Tyler." I try and shake my head but his hands are on my cheeks. I grab his wrists and pull them away from my face. I back away from him, wiping my tears away.   
"No!" I yell out. Josh furrows his brows. He takes a few steps towards me. I keep shaking my head.   
"No!" I scream at him again.  
"Okay, okay..." He stays in place and puts his hands into his pockets.   
"I'm not..." I start to say. I can't even finish the sentence. Josh just nods his head. He thinks I'm lying.   
"I'm not. I swear." I'm trying to convince myself more than I am Josh. Why is it so difficult to say? Why is it so difficult for me to believe my own words?   
"Because if you were gay, it'd be wrong. It's be a sin."  
"Yes." I cross my arms over my chest. I've stopped crying now. I feel a little more calm. Josh is staring at me.   
"I see." He looks upset. Oh gosh. What am I doing? I'm ruining everything.   
"I didn't mean it like that..."  
"No, you did mean it like that. It's cool. I don't believe it's a sin, Tyler." I look at him, shocked. He smiles briefly. My vision gets blurry. I'm crying again.   
"Tyler..." Josh sighs loudly and walks towards me. He hugs me. He wraps his arms around me and I wrap my arms around him. I sob into his shoulder. What am I doing?  
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." I cry.   
"It's okay." Josh responds to my apology. I wasn't apologizing to him. I was apologizing to God.   
I'm not right. This isn't right. I shouldn't be fondly hugging this man. I shouldn't want to stay in his arms forever. I shouldn't feel like this. But I do feel like this and I can't help it.   
"I can't help it." I sob loudly. I'm talking to myself now. Not to Josh or to God.   
"I know you can't." I pull away from him. I turn around and start walking out of the forest. Josh doesn't follow me. I can't look at him right now. I need to be alone. 

I lay down onto my bed in our dorm room. Josh didn't follow me out of the woods. He's probably still there. I think he hates me now. I made a complete fool of myself. I cry until I have a headache. It's not helpful but I don't know what else to do. I'm miserable with myself. I want to hate Josh. I'm not gay. I tell myself. I repeat the phrase over and over in my head. It's not working. Why is it not working? I want to go home. I want to see my family and go to Church. I want to stay up all night with Lexi and let her rant to me about her problems. I wish I had never met Josh. I'm lying. 

~

I must have fallen asleep. When I wake up its 7am and Josh isn't here. Did he come home at all last night? Everything that happened yesterday is starting to sink in. I feel sick to my stomach. I wish I had class today. I need a distraction.

I yawn and go to the bathroom. I wish I knew where Josh slept last night. I am a heavy sleeper so it's possible that he came in while I was sleeping and I didn't hear. I hope that's the case. I bit of jealousy rises in me when I think about him staying at Jesse's. I ignore it. I get done in the bathroom. When I walk back into the dorm, Josh is standing in the middle of the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i finished this at 3am honestly you're fucking welcome. btw i made myself cry while writing this. oh & sorry for the cliff hanger dudes. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯


	9. Rides

I stand in the door way of our room, not moving, not breathing.  
"Hey." Josh says. I'm unresponsive. I have no idea what's about to happen. I walk into the room and shut the door. I lean against the wall and my heart picks up speed. Josh makes me so nervous. I wonder if he does it on purpose.

"I slept at a friends place last night," He tells me, "if you were wondering." He sits down on my bed. I do my best to keep my eyes on something other than him.  
"I don't have any classes today either." He rubs his eyes and sighs. I still haven't moved.  
"I'm guessing you don't want to talk to me?" I look at my feet. I know I'm being rude but I'm anxious and I don't know what I'm supposed to say.  
"That's fine. You don't have to talk to me. Hating me is okay."  
"I don't," I blurt out unexpectedly, "I don't hate you."  
"Oh. Cool." Josh snorts. What's funny? He's being confusing. Did he forget about what happened yesterday evening? Does he care? I start feeling embarrassed. He thinks I'm a child. A spoiled brat probably.  
"I'm sorry...for yesterday..." I apologize. I'm not exactly sure what I'm apologizing for but I feel guilty.  
"Why are you apologizing to me?" I shrug my shoulders. I really don't know. I feel obligated to say that I'm sorry. It's like I did something terribly wrong but I can't figure out what it is. My mind is playing tricks on me again. 

There's a long, awkward, drawn out silence. I patiently wait for Josh to say something, to move, to leave the room. He just sits on my bed and I stand against this door. He wants me to say something first. What could I say? I'm too confused about everything. I want to go back to sleep but I can't because Josh is sitting on my bunk. I can't make myself move or say anything. The rooms starts spinning.  
"Are you okay with living in the same dorm as me?" Josh finally breaks the silence.  
"Yes." The word leaves my mouth before I can stop myself. I know I shouldn't want to live with Josh. I'm uncomfortable being in the same room as him right now. But like I said earlier, I can't imagine being without him. If my parents found out that Josh was gay they'd make me move rooms immediately. I can't let them find out.  
"Are you sure?"  
"Yes, why wouldn't I be?" I answer with a question.  
Josh shrugs his shoulders, "Gotta make sure you're positive." He stands from my bed and grabs his car keys from his pocket.  
"I'll be back. Need anything while I'm out?" I shake my head. Josh walks towards the door so I move out of the way, avoiding eye contact.  
"See you." Josh yells as he shuts the door behind him. I climb into bed and fall back to sleep. It's the only way to keep myself from over thinking. 

~

I'm awaken by a loud knock on the door. It makes me sit up in bed. What if it's Jesse. I stand up and walk to the door. Slowly, I twist the door knob and see who is behind the door. It's Josh. Thank goodness. Relief washes over me. I open the door all the way to let Josh in.  
"Hey. Sorry, I left my key...there." He points to his key on the table. I nod and get back in bed.  
"Did I wake you? I'm s-"  
"No it's okay." I say groggily. I reach for my phone and check the time. It's almost 9am.  
"I got donuts," He scratches the back of his head uncomfortably, "I didn't know if you were hungry or if you even like donuts but I got some anyways..."  
"Thanks." I stop him from rambling. I go over to the box of donuts and get a chocolate one out. I take a bite.  
"Mmmm.. These are good." I see a small smile appear on Josh's face. It disappears quickly.  
I sit down at the table across from Josh and finish my donut. I get another out of the box and eat it too. Josh and I both eat our donuts silently. When I get done, I grab a water bottle from the fridge and nearly finish the whole bottle. Donuts make me thirsty.

Now that we are done eating, there's no distractions. I feel nervous again. I don't know what I'm going to do today. I hope that Josh has plans. If not, we'll be stuck in a room together all day. There's still tension between us. I wish I knew how to resolve it. I want to ask Josh if he thinks that I hate him. I want him to know that I'm not angry at him and I don't mind him being gay. I'm don't know what happened yesterday in the woods. I don't want Josh to bring it up. I don't want to talk or think about it. I wasn't myself that day. I haven't been myself lately but I'm working through it. I just need some time to sort through my problems is all. I'll be fine. 

I'm laying down on by bunk and Josh is laying on his. He hasn't tried to speak to me yet, which I'm thankful for. But it's only been thirty minutes. I'm not on my phone. I'm laying here thinking. Thinking is a bad idea. Talking is worse. Talking to Josh is a wild ride. I never know what he's going to say or how it will end. I guess that's a part of the thrill. 

Ten more minutes pass. Silence. There's not a chance I'll be able to do this all day, but there's nothing else for me to do. I haven't made any friends yet. Other than Josh of course. If Lexi where here I wouldn't have this problem. I should call her. I'm not in the mood to talk to anyone though. Maybe Josh has plans.  
"Do you have plans for today?" I ask him cautiously.  
"Oh, no, not today." Josh answers me. Dang.  
"Okay." I reply back. I try my best to hide the disappointment in my voice.  
"What about you?" He returns the question.  
"Me neither."  
There's a long pause before Josh speaks again.  
"There's a fair in town, you know, like a carnival type thing where's there's rides and food and animals..."  
"Yes I've heard of them."  
"Oh...well we could go tonight. I haven't been yet but people have told me it's a lot of fun. It only comes around once a year." I should turn him down. I shouldn't be spending any extra time with him.  
"Okay. Sure." Great. Now I have plans with Josh. Is this a date? No. It's just two friends hanging out. As friends.  
"Cool. Around 7 maybe?" I can here the smile in his voice.  
"Sounds good." I immediately begin to feel nervous. It's only 10am. I have all day to feel nervous. I guess I don't know what to expect. I've been to a fair once, when I was like nine years old. Obviously I've changed since then. 

Lunch rolls around but I have no appetite. I'm too nervous. Josh brings me a sandwich back from the cafeteria. I eat it. I shouldn't be worried about going out with Josh. We're just two friends going out, as friends. There is some unresolved tension between us. Maybe after tonight that'll disappear. I hope that everything goes normally. I don't want a repeat of last night. 

Josh and I make small talk but we're mostly quiet. He's on the top bunk and I'm on the bottom. Time is passing too slowly. There's still five or so hours left until 7pm. Josh said we'll leave here around 6:30. I'm very impatient. I try and calm myself down. There's nothing I should be anxious about. Everything is going to be okay. Tonight is going to be fun. Let yourself have fun. 

"Do you like ferris wheels?" Josh says above me.  
"Um...I'm not sure. I haven't been on one."  
"Oh."  
"Yeah."  
"But I'd like to go on one tonight."  
"Okay. We can do that." Josh says enthusiastically. He must like ferris wheels.  
I smile to myself. I'm not as nervous anymore. 

Josh asks me some questions about my classes. It's nice being able to talk to someone about them. He tells me about some of his and which ones he likes and dislikes. I agree with him. We're getting along well. I think we can make this friendship thing work. 

It's nearly 6 o'clock. I'm picking out something to wear to the fair. I'm not sure if I should dress nicely or not. I decide to wear my ripped black jeans, black boots, and a blue T-shirt. It's a simple and casual outfit. I change while Josh is in the bathroom. He comes in while I'm tying my shoes.  
"Nice boots." Josh says as he enters our room.  
"Thanks." I thank him and smile.  
I know I'm getting ready sort of early but I'm feeling anxious again. Tonight is going to be fun. I remind myself. Josh is sitting at the table looking at his phone. He's wearing all black. How come he looks so good in only black? Its fascinating the way he can pull off just about any look or outfit. I wish I could do that. I shake my head and grab my phone from my pocket. I text Lexi and my mother. I tell them that I have plans with Josh tonight and that I'll talk to them both tomorrow. The weather has been nice lately. It's nearing the end of November so it isn't too warm.  
"We should probably get going. There may be traffic." Josh announced walking towards the door.  
A wave of anxiety washes over me. I nod and follow Josh out. 

The drive to the fair was about ten minutes. We were silent, listening to the radio. When we arrived I saw a big ferris wheel above the grounds. It looked huge. There was some traffic pulling in. There was man directing it and he directed us to a parking spot. It took a while but we're here; walking side by side to the entrance of the fair. There's dirt everywhere. I'm glad I wore boots instead of my vans. Josh gives the lady at the entrance money for two tickets and we step inside. It's filled with people and music. It smells delicious, too. I stop and take a look around. There're lots of different rides. A lot of them look scary. 

"Tyler?" Josh says my name. He's a few feet in front of me. I must've dozed off.  
"Sorry." I giggle and catch up to him.  
"Are you hungry?" He asks me.  
I shake my head, "Not yet."  
We walk for a minutes before approaching a small building. When we go inside I look around and gasp.  
"Oh my goodness!" I yell and run over to the cages. Baby goats. There are tiny baby goats in cages next to one another. I sit down beside them.  
"You like animals?" Josh joins me on the ground with a big smile on his face. I nod, not looking away from the cute animals. We stay here for a while before going to the next set of animals. Pigs aren't as cute as goats. 

"Do you want to ride some rides?" Josh asks when we get done looking at all the animals.  
"Okay." I am nervous. I'm having a good time so far, though. This isn't as bad as I thought it'd be.

We walk around for a while before Josh points to a ride. I nod my head as we get in line. When it's our turn, we get into the small cars attacked to a bar on the ground. Josh and I are side my side. We start spinning and my nerves disappear. I smile and look over at Josh who is smiling too. This is fun. I'm actually having fun. We're spinning faster now. I raise my arms up into the air and close my eyes.  
"Yes!" I scream to the sky. I hear Josh laughing.  
I'm enjoying this a lot. The wind feels great. I don't know what I was so afraid of. A few minutes of spinning and the ride slows to a stop. I sigh and open up my eyes. I look at Josh. He's still smiling at me. His eyes are crinkling. I blush and look away. The bars lift from our laps, freeing us from the car. I step out and run my fingers through my hair. Josh joins me. We walk around for a bit and go on a few more rides. Every single one of them is fun. We even rode one twice. I never got the chance to go to amusement parks when I was younger. My parents didn't like them apparently. I'm thankful for Josh. I've had more fun tonight that I've had in a long time. I'll be sure to tell him that later.  
"Now I'm hungry." I exclaim after getting off of a ride that went upside down. Josh and I walk over to a trailer selling food. We both get hot dogs and lemonades. I'm surprised by how good it tastes. 

It's completely dark out now. We've been here for over an hour. I don't want to leave but I have classes tomorrow.  
"Well," Josh says when we finish our food, "I've had a lot of fun tonight. Glad you came."  
"Me too." There's silence between us now. It's nice, just sitting here with him. I don't want to move; I don't want this to end. I know everything will go back to normal soon. This feeling won't last because it's not normal. I'm not normal.  
"We should probably get going." Josh breaks the silence. I nod and stand up. We start walking towards the exit before I stop.  
"Wait- don't you want to ride the ferris wheel?" I ask Josh.  
"Oh... Yeah that's okay."  
"No we should ride it." I argued.  
"Are you-"  
"Yeah! C'mon lets do it." I interrupt him and run back towards the ferris wheel. Josh laughs and catches up with me. I look back at him while I'm running. 

The line isn't too long. We wait for about five minutes before a man guides us to a terrifyingly small cart. I'm anxious but I get in anyways. It's a very tiny space and I am touching legs with Josh. The car starts wobbling. I close my eyes and breathe shakily.  
"Tyler..." Josh says my name softly.  
"Yes." I reply.  
"If you're scared we don't have to-"  
"I'm fine," I assure him. "I promise." I open my eyes and smile. My smile is crooked but believable. The wheel slowly starts moving. You're fine, Tyler. There's nothing to be afraid of. I close my eyes again while we start going up. I know Josh is worried about me. We move for a while before coming to a complete stop. I open my eyes and gasp. I grab Josh's thigh and close my eyes again.  
"Hey..." Josh grabs my hand from his leg. My breath is shaky. I didn't know I was scared of heights until now.  
"Look." I here Josh say. I slowly open my eyes. We're up in the sky. I can see everything from here. The lights of the city and all the little people. It's windy, but not too windy. The air is slightly different up here. In a good way. I open my mouth in shock. I'm not scared anymore.  
"Wow." I sigh in amusement.  
"I know right." I look down to see Josh and I's hands intertwined. I know I should pull mine away, but I don't want to. So I don't.  
"We're so high." I beamed.  
"See. It's not so bad." I look at Josh and see a smile creep into his face. I watch him look at the view. He looks so happy. I'm so happy.  
"I used to be scared of heights..." Josh turns to me, catching me staring at him. Now we're staring at each other.  
"Really."  
"Yeah. Weird huh."  
"Yes. Weird."  
We don't look away from one another. My hand that he's holding is on fire. My stomach is on fire. My entire body is in flames. It's a scary feeling; it's a refreshing feeling. I've only ever felt like this when I'm with Josh. I don't want it to stop. Neither of us have looked away yet. Once again, we're staring into each other's eyes. Look away. I can't. Look away now. I want to but I can't. I see Josh look down at my lips, and then back into my eyes. What is happening? Josh's face looks like it's getting closer to mine. My heart is pounding. Oh my God. I shut my eyes. I could pass out right now. Before I have the chance, the wheel lurches forward and we're moving again. I pull my hand away and open my eyes. I clear my throat. The wheel is going down now. The moment is over. The night is over. 

When we exit the ferris wheel we don't look at each other. When we walk out of the fair grounds we don't like at each other. On the drive back to campus we don't speak to each other. When we get back into our dorm we don't look or speak to each other. It's as if someone died. I get ready for bed. I'm not looking forward to the next day. At least we have class tomorrow. I return to our room and Josh exits. Will we ever be able to be normal friends? What happened tonight? Everything was fine until the ferris wheel; until we were holding hands and looking into each other's eyes. How did that even happen? I don't know. Nothing make sense when I'm with him. Nothing ever goes the way I plan it to. Josh comes back in. I'm in bed now. He turns off the lights and climbs up onto his bunk. I here him sigh. We lay there for a few moments, not speaking.  
"Um...tonight was...fun." Josh says quietly. I nod before realizing he can't see me.  
"Oh, yes it was." I reply back. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say, "Thanks. For taking me and stuff." I add.  
"You're welcome." It's quiet again. My face is red. I can't see it, but it feels hot.  
"Tyler," He says my name.  
"Yes." He doesn't speak for a long time. What's he going to say?  
"Never mind. Goodnight."  
"Goodnight."  
What was that about? I shake my head and roll over. It's been a long, confusing, exciting night. I don't know how I'm going to fall asleep. I have classes I have to attend tomorrow. It's late. I need to sleep. I can't stop thinking. I can't stop thinking about Josh and the way his hand felt in mine. I need to sleep. I close my eyes and force my self to fall asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY IM SORRY I HAVEN'T UPLOADED IN A WEEK I'VE BEEN BUSY WITH SCHOOL AND STUFF DON'T HATE ME. okay so. here you go. i will try my HARDEST to upload more. oh and sorry tyler is being annoying in this chapter. he's such a tease.


	10. Perspective

I wake up early on Wednesday. So early the sun was just starting to rise. The showers were open so I showered, got dressed, ate breakfast, and returned to the dorms. Josh isn't there. 

Today is going to be difficult. I have classes to attend but I won't be able to concentrate on them very well. I'll be thinking about last night. I'll be thinking about Josh. I'm always thinking about him; It's getting tiring. Although last night was fun, the ending was unexpected to say the least. I guess I don't really understand what happened. I mean, I know what happened but it doesn't make any sense. I'm worried about how it will affect Josh and I and our friendship. 

I need to call my mother soon. I know she'll want to hear about going to the fair with Josh. I really do miss my parents. I miss Ohio a lot. Everything was so simple in Columbus. Nothing really happened there and I liked it that way. Now I have all of these responsibilities and decisions to make. Being a grown up sucks. 

Eventually, Josh enters the room with wet hair. I look down at my phone and try not to draw any attention to myself. The last thing I want this morning is him trying to talk to me about last night. Josh rubs a towel on his head. It's 8:30. We haven't spoken yet this morning and I'm okay with that. I should leave for class soon. I grab my bag and walk out of the door. I don't say goodbye. Is that rude? Does it matter? He didn't speak to me either so I guess I'll find out later. 

~

The day was a drag. I was completely out of it. I couldn't focus on anything because I was thinking about last night. I knew it would be a mistake going out with Josh. I had a lot of fun until we got to the top of the ferris wheel and Josh was holding my hand. I still can't believe we held hands. Why did I even let that happen? I'm not myself. This isn't me. I have to concentrate on school. I need to figure out my future and what I am going to do with my life. There are a lot of career options to choose from so worrying about how I feel towards my roommate is the least of my problems. I have to figure out how to ignore it. I need to ignore my feelings. Moving dorms seems a bit extra. I know that would fix everything but I'm too selfish to leave Josh. I don't want to get away from him, I just want to stop thinking about him 24/7. But how do I stop thinking about someone who sleeps right above me? I've been walking for a while. I'm nearing the dorms now. I'm not sure if Josh will be in our room or not so I prepare myself just in case. 

Thankfully, Josh isn't back from his classes yet. This gives me extra time to prepare myself. I decide to call my mother and see what she's up to. 

"Well hello Tyler!" My mother answers the phone.

"Hi mother."

"How have you been?"

"Good. I just got out of class."

"You like them so far? And your teachers?"

"Yes they're great and my teachers are too."

"Well that's good. So you went to a fair with Josh last night? Not sure what those are."

"Oh," I clear my throat and try to sound as normal as possible, "yeah that was a lot of fun."

"What did you guys do?"

I pause briefly. 

"Well...we saw some animals and rode some rides. The food there was actually good. The lemonade too."

"That does sound nice. Where the rides scary? We never did visit amusement parks when you were little. I am not sure if you like those or not."

"Yeah-um-they were actually fun. I like them a lot."

"Well I am glad you had fun. College is supposed to be fun. This Josh boy, he seems nice, yeah?"

"Oh...yeah. He's really nice."

I knew this would happen. 

"You're friends with him now I suppose?"

"Sure. We're friends."

"I'm glad to hear that. I did not get along with my roommate in college at all!"

"Yes you've told me."

"You're lucky, Tyler. Be glad he isn't rude or disrespectful."

"I'm glad, really glad actually."

"Have you made any other friends?"

"Not yet, no."

"Oh. Well I'm sure you'll make more friends. You and Josh should go to a football game or something. Maybe you'll meet friends there. Or a girl." 

"Yeah...right... Not really into football though."

"You don't have to be into the sport to have a good time!"

"Okay maybe we'll go some time. I don't know."

"You should try and meet girls, Tyler. You didn't do very well with that while in High School."

I hear the joking tone in her voice but it doesn't annoy me any less. 

"Well mother, there was never any girls that I was interested in. Not exactly my fault."

"That's fine. You'll find someone. I'm sure of it."

"Maybe I don't want to find anyone."

"Tyler-"

"What is so special about love? I don't understand why it's such a big deal."

"That's because you've never been in love before, dear. You'll have to wait and see for yourself."

"How long am I supposed to wait? It's almost been 20 years and I'm tired of waiting."

"I met your father, my husband, when I was twenty one Tyler. You have to be patient."

"How do you know I'll find a wife when I've never been attracted to a girl before?"

The line is silent. I know I've said something wrong. 

"You've been attacked to girls before. Don't over exaggerate."

"No I haven't actually. I've pretended to be attracted to girls, but I never actually have been."

"That isn't true-"

"Yes it is. I'm telling you because it is true."

"Oh c'mon Tyler. You may have been attracted to multiple girls, you just don't know exactly what it feels like."

"But I do know what it feels like. I know what it feels like to be attracted to someone and I have never felt-"

"What do you mean? I don't understand what you're saying."

What am I saying? I don't even know. 

"I-I don't know. I have to go mother. Josh will be back from class soon. I'll call you later."

"Tyler-"

I hang up on her. I definitely regret that last bit of conversation. I honesty don't know why I said those things. I was angry at her for bringing up girls again. I've changed a lot in the past week. I see my life differently now. Josh has a lot to do with that. I can't figure out exactly what he's done, but I know I'm not the same person that I was a week ago. Everything happened so quickly. I wish I could go back in time and fix it all, yet at the same time, I don't want to change anything. It's conflicting, complicated, and growing up is hard. I wish I could talk to someone. I obviously can't talk to my mother. I could call Lexi but I'm afraid of what she'd think. I shouldn't be, but I am. Something is wrong with me. What's wrong with me? The door opens and Josh walks in. 

My heart is beating abnormally hard. I breathe in and out slowly.  
"Hey." Josh greets me.  
"Hi." I reply and look back down at my phone.  
"How was your day?"  
"It was fine. And yours?"  
"Good, thanks."  
I don't know why we're making small talk.  
"You hungry?"  
"No."  
"Me neither."  
After setting his bag down, he climbs onto his bunk and sighs.  
"You have classes tomorrow right?" I hear him ask from above me.  
"Yes."  
"So do I," There's a small silence before he speaks again, "So there's a party tomorrow on campus, like to kick off the new semester, they're usually a lot of fun. You should come with me."  
That sounds like a terrible idea. Probably one of the worst ideas I've ever heard.  
"I'll think about it." I totally have to say no. There's no way I'm going to a college party. I got drunk on my very first day on campus and it was a huge mistake. I don't trust my self around alcohol, not to mention I have never been to a party. They don't sound entertaining to me.  
"You should go. You may meet friends." Josh continues.  
"I don't think anyone at a party like that would want to be my friend."  
"Why not?"  
"I'm not exactly the stereotypical college guy. I'm not like you."  
"Not like me how?" Josh says taken aback.  
"I didn't mean it in a bad way. I'm just different. You said yourself that I was shy."  
"Well you should come anyways."  
I don't respond to him for a while. I'm trying to think of a way to turn him down.  
"I'm not looking for a repeat of last night." I blurted out. I know I shouldn't have said that. I had nothing else to say though. I need some sort of excuse to not go out again with him.  
"I see. God forbid you have more fun."  
"It's not fun I'm trying to avoid." I clarify.  
"You're trying to avoid me?"  
I don't know how to respond to that. I'm not exactly trying to avoid Josh. I just don't want us having another moment like we had on the ferris wheel. I didn't plan that, obviously, so who knows what may happen if we're together again. I know we won't be alone at the party but anything could happen. I don't want to be alone with him again.  
"Yes."  
"You're scared of me."  
"I'm scared of myself."  
He doesn't argue back. Hopefully he understands that it's not about him. I don't hate him. It's the opposite actually.  
"You tried to kiss me last night, didn't you." That question has been floating around in my head for too long. I'm not sure if he was trying to kiss me or not. I have to know. The room is silent. I can hear Josh's breathing. What have I done.  
"I-" Josh starts to speak but stops. He sighs. There's another long silence.  
"I wanted to," He begins, "I know I shouldn't admit that but..." I feel my cheeks flush as he continues.  
"I did, yeah. And I'm sorry. I should've apologized sooner. I know it was a dumbass move." He's quiet again for a moment, "I know how you feel about...me, I guess."  
"What do you mean?" I ask puzzled.  
"In the woods. You said you weren't gay." Oh. "You're just..." He sighs again. "You looked so...kissable. I can't explain it." Oh.  
I do not respond back. How do you respond to something like that?  
"I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. That wasn't what I was going for at all. I really don't know what I was thinking." I hear the regret in his voice. I start feeling bad for even bringing it up. At least now I know. He tried to kiss me. No one has ever tried to kiss me before. I mean, I kissed a girl once in the 8th grade as a dare, but I've really haven't had my first kiss. I don't like to tell people that. I'm almost 20 and I've never seriously kissed anyone. Maybe I should go to that party tomorrow. 

~

I'm not good with words when it comes to talking to someone who intimidates me. Josh intimidates me so it's hard to hold a normal conversation with him. Which is why I spend the rest of the day dodging Josh. I always come off like I don't like him. It's unintentional of course.

I'm on the roof now, watching the sunset. It's peaceful up here. I need to talk out some of my problems. I sit down a few feet from the edge and call Lexi. 

"Finally you call me." She answers immediately. 

"Yeah, sorry. Been kinda busy."

"Talk to me now. You said something about going to the fair."

"Yes. Last night. With Josh."

"How was it?"

"He tried to kiss me."

"Holy shit."

"I know." I sigh. 

"So like....what the hell happened?"

"We were at the top of the ferris wheel and-and- I don't even know what happened. He was leaning in...but the wheel started moving so nothing happened."

"Holy shit."

"Yeah, I know."

"Did you talk about it. Like later?"

"Kinda. He apologized. He said that he didn't know what he was thinking."

"Apologized? Why the hell would he apologize?"

"Because."

"Because...what."

"You know."

"No I don't."

"I'm not gay."

Silence.

"Did you want him to kiss you?"

Silence. 

"Tyler? Hello..."

"I don't know."

"You're telling me- you don't know if you wanted him to kiss you or not."

"Yes."

"Okay. I'll take it."

"Okay."

I play with my shoelaces and wait for Lexi to talk again. 

"It's okay if you wanted him to kiss you."

My stomach drops. 

She continues, "I mean, you say you aren't gay, and I totally believe you, but-"

She stops. 

"Lexi."

"I'm your best friend. I've been your best friend for over ten years. You can tell me anything."

My vision gets blurry. I feel tears in my eyes so I do my best to blink them away. 

"I know."

"And you're my best friend. And I can tell you anything, right?"

"Yes." 

"Okay, then I might as well tell you that I'm pansexual. I've always been. I just haven't realized it until a while ago. And that's okay, too. You know that's okay right, Tyler? It's okay if it takes a while for someone to realize their sexuality, okay?"

"I know." I sniffle. Tears are falling down my face. 

"So. If you want to tell me anything, I'm here." 

"Okay." My voice cracks. 

"Are you crying?"

"Yeah."

"Why?"

"I don't know. I can't stop."

"I didn't mean to upset you."

"It's not you."

"Okay..."

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

I'm crying hysterically now.

"I don't know."

"Tyler, calm down. It's okay."

I pull my knees up to my chest and put my head down. 

"Why am I like this?"

"Like what?"

I don't answer her. Neither of us speak for a while. I do my best to stop crying while Lexi waits. Her coming out to me hit hard. I'm not sure why. Everything has been too much lately. I'm really emotional in general, though. 

"It's getting late. I should go." I wipe my cheeks and stand up, "I'll call you later, okay?"

"Okay, yeah. Bye Tyler. I love you."

"Love you too, Lex."

After hanging up, I sit back down. I'm not ready to go down to the room yet. I need a few more minutes to get myself together. I've finally stopped crying. The smallest things have been upsetting me lately; I'm unsure why. I guess it's a mixture of being homesick and lonely. I'm lonely. I miss Lexi. I wish I could have normal relationships. I wish I could meet and fall in love with a girl. I don't see that happening, ever. It doesn't interest me. Love doesn't interest me. 

It's nearly 10pm now. I'm laying on my back overthinking again. I keep thinking about that party tomorrow. Should I go? I'm not really a party type of guy. I shouldn't go. I definitely should stay here. I sigh and close my eyes. Josh and I barely spoke to each other today. That upsets me. I hate the tension between us. I want to be friends with him. Why did he have to hold my hand and try to kiss me? Now everything is complicated. For the first time since arriving on campus, I cry myself to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi guys! i hope you guys had a happy thanksgiving if you celebrated. okay so i promise the next chapter is going to be super lit. thanks for reading wowowow a lot more people are reading this than i expected lmao im not a writer so...love y'all. xoxo


	11. Bleed Confusion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY SO THIS IS A VERY DRAMATIC AND EMOTIONAL CHAPTER. LISTENING TO DRAMATIC AND EMOTIONAL MUSIC MAKES IT SO MUCH BETTER I PROMISE AHHH ENJOY.

I had a dream last night. I haven't had one of those in a long time. I was on top of a grocery store roof in Ohio drinking coffee. Which doesn't make much sense because I'm not a coffee drinker. But in this dream I was drinking coffee. It was cold so I was warming my hands with the hot mug I was holding. It was a peaceful dream. I woke up missing Ohio. 

I take a long, cold shower to wake me up. Usually I try not to ease drop on the other students conversations while showering but I couldn't help myself today.  
"Yeah it's supposed to start around 7 I think." I hear someone yell from across the room.  
"Alright cool. Who's bringing food?" Another voice asks.  
"I don't know, uhh- there's supposed to be pizza I think."  
"Sweet. Can't wait."  
"See ya there man."  
"Yeah see you."  
They must be talking about the party tonight. I still haven't decided if I should go or not. There's obviously the Josh situation, but I don't want to revolve my entire life around worrying about him. If I go I could make new friends. I could have fun. I shake my head and grab a towel. After drying off, I get dressed and walk to the cafeteria. 

~

"So what is your purpose? Why are you living today, ladies and gentleman?" It's the last class of the day and I'm waiting for the professor to dismiss us so I can leave. It's nothing against this class, I just need a break.  
"We don't have a purpose." A hear a voice say next to me. I look up and see a boy with dark hair about my age.  
"And why do you think that," The professor looks down at a sheet of paper and looks back up, "Mikey?"  
He shrugs his shoulders, "We live. And then we die. That's all."  
I frown. I want to speak up, correct him, but I don't.  
"So you don't think our lives here on Earth mean anything?"  
"No, not really." Mikey replies, unamused.  
I open my mouth to speak but close it again. There's only a few more minutes before class is over.  
"Tyler," Mr. Terence says my name. I pick my heed up and look around. Everyone's staring at me. "Anything you'd like to add?"  
Mikey is looking at me. I tilt my head down and play with my fingers.  
"Um-I," The bell interrupts me. Thank God.  
"We will finish this discussion on Monday!" Mr. Terence says over the bell. I stand up and grab my bag. On my way to the door I hear a voice behind me.  
"Hey," Mikey says. I turn around, "Tyler right?"  
I nod my head.  
"You coming out to the party tonight?" He asks me and sits down on the edge of a desk.  
"Uh- Well I was thinking about it but-"  
"You should come. Definitely. It's going to be a lot of fun. It's by the beach so."  
"Oh. Maybe. I don't know, I don't like parties very much."' I say quietly.  
"Come anyways. We can talk about life and stuff." He giggles and gets up from the desk.  
"Okay." I follow him out of the door.  
"So you'll be there?" He asks me as we walk down the hall way and out of the door.  
"Sure. My roommate's going."  
"Sweet." I smile at him we walk separate ways.  
"See ya!" Mikey yells behind me.  
"Bye!"  
Well I guess I'm going to this party after all. At least I may have made a new friend. 

"I'm going to a party."

"A party? Why the hell would you do that?" 

I'm on the phone with Lexi. 

"Because I'm in college and college is supposed to be fun. Plus, Josh is going. And this boy in my Life class wanted me to go too."

"What boy?"

"I don't know. His name is Mikey. He wanted to talk about life and stuff. That's what he said."

"Life and stuff huh..."

"Yeah. Maybe we can be friends or something."

"Good for you. You should go to that party."

"I am."

"Good."

"What about you? Any plans tonight?" 

"Fuck no. I am done going out. Forever."

"Right...okay."

"Well, for now at least. What time is the party?"

I pull my phone away from my ear and check the time.

"It's only 4:00pm here, so like three more hours."

"Oh yeah, time zones. What're you going to wear?"

"Probably what I wear every day."

"Where even is it?"

"On the beach."

"Oooo. Will there be swimming?"

"No there won't be swimming, Lexi. It's December."

"But isn't it always warm in California? I'm pretty sure you could swim if you wanted to."

"I'm not swimming. It gets kind of cold at night." 

"Do you plan on staying out all night? Don't get too crazy."

"No. Well, I don't know, maybe. I'm not going to get crazy. I'm not really the party type if you couldn't tell."

"Okay. You're right."

"I know."

"Is Josh there?"

"No. I don't know where he is. He's usually here by now."

"Did something happen between you two other than..."

"No. We're fine."

"Just checking."

It's quiet for a few seconds before Lexi speaks again. 

"Well...I have to get going. I'm eating dinner with my family tonight. Going to be fun."

"Oh. Good luck."

"Hey you too. Be careful tonight and have fun. You'll call me tomorrow?"

"Sure."

"Okay, I'll talk to you then. Love you, Ty. Bye."

"Bye Lexi."

Tonight would be a lot more fun if Lexi were coming. I wonder how tonight is going to turn out. I really hope I don't do anything stupid. 

I should eat something before the party. Josh still isn't back. I keep forgetting to ask for his phone number. Things would be a lot easier if I could just text him and ask where he is. 

I decide 7pm isn't too long of a wait for food. I'm not hungry right now because I'm nervous. I start thinking about Mikey and how he said he wanted me to come to the party. He seemed nice but I wonder why he took a sudden interest in me. Maybe because he saw me wanting to disagree with him in class? I guess it doesn't matter. As long as someone other than Josh wants to be my friend. My mother would me excited for me. Josh is still out. Maybe I should call my mother...No. She'll ask me what I'm doing tonight and I can't lie to her and I definitely can't tell her I'm going to a party. I can't believe I'm actually going to a college party. It could be a mistake. It could turn out like the fair with Josh. That's a chance I'll take. I want to at least attempt to have fun tonight.

~

"Where are you going?" Josh walks in the door and startles me. I am buttoning my jeans. I sit down on the edge of my bed and put on my boots.  
"To the party," I answer him trying to sound as annoyed as possible. I should confront him about not telling me where he was. He should have at least came by after class before he went back out. It's nearly 7:00pm and I haven't heard from him all day until now.  
"What party?" He closest the door and steps inside.  
"The party you asked me to come with you to yesterday," I smirk and shake my head. After I finish tying my shoes, I stand up and grab my keys.  
"I thought you weren't going," Josh steps in front of the door.  
"Well, I changed my mind," I cross my arms.  
"Why?"  
"Because I can."  
"Okay obviously. But why?" He continues to argue with me.  
"Does it matter? Move," I step forward but Josh doesn't budge. I roll my eyes at him.  
"I'm going too. I can take you if you want."  
"We should go in separate cars. I will probably want to leave before you anyways. It's easier that way."  
"Are you sure?"  
"Yes I'm sure."  
Josh looks disappointed. I don't know why he cares so much about me going to this party. He's the one who asked me to go in the first place.  
"Okay. I'll follow you out," He steps out of the way. I open the door and make my way out.  
"Wait," I hear Josh say behind me, "how do you know where the party is?" I close my eyes and inhale a deep breathe. I turn around to look at him.  
"Someone told me," I state calmly and turn back around  
"Who?"  
"Gosh," I face him again, "does it matter? Does it really matter? Why are you interrogating me?" Josh looks shocked.  
"I'm- I didn't mean to interrogate you. I was just curious."  
"Right. See you there."  
I close the door. Finally. 

The drive to the beach isn't very long. The sun is starting to set and it looks beautiful. As I find a parking spot I take deep breathes to calm myself down. Tonight will be fun. I'm going to have fun. I'm going to find Mikey and talk to him like we planned. I step out of my car and see Josh pull up and park next to my car. I look over towards the beach and see crowds of people holding red cups. There's music blaring. I decide to wait for Josh. When he makes his way to my side we walk to where the party is being held. The music is so loud I can barely hear Josh speaking to me.  
"So, are you hungry?" He yells over the sound.  
"Not really," I answer him.  
"Oh," He nods, "Me neither."  
There's a few ice chests with waters and other drinks in them. I promised myself that I would never drink again and I plan on keeping that promise tonight. Josh picks up a red cup and fills it with alcohol from a container sitting on a table. He takes a big sip before looking over at me and shrugging.  
"You won't be drinking, right?" He asks me and takes another drink from his cup.  
"No," I sigh.  
"Good."  
I walk towards the crowd of people. I look around for Mikey but I don't see him any where.  
"Are you looking for someone?" Josh says behind me.  
"Um," I turn back around, "No."  
"Oh. Well you should go talk to people."  
"I think I'll wait here for a little while longer."  
I walk over to the table with the pizza and grab a slice. I should eat. I need the energy. Josh is still right beside me. He grabs a piece too. We sit down in some chairs closer to the shore and eat our pizza in silence.  
"This is nice," Josh speaks when we finish our pizza, "the water and sunset."  
I focus on the scenery in front of me. It really is nice despite the overly loud music and drunk college kids. It's starting to get dark outside. There's a few lanterns and a big bonfire lighting up the beach.  
"Yeah," I finally respond.  
I sit here beside the water, drown out all of the extra noise, and soak in the sounds of the waves. This isn't exactly what I imagined my first party to be like. I guess the real party hasn't quite started yet. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do here. What are the point of parties anyways? Just go get drunk? It doesn't sound like a whole lot of fun to me. I'd rather stay in and watch a movie.  
"Tyler!" I snap out of my thoughts when I hear someone yell my name, "I've been looking for you!" It's Mikey.  
"Hey," I smile and stand up.  
"Glad you could make it," Mikey hands me a red cup. I take it. I can't exactly tell him I don't drink.  
"Me too," I nod a few times. Mikey looks behind me at Josh who's chugging the last of his beer.  
"Oh! Oh, uh. This is Josh, my roommate," I take a step over to Josh. He looks up at Mikey and waves.  
"Hey," Mikey reaches out his hand. Josh shakes it uncomfortably, "Nice to meet you."  
"Yeah. You too," Josh stands up and raises his cup, "refill."  
He walks away from us so I turn back to Mikey.  
"So you two are...roommates?" He asks me cautiously.  
"Yes. Roommates."  
"Alright."  
Mikey looks down at my drink. I open my mouth to speak but instead I put the cup of alcohol to my lips and swallow. I do my best to hide the disgust on my face. It tastes worse than I remember. One sip won't do any harm.  
"You're a junior right?"  
"That's right," I look towards the crowd of people searching for Josh.  
"Me too," Mikey exclaims.  
"Really? Cool."  
"You're nervous to be here aren't you?"  
"What? No I love Stanford."  
"I'm talking about the party," He chuckles, "You're waiting for your roommate to come back."  
"Huh?" I turn my head back over to him. I've been looking for Josh the whole time we were talking. Mikey smiles and waves at me.  
"It's okay," He assures me, "it is your first party." I smile back at him.  
"You and Josh are close?"  
"Not really. Kinda. I don't know." I stutter out.  
"So it's complicated."  
"I guess you could call it that." I look over to where Josh went to get another drink. He isn't back yet.  
"I see. You can go find him if you want to. I won't be mad."  
"It's okay," I take another sip of this awful drink before I can stop myself.  
"You sure?"  
"Yea-" My throat cuts out. I see Josh. He has a red cup in his hand and he's standing right beside Jesse. 

I can hear Mikey speaking but I don't listen to what he's saying. I raise the cup to my mouth and start drinking. Why is he with Jesse? Did Josh know he was going to be here? Are they still together? Has Josh been lying to me? The more I think about it the more I drink. The familiar burning feeling in my stomach returns. My throat is on fire. I don't care.  
"Tyler...hello?" Mikey waves his hand in front of my face.  
"Yes?" I've emptied my cup.  
"You good?" He looks concerned.  
"Oh," I show him my cup, "I'm going to get another."

I'm being compulsive and irresponsible. I've already broken my promise. If I'm going to make it through tonight I need to drink. So I do. I get another cup of beer. Josh is standing with Jesse a few feet away. He doesn't notice me yet. The alcohol runs down my throat in a sickening slow way. If I wasn't so angry I would return to Mikey. I need to be at least a little drunk before I talk to him again. He can tell I'm upset.  
"Tyler," Josh approaches me with a surprised look on his face, "What are you doing?"  
I ignore him. I tip the cup back and drink until it's empty again.  
"Stop it," He grabs the cup from my hand and throws it away from me. I furrow my eyebrows.  
"Why'd you do that? It was empty anyways," I grit my teeth.  
"You shouldn't be drinking," Josh steps closer to me.  
"I don't care," I go for another cup and he grabs my arm, "What the-"  
"Maybe we should leave," He lets go of his grip and I jerk away.  
"You can leave. With Jesse. I'm staying," I sass. I reached for a cup but he doesn't stop me this time so I fill it up.  
"You're drinking because of Jesse?"  
"No. I'm drinking 'cus I want to," I argue with him. I gulp down the bitter beer. I'm starting to feel less like myself so I know it's working.  
"Tyler," He starts.  
"I have to go. Mikey's waiting for me," I turn away from him and head back to the shore with a red cup in my hand; feeling satisfied. I think I got my point across. I have this strange hoping that Josh will tell Jesse off again and come after me. The chances of that are slim.  
"Hey you," I sit down in the chair next to Mikey.  
"Oh hey. Did you find Josh?"  
"Yeah," I take a sip from my beer, "He's with...someone."  
"I take it you don't like that someone?"  
I shrug, "It's whatever."'

It's completely dark outside now besides the bonfire and lanterns. The sun set under the water. After finishing my third cup of beer I feel out of myself. It's an almost comforting feeling. I'm not sure if I'm drunk yet but I'm definitely not sober. The morning after I got drunk I vowed to never drink again. I feel a little guilty but after all of the drama and confusion I've been through in the part week, I deserve a night to let go.

"Are you cold?" Mikey asks me after our short moment of silence.  
"Not really," I answer. It is kind of chilly out. Colder than I would expect it to be in California. I check the time. It's only five past eight. I want to get up and get a drink but I don't. I know I shouldn't.  
"Do you want to go sit by the fire?"  
"Yeah. Sure."  
We stand up and walk up towards the crowd of people around the fire. It grows warmer and warmer the closer we get. There's large logs surrounding the flame. I sit down facing it and Mikey sits next to me.  
"I wasn't sure you were going to come tonight," Mikey tells me, "I'm glad you did."  
"Me too," I smile at him.  
"What made you decide to come?"  
"You. You asked me to come."  
"Yeah but, why me? I'm a stranger basically," He admits.  
"I don't know...I thought it'd be nice to talk to someone other than-" I stop myself.  
"Josh?" I nod silently, "You don't like talking to him?"  
"It's not that," I sigh, "It's not that I don't like talking to him I just...."  
"You don't have to tell me."  
"No," I shake my head and cross my arms, "it's nothing bad. I just wanted to meet new people. I've been on campus for over a week and I thought making friends would be a good idea."  
"Okay."  
"Yeah," I stand back up, almost falling over. The alcohol is taking an affect on me. "I'm going to get another drink. Do you want one?"  
"Oh, no thank you."  
I nod and exit the huddle of people. I'm drinking too much but I'm upset. As soon as I approach the tabl I see Josh. He's alone this time. I pay no attention to him. He sees me immediately.  
"Tyler, there you are," Josh says and makes his way over to where I'm standing.  
"I don't know him," I giggle and start filling my cup up with the warm alcohol from the container on the table.  
"And you're drunk. Great," I see him shake his head out of the corner of my eye.  
"None of your concern," I chug the beer down until I feel Josh grab the cup from my mouth.  
"You shouldn't be drinking. You're 19."  
"I am none of your concern," I attempt to retrieve the cup from his hand but he pours it out onto the ground and throws it behind him.  
"What the hell!" I scream at him, "What is your problem? You're the one who wanted me to come to this party in the first place and now you're ruining all my fun!"  
He doesn't speak. His face is blank but his eyes are sad.  
"If I want to drink, I'll drink. You're not my father," I huff and cross my arms over my chest. I'm more than annoyed. I'm pissed off.  
"Who is that guy you're with? He's the reason you wanted to come to this party. Who is he," Josh steps one step closer to me and looks me in the eyes.  
"That's Mikey. I met him in class today."  
"You met him today? And he convinced you to come to this party?"  
"No. He didn't convince me to do anything. I wanted to come."  
"You didn't last night."  
"Again, why does it matter?"  
"Never mind."  
"Weren't you just with Jesse? Go back to him," I roll my eyes.  
"We talked for a few minutes. That's all. What is your problem with him anyways?" Josh furrows his brows.  
"Why is that a question?"  
"Is it because he assumed you were gay?" He questions me with his eyebrows raised.  
"That has nothing to do with it. You assumed I was gay too."  
"Well you don't seem to like me very much either."  
"It's the opposite actually," I snap.  
"What?"  
I glare at him. I'm too drunk for this. Tonight was supposed to be fun. I knew it'd turn out this way. I would say that Josh always messes everything up but I know that's not true. I'm the one who messes things up. I shouldn't have drank at all. I shouldn't have even come to this party. I should've stayed in and watched a movie. I'm ignorant for thinking that I could have a decent night out for once. Maybe I'm overreacted. My emotions are heightened because of the alcohol and Josh makes me emotional without the alcohol. I don't know what it is about him that brings out emotions I didn't even know I had.  
"Are you crying?" Josh's voice interrupts my thoughts about him.  
I wipe my cheeks. I didn't even notice I was crying. I don't even know why I'm crying. It must be a mixture of the beer and Josh, not a very good combination. I just want to go home. I don't want to go back to the dorms, I want to go back to Ohio. I want to get away from here, away from Josh. But at the same time I don't want to leave him. I can't stop the tears from rolling down my face now. I'm a mess.  
"What is the matter? Tyler?" I have my eyes closed but I hear Josh's footsteps come closer to me. He's standing directly in front of me now. I feel him place his hands on my shoulders.  
"Tell me why you're crying," His voice is soft and quiet. Everything was so loud moments ago now it's calm. I've drowned the music out completely.  
"Do you know why?" I shake my head in response to his question.  
"Come with me," Josh grabs my hand, just like the night of the fair, and leads me away from the crowded area. We walk for a while until all of the people are out of sight and everything is dark and quiet. We're closer to the shore now and the sounds of the waves are soothing. I haven't stopped crying yet but I'm doing my best to calm myself down.  
"Now," We've stopped walking and Josh has turned to face me, "what are you upset about."  
"You should know," I sniffle.  
"If I knew then why would I be asking you?"  
"You just want me to say it."  
He frowns. My heart is beating abnormally fast. It's dark but I can make out the main features of Josh's face. His eyes and nose and nose ring and lips. His hair looks fluffy and bright despite the darkness. He looks concerned and I want to hug him. I want to hold him and tell him to stop worrying about me. Why is he worrying about me? He drives me nuts. He's waiting for me to speak but I can't. I can't speak or move or do anything. I am frozen here in front of him with wet cheeks and trembling hands.  
My hands are shaking. Why are my hands shaking?  
"Say what?" Josh finally replies to me.  
This is all too much. My eyes hurt. I don't if this would be and easier if I were sober. I'm guessing it wouldn't be. I was sober during the night at the fair and I was still just as nervous. That night changed a lot for me. It changed the way I look at myself, the way I look at Josh, and the way I look at my faith.  
"You don't have to tell me," Josh continues, "but you should at least admit it to yourself."  
So he does know. But I can't do either of those things. It isn't true. I'm just drunk and tired and I want to go home. I shake my head fast.  
"Tyler," He sighs loudly and places his hands on to my cheeks. It's just like when we were in the woods. Everything is slowly starting to repeat itself. I don't want to remove his hands from my face. I don't want to walk away from him. Every part of me is screaming out the opposite of what I really want. I want this.  
"Josh," I sob out his name. I'm so drunk. This is me whether I'm drunk or not and I know this. I know the alcohol doesn't change who I am. The beer gave me courage and that's it. For some reason I'm glad I got drunk tonight. If I hadn't I wouldn't be here. Josh's hands wouldn't be on my face. I would be talking to Mikey longing to be with Josh. It sounds awful but I can't help it. I can't help any of this.  
"It's not my fault I'm like this," I cry into his hands. I shut my eyes and breathe deeply.  
"I know...I know..." His voice is calming. It almost makes me feel better. I want to scream. This is so bad. I'm so bad. This is so wrong.  
"Tyler calm down. It's okay. You're okay." I'm crying harder now and it's getting difficult to breathe. What am I doing?  
"I'm scared," His grip on my cheeks tightens and he moves his face closer to mine until they're almost touching.  
"You don't have to be scared. I'm right here."  
My entire life flashes before my eyes. It's as if I'm dying but I'm not. At least I don't think I'm dying. Josh's presence is so overwhelming but at the same time comforting. My legs feel like spaghetti. If he weren't holding me I would've fallen over by now.  
"Josh..." My voice comes out shaky and unsure.  
"Yes Tyler."  
Is this happening? Am I real? Do I want to do this? It's just the two of us and the ocean. We're alone together here but I've never been more afraid in my life. I open my mouth to try and speak but my throat won't allow me. Josh's hands move from my face to the back of my neck and he presses his forehead to mine.  
"It's okay."  
I sob and close my eyes as tightly as I can.  
"I'm-" I try to speak again but my voice gives out. I feel like I'm being suffocated. No, being suffocated would be better than this. I'm drowning above water. I'm drowning in my own head. God, I am wasted. Josh's hands rub the back of my head and I could fall asleep right now. I want to go to sleep so I don't have to do this. I have to though. I have to do this. It's been 19 years. 19 years of hiding. I'm still terrified. I'm so scared to speak again. I thought it'd be easier if I was drunk but it isn't any easier. I am so scared.  
"I'm-" I try again. I feel Josh nod against my forehead. I can't see his face. I want to see his face. I pull away and wait for him to look at me. He looks into my eyes and I feel my entire existence start to make more sense. Every single time he's looked into my eyes I've felt a little less terrible about who I am. I feel a little terrible about who I am.  
"I'm gay," The words fall out of my lips like marbles. I gasp and cover my mouth with my hands. The sobbing has become uncontrollable now. I'm not sad anymore. I am relieved.  
Josh's eyes widen for a split second before he pulls me into his arms. I wrap mine around him and let my tears fall into the back of his shirt.  
"I'm gay," I repeat to myself. I feel a wave as big as the ones in the ocean wash over me. I don't know exactly what that wave is but it feels amazing.  
My head slightly hurts from crying but it's dull and couldn't possibly ruin this moment. I thought for sure once I said it out loud it'd became too real to handle. It is too real. But I'm handling it. Josh is helping me handle it.  
"Thank you," I thank Josh and squeeze him tighter.  
"You don't need to thank me. This is all you," He assures me.  
I nuzzle my head into his neck and sniffle. 

I'm finally happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes hi i am back once again. okay i know i haven't uploaded in two weeks you can kick my ass for that i deserve. i just wasn't able to write and didn't have the time. sorry guys. i hope this chapter makes up for it? maybe? no? well i hope you liked it and i hope it wasn't too extra but i just HAD to write it exactly like this okay. it wasn't me it was my brain it made me do it. hope you have a nice weekend. i will work my ass off and try to upload next week so ! enjoy. - xoxo mary.


	12. The Start of All Things

"We should go back to our room, yeah?" Josh asks me with his arms still around my waist. I sigh at the comfort of being in his arms. We've been standing here for a little too long, taking in each other's warmth in. I nod my head against his shoulder.  
"C'mon then," He says. We finally pull away from the hug and I fall backwards slightly. Josh grabs my hips and pulls me back to him.  
"I'm drunk," I giggle softly.  
"Yes you are."  
He holds out his arm and I grab it, leaning on him for support. We make our way up the beach in the dark.  
"How much did you drink?" Josh asks me as guides me to his car.  
"Three...four..."  
Josh snorts, "Light weight."  
"Maybe," I grin with my eyes closed. It's difficult to keep them open. I am so tired. 

"Here," Josh opens the passenger door of his car and helps me up into the seat. He closes the door and quickly makes his way over the the drivers side. I buckle my seat belt, surprisingly. I have very little energy left. Josh starts the car but doesn't drive off yet.  
"You can drive right? You didn't drink much?" I yawn and tilt my head towards him.  
"I just had one drink. I'm sober now," He assures me. He sits and stares at me before looking behind him and backing his car 

For the entire drive back to our dorms I don't take my eyes off him. It's a struggle to keep them open but I manage. Although it's mostly dark in the car, I find myself hypnotized by him. I know I'm drunk but there's something about him that interests me, drunk or not.

"My car," I say when Josh helps me out of his.  
"We'll worry about that later," He smiles. His eyes crinkle.

I trip going up the stairs, scaring myself but mostly Josh. We finally get to our room. He unlocks the door and we go inside. It feels nice to be back in the safety of our dorm. Everything is okay now.  
"You're tired aren't you," Josh lays me down in my bed and sits on the edge, grabbing my feet and putting them in his lap. I hum in response. I am exhausted. Emotionally and physically. Josh takes my shoes and socks off but leaves my feet in his lap. His hands rest on my ankles.  
"I'm drunk," I tell him again. I giggle at the sound of my own voice.  
"Yes. Yes you are," Josh smiles down at me. I feel a tinge of guilt and frown. I wish I didn't drink tonight. I guess if I hadn't we wouldn't be here. I wouldn't be here.  
"What's wrong?" Josh notices my frown.  
"Nothing," I whine, "I'm just sleepy."  
He nods, "You want out of these clothes?" He pats my jeans.  
"Yes please," I answer him quickly. He lifts my feet from his lap and stands up. I try to sit up in bed but I'm too exhausted I just fall backwards again.  
"It's okay. I've got you," Josh reassures me. He unbuttons my jeans and I wiggle out of them the best I can. He lifts my shirt over his head and helps me under the covers. 

He walks over to his dresser and takes his shirt and pants off, folding them and setting them on top. He slips a pair of gym shorts on. He turns the light off and walks back over to our bunks. 

This reminds me of the first time I got drunk. He was just helpful then as he is now. It's a weird comforting feeling having him by my side. I trust him. I really trust him. I barely even know him. I'm more myself when I'm around him though.  
"Thank you," I yawn again.  
"No need," He starts to make his up to his bed.  
"Wait," I stop him, "come here."  
He steps down from the ladder and joins my bedside.  
"What is it?" He asks concerned.  
"Come here," I repeat and pat the space on my bed.  
Without hesitation he climbs into my bed and lays down on the other side of me. 

We both lay on our backs, shoulder to shoulder, breathing at the same pace. My eyelids are heavy. I want to talk to Josh more. I want to tell him everything about me but I'm so tired and I can't think straight. I'm still intoxicated also. 

Being here with him is nice. We aren't speaking but just having him next to me is a beautiful feeling. It's confusing at the same time. 

"Thank you for today," I finally whisper to him. I turn my head to face him and he does the same. Our noses are inches apart.  
"Why are you thanking me?" He asks softly.  
"Because...I don't know."  
We're looking in each other's eyes now. My stomach fills with butterflies. His eyes are magical I think.  
"I'm gay," The words still feel funny coming out of my mouth.  
"Yes, I know. You told me," Josh grins.  
I scoot closer to him and rest my head on his shoulder. He puts his arm around my waist again and pulls me into his chest. He's so warm and soft and comforting. This is home to me. 

I want to stay here forever. I know I can't. Morning will come and we'll have to wake up. Then there's classes on Monday. My mother will be calling me. They'll want me to come visit eventually. I can't talk to them anytime soon. I can't tell them about me. I just can't.  
"I'm scared," I admit.  
"Scared of what?"  
"Myself," I sob, tears dripping onto Josh's shirt, "and my family, friends too."  
"I know, I know," He rubs my back softly.  
"What am I gunna do?"  
"Do whatever you want. You're on your own now, Tyler. You don't have to be scared of them anymore. It's okay to be who you want to be."  
"They're gunna hate me, Josh. I don't wanna be like this."  
"Shhh...everything is going to be alright I promise you..."  
I sniffle. Josh pulls me even closer to him and I nuzzle my head into the crook of his neck. I put my hand on his chest. Cuddling with him makes me feel safe and secure. I am so thankful for him. 

"Why are you being so nice to me?"  
"Because I care about you."  
"But why?" My voice is so quiet I'm surprised he can still hear me.  
"I don't know why. I just do," Josh answers honestly.  
"Okay," I sigh.  
"Do you not want me caring about you?"  
I stay silent. I don't know how to respond to that. I do want him to care about me but I can't say I do. I don't want him feeling obligated to look after me all the time.  
"You're worth me caring about you. I can't imagine not caring about you," He adds. 

My heart flutters a bit at his words. He makes me feel so special.  
"I like you a lot," I tell him in a groggy voice.  
"I like you a lot, too."  
I smile. 

"Josh?" I say a few minutes later, half asleep.  
"Yes Tyler?"  
"Do you think love is real?"  
"Well," He starts. He moves his hand up my back to my head and starts running his fingers through my hair. I close my eyes as he continues, "I think love is real. I think being in love is a lot more complicated though. Most people want to be in love, but it can be difficult"  
"Have you ever been in love?"  
"I'm not sure," His voice is quiet now. I'm slowly drifting off to sleep.  
"But yes, I believe it's possible to be in love."  
"Me too," I agree.  
"Sometimes it's scary. I think that's why so many people refuse to let themselves love," He explains, his hand still in my hair. I'm going to fall asleep any moment now. I'm going to fall asleep in Josh's arms.  
"I'm not scared anymore," I breathe the words slowly, not even knowing they're leaving my mouth. I'm not fully awake anymore. I may have been dreaming but I thought I heard Josh say "Neither am I" right before falling asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh hello i am still here. i wrote you a short but cute chapter to start off your week. i hope you like this it's very soft and fluffly \\( ﾟヮﾟ)/ -mary (:


	13. When Morning Comes

The first thing I noticed waking up was an awful headache. The second thing I noticed was Josh and I's legs tangled together and his arms around me. Obviously this makes the headache a lot less noticeable. I know I should get up. I have to go to the bathroom, but I don't want to. I don't want to leave Josh's arms or wake him up. 

The events of last night are slowly creeping back into my mind, making my heart skip a beat here and there. I'm not sure I remember everything correctly but I know that it was the most surreal night of my life. Now that I'm completely sober, I can form thoughts correctly. 

I still haven't moved. Josh has me locked in his arms. I really don't mind, though. I could stay like this forever. Of course, if I didn't have to pee so badly. I try and break free of Josh's grasp without waking him but I'm unsuccessful. He groans and starts moving his legs. He opens his eyes and I look away. 

"Well good morning," He smiles up at me and I blush.  
"Hi."  
He stretches out his arms and I watch intensely as his muscles strain through his shoulders and down his back. I have a better look at the colorful sleeve of tattoos that cover his right arm. I want to run my fingers over them but I control myself. I get out of bed once he's fully awake and put on a pair of sweatpants.  
"Um. Bathroom," I say nervously and grab my toothbrush and toothpaste and head out of the door. 

When I return, Josh is still laying in bed with the sheets a mess over his legs.  
"Sleep well?" He asks. I climb back into bed and sit across from him.  
"Yes. You?"  
"Very well actually," He tells me.  
I nod and run my fingers through my hair. My head hurts.  
"How do you feel?"  
"I'm fine."  
"Are you hungry? I can go get donuts," Josh suggests.  
I look up, "Will you?"  
I suddenly have a craving for donuts.  
"Of course," He awkwardly climbs out of my bed.  
He puts on the sweatpants laying on top of his dresser and pulls a shirt over his head. I rub my temples with two fingers and groan. Hangovers are no fun at all.  
"Here," Josh hands me a water bottle from the fridge and an aspirin, "take this. It'll ease your headache."  
"Thanks," I grab the water and pill from him and smile kindly.  
"No problem. I'll be back soon, okay?"  
"Okay."  
Josh grins at me before walking out of our room. 

I fall back onto my pillow and rest my hands on my stomach. I can't help the smile on my face as I start thinking more about last night. Hopefully my headache will go away soon. I want to spend today in peace. I'd like to talk to Josh more. I hardly remember what we talked about last night. All I remember is hearing Josh's voice while I fell asleep on his chest. 

After all of this, what's next? I should be more scared than excited but I'm not. I guess the adrenaline hasn't worn off yet. I never want it to. I need to learn to be comfortable with myself. Josh can help me with that. I know he can. He's helped me so much already. 

I'm trying not to focus on the negative. There's a lot of things I should be worried about but I'm putting it all off. I don't want to ruin this moment with unneeded stress. I know everything will be okay eventually. I'm an adult now. My entire life shouldn't be revolved around what my family thinks of me. I'll never be the person they want me to be and I need to accept that. My happiness is more important anyways. No matter what happens, I want to be happy; happy with myself. 

Ten minutes have passed. Josh will be back soon. I haven't moved from off my back. Maybe I should put a shirt on.  
"Hey," Josh enters and greets me with a box of donuts in his hands.  
"Hi," I repeat.  
"Hungry? I told the lady at the counter to give us one of everything basically. There's lots of different kinds of donuts. Chocolate, strawberry, cinnamon, jelly filled, red velvet, I bet that one's good..." Josh sets the box on our small table and I sit down to join him. He opens the box of multi flavored donuts and my mouth waters at the sight of them.  
"Looks delicious, thank you," I grab a random donut and take a big bite, moaning at the taste of it.  
"You're welcome," Josh takes a bite of his donut, "you like it?"  
I hum in response, mouth too full to speak. Josh just laughs. 

"What's this one?" I point at one of the pastries. I've already eaten two others.  
"I think that one is...cinnamon?" Josh tells me unsurely.  
I put it into my mouth and close my eyes. It is cinnamon.  
"Is it good?"  
"Yes. Very," I nod and finish it. I wipe my hands on a napkin and take a sip of water.  
"Here, try this one," Josh raises his half eaten donut up to my mouth and I take bite. Crumbs fall onto the table as I sink my teeth into it. I chew and cover my mouth with my hand as giggle, attempting to swallow.  
"Sorry," I laugh, "I didn't mean to make a mess."  
"You're fine," Josh smiles with his eyes.  
"That one tastes good."  
"It's chocolate cake flavored," Josh puts the rest in his mouth.  
"Hey," I pout.  
"Oh sorry. Did you want the rest?"  
I nod, "Another time."  
I watch as Josh's lips curl into a grin, eyes crinkling.  
"Yeah. Another time."

~

"Thank you. For the donuts and for last night," I plop down on my bunk next to Josh and cross my legs.  
"You thank me all the time," He leans back and rests his arms behind him.  
"I have a lot to thank you for. Not my fault."  
"Are we arguing about how thankful you are?"  
"Maybe. You started it though," I raise my eyebrows at him.  
"Okay. You're welcome," Josh sighs.  
I smile with my teeth. 

"You know," Josh starts, "you scared me last night."  
"I did? How?"  
"When you started drinking," I look away from him, ashamed, as he continues, "I just got scared. I wanted you to stay safe. You're underage so I didn't want you getting in any trouble. And I thought it was because of me."  
I snap my head up, "I wasn't drinking because of you. It had nothing to do with you," I assure him.  
"Okay, okay, that's good to hear. So why?" He asks concerned.  
"A mixture of a lot of things," I trail off. I run my fingers through my hair. It's a nervous habit.  
"You're okay now though, right?"  
"Yeah, of course. Thanks to you," I look back up at Josh before falling on my back and resting my head on my pillow. He crawls over to me and lays on his side. His elbow props up his head above me. I turn my head to face him.  
"You're thanking me again."  
"If you hate being thanked then you should stop being so nice to me," I tell him.  
"No I like it."  
"What? Being nice or being thanked?"  
"Both," He responds cockily.  
"I see," I hold in a smile.  
"But why are you thanking me this time?"  
"You know. For the beach," I say quietly. The sudden change of mood catches me off guard.  
"You coming out to me was all you, Tyler."  
"No," I shake my head, "it wasn't. You helped me. You and the alcohol, but mostly you."  
Josh doesn't reply to that. He just looks at me with his lips slightly parted.  
"What?" I ask him puzzled.  
He shakes his head, "Nothing. You're just really fascinating, that's all."  
"How am I fascinating? I haven't said anything."  
"I don't know. You just are," He half shrugs.  
"Okay."

I look up at the ceiling for a while before closing my eyes. Josh doesn't move or speak. I can feel his eyes on me. When I open them I see that he is still looking at me.  
"What!" I exclaim and sit up.  
"It's nothing, it's nothing!" Josh looks up at me with a big smile plastered on his face.  
"Well stop staring at me," I fall backwards again and turn over on my side so I'm facing Josh.  
"Okay I'll try," Josh says sarcastically. He closes his eyes and sighs. 

"Hey," I poke his cheek and his eyes spring open.  
"Yes?"  
"When did you, like, know..." My voice cuts out.  
"Know?"  
"Know that you were gay."  
"Oh, well," He starts, "I guess I've always kind of known. I didn't just wake up one day and realize it. It took me a while to admit it to myself though."  
"When did you come out?" I say almost in a whisper.  
"I told my friends casually, one at a time. They were cool about it. I think they already know though. I told my family when I was..." He looks up to the sky, "15? 16 maybe? I can't remember exactly. I was young." I nod and blink slowly.  
"How did they react? Your family?" I ask him cautiously. I don't want to make him uncomfortable or invade his privacy. I'm just curious.  
"They were shocked at first but they accepted me. They're good people, my mom and dad."  
"You're lucky," I blurt out.  
"I am lucky," Josh nods and looks into my eyes, "it's okay."  
"My mother and father, they won't accept me. I'm not even sure I accept myself," I tell Josh honestly.  
"If they don't accept you then you don't need them. And as for yourself, it'll get easier. You'll learn to love yourself, okay?"  
"Yeah, okay," I roll over onto my back again.  
"I mean it, Tyler. I really do." Josh mimics me and lays on his back beside me. 

"Why are you so nice to me?"  
"Don't start this again-"  
"I want to know why," I cut him off.  
"You want to know why? Because I like you that's why."  
"But why-"  
"Why wouldn't I? Answer that," He raises his voice slightly.  
I sit up to face him and he does the same. My legs are crossed and so are my arms over my bare chest. I should have put a shirt on.  
"I'm kind of a burden don't you think? I'm all messed up."  
Josh shakes his head and snorts, "You are not a burden. Why would-what even makes you think that?"  
"Last night first of all," I argue.  
"I'm telling you right now you are the farthest thing from a burden. I like being with you, Tyler. I don't care if you're 'all messed up'. You're special. Stop asking me why I like you," Josh snaps.  
I furrow my eyebrows and keep my eyes focused on Josh's face. He doesn't look angry, only a little annoyed.  
"Sorry for bringing it up," I look down at my hands in my lap.  
"Don't apologize," Josh tells me. I don't look up. I feel guilty now. 

"You know you can always talk to me. About anything," Josh assures me, "Ty?"  
I look up at him, "Yeah. Yeah, thanks," I say shyly, my cheeks starting to pink from the usage of the nickname 'Ty'. I want to jump into Josh's lap and wrap my arms around his neck. I want to thank him a hundred times for all the good he's done for me. I'll never be able to explain how thankful I am for him. I feel my throat tighten. No. I won't cry.  
"You okay?" Josh asks. He looks concerned.  
"I like you too. A lot."  
He grins, "That's good to know."  
"I really like you, Josh."  
"Yes, so I've heard."  
My stomach fills with butterflies and my hands start to shake a little. I always get this way when he looks into my eyes. I hope this feeling never goes away.  
"I want to hug you," I admit.  
"Then do it," Josh raises his eyebrows.  
I shake my head, "I can't."  
"Why not?"  
"Because I'll want more."  
"What's wrong with more?" Josh challenges.  
Our eyes haven't left each other's yet. The room feels hot and the air feels thick. I can't breathe but it feels good. Maybe I'm a little terrified. I don't mind. I keep shaking my head.  
"I can't."  
"I can," Josh's voice is low, "I could kiss you right now."  
My breath hitches.  
"Are you scared?"  
I nod quickly.  
"Do you want to kiss me?" Josh asks me slowly.  
I freeze.  
"I want to kiss you. God, I've wanted to kiss you since the first time I saw you," His voice is breathy and deep. My heart is about to beat out of my chest.  
"Can I be honest with you?"  
"Yes," I choke out.  
"I have the hardest time keeping my eyes off your lips," His eyes slowly drop to the bottom of my face and I take a deep breath, "they're the most perfect, soft, beautiful..." He groans and shakes his head.  
"It's so difficult being around you all the time. You have no idea."  
"So why haven't you kissed me?" I ask nervously.  
"I have some self-control. I didn't know if the feeling was mutual," He answers calmly. I am far from calm.  
"There's always room for taking chances," My eyelids flutter.  
"You're right. I should kiss you now."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaawww shiiiiit! look who's back. yes it's me. hope you all had a merry christmas. oh sorry for leaving you with a cliffhanger but i couldn't help it tbfh. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ uhh yeah enjoy babes.


	14. Come Apart

"I should kiss you now."

The words don't register in my head quick enough. Is he going to kiss me? Do I want him to? Of course I want him to. My head is spinning. My pupils are blown and my hands are shaking. No one has ever really kissed me before. 

"Tell me to stop and I'll stop," Josh's eyes move across my face and then focus in on my lips. 

Oh my gosh. 

I can hear my heart beating. Josh's face moves closer and closer to mine, not breaking eye contact. He puts his hand on my face and rubs my cheek with his thumb. I close my eyes briefly before opening them again. We're inches apart now. Finally, Josh leans in and puts his lips against mine. I close my eyes and inhale a large breath from the shock. Josh's hand moves from my face to the back of my neck and he pulls me in closer. We're kissing. 

Before I can stop myself I'm on my knees and crawling into Josh's lap, wrapping my legs around his waist, lips still attached to his. I tangle my fingers in his hair.  
"Fuck," Josh pulls away, "I've wanted this for so long."  
"Don't stop," I tell him desperately and dive into the kiss again. He groans and places his hands on my hips. I'm completely lost in him. 

The beginning of the kiss was slow, now it's electric. My entire body is in flames. Josh opens his mouth and I let our tongues meet for the first time. This is so bad. I want more.

Josh's POV

God, I can't believe this is happening. Tyler is on my lap with my tongue down his throat and he probably wants this as much as I do, if that's even possible. His hands are in my hair, slightly pulling it. He's driving me crazy. If I would have known this would be his reaction I would've kissed him a long time ago. My hands are trailing up and down his smooth, bare, back. 

For someone as inexperienced as Tyler, he sure knows exactly how to make someone hard. And I am. Hard. Just from kissing him. Again, I know he's inexperienced but he's a spectacular kisser. I need to stop. I pull away from him. He pouts, his lips are swollen and shiny. Fuck. I stop myself from returning to the kiss. I could kiss him for as long as he'd allow me too. 

"Why'd you stop?" Tyler asks me out of breathe.  
"Because," I rub his lower back and try to calm us both down. He puts his hands around the back of my neck wiggles on my lap. I bite my tongue and hold in a gasp.  
"C'mon," Tyler whines and bounces up and down like a child when he doesn't get his way.  
I let out a loud sigh. I fall backwards so that Tyler's no longer on my lap but keep my arms around his waist.  
"No," I whisper into his ear. He frowns at me.  
"Why?" He asks me nervously, "Did I do something wrong?"  
"No," I shake my head and trace my fingers up and down his face, "no you did nothing wrong it's-" I stop myself.  
How do I explain this without making him uncomfortable?  
"We should slow down, yeah?" I say softly.  
"I don't want to slow down," He admits, still frowning. God dammit. It takes everything in me not to pull him onto my lap again.  
"We need to."  
"I don't care, Josh," He leans in and rubs his nose against my cheek, "wanna kiss you."  
I rub my lips against his teasingly, "Yeah?"  
"Mmm," Tyler nods, lips still brushing mine.  
"So why didn't you kiss me sooner then?" I pull away and watch Tyler's face flush.  
"I was scared," He leans again, "but now I'm not."  
"Oh," I clear my throat, "what changed?" I'm trying to start a conversation. I'm trying to calm down.  
"I don't know, a lot," He blushes.  
"Hm...like what?" I ignore his hands tangling themselves in my hair.  
"Like," He huffs, "Well I don't know."  
I grab both of his hands from my hair and place them back by his side. He pouts at that.  
"Think," I tell him.  
"I don't want to think," He scoots himself closer to me and rests his head on my shoulder. I roll over on my back.

"Whatcha doing, Ty?"  
His fingertips are tracing the outlines of my tattoo.  
"Did it hurt?"  
"What? The tattoo?"  
"Yeah."  
"Only a little," I follow his fingers with my eyes, "why? You want one?"  
He shrugs, "Maybe. I don't know what I'd get though."  
"Well there's plenty of time to decide."  
"It's pretty," Tyler says in a whisper, "I want a pretty one."  
"You've got plenty of pretty on you already," I grin. He stops and looks up at me, his face turning red, "What? Too cheesy?"  
"Maybe," He cuddles up next to me and hides his face.  
"You know what's funny?" I ask him.  
"What's funny?"  
"When I say something nice about you or give a compliment you shy up," I smirk.  
"So-"  
"I'm not finished," I raise a finger, "but when I kissed you all that shyness went away. Like completely. I was shocked. Surprised. Amazed if I'm being hones-" Tyler covers my mouth with his hand.  
"Okay, okay, I get it," He giggles. He removes his hand.  
"It's a good thing. I'm glad you're comfortable with me."

His face is still red which is kind of adorable. He grins and rests his chin on my chest so that our faces are inches apart. I run my fingers through his light brown hair and he closes his eyes.  
"Your hair is soft," I say soothingly into his ear.  
"So is yours," He replies.  
"Well yours is softer."  
He just smiles at that.

 

"How do you feel?"  
"Happy," He sighs, "really happy."  
"That's good. So am I," I move my hand from his hair to the bottom of his chin and raise his head up closer to mine. I kiss him once, softly and quickly on his lips.  
"Your lips are soft, too," I move back into kiss him but leave our lips only slightly brushing one another's. I can feel his breathing start to quicken under me and hear his breath hitch when our lips touch momentarily.  
"Then kiss me again," He stutters, "Please."  
"Why so urgent?" I tease him and pull away. He whines and tugs on my shirt.  
"Josh."  
I love watching him like this. If I didn't want to kiss him just as badly I would tease him forever. I pull him in to me and lift his chin up again and watch his eyes widen with excitement. I slowly press our lips together. It's different from the first time. It's gentle and less rushed.  
Tyler grips the side of my neck with one hand, the other resting against my heart. I can feel his heart beating. The hotness in my face and stomach is creeping back. I wonder if Tyler feels it too. He opens his mouth first and our tongues touch. God, he tastes wonderful. 

Although this kiss is slow and passionate, I can feel myself start to get turned on. I've never had anyone kiss me like this before. I've kissed a lot of people; girls and boys. Tyler is different. It feels genuine with him. Maybe that's why I'm turned on? Whatever reason being, this boy has complete control over me. I lose myself when I'm with him. 

Tyler presses his hands against my chest and lifts himself up. He straddles my waist, his ass uncomfortably close to my hardening dick. The kiss is starting to speed him now. I know I should stop but I can't. I place my hands on his lower back. Our mouths haven't parted yet. He is is like a drug to me. I need to stop kissing him. Tyler's thighs are on either side of me. I grab his hips to prevent any movement. 

I bite his bottom lip and he moans. I nearly cum at the sound of him. Fuck. I really need to stop. I pull away and less than seconds later Tyler's mouth is on my neck planting sloppy kisses.  
"Tyler, fuck," My head falls backwards, "Tyler-"  
I put my hand on the back of his neck. He's incredible. Too incredible. I'm hard again and there's no way of hiding it now.  
"Ty."  
"Mmhm..." He hums against my neck. I'm about to lose my mind.  
"You should probably, fuck. You should probably stop," I choke out. He grinds down slightly and I gasp.  
"Do you want me to stop?" He moves to the other side of my neck.  
"I didn't say I wanted you to stop," I groan, "just that you should."  
"And why is that?" He stops sucking on my neck and looks at me. His lips are plump and covered in spit. I don't want him to stop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi everyone. here's a short steamy chapter i wrote for you all. i wrote some in josh's pov and im not sure how to feel about it but it was fun. please let me know if you like it or not seriously because if you don't i won't write it like that again! it would have been longer but my asshole friends were harassing me to update. shout out to y'all. enjoy lovelies! hope you had a merry christmas!!! <3


	15. Friction

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***NSFW***  
> yes, there is smut in this chapter (nothing too graphic it all) so if you're uncomfortable with smut at all you can skip this. just wanted to give you guys a heads up. oh, and enjoy lol ;)

Josh's POV

Tyler's sitting comfortably on my hips. His breathing is quick and shallow and his face is pink. He's waiting for me to respond. His eyes move from my lips to my chest and to my lips again. He's desperate for movement. I can tell. I went to tackle him and kiss him until he's begging for more. Before all of this he said if he hugged me he would want more. I should've asked what he meant by that. 

I've been laying here with an impatient Tyler on top of me for too long. I don't know what to do. I could keep making out with him but I'm painfully hard and his ass rubbing against me while we kiss wouldn't fix the problem. I could stop again. I could tell Tyler we need to slow down. That'd option would make the both of us unhappy. 

I'm having trouble forming coherent thoughts due to the fact that I'm beyond turned on. I can't concentrate on anything other than the weight on my lower stomach and hips. I can't lay here forever. Tyler sassily crosses his arms and huffs. I wish I could read his mind. 

"What do you want," I ask finally. I'm surprised my voice didn't break.  
"You," Tyler answers abruptly.  
I laugh nervously, "You're going to have to be more specific than that."

Tyler leans down slowly, keeping his eyes in contact with mine. He kisses me gently on the cheek. He sits up again to watch my reaction. He smiles when he notices the shock on my face. He's testing me. He lowers his head closer to mine again so that our chests are touching. His heart beat is brisk and his breathing is wrecked. His hands rest on either of my shoulders. I lean up to brush my lips against his. We both need some sort of release. Any skin to skin contact. 

"Tell me what you want," I whisper. Our faces are barely apart and I could easily press our lips together at any time. I restrain myself from doing so.  
"I don't know," Tyler lets out a frustrated sigh.  
"Hey," I graze the back of my hand across his cheek, "it's up to you."  
I don't know entirely what I mean by that. I just want to say something to give him a sense of comfort. 

Tyler nods. He readjusts himself on my lap and I hold in a groan. It's not much but it's enough to remind me that I'm still hard. I see a small but noticeable smirk appear on his face. He knows. 

It feels like hours since we've last kissed, since I've last felt the heat between us. Thankfully, Tyler reconnects our mouths and we're back in the bliss we've created for ourselves. The kiss isn't slow. It's exciting. I put my arms on the bed below me and push myself up into a slightly sitting position. I pull Tyler onto my chest as my back rests against the wall behind me. My hands grasp his lower back and he rolls his hips up. Christ. I can feel that he's hard too. He continues kissing me. His hands trail underneath my shirt, rubbing my chest. Every time he moves the slightest our hips collide and I lose my breath. His hands are on my shoulders now. I'm no longer in control of my own thoughts or body. Tyler took that away from me the moment he started grinding against my crotch. 

"Do you still want me to stop?" He pulls away from my mouth and attaches his lips to my neck.  
"Fuck no," I can feel his lips curl into a smile as they plant small kisses on my jaw. There is no way he hasn't done this before. How does he know exactly how to make me lose my mind? He licks up the middle of my neck right below my adam's apple before returning to kissing my mouth. I shiver and kiss him with enough force to bruise his lips. 

Tyler rolls his hips once. Twice. Three times. I jerk mine up to meet his and he bite my bottom lip. He whines when I part our mouths. I dive my head down to his neck and nibble at the soft skin just above his collar bone. I hear his breathing get louder. He desperately wiggles his hips on top of me in an effort to ease some of the pressure building up in his stomach and crotch. I know he's hard. We're both hard. It's getting difficult to hold in the moans that rise to the top of my throat every time Tyler moves and applies pressure on to my dick. 

After I finish bruising up Tyler's neck I look at him in an attempt to read his thoughts. His fingers grip my shoulders tightly. His mouth is open and his cheeks are flushed. His hair is a mess over his forehead. I can tell just by the way his eyebrows are furrowed, he wants to keep going. If we continue at the pace we were going before I wont be able to stop myself from coming. 

"Kiss me," Tyler demands. He sounds wild and in need of contact.  
"If we keep going..." I raise my eyebrows at him and he shakes his head.  
"Yeah? What?" His eyes widen when he starts rocking back and forth on my lap. Shit. I watch his eyelids flutter and his jaw clench. There's no way we're stopping now. I groan and watch Tyler slowly grind down onto my dick. He fucking loves this. His eyes are rolled back into his skull. His lips are raw and almost bleeding from him biting them. It's completely obscene. 

I grab the back of his neck and push his head down to my mouth. My other hand wraps around his lower back and guides his movements. There's layers of clothing separating us but I can feel his dick hardening against mine under both of our pants and underwear. 

"Fuck," I tilt my head back and groan as the pleasure takes over. Tyler's kept a steady pace so far but begins speeding up as the friction becomes stronger. I open my eyes to watch him. There's a thin layer of sweat forming across his forehead. He's grinding hard onto me. I'm not going to last long. 

Tyler whines and buries his head in my shoulder. He's breathing hard against my chest. He's an absolute mess. My stomach turns at the thought of him coming in my lap. I want to touch him. I want to pleasure him myself. Another time. For now, I let him have control of the situation. He's taking his time and it's driving me crazy. 

I grab Tyler's thighs and pull him closer to me so that his dick has a perfect angle towards mine. I kiss him gently and he moans into my mouth. He's trying to be quiet but as soon as he starts moving his hips again he lets out a loud whimper. I find the strength to keep kissing him without coming. He hasn't released his tight grip on my shoulders. I imagine he's holding on to me for support so he doesn't fall over. 

His legs are trembling. I don't know anything about Tyler's sexual experiences but I know he's enjoying this. I wonder how badly he's wanted this. I wonder if he wants more. I know I do. The way Tyler is riding my lap is like something out of a porno. I would have never thought he would be up to something like this. There's something so kinky, so dirty about this whole situation. I can't get enough of it. 

I start sucking on his neck again and he shudders.  
"Mmm- Josh." He squeezes his eyes shut and let's his head into the crook of my neck. 

The way he says my name makes my cock twitch with excitement. I'm painfully hard. I could cum right now but I stop myself. I want him to finish first. I can tell he's close by the way his thrusts and grinds are getting sloppy and slow. His breathing is loud and choppy. I feel his warm breath on my neck and I shiver. He raises his head so that we're looking at each other, faces barely apart, chests pressed together. 

Tyler lets out a small moan and fuck, I nearly lose it. He sounds so pretty yet so dirty. I want to hear more of him. I want to hear what he sounds like when he orgasms. 

"Are you," My voice cuts out, "close? Are you close?" I ask him shakily.  
Tyler nods quickly and he looks like he's going to cry, "Yes."  
His head falls back and I place both of my hands behind him to keep him steady. I take a deep breathe before holding in it again. Tyler is skillfully grinding his dick against mine and the pressure in my stomach returns. Everything is hot. The arousal in the room is suffocating me. I lick my lips and watch Tyler's face twist in pleasure. His neck is covered in bites and bruises. I've never been this turned on before in my life. 

Tyler removes his hands from my shoulders before tangling his lanky fingers in my already messy hair. He's so close. I force my eyes to stay open so I can watch him. He moans softly and closes his eyes. He starts rocking faster and the friction grows below my waist.  
"Holy shit-" I groan and release a breath I didn't know I was holding.  
"Feels so good," Tyler whimpers.  
"Yeah?" I wheeze and tighten my grip on his hips.  
"Mhmm," He moans. His entire body is trembling.  
"You wanna cum? Hm?"  
"Yes," He nods urgently. He's completely out of it now. So am I. I'm surprised I haven't cum yet. 

Tyler tugs on my hair and whines as his hips shake and thighs quiver. I need to cum. Each time I look at him I'm closer to the edge. 

"Josh, oh-" Tyler moans my name. Every breath he lets out is now a whimper of ecstasy.  
"Shit shit shit," I curse to myself. My heart is beating rapidly. Tyler squirms and cries out as he pulls hard on my hair. A sharp twinge of pain runs through my scalp. It's a stimulating mixture of pain and pleasure. A coldness washes over me and I know I am seconds away from coming. 

"Cum for me," I purr into Tyler's ear. The noise he makes is filthy and glorious and it makes my stomach drop in the most delightful way. He only nods once at my request and his face flushes with relief. 

He pulls on my hair again and sobs. I watch as his mouth opens and lips quiver. His body shakes and fuck, it's the most wonderful sight I've ever seen. I nearly pass out from the pleasure that washes over me. Tyler's grinds down with more force than ever and I realize he's on the edge of his orgasm. He needs something a little more to get there. 

"God, you're so pretty, Tyler. Fuck. You feel so good."

That's enough for him. He's coming in his pants. He throws his head back and moans fly freely from his lips.  
"Holy shit," I groan. Watching Tyler cum and the hard pull of my hair in his hands is an instant trigger for my orgasm and seconds later I'm joining him in euphoria. I cum hard and almost black out. 

We're both moaning and shivering together and it's the most wonderful feeling I've ever shared with anyone.  
"Good boy," I sooth as he continues riding my lap through his orgasm. There's a slight wetness growing between us, soaking through our pants. Fuck.  
"Mmm," Tyler whines quietly. His thighs are still trembling. Our breathing is slowly starting to return to normal again. 

"Jesus Christ," I utter under my breath. Tyler is still shaking and whimpering with his head laying on my chest, hands still in my hair. I snake both of my arms around his small waist and pat his head gently. 

"You good?" I ask him moments later when he calms down. He just hums in response, "C'mere."  
He lifts his head and I plant a soft kiss on his swollen lips. His eyes close. He looks sleepy.  
"You were so amazing, Ty. You know that?" I caress his face with my palms. He responds with a kiss and lays his head back down. 

He needs time to recover which I completely understand. That may have been the most intense and hot thing I've ever done with a guy. And for me, that says a lot. Before Tyler everything was the same. It was boring. With him it's different. This kid has no idea what he's doing to me. And I love that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! okay i took my time writing this because i literally do not and can not write smut, lets be honest. but i did the best i can for you guys so here you go. i hope you liked it a little. if you got turned on then my job is done. okay well ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ LOL!!! until next time. peace.


	16. Forever.

_Tyler's POV_ __

I feel warmth. I feel warmth on my skin and in my head and spreading through my insides like glue. And I also feel satisfied, in more ways than one. If I weren't so light headed I could gather my thoughts more easily. Right now I'm catching my breath but I don't think I'll ever be able to. It's hard to explain if I'm being honest. My lungs are getting plenty enough oxygen but my mind isn't. My mind is racing and so is my heart. My heart hasn't stopping beating this fast for a long time. I don't really mind. I won't ever get used to it though which is fine by me. Josh is the only person who has ever made my heart beat this fast. He's the only person who can make my breathing slow and then speed up again. Josh.

His arms are hugging me. I can hear his heart beating. My eyes are closed, head against his chest. We've been in this position for a while now. Everything is calm. I feel relaxed like this. I have never felt so relaxed and so out of my head. Is this what it feels like to take drugs? I wouldn't know.

Josh is the first to speak. His hands readjust themselves on my back.  
"How do you feel?" He asks me. Unsure of how to put my feelings to words, I lift my head from his chest and kiss him. He hums surprised but returns the kiss. I love kissing him. I love the way his lips feel on mine and the way my stomach fills with butterflies. I never knew how much of a pleasure kissing someone is. If I would have, I would've kissed him a long time ago. I regret it now.

"So, good?" Josh chuckles when he pulls away.  
"Yes," I smile shyly and put my head back on his chest. He massages my shoulder with one of his hands and sighs.  
"Hey," He nudges me slightly, "we should get out of these pants." Oh. He's right.  
"Yeah," I agree quietly. My face gets hot at the thought of what happened only moments ago. I hadn't even noticed the wetness on my pants. Josh unwraps his arms around me and I move off of him. He stands up first and grabs a fresh pair of underwear from his dresser.

"I'll change in the bathrooms. Give you some privacy, okay?" He tells me kindly.  
I nod, "Thanks."  
Josh smiles and exits the room. I grab a new pair of underwear and slip the sweats and wet briefs off. I put the clean pair on and chunk my other clothes in the laundry hamper beside my bed. I pull a black shirt over my head and slip on my dads old basketball shorts.

I plop back down on my bed and think. I think about Josh until he renters the room. He tosses his clothes in the hamper on top of mine. I blush as his tan, muscular, body moves to his drawers and retrieves another pair of shorts, but not a shirt. He puts them on and I look away when he turns around to walk back over to me. He notices my red cheeks and holds back a smile. I expected to feel awkward or weird after our...relations, but I don't. I feel comfortable. Josh makes me feel comfortable and I know now I can be myself around him without worrying.

Josh climbs back into bed and I scoot over to give him room. Once he's situated, laying on his back, I lie next to him and rest my head on his shoulder.  
"You okay?" He asks.  
"Yes Josh, I'm great. You can stop asking now," I answer him with a growing grin.  
"Okay, okay. Just making sure."  
"Thank you. I promise I'm okay," I assure.

"So do you wanna talk about it or..." Josh speaks up.  
"Josh!" I gasp. I look up at him with my mouth open.  
"Well sorry! I don't know what to say," He snorts and throws his hands up dramatically, "I don't want you uncomfortable or anything."  
"I'm not uncomfortable."  
"That's good. I thought you would be you know," He meets my glance.  
"Why is that?" I ask.  
"Because it was your first time with a guy I guess and I don't know...I thought maybe you'd feel different or something."  
"I do feel different. Not in a bad way or anything," I keep my eyes on him as I continue, "It's hard to explain. Everything happened so suddenly."  
"Yeah it did," Josh shakes his head and smirks. I scoot closer to him. I lay my head on his bare chest and make myself more comfortable. He wraps his right arm around my waist and cuddles me in.  
"I don't-I didn't know what I was doing," I admit, "I don't know why I didn't stop, sorry."  
"Don't apologize. What the hell?" Josh looks down at me and furrows his brows. "Why would you apologize for that?" He questions me.  
"Because you wanted to stop and I didn't."  
"I did not want to stop. Trust me. I just didn't want anything to happen that you weren't 100% comfortable with, that's all. You did nothing wrong, okay?"  
"Okay." I smile.  
"I wanted it more than you did anyways," He adds.  
"I doubt it."  
"Seriously? Don't be ridiculous."  
"I'm the one who came onto you remember!" I argue.  
"Okay, we are not going to argue about who wanted it more," Josh grins and rubs my back.

I keep my head rested on Josh's chest and concentrate on his breathing. He's warm underneath me. I've noticed that about him. It's usually quite cold in Ohio and I've gotten used to that. Everything here is California is warm. Josh is a different kind of warm. His warmth radiants off of him like rays of sun. I like the feeling of his skin and the way it feels on my cheek. I like his arms, too. They're big, unlike mine. I like the tattoo that covers his left arm. I like the design and the vibrant streaks of color. It's a work of art, the tattoo. Josh as a person is a work of art as well. Not to be too dramatic or deep or anything.

We lay together in the quietness of our room for a great amount of time. I don't know why but I enjoy the silence. It's easy to just be here with him and not speak. I don't ever get bored. It's just his presence no matter what we are doing or talking about. It's an almost soothing feeling having him close to me. I feel safe. Everything is new. I've never felt this way before and sometimes it gets overwhelming but I think I'm doing an okay job of handling it.

I try not to overthink. I want to enjoy our time together. I know the weekend is slowly coming to an end. I know on Monday I will have to return to my classes and speak to my mother. I want this bliss to last forever. Is that even possible? I'm overthinking.

"Are you tired?" Josh asks.  
"Not really, no."  
"Me neither."

We're quiet again. I could sleep but I'm not sleepy and I'd rather just relax than go to sleep. I don't want to miss anything. I'd like to spend today enjoying nothing in particular. Being alone with Josh is entertaining enough. It's still early, not quite noon yet. I have no energy to get up and go out today or tomorrow either. I'm sure Josh feels the same way. There's something about the weekends that pull the lazy out of me. My weeks are usually busy and stressful, that's why. I'm thankful that I don't have anything to do until Monday. I wish I had Monday off too.

"Your eyelashes are so long," Josh says softly, "I can feel them. When you blink I can feel your eyelashes on my chest."  
"Sorry."  
"No," Josh shakes his head, "I like it. I like you."  
My cheeks heat up and the corners of my mouth twinge into a smile. I want to say something back. I'm afraid of what might come out of my mouth if I open it so I stay silent. I let the moment pass but the fuzziness in my stomach doesn't leave. I keep my ear pressed against Josh's heart and my eyelashes slightly fluttering against his skin.

My phone rings. Great. I smile apologetically at Josh as I reach my arm behind me and grab my phone under my pillow.  
"It's my mother," I sigh.  
"You can take it, I don't mind," Josh assures me.  
"No," I hang up the phone and silent the ringing, "I don't want to talk to her right now. I don't want to tell her about us yet."  
"Us?" Josh repeats with his eyebrows raised in amusement.  
I sit up away from him, panic rising in my voice, "No! No I mean, me. I don't want to tell her about me...you know..." I tangle my fingers together.  
"I didn't mean-I didn't mean it like that, I'm-" Josh cuts me off.  
"I think 'us' sounds better. Don't you think?" Josh sits up too with a growing grin appearing on his face.  
I don't respond. My eyes widen in shock as he continues.  
"What do you want?" He asks me seriously. His facial expression changed quickly. I open my mouth to speak but close it again. I'm confused by the question. I don't know exactly what I want either. Right now, I have no idea. Everything changed after I met Josh.  
"To be happy," I finally answer. It's a simple response and I'm not sure if it was the answer he was looking for. He nods. He crinkles his brows in thought.

I feel the mood of the room shift. I play with my fingers in anticipation. I wait patiently for Josh's reply but it seems he's at a lost for words. What does he want? I can't tell.

"Be happy with me," Josh looks at me and I look back at him. My stomach tightens. The words float into my head and a million different questions fill my brain.  
"Be happy with you? Like, together? Us?" I look around the room in confusion.  
"Tyler," Josh says my name quietly, "look at me." I comply and take a deep breath, focusing my eyes back on Josh's.  
"Us." He nods.  
"Us?"  
"Yes," He giggles, "us. That's it."  
"Okay," I smile again once I feel the tension leave my body.  
"Really?" Josh's face lights up with surprise.  
"Yeah. Let's do it," I beam.  
"Seriously?"  
"Yes!" I laugh and Josh shakes his head with a big grin across his face.  
"I didn't think...I didn't think you'd actually..." Josh trails off.  
I tackle him and he falls backwards onto his back. He pulls my head in and kisses me.

I kiss him with force. Our lips messily collide as I wrap my hands around the back of his neck. I straddle his waist and his hands rest on the top of my back. I nearly forget to breathe. I love kissing him. I could kiss him forever. I want to kiss him forever. I want this feeling to last forever.

"Hey," Josh breathes in between kisses.  
"Tyler," He speaks up again after I reconnect our lips.  
"Sorry," I pull away and calm myself down. "Just got excited," I admit. My chest rises and falls quickly.  
"It's okay," Josh caresses my cheek gently. He has an amused look on his face, "It happens."  
I glare at him jokingly and fall onto my side back into our original position. He kisses the top of my head, a romantic gesture that makes my heart skip a beat. I feel such an overwhelming feeling of happiness. Also a tinge of nervousness that I hope will pass. I guess I'll find out soon enough.

~

The rest of the day is spent in pure bliss. We lie in my cozy bunk for most of it, just talking. We talk about everything. It's so amazingly easy to talk to Josh. I get to know him and he gets to know me. We have a lot in common surprisingly. I don't think we'll ever run out of things to talk about. We finally exchange phone numbers so that we'll be able to text each other during the day which will definitely come in handy.

Josh goes and picks up dinner for us: sandwiches, again. I'm used to eating these but I don't mind. It's a signature meal for me now.

Josh tells me about his friends from High School and his family. I tell him about Lexi but avoid talking about my family, he understands. I wish I didn't have to deal with them. Josh assures me not to worry and that no matter what happens he'll be by my side. That gives me a lot of comfort and I start thinking more positively about the situation. I don't have to come out soon. Josh tells me it's totally up to me anyways. I feel loads better after talking to him. I thank him about a hundred times but he tells me it's no biggie. I like that about him. I like a lot about him actually. I could make a list with reasons but I'd run out of space. It's the little things that catch my attention. Like when he plays with the ends of his hair when he's thinking or the way he crinkles his eyes when he smiles. I'm so soft for him. I never imaged myself falling for him the day I met him. But I am, falling for him. Hard. Honestly, I'm okay with it. I just hope he feels the same way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiiiii here you go ladies, enjoy! joshler rise. seriously, rise.


	17. Beginnings

Tyler's POV

My phone buzzes in my pocket. Once. Twice. I'm in the middle of a lecture right now and the teacher is loud and the room is big. Obviously no one heard it or is paying in attention to me. I mean, it's Monday. Everyone is tired; barely awake from their weekend of partying. My weekend was wonderful, though. 

If I check my phone I'll be tempted to answer whoever it is texting me. The last thing I want is to get caught on my phone during a lecture. I'll take my chances.

It's from Josh. 

'Hey.' From 5 minutes ago.

'U busy?' From 3 minutes ago. 

I hold back a smile and type in my passcode. 

'am i busy? im in the middle of a class of course im busy.' 

I send it and lock it again. Moments later I hear another buzz. 

'Sassy. I like it.' 

I put my elbow on the table in front of me and place my face in my hand to avoid making any noise. I smile against my palm and text back. 

'where are you?' 

'I'm in Chemistry'

'shouldn't u be paying attention?'

There's only a few more minutes until this class is over. 

'I can't pay attention when I'm thinking about u'

I tighten the grip on my face with my hand and clear my throat. I hope no one notices me acting strange. Texting Josh back was a mistake. 

'Shouldn't u be paying attention too?'

'you texted be first. i didn't want to be rude and ignore you.'

'That's so nice of u to think about my feelings like that...'

'ha ha.'

The bell finally rings dismissing us. Everyone stands up and exits the room before I can even gather my things together.

'class is over. i have two more left :/'

I slide my phone back into my jeans pocket and swing my backpack around my shoulder. I make my way out of the room and into the busy hallway. The light coming in from the window is bright and unexpected. I squint my eyes grab my phone out of my pocket again. Josh texted back. 

'Skip ur last two and come hang out with me'

I shake my head and start walking to my next class 

'no' I reply to him and put my phone away. 

~

I walk into my last class of the day to see a substitute teacher behind Mr. Terence's desk. I take a sit at my regular spot and wait patiently for class to begin. I decide to check my phone considering I haven't for the last hour and a half. I scroll down on screen and look through my messages, all sent by Josh. 

'Why not?'

'Oh cmon it'll be fun'

':('

'Now you're ignoring me'

'Have lunch with me'

'Tyler'

'Playing hard to get huh??'

'I miss u'

I cannot make the grin on my face go away while reading them. I should text him back but decide to leave him hanging instead. I wonder if he skipped class without me? Why did he want to in the first place? I'm eager to talk to him again. It's only been a few hours since I've last seen him but I do miss him. How strange? It's kind of embarrassing actually. To think there was a time where I spent most of my days trying to avoid seeming him. Now that we're "together" I want nothing more than to spend every moment with him. 

Class began shortly after I sat down. The substitute professor, Mr. Brown, hands us sheets of paper and gives us a prompt to write about. He tells us that Mr. Terence is sick and that his orders were to write a short essay on what we think our purpose is. We discussed this on Friday. I don't mind writing at all so I pick up my pencil and scribble down some notes before starting on the essay. 

Despite being a good writer, I couldn't concentrate very well and it took me longer than I expected to finish. When I do, I proof read it a few times and turned it into the front. The other students are talking amongst themselves now. I check the time. About ten more minutes until we can leave.

"Hey. Remember me?" I hear a voice say above me. I quickly lock my phone and look up. It's Mikey.  
"Oh. Hi," I greet him awkwardly. I'd forgotten how I ditched him Friday night at the party. I feel bad about it now but at the time I wasn't thinking straight, nor did I really care at all.  
"Didn't get to say goodbye on Friday. You left without telling me." My face gets hot and even without seeing it I know it's red.  
"Yeah...sorry about that. I didn't mean for that to happen," I apologize, "sorry."  
I fidget with my fingers. My hands are sweaty and shaky. I don't know what to say to him. I really hope he doesn't ask me to go out again with him.  
"Parties aren't really my thing," I continue. He just nods and takes a seat at the empty desk next to me.  
"I totally get it," He smiles. I return the smile uncomfortably and tap my fingers on my desk. 

When will the bell ring? I don't want to be rude to Mikey, he's a nice guy, but I feel awkward talking to him after what went down Friday. I wonder what he thinks happened that night. Hopefully he doesn't bring it up again. The bell rings and I widen my eyes, startled at the loud sound. I get up from my desk and grab my things.  
"See ya," I blurt out as I walk quickly away from Mikey and out of the door. I exit the room before he can get another word in. 

Once I'm outside I reach for my phone. I have one new text from Josh.

'I'm in our room. When do u get out?'

'on my way'

I send it and keep walking. I look down at my black vans and the heat of the sun hits my neck. The walk to the dorms is short. I enter the building and adjust to the cold temperature inside as I walk up the stairs. I feel a little bit of excitement when I open the door to our room and step inside. 

"There you are," Josh greets me from his top bunk. He closes the book he was reading and jumps down.  
"Hi," I smile at him.  
"How was your day?" He asks me.  
"Good, yours?"  
"Yeah, good."

I let my bag slide down my arm and onto the ground next to my bed. I press my toe to the heel of each of my shoes and slip them off of my feet. Josh watches me but doesn't speak. 

"Are you hungry?" He asks and sits down on the edge of my bunk. He taps a spot next to him for me to join him. I do and cross my legs under me.  
"Not really," I shake my head and face him.  
"Me neither. I just ate. I wanted you to skip class with me so we could eat together," Josh informs me.  
"Well I had already eaten and I wouldn't have skipped class with you anyways."  
"Why? Too scared?" He teases me.  
"No I wasn't scared. I want to do well in all my classes and skipping doesn't look good," I explain.  
"Ugh," Josh groans and falls backwards onto his back, "But class is so boring. Wouldn't you rather have fun with me?"  
I lay beside him on my back, "Well, yes, but-"  
"Then what's the problem?" Josh grins at me.  
"I actually care about doing good in school, unlike you."  
"Oh c'mon. You won't flunk out of college for missing one or two classes. You're such a goody two-shoes."  
"I am not a goody two-shoes," I huff.  
"You most definitely are Tyler."  
"Whatever," I pout  
"It's not a bad thing. I think it's cute," He admits. He rolls over on his side and puts his head in his elbow. I turn my head to look up to him. He's looking down at me with a big goofy smile on his face. I look away and try to stop the grin tugging at my lips.  
"Anyways," He sighs, "what do you wanna do for the rest of the day."  
I shrug, "Just hang out I guess."  
"Define hanging out."  
"Just- hanging out. I don't know," I giggle.  
"Okay. We can hang out," Josh removes his elbow from underneath him and lays beside me on his back again. 

"I talked to Mikey today," I say without thinking. I regret it immediately after. I don't want to talk about Mikey. I don't even know why I brought him up.  
"Who?" Josh faces me and frowns.  
"Mikey. From the party on Friday," I dart my eyes around the room.  
"Ohhhh," He nods, "that Mikey."  
"Yeah," I say slowly.  
"Well what happened?" He asks.  
"He came up to me a few minutes before class was over and said hey. I didn't really know what to tell him. He brought up the party and I apologized for leaving him like that."  
Josh nods, "That's it?"  
"Pretty much. I feel really bad about what happened."  
Josh turns his head to look at me.  
"I'm scared he's going to ask me to go to another party with him or something. I mean, he's a nice guy but I don't want- you know..."  
"For him to get the wrong idea. I get it."  
"Yeah," I face Josh so we're looking at each other.  
"It's okay to turn him down."  
"What if there's others...like other people who want to hang out? What if there's girls who try to talk to me? What if my mom tries to set me up with someone?" I tap my fingers quickly on my thighs and my heart rate increases.  
"Hey, Ty," Josh grabs my hand that's drumming my fingers against my leg, "C'mere." 

I shift my body closer to Josh's as he puts his arm around my waist and pulls me in. My stomach fills with butterflies.  
"Don't stress yourself out. It's gunna be okay."  
"I'm nervous that's all. Coming out...I don't know how...I don't even want to think about it," I admit.  
"So don't think about it. Coming out is your choice. It's your decision. It's completely up to you, okay?"  
"Okay," I nod and nuzzle my head into Josh's neck. He rests his chin on top of my head and sighs.  
"Why do you want to be with someone who you can't even tell people about? Why would you want to keep a relationship a secret," I continue.  
"Don't say it like that," I feel him shake his head.  
"I want to know," I pout.  
"Because I'd rather be with you in secret than not be with you at all."  
His words make my face hot. I squirm with excitement. I've never experienced something like this before. I've never felt these feelings until now and it's hard to handle.  
"Really?" I know he means it but I want to hear him say it.  
"Yes really," He replies.  
"Okay," I smile. 

I close my eyes contently and rest my head on Josh's chest. I love being here with him like this. I love the feeling of his arms around me. I feel safe. 

~

We take turns showering after dinner. We both get ready for bed early, even though it's only 8 o'clock. 

"You look good with wet hair," Josh tells me when I return to our dorm.  
"Thanks," I blush. He winks at me.  
He climbs to the top of his bunk and opens the laptop. He taps his bed.  
"Come up here. Let's watch a movie."  
I walk over to the ladder and climb up to him.  
"What are we watching?" I ask. He adjusts his pillow and props lays his head down on it, pulling his computer onto his lap. I lay beside him and he centers his computer so we can both see.  
"I don't know yet," He pulls up Netflix, "pick something."  
"I'm bad at picking out movies."  
"What are you in the mood for? Scary...sad...funny..."

We browse through the different movies before picking a cheesy looking romantic comedy from the trending section. We're only ten minutes into the movie before I start feeling sleepy. Josh laughs at the funny parts and shakes his head when a character says something stupid. I'm not watching the movie. I just smile when he smiles. Watching him watch the movie, in my opinion, is more entertaining than the movie itself. I feel myself drifting off to sleep. I do my best to stay awake. 

"This is so unrealistic!" Josh exclaims halfway through the movie.  
"What? Oh yeah," I say half asleep. I'm not even paying attention to what's happening.  
"They fell in love way too quickly," Josh continues.  
"What do you mean?"  
"There's no way they're in love with each other. They just met."  
"You don't know. Maybe they really are in love," I argue back. I'm a little more awake now and able carry out a conversation.  
"Maybe," Josh agrees with me. He looks away from the screen and turns his head to face me.  
"You tired?"  
I just nod and close my eyes.  
"We can finish this tomorrow if you'd like. You wanna do that?" He asks me in a quiet voice.  
"If you want," I mumble. I roll over onto my side and snuggle my head into the pillow.  
The sound of the movie cuts off and the light from the screen disappears. I sigh and flutter my eyelids.  
Josh sets his laptop near our feet. I hear him take off his shirt and toss it to the ground.  
"Goodnight, Tyler," Josh places his hand on my shoulder whispers into my ear. He kisses my forehead sweetly and I smile at the gesture.  
"Goodnight."  
Josh lays behind me and pulls some of the covers over him. His arm snakes over the front of my body and he pulls me closer to him. He places his chin on my shoulder and sighs. 

I don't want to ever sleep alone again. I've gotten so used to sleeping in the same bed with Josh. Falling asleep together gives me a feeling of security. I like waking up beside him too. I think I sleep better with him. Knowing his arms are around me helps me relax. I don't ever want to sleep alone again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! wtf!!!! this is so cute joshler is so cute guys. ((okay so if you're wondering my twitter is @tylerjozeph z for zayn. if you want to follow me that's cool i always tweet links to the new chapters when i update.)) hope you enjoy babes OH and comment your opinions i love reading what you guys have to say. love y'all. peace.


	18. Loving Someone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> psst. join my remind 101. ill be sending out links to the new chapters when im finished with them so you don't have to check every day to see if i updated or not. https://www.remind.com/join/proveme

When you're happy time is irrelevant. Same applies for when you're sad. Both of these emotions eventually pass. Hopefully the happiness lasts longer than the sadness. The ultimate goal is to one day find permanent happiness. Lately it feels like there's nothing in the world that could take away my joy. I'm so overwhelmingly happy that the smile on my face doesn't ever completely fade. 

Josh makes me happy. I don't know exactly what it is about him that makes me feel the way I do. Maybe it's the way he listens to me talk for hours and never gets uninterested. Or how takes away all of my anxiety and fears with just a few words. It could be when he kisses me right before I sleep so gently I barely notice. Again, I don't know what it is. I'm just so fond of him and everything about him. 

Josh is the first person I've ever had feelings for. He's my first everything. I think about him all the time. When I'm not with him my mind isn't right. I can't explain it. My entire world revolves around him. 

~

On Friday night he took me to this beautiful restaurant outside of town.  
"Why are we here?" I asked him half way through dinner.  
"I wanted to take you on a proper date. You deserve to be taken on dates to fancy restaurants all the time, Tyler."  
I blushed at that. I've never been on a real date before. I guess this was our first official date. I wouldn't count the fair as a real date. Although, at the time it felt like it.

~

I've been avoiding my parents. I haven't spoken to them in almost a week. I've been too busy with Josh and I don't want to talk to them because I fear I'll bring him up. I guess it's selfish but I don't care. I don't want them ruining this for me. 

"You should call her back," Josh tells me after I throw my phone to the end of the bed. It's Saturday night and we've been lying in bed all day long.  
"I will later," I reply.  
"She's probably worried about you. When's the last night you've talked to her?"  
"I don't know...maybe a week ago."  
"Tyler, she's your mother."  
"I don't really want to talk to her or either of my parents actually," I admit.  
"Why?"  
"Because I'm happy right now." I pout. Josh squeezes my shoulder with the arm he has around me. I rest my head against his heart and sigh. "I don't want them to know yet."  
Josh nods, "I understand, it's okay."  
I sigh, "I should call Lexi sometime."  
"Does she know about us?"  
"She doesn't know anything. I haven't told her," I admit.  
"Isn't she your best friend?" Josh asks.  
"Yeah..."  
"Why don't you call her now, tell her everything."  
"I don't want to right now," I whine and snuggle my head into Josh's shoulder.  
"Okay, okay. You hungry?"  
"Yes actually."  
"Pizza?"  
"Yes! Please!" I exclaim.  
"Alright," Josh giggles and reaches for his phone.  
"What do you want?" He turns towards me.  
"Just cheese," I answer.  
"Just cheese?" He repeats.  
"Yes, just cheese," I glare at him.  
"Okay. Just cheese." He smiles.  
Josh orders us a large pizza, half cheese and half sausage. My mouth waters in excitement while we wait for it to arrive. 

When the pizza gets here Josh brings it inside our dorm and sets it on the table.  
"Do you wanna watch another movie?" He asks me while opening the box and sniffing the steam that arises from the hot pizza.  
"Sure. You pick," I move the covers off of my legs and climb down the ladder.  
"I picked the last three, Ty."  
Josh grabs two paper plates from the cabinet above the sink along with a few paper towels. I grab a slice from the box and take a bite.  
"You always pick the best ones though," I tell him before taking another bite of the greasy pizza.  
"You've fallen asleep during every single movie I've picked out," He raises his eyebrows.  
"So? It was late and I was tired. I still enjoyed the parts that I saw."  
"Alright. Fine. I'm picking a scary movie so you won't be able to fall asleep on me this time," Josh puts two slices of pizza on his paper plate and climbs back up onto his bunk. I grab another piece and join him.  
"I don't like scary movies," I admit.  
"Oh, I love them," Josh responds. We both carefully climb up to Josh's bunk and settle in with our plates of pizza on our laps. Josh opens his laptop and pulls up Netflix. I watch him scroll through the horror movie section and I eat my pizza in silence. I hope he doesn't choose something too scary. I don't want to have nightmares or anything.  
"The Conjuring." Josh states and looks over to me. He smiles devilishly and takes a bite of pizza.  
I read the summary of the movie and my eyes widen. It sounds pretty scary to me. I finish my pizza and toss the empty plate to the end of the bed.  
"We're totally watching this."

10 minutes into the movie and I'm already creeped out. For some reason, it feels like the temperature in the room dropped several degrees since the movie started and the only thing keeping me from shivering is Josh's body heat. I pull the blanket up under my chin and it pulls the computer with it, nearly falling off of the bed. Josh stables it and snorts.  
"You cold?"  
"No," I lie. He wraps his arm around me anyways.

The movie is totally the most terrifying thing I've ever seen. It's basically about a family who's home is taken over by demons or evil spirits or something. There's too many jump scares and every time something happens I raise the blanket over my eyes to avoid screaming. Josh is amused by my fear. When I gasp he laughs. I continue glaring at him. I patiently wait for the movie to end but it never does.  
"This isn't even a good movie," I whisper to Josh.  
"If you were paying attention and not hiding under that blanket maybe you'd enjoy it," He whispers back sassily.  
I nudge his arm and focus my eyes on the screen. 

I grab Josh's bicep with both of my hands when a scary part in the movie takes me by surprise. I squeeze his arm until the part passes and sigh in relief once the demon is finally out of that poor woman.  
"Quite a death grip you got there," Josh rubs his arm.  
"Sorry," I apologize and giggle.  
"It's cool. It could come in handy."

The movie ends on a happy note and Josh closes his laptop.  
"That was a good movie, don't you think?" Josh teases me.  
"I still hate scary movies."  
"I like watching you watch scary movies."  
"Funny," I cross my arms.  
"Hey," Josh tightens his grip around me.  
"Hm?" I face him again.  
"I like doing this with you. Just hanging out."  
"Me too," I say quietly.  
Josh only smiles and looks at me. I lie face to face beside him. He leans in and kisses me. I close my eyes as the butterflies in my stomach twirl. I'm not used to kissing him yet. It's still new and exciting. He pulls away but I keep my eyes closed. He touches the tip of my nose with his finger.  
I open my eyes, "What'd you do that for?"  
"I really like your nose," Josh grins.  
"Why?"  
"It's a cute nose. It's really small."  
"Thanks?" I say puzzled.  
I see Josh's teeth glisten through the darkness of the room.  
"And your lips. I love your lips." He coos. He lifts his hand and rubs his thumb against my bottom lip. I open my mouth slightly. The heat in the room suddenly becomes more prominent and my body feels warmer than it was moments ago. Josh slowly moves his thumb into my mouth and my teeth brush his fingertip before I bite down softly. He gasps and pulls away.  
"Ow!" He exclaims surprised. I laugh as my body temperature returns to normal.  
"You shouldn't have put your finger in my mouth!" I giggle.  
"Well I didn't know you were going to bite me..." Josh shakes his head and widens his eyes humorously.  
"Sorry," I apologize.  
"It's okay. I'll learn to control myself and I'll try my best not to put my fingers in your mouth anymore."  
"Okay. Good idea." I say shyly. 

We lay in the dark together listening to each other's breathing until I can no longer stay awake. I get ready for bed alongside Josh and climb into my own bunk for the first time in days. I've grown used to sleeping with Josh. Now that we're in separate bunks I miss him. I close my eyes and try to fall asleep but my mind is racing. My body is tired but my head isn't. When I'm with Josh I don't think about anything other than him. 

I keep my head pressed against my own pillow with my eyes open for what feels like hours. I can't go to sleep but I'm tired. Back in Ohio I had similar nights like this all the time. Nights where I couldn't sleep even though I was so tired I felt like crying. I feel like crying now for some reason. I'm not sad, I just want to sleep. 

I wonder if Josh is asleep above me. I wonder if he has trouble sleeping too. I wonder if he misses me beside him. Without thinking, I remove the covers from my body and stand up out of bed. I hesitate briefly before climbing up the ladder leading to Josh's bunk. I quietly crawl into his bed and lay down next to him. I wiggle my legs under the sheets and covers. I hear Josh take a deep breathe and move slightly signaling that I woke him up. I close my eyes in embarrassment. He rolls over and opens his eyes.  
"Hey," He says in a deep voice. He must have really been asleep.  
"Hi," I whisper, "I couldn't sleep...sorry..."  
Josh shakes his head and furrows his brows.  
"It's okay." Josh mumbles. I sigh in relief.  
"Get some sleep," He leans in and kisses my forehead gently. I close my eyes and nuzzle my head into his chest. My entire body relaxes finally. 

I know I shouldn't have to rely on Josh for sleep. I know I shouldn't be sleeping in his bunk or in anyone's bunk other than my own. And I also know I shouldn't want his arms around me every second of every day. I do know that it isn't right, but it's hard to care when it feels so good. I finally have someone that truly cares about my happiness. I'm happy right now. Maybe it's because of how tired I am. Either way, I don't want this to end. I want to feel the way I feel right now for the rest of my life. It sounds impossible when I think about it. I should stop thinking and just go to sleep. 

I open my eyes to see Josh looking at me. He looks away fast.  
"Sorry," He blushes, "you just looked so peaceful."  
I grin at him, "Do you always watch me while I sleep?"  
"No. I swear, I don't," Josh stumbles with his words, "I'm not a creep."  
I giggle and blink slowly. Josh and I have our tired eyes locked with each other's. I can barely keep them open.  
"I'm glad you came to sleep with me," Josh mumbles.  
"Why's that?"  
"Dunno'. I sleep better when you're here."  
"Really?"  
"Yeah," He smiles timidly.  
"So do I," I smile back at him.  
We haven't broken eye contact yet. I close my eyes first and keep them shut for about 10 seconds before opening them again. Josh is still looking at me. He laughs.  
"Stop it," I push his chest and he grabs my hand with his.  
"What time do you think it is?" Josh releases my hand.  
"Don't know. Maybe 1:00, 1:30am."  
Josh nods, "We should sleep."  
"We should-" Josh's lips cut me off. He kisses me hard and grabs either side of my face with hands. Taken aback, I move a bit closer to him. Our mouths move together perfectly in synch. I put my hands against his chest and the kiss deepens. Our tired bodies press against one another's and although we're half asleep I can feel the energy growing stronger between us. My throat feels tight with arousal. Josh suddenly slows the speed of the kiss and the room begins to settle. His lips gradually slow down until they are complete still on mine. He pulls away. We're both breathing quickly and my heart is beating abnormally. Josh smirks as I bite my lip then pout.  
"Goodnight Tyler," Josh says to me calmly, as if none of his previous actions just occurred.  
"Goodnight Josh," I say in a similar tone. 

I notice how shaky my hands are when I pull the covers on top of me. I definitely wasn't expecting a nighttime make out session. Not that I'm complaining or anything. There's a growing tension between Josh and I. I can feel it start to make its way into my belly. My stomach is in nots. I ignore the feeling and close my eyes. I'm tired but have a sudden surge of energy. I can't get into the sleep headspace I was in moments ago. I don't think Josh can either. I do my best to shake it off and get some rest. It is late and I shouldn't be awake wanting Josh's mouth on mine.

I hear Josh's breathing slow down and get heavy. I know he's sleeping now. How could he fall asleep so quickly after what just happened? I guess he could be used to it. I feel a tinge of jealousy at the thought of him kissing, touching, holding someone else. I roll my eyes at myself. I'm exhausted and need a good nights sleep. I shut my eyes tight and finally drift off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im so fucking sorry it's been like three got damn years since ive uploaded smfh. you can beat me up i deserve it. anyways it's my girlfriends birthday today (happy birthday lexi (yes lexi as in lexi in this fic)) and so i just had to update for her. anyways, enjoy this my sweets and have a good week.


	19. Touch

Hot water coats my skin and begins to soak my hair. Steam arises from the hot water splashing against the floor. I stand in the stream of water for a few moments before shampooing and conditioning my hair. I let the water wash away the soapy suds, keeping my eyes squeezed shut.  
Josh is in the shower next to me. We agreed it would be quicker if we showered at the same time. I was hesitant at first but eventually gave in to the new idea. I usually take long showers when I'm at home but there's a short shower policy while staying in the dorms. I don't follow that rule very well though. I hear the squeak of a faucet and the sound of shower water stop. Josh must be finished. I continue washing my shoulders and arms.

Eventually I deem myself clean enough to exit the shower. I grab the towel hanging from outside of the curtain and dry myself the best I can. I wrap the towel around my waist and pull the curtain. Cold air hits my skin. A warm fog floats out of the shower and disappears. I notice Josh at the mirror a few steps away shaving his face. He's still got a towel around his waist, too.

"Hi," I saw awkwardly. I cross my arms over my chest.  
 "Oh hey," Josh looks away from the mirror to greet me and continues shaving. He doesn't seem phased by us both being half naked in a room alone together.  
 "You take really long showers," Josh runs his razor underwater and taps it against the sink before beginning to shave the other side of his face.  
 "Yeah, well. I really like showers."  
 "I can tell," He smiles.

I stand in place watching Josh shave. His back and shoulders still have drops of water on them and I want to walk over to him and dry him off. I don't move.   
"You didn't dry off all the way," I blurt out. Josh dries off his face with a small towel and turns to face me. I look down at his stomach. His hips are defined by two sharp lines. I let out a breath that I didn't know I was holding and look back up to his face. "Bad habit," He replies and smirks at my flushed face. I finally move from the spot I'd been since I got out of the shower. I walk until I'm a few feet away from Josh then I stop in place.   
"I should-get dressed," I stutter. I smile awkwardly and walk past Josh.   
"I'll be in there in a sec," He raises his voice behind me.

I open our dorm door and close it in a hurry. I let out a sigh and put my hand over my face. I was such an idiot back there. I was trying my hardest to keep my eyes off of Josh's body. My face is burning up. I get dressed quickly. I'm fully clothed just before Josh walks in. He's got briefs on and a towel over his shoulder. I sit down on my bunk and look at my phone while he gets dressed. I have 3 missed calls from my mother. I have to call her today.  
When Josh is dressed he sits down next to me.   
"Hey," He says softly.   
"Hi," I lock my phone and set it beside me. "You good?" Josh asks me concerned.  
 "I'm fine," I answer. I'm not being completely honest with him and he knows. "What's on your mind then?" He looks genuinely worried.   
"Nothing, really. I'm just a little nervous about calling my mother today."   
"Why are you nervous," Josh's face drains of color, "you aren't gunna tell her about us are you?"  
 "No!" I raise my voice a bit to ease Josh's concern for me. "No. I just want everything to go well is all. I'm not ready to tell her...or anyone really," I pout.  
"That's alright," Josh squeezes my knee and gives me an understanding smile.  
Class starts soon but I don’t want to go. I enjoyed my weekend alone with Josh. I don’t want to return to normalcy. I don’t want to hide my relationship with Josh from complete strangers nor do I want him to hide it. I feel guilty for making him keep us a secret. I wish it wasn’t like this. I wish I had a family as accepting as Josh’s. 

“You’ve got that look on your face again,” Josh interrupts my thoughts.   
“What look?” I ask him.   
“That stressed out look you get when you think too much. What are you thinking about?”   
I just shake my head and stand up, “I gotta get to class,” I tell Josh.  
 “You don’t have to run from me, Ty!” I throw my bag over my shoulder and reach for the door knob. 

Before I can even step one foot out of the room, Josh presses his palm against the door, closing it. He turns me around by my shoulders to face him, letting my bag slide down my arm and onto the floor.   
“No goodbye kiss?” Josh says in a deep monotone voice. I open my mouth in shock. The mood of the room changed so quickly I lost track of time.  
 I lean in and give Josh a small peck on the lips shyly. I try to turn around once again but Josh puts his forearm on my chest, stopping me in place.  
 He shakes his head, “Not good enough.”   
I open my mouth to speak but, as I expected, am cut off by Josh’s mouth being slammed against mine in the most seductive manner. I gasp which only deepens the kiss more. My heart rate is accelerating at an incredible speed. My lips fit into Josh’s like a puzzle piece. Josh removes his arm from my chest. He wraps his fingers around the back of my neck and angles my head upward in order for our mouths to be closer. My arms, frozen by my side, feel numb. I attempt to raise them to touch Josh in some way or another but he grabs my wrists before I can. He slams them against the door above my head. I whine hopelessly, unable to put my hands on Josh. He keeps my arms pinned above me while he continues to kiss me furiously. 

In one quick motion, Josh removes his left hand from the grasp on my wrist. He grabs both of my wrists with one hand, holding them tightly. I try to wiggle free but am unable to. He’s obviously stronger than me and I’m already weakened by his lips.  
 Josh places his hand under my jaw. The kiss hasn’t lost its speed yet. My body is pressed against the door and I can’t move anything other than my mouth and tongue. Josh makes sure of that. He abruptly detaches our lips. Without hesitation he begins to nibble softly on the skin above my collarbone. He then starts sucking on my neck. He doesn’t loosen the hold on my wrists. I bit my lip, muffling a moan. He continues bruising my neck with his mouth. I keep my eyes closed. I do my best to stay quiet. Josh trails his lips up and across my throat. I feel his nose ring brush against my neck. He positions his mouth right under the left side of my jaw, sucking another purple mark into my skin. He hums in satisfaction. 

Josh finally reattaches our lips. He removes his hand from my neck and takes one of my wrists from his other hand. My hands start to feel sore under his grasp but I don't mind. I also don't care that I'm probably going to be late for class. As if Josh had read my mind, he hastily pulls away from the kiss. I take a deep breath. I've been out of breath for so long I've nearly forgotten how to breathe. My arms stay pressed against the door while I stare into Josh's eyes trying to determine his next move. He only smiles and frees my wrists, taking a step back. My arms drop to my sides and I stumble backwards. He picks up my bag from off of the ground and hands it to me. Puzzled, I grab the book bag with my weak arms. 

"Have a nice day," Josh says cheerfully. He walks over to my bunk and plops down on his back. He unblocks his phone as if nothing happened. I stand in place still attempting to catch my breath. After a few moments of standing by the door in shock, I exit the room without another word. 

I pause outside of our dorm. I don't understand what just happened. I shake my head and keep walking. Once I get outside I begin to speed walk to my first class. I've missed breakfast. Darn it. My head is spinning but not from hunger. I'm so confused. I think Josh's intention was to confuse me. It definitely worked. All during my walk to class I think about Josh and what is going through his mind right at this very second. I don't know how I'll be able to concentrate on college today.

I enter the classroom and find my seat just in time. I run my fingers through my damp hair and try to fix it. I know it's messed up. How could it not be? It doesn't matter. The lecture starts almost immediately and I do my very best to follow along. I look down at my wrists to see the marks that Josh's fingertips imprinted on me haven't faded yet. I feel my face get hot. I start thinking about the events that went down in our dorm this morning. I wiggle in my seat and try even harder to concentrate on my professor's words. It's impossible.

I go to the bathroom during my break between classes to fix my unruly hair but my hair isn't the problem. There are purple-ish pink marks scattered across my neck. I gasp. I lean in closer towards the mirror to examine the bruises Josh left on my skin. I exhale a deep breathe and back away from the mirror. How will I cover these up? I already know people saw them. The bathroom door opens, scaring me out of thought. I scurry out as quickly as possible trying to avoid eye contact with the boy who just walked in. I pace to my next class with my head down. 

~

The day passes slowly. I managed to somewhat pay attention in each of my classes. I purposely walk lazily to the dorms. I know I'll have to call my mother sometime today and I'm dreading it. I shouldn't think so negatively about a phone call. 

When I unlock the door to our dorm I cross my fingers hoping that Josh is already inside. Sadly, he is not. I put my backpack in its usual spot. I remind myself that I have an essay due tomorrow. I'll have to work on it after I call my mother. I take my phone out of my pocket. I have a new text message from Josh.

'ill be running a little late. have to stay late to talk to my professor :/'

I frown. I guess now is as good time as any to go ahead and call my mother. She must be worried sick about me. This college thing really has drifted us apart. This Josh thing has too. I can't think about Josh right now. My relationship with him doesn't exist until after I hang up the phone. I make myself comfortable on my bunk and dial my mothers number. It rings once...twice....

"Tyler Robert!" My mother's voice pierces my ear.

"Hi mother." 

"I thought you'd never call me back. I thought you had gotten yourself into some kind of trouble."

"No trouble. Just been busy is all."

"I understand that. How have you been?"

"Really good." 

"That's good to hear. Your father and I miss you, we really do."

"I miss you too, mother."

"We want you to come visit sometime in the spring. Would you be okay with that?"

"Oh... Yeah sure. I'd love that."

"Great! Now, I know this may sound strange but we were thinking your friend Josh could come as well. We'd pay for his flight and everything."

"Josh? Come home with me?" I ask in confusion. Why do they want Josh to come with me?

"Just for the weekend. We want to meet him. He's going to be your roommate for a long time, Tyler."

"Yeah but-"

"Why don't you ask him what he thinks. Is he there with you now?"

"No he's-"

"Well when you see him tell him that we'd love to meet him and that he's welcome to come with you to visit us for the weekend."

"Okay. I'll ask him if he'd want to come I guess..."

"Great! Now tell me about your classes..."

The conversation changes quickly and we discuss a lot of things. She wanted to know every detail about college and my classes. I didn't mind telling her any of it as long as Josh wasn't mentioned. I let her gossip to me like she used to every day after High School. It started to feel like old times right before Josh entered the room. I hear him drop his backpack next to mine and set his phone on the dresser. He walks over to my bunk and begins to speak. I put my finger to my mouth to silence him. He smirks and nods. 

"What do you think about the cabinets above the sink? Should we repaint them or just get new countertops?" My mother asks me. 

"Ummmmm well," Josh takes his shoes off and quietly climbs into bed beside me, "which is more expensive?"

"The counters definitely. But..." My mother continues to ramble on about the budget of new appliances. Josh wraps his arm around me and pulls me closer to him. 

"What does dad thin-" Josh begins to nibble on the ear that's not pressed against my phone. I slap his arm and he laughs but doesn't stop. He sucks lightly on the skin below my ear. I dig my fingernails into his shoulder. 

I hear my mother speaking but am unable to listen to what she's actually saying. Every once in a while I'll reply with "Yeah" or "Mhm" to give off the impression I'm paying attention to her. Josh kisses up my jaw to my cheek. His fingertips brush against my skin lightly. Shivers run up and down my body. I cover my mouth with my free hand to prevent any unwanted noises from escaping. 

Josh presses his lips against my neck the way he did this morning. I bite my lip and tangle my fingers in his hair. Once he starts sucking I pull his head by his hair away from my throat. He winces. 

"Um, mother, I have to go- I have some work to do but I'll call you later, okay?" 

"Okay, Tyler. I love y-" I hang up before she can even get the sentence out. 

"You!" I scream at Josh and throw my phone against the bed.  
"Hey," Josh says nonchalantly.  
"You can't just do that! Not when I'm on the phone with my mother!" Josh smiles.  
"It's not funny!"  
"I'm sorry," Josh raises his hands in the air.  
"And you can't do what you did this morning either. My neck," I show him the bruise marks, "everyone saw them. What if someone who knows my parents sees me? What if they tell them?"  
"Don't worry. I doubt anyone who knows your parents will see you. They'll fade in a few days."  
"A few days!"  
"Yes! A few days! Have you never gotten a hickey before?"  
"No! I haven't!"  
"Well okay! Now you have!"  
"Ugh!"  
Josh giggles at me. I cross me arms and glare at him.  
"Aw. You're not mad are you?"  
"I am mad." I tell Josh sternly. He mocks my pout and scoots over next to me.  
"What if my mother heard us. She would have never let it go."  
"I'm sorry baby. I just missed you," Josh rubs my back soothingly. My hurt flutters at the word 'baby'. No. I'm not going to let Josh charm his way out of this.  
"Forgive me?" Josh asks softly.  
I look at him then look away quickly.  
"Pleeease?" He draws out the word dramatically.  
I keep my arms crossed, "Maybe."  
Josh places his hand under my chin and kisses me on the lips gently, "I really am sorry," he says kindly.  
"Okay I forgive you," I give in.  
"Really? That's it?"  
"Yes." Josh grins.  
"But I mean it. No more heavy make out sessions before class. I could barely concentrate today."  
"I love heavy make out sessions before class though," Josh smirks.  
"Sorry. We'll have to postpone those until after."  
"Okay, okay." He agrees. 

~

Josh did a good job letting me concentrate while I worked on my essay. Well, at first he did. 

He let me sit in between his legs while I typed, giving me pointers and helping me out when I needed him to. He rested his head on my shoulder. I didn't have much of the essay left to finish when I started but I had to fix some things. Halfway through proof reading it, Josh lightly kissed my neck. I held back a smile and continued to read. That's when he wrapped his arms around my waist from behind, keeping his head on my shoulder. I keep reading, acting like I'm unbothered by his obviously distracting gestures. He kissed my neck a few more times while I worked. The room stayed silent. I eventually closed my laptop and pushed it away from me. I lean back onto Josh and sigh. 

 

"You have no self control whatsoever."  
"I know it. I'm bad," He kisses my neck again and I tilt my head backwards.  
"I can't keep my hands off of you," Josh squeezes me in his arms.  
"Yeah, you gotta work on that. My mother told me today she wants you to come home with me in the spring. My parents want to meet you."  
"Meet me? Why?"  
"Because you're my roommate. Because they think you're a close friend."  
"Close friend, huh?" He moves his head to the other side of my neck and plants yet another soft kiss on my skin.  
"Yes," I giggle, "if you go you'll have to act like a friend and nothing more. No heavy make out sessions. No hickey's. No neck kisses. Nothing."  
"Dammit. I don't know if I can do that. When do they want us to come?"  
"Sometime in the spring. Only for a weekend."  
"Yeah. I'll go." Josh says.  
"Really?"  
"Sure, why not."  
"Okay."  
"Where will I sleep? With you?"  
"There's a guest room upstairs right across from my room. You'll steep there." I tell him and he groans.  
"Alright."  
"I can't believe you agreed to go," I smile and turn my head to look at Josh behind me.  
"Why wouldn't I?" Josh asks.  
"Because pretending to be my friend for a whole weekend doesn't sound very appealing."  
"I think it'll be fun. It's like a challenge."  
"A challenge? How?"  
"I have to pretend to be your friend for a whole weekend. That's a challenge. You said it yourself, no make out sessions."  
"I think you'll be able to pull it off." I laugh.  
"We'll see." Josh flips me around and pushes his lips into mine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ayyy another chapter for you loves. thank you for all the kind comments i read every single one of them. if you ever want to talk one on one my twitter is @tylerjozeph! have a good weekend love you guys hope this chapter is okay??? okay.


	20. Space

It's Thursday morning and it's raining in California. I'm used to it due to the fact it rains often in Columbus. Josh however, is not so used to it. I used to hate the weather in Ohio and couldn't wait for the change of weather in California. Now that I'm here, I miss the cold.

"It's raining? What the hell?" Josh says as we exit the dorm building.  
"I love the rain," I hold out my hand and let the cold droplets hit my skin.  
"I've lived in California all of my life and it's probably only rained 30 times. Ever."  
"It rains all the time in Ohio," I walk beside Josh towards the cafeteria.  
"Speaking of Ohio, did you tell your mom I'd come visit with you?"  
"Yes. She was so excited, too."  
"What if your parents hate me?" Josh asks nervously.  
"They won't hate you," I tell him.  
"How do you know for sure?"  
"Because I like you."

We enter the cafeteria together. Josh shakes his head and runs his fingers through his hair.  
"My hair is fucking wet."  
"Shhh. Language," I scold him.  
"Sorry mom," He smiles. 

We eat as quickly as possible. We were running late because we both slept in. We've made it a bad habit to stay up late talking every night. We always end up falling asleep mid conversation. I enjoy it though. I don't even mind that waking up is difficult because I didn't get a good nights sleep. 

"I miss you during the day," Josh whispers to be from across the table, "it sucks that we don't have any classes together.  
I nod, "It's for the best I think. I wouldn't be able to concentrate with you in the same room with me all class period."  
"You're right. I wouldn't either." 

"Meet me in the bathroom," Josh says and stands up. He carries his empty bowl of cereal away from me and the table. I know I shouldn't follow him but I do it anyways. I stand up and put my bowl away. I walk to the men's restroom located in the corner of the cafeteria and open the door. Josh pulls me inside me my shirt.  
"Wha-" Josh kisses me, catching me completely off guard. I put my hands on his chest in surprise.  
"Josh!" I whisper and push him away after he stops kissing me.  
"Sorry! I couldn't help it!"  
"What if someone walked in?"  
"That'd be kinda hot. Caught in the act," Josh smiles.  
"Not funny," I turn around.  
"Hey," He grabs my arm turns me back around, "I'm driving you crazy aren't I? I never leave you alone."  
"No I-"  
"I can't help myself when I'm with you, Tyler. I'm addicted to you. In all honesty, you drive me crazy, too. In the best way possible," Josh lowers his voice. My face gets warm.  
"Sorry," I apologize shyly.  
"Don't apologize," Josh shakes his head.  
"I don't mind, when you kiss me, I don't-it doesn't drive me crazy when you kiss me. I mean- not in a bad way or whatever," I stutter.  
"That's good," Josh rubs my cheek with his thumb and takes a step towards me.  
"I'll see you after class," His lips replace his thumb on my face and he gives me a quick kiss before exiting the bathroom. 

~

'hi'

'Hey what's up'

'the professor in this class is out sick again and we have a free day do just do whatever'

'Nice. U miss me?'

'ya'

'It's the last class of the day I'll see you soon. I actually get out early today.'

'really? why?'

'Exams :p'

'what are you doing right now?'

'Texting u'

'i mean in class doofus'

'Oh. Im supposed to be writing down notes'

'so why aren't you?'

'Bc u texted me'

'you should be writing down notes'

'I don't care about the damn notes'

'you are going to flunk out of college'

'And you will be the reason I do'

'fair enough'

'Hey'

'what'

'I miss u :('

'we are too dependent on each other'

'That is true however I think I would be able to last longer without you than you would without me'

'that's funny'

'Why?'

'you pulled me into a bathroom today to kiss me before class'

'So? I could stop kissing you whenever I wanted to'

'that sounds like a challenge' 

Before I could read Josh's reply, Mikey approaches my desk. I lock my phone immediately and look up.  
"Hey," He says calmly.  
"Hi."  
"How have you been?"  
"Good. You?"  
"Good. So I was thinking maybe we could hang out sometime. Tomorrow there's this party-"  
"Actually, um, I have this thing tomorrow," I'm a terrible liar.  
"Another time?"  
"Um," I look down at my phone.  
"You're with that Josh guy aren't you?" he says rather loudly. I girl in the row in front of me glances back at us.  
"What do you mean..."  
"You're fucking him?"  
"I'm not-"  
"You are," He says annoyed, "that's why you blew me off at the party."  
"No, that's not what happened," I say cautiously.  
"You don't have to lie to me. I'm not an idiot."  
I feel my throat tighten. He's being loud, too loud. I know everyone is silently ease dropping on our conversation and I want to sprint out of this room and never come back.  
"I didn't mean to upset you."  
"Yeah, whatever it's fine," he rolls his eyes and returns to his desk. 

I sit still in my seat with a frown on my face until the bell rings. I feel bad for leading Mikey on. I feel anxious that there are people who may know about my relationship with Josh. The rain brought bad luck with it. 

I have a few new texts from Josh. The last one says that he's already back in our dorm. I put my hoodie over my head and walk in the gloomy rain back to the dormitory. 

When I'm outside the door to our dorm I attempt to put myself in a better mood. I enter the room and set my bag down.  
"There you are," Josh greets me happily.  
"Hey," I say quietly.  
His face immediately changes. He stands up from his laying position on my bunk.  
"What's the matter?" How did he know I was upset? I take a deep breath trying to calm my nerves but it doesn't do much good. I take a step towards him and wrap my arms around his torso. I snuggle my head into his chest and sigh. He puts his arms around me.  
"I'm scared."  
"What happened?"  
"I talked to Mikey."  
"What the fuck did he do?" He tightens his grip around me.  
"He knows we're together. Everyone in that class knows."  
"How?"  
"He wanted to hang out but I made and excuse. He asked if we were-together. Everyone heard."  
"I doubt anyone cares or would tell someone associated with your parents, Tyler," Josh soothes.  
"What if Mikey tells everyone? He acted mad," I back away from the hug but Josh keeps his arms on my shoulders.  
"He won't."  
"How do you know for sure?"  
"Because I know," He assures me.  
I feel better. 

~

"Did you get my texts?" Josh asks on our way home from dinner.  
"Which texts?"  
He smiles sillily, "You said we are too reliant on each other. I said you were more reliant on me than I am you, which is correct," I shake my head and he continues, "I say we make it into a competition. No touching for a week. The first person to give in and touch the other person loses."  
I stop walking.  
"You don't think you could do it?"  
"No, I would win. You on the other hand..."  
"Don't worry about me."  
"Okay. It's a challenge then," I start walking again.  
"You won't last a day," Josh whispers cockily. 

We return to our room with full stomachs. I decide it would be best if I called Lexi now. I've been avoiding her for some time and I feel bad about it.  
"If I call her will you behave? No touching remember," I scold Josh.  
"Hey the challenge hasn't started yet," He points out. I glare at him.  
"I'll be good."

I call Lexi. She picks up immediately. I tell her how sorry I am for not returning her calls and texts and tell her how busy I've been. I leave out the Josh part. She tells me she understands. She's been busy too. 

"So how have you been, Tyler? Made any new friends? Found my replacement yet?"

"No, no new friends. But..." I look to Josh and he nods. 

"But..." Lexi mocks me. 

"There's this thing I need to tell you. Me and Josh-"

"Finally." Lexi sighs into the phone. 

"You knew already."

"Yes I knew I'm not a dumb ass."

"Thank goodness."

Lexi knowing about Josh and I is a huge relief. I don't like hiding things from her. We talk for about an hour before she has to go. I'll have to remember to call her on a regular basis.

After I get off of the phone Josh climbs down from his bunk and crawls into mine.  
"Everything went well I assume?" He asks.  
"Yes."  
"That's good," he nods. "So, I'm going out with my friends tomorrow night and wanted to know if you could come. I haven't told them anything about you other than you're my roommate and it can stay that way if you'd like. I want you to meet them, though."  
"Since when have you had friends," I joke.  
"I've always had friends. I haven't told you about them yet because they're kinda, well I don't know."  
"Kinda what?" I turn to face him.  
"Wild I guess would be the best word to describe them."  
"You don't consider yourself wild?"  
"Not as wild as them."  
"So if I go, we're just friends?"  
"Just friends."  
"Okay...okay I'll go."  
"Good. Now," Josh sits up, "about this bet."  
I sit up and face him, "When are we starting?"  
"Now I guess."  
"Now?"  
"Sure. Why not?"  
"What are the terms?"  
"No touching, no kissing, and we sleep in separate beds. One week. No cheating."  
"Okay," I agree, "sounds easy enough."  
"What does the winner get?"  
"The satisfaction of winning."  
"Great."  
"You won't last til Monday."  
"You really think I'll give in first?"  
"Yes. I'm positive," Josh snorts.  
"Yeah, we'll see."  
"One last kiss," Josh tells me and raises his finger into the air. I nod. He leans in and cups my face with his hands. He kisses me softly for a few seconds and pulls away.  
"That's it." 

~

Josh's POV

When I told Tyler I knew he would lose the challenge I was completely bluffing. We're only one hour into it and I already want to call it quits. It was a stupid idea. Of course I'm not going to tell Tyler that. No way am I giving him the satisfaction of knowing I need him more than he needs me. I will suffer through the one week. I'm hoping he caves before me. I'll do whatever it takes to win this. 

I'm studying for a test I don't give a shit about in my own bunk. Tyler is below me. We manage to survive a few hours away from each other everyday but this is 10x harder. Knowing Tyler is in the same room as me and I can't lay a fingertip on him is driving me wild. It has nothing to do with sex or lust. I just want to wrap my arms around him; to kiss him; to run my fingers through his hair. 

I have never wanted someone like I want Tyler. I used to hook up with guys a lot before I met him. But that was just it. A hook up. I never caught feelings for any of them. I haven't touched him in an hour and I fucking miss him. I didn't know this would be so hard. 

I have no idea how I'll be able to make it though a whole week without sleeping with him. I've never slept better than when he's beside me. I lied to him the other night when I said I didn't look at him whilst he sleeps. He often falls asleep before me and I can't help but watch him. The way he falls asleep on my chest is precious. I'll miss that the most. Fuck, I miss him. I need to stop thinking about him. How can I stop when he's right below me? I just want this day to be over. I just want a week to pass already. 

~

"Wanna give up yet?" I ask Tyler from the top bunk.  
"Nope," he yells back. 

Dammit. 

"You sure?"  
"Sounds like you're having a hard time," Tyler says. I can hear the smile in his voice.  
"I'm doing just fine," I lie.  
"Are you tired?"  
"No, just bored."  
"Read a book."  
"I hate books."  
"Watch a movie."  
"Come watch it with me."  
"That's against the rules."  
"We can sit together without touching."  
"You really think that's possible?"  
I don't respond at first. Obviously it'd be difficult not to touch him while sitting right beside him but I thought maybe his presence would at least sooth my discomfort a little.  
"Never mind," I reply and put my hands in my hair. I hear him snort and flip a page. 

I check the time. 7:54pm. I wish I was tired enough to sleep now. I distract myself with my notes.

"What time are we going out tomorrow?" Tyler asks.  
"Maybe around 7."  
"Where are we going?"  
"This really good burger place across town. You'll love it."  
"Will you be drinking?"  
"Not if you don't want me to."  
"Oh, I don't care. Just wanted to know if I'll be driving us back."  
I nod before realizing he can't see me, "Alright."  
"If you aren't, I am."  
"You really think I'm ever gunna let you drink again?"  
"You aren't the boss of me."  
"I'm stronger than you. I will pull the alcohol out of your hands if I have to."  
"Really?"  
"Yes really. As your boyfriend, I am responsible for stopping you from making bad choices."  
"That's in the boyfriend rule book?"  
"Yeah."  
"Oh." 

I hear Tyler giggling under me and can't help but smile. I wish I could see his face right now. 

"How many boyfriends have you had?"  
"Not many," I answer honesty.  
"Like how many?"  
"Maybe 4 or 5. None of them were serious though."  
"Are we serious?"  
"Very."  
"The boyfriends you had, did you love them?"  
"No."  
"Were they cuter than me?"  
"Absolutely not."  
"You are lying."  
"I promise I am not lying."  
"Okay. Have you ever dated a girl?"  
"Never."  
"Do you think girls are pretty though?"  
"Of course."  
"Hm. Who's your favorite actress?"  
"Emma Stone probably."  
"Do you like movies more than books?"  
"Depends on how good the movie or book is."  
"Is it still raining?"  
"Dunno."  
"Do you think it is?"  
"Dunno, Ty. You know, if you wanna quit just climb up here and see me."  
"I'm not quitting."  
"Then why are you asking a million questions."  
"I'm not either."  
"Okay," I giggle.  
"I'm gunna win."  
"How are you so sure?"  
"I've gone 19 years without anyone kissing me I think I can last a week."  
I burst into laughter.  
"It's not that funny," Tyler yells over my laughter.  
"It's kind of hysterical," I admit after calming down.  
"Meanie."  
"We should have added another rule. No touching ourselves either."  
Tyler stays silent.  
"Tyler."  
"Huh."  
"Don't be embarrassed."  
"I'm not. I could last a week. A month probably."  
"You're kidding."  
"No."  
The mood in the room has shifted. The thought of Tyler touching himself has left me semi hard and I regret even bringing it up.  
"You don't-" I take a deep breath, "do it often, do you?"  
"No."  
"Figured," I smirk.  
"What's that supposed to mean?"  
"Nothing."  
"Be honest."  
"It's nothing, Ty. You're just so..."  
"So what?"  
"So...innocent. And tiny."  
"I'm not really."  
"Yeah, yeah you really are. I could pick you up and throw you over my shoulder and you wouldn't be able to do a thing about it."  
"Prove it then."  
"You just want me to touch you. Not gunna work."  
"I have other plans in mind for tomorrow night to get you to cave."  
"I'm sure you do."

The room gets quiet. I can feel the tension forming between Tyler and I even this far away. I really need to go to sleep before the conversation escalates again. The last thing I need right now is to be hard and have no way of relieving myself. I begin to realize how difficult it's going to be to act normal around him when I'm obviously aroused. I'm so easily turned on by him. He could run his fingers through his hair and I'd be hard. He's the devil or an angel or both. Probably both. 

"I should go to sleep," I sigh.  
"Me too," Tyler replies. 

I climb down from my bunk and get my things together to get ready for bed. I leave the room and head to the bathrooms. 

Tyler joins me shortly after. I watch him intently while he washes his face and combs through his hair. He finishes before me and returns to our dorm. I lean over the sink and sigh. This was a huge mistake. I brush my teeth. 

When I open the door to our room Tyler is in nothing but his tight black underwear, leaned over his bed, fixing his sheets. His ass his perfect. Fuck. He did this on purpose. He turns around when I close the door. My eyes fixate on his torso momentarily before he turns back around as if he doesn't know he's half naked in front of me. I thought he would be too shy to pull something like this but apparently I was wrong. I strip down to my underwear as well. I put my clothes in the small hamper beside my bunk.

"Goodnight," I say to Tyler.  
"Night," he replies casually. I can't believe him.  
I climb up to my bed and get as comfortable as possible. I miss Tyler so bad. I want him cuddled up beside me more than anything. I'm not even sure what the point of this challenge was because it wasn't for fun. I'm a miserable man when Tyler's not around. I attempt to close my eyes and sleep. I'm not the least bit tired. I don't think Tyler is either. I force myself to sleep tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow another update!!! :o i just got long ass acrylic nails and writing this was difficult but i did it for you guys. this chapter is kinda eh but the next one is gunna be so good i promise. ok. have a good week.


	21. Without

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *NSFW*  
> Buckle up everyone I know it's been a while.

"Sleep well?" I ask Tyler. I went to the bathroom to get ready and when I came back he was awake. I sit on his bunk next to him. I make sure to keep a safe distance.  
"Yeah. You?"  
"Yeah, thanks," I lie. I slept awful. It was hard falling asleep and I woke up twice in the night. I rolled over both times thinking Tyler was beside me when he wasn't. That messed me up.   
"Why didn't you wake me?"   
"I couldn't think of a good way to wake you up without touching you. Screaming in your face didn't sound like a good idea."  
"Oh yeah," Tyler grins. He yawns, covering his mouth with his hand. I have a feeling he didn't get a good nights rest either.  
"Coffee?" I ask.  
"Hate it."  
"Really?"  
"Yep. Always have."  
"I don't like it either. I only drink it in emergencies."  
He nods, "What is it?"  
"7:30."  
"Great," he groans. He stands up out of bed. He still only has his briefs on. I can't help but watch him walk over to the dresser. I metaphorically curse at myself for staring. 

"I'm excited for tonight," I clear my throat.  
"Why?" Tyler slips a pair of shorts on and joins me on the bed again.   
"Because all my friends get to see how great you are."  
"I'm not that great."   
I roll my eyes at him, "You are."  
"Okay," he smiles. 

~

The day unexpectedly flew by. Before I knew it I was walking back to the dorms. I greet Tyler when I enter our room.   
"How was your day?" I ask as I toss my bag next to his bunk.   
"It was good," he nods, "but..."   
"What happened?" My eyes widen.   
"Mikey," Tyler starts. I'm already mad.  
"All class period long he was looking at me, smirking, rolling his eyes. Then when I got up to leave he- said something."  
"What was it?" Tyler grimaces and wiggles uncomfortable.  
"Tyler, what did he say?"   
"He said that he hopes you and I have a good weekend," he trails off. He takes a deep breathe and continues, "And that we make sure to use protection."  
My entire body ignites in anger. I clench my fists together and hold my breathe. I should go find him and beat the shit out of him right now.   
"That fucking asshole," I say through clenched teeth.   
"It's okay," Tyler says softly.  
"It's not okay. Why is he harassing you? What's his deal with us?"  
"I don't know..."  
"Fuck," I stand up and tug on my hair. I'm more than pissed off.   
"I lead him on. I blew him off at the party. He's probably just upset-"  
"That's not an excuse," I sit back down next to Tyler. I grip the edge of his mattress with my hands until my knuckles turn white.   
"Did you say anything back?"  
"No."  
"Next time he even tries to talk to you, tell him to fuck off."  
"I can't," he whines.  
"I-" I begin to say something before realizing Tyler is on the verge of tears and I'm probably scaring him. I exhale a huge breath and continue, "That's okay. It's going to be okay."   
"I shouldn't have even told you."  
"No, no you should have told me. Are you okay?"  
"I'm fine," he nods.   
"You sure?"  
"Yes."  
"If he says anything else to you will you tell me?"  
"Are you sure that's a good idea?"  
"What do you mean?"  
"I don't know...it seemed to upset you more than it did me."  
"That's not true."  
"You've still got a pretty tight grip on my bed," Tyler looks down at my hands. I let go of the mattress and place my hands on my knees.   
"Whoops," I snort.   
"I think it's sweet of you to get angry over me."  
"Really?"  
"Yeah. It's obvious you care."  
"Of course I care."  
Tyler blushes.   
"Really, are you sure you're okay?"  
"I'm okay. I promise," he assures me.   
"Okay," I sigh. 

"What should I wear tonight?" Tyler asks.   
"What you're wearing now I guess."  
"No way am I wearing this," he looks down at his jeans and T-shirt.  
"Why not?"   
"It's too casual. I should at least attempt to look nice."  
"You do look nice."  
He frowns, "I wanna change."  
"You can wear whatever you want."

It's 3:00pm. I'm trying to stay awake. I could take a short nap but I don't want Tyler thinking I didn't sleep well last night. My eyes sting and I can barely keep them open.   
"You look sleepy," I hear Tyler say next to me.   
"What? No. I'm not."  
"Yeah you are."  
"No I'm not."  
"Yeah you are."  
"Well so are you."  
"No I'm not."  
"Then neither am I."  
"Just go take a nap," he grins.   
"I'm not tired."  
"Yes, yes you are."  
"I'm not taking a nap."  
"Okay. Then fall asleep at dinner tonight."  
"You know what? Fine. I'll go take a nap," I stand up.   
"Sleep well," he waves at me. 

I climb up to my bed and lay down. I set my phone alarm to go off at 4:30pm. I roll over and shut my eyes. I think about how much easier it would be to sleep if I had Tyler in my bed. I fall asleep anyways. 

~

My alarm wakes me up right at 4:30. I groan and turn it off. I stretch my arms above my head and let out a deep breath. I feel a bit more rested. I climb down the ladder. 

"Hey-" I begin to speak before seeing that Tyler is sound asleep in his bunk. I can't help but smile at him. I sit down at the edge of his bed. His chest rises and falls slowly. I look at his eyelashes pressed against his cheeks. He looks so damn perfect like this. I could easily caress his face while he's sleeping and he would never know. He's a heavy sleeper. I stop myself from touching him. I just watch him sleep. I can't believe I have to wait 6 more days before I can touch him again. Before I can kiss him and hug him again. It'll be another 6 days before I get a good nights sleep. Another 6 days of loneliness. I'm a dumbass for even suggesting this challenge. 

Suddenly Tyler takes a deep breath and stretches his arms out beside him.  
"Josh," he sighs quietly.  
"I'm here," I coo. His eyes stay closed. I wait for him to open them but he never does. My heart flutters in my chest when I realize he's still asleep. He said my name while he was sleeping. Fuck. I nearly faint from the fondness that washes over me. I desire holding him in my arms while he sleeps right now. I can't and it's driving me crazy. 

I stand up and leave the room. I go to the bathrooms. I wash my hands slowly after using the restroom. I'm giving myself extra time so I don't have to go back to that dorm and have Tyler torture me while he sleeps. There's no good way to wake him up without putting my hands on him. I leave the bathroom and enter our room. I slam the door behind me in attempt to wake Tyler. It worked. He hums and stretches, slowly opening his eyes as I sit down next to him.   
"Hi," I whisper.   
"Hi."  
"Sleep well?"  
"Yes."  
"Good."  
"Did you?"  
"Yes."  
"Good."  
"You said you weren't tired," I raise my eyebrows at him. He smiles shyly.  
"I fell asleep."  
"Yeah, obviously."  
"What time is it?" Tyler sits up in bed and stretches.   
"Almost 5." He nods.   
"I'm hungry."  
"Can you wait an hour and a half?"  
"I guess so," he sighs dramatically.  
"It'll be worth it. I promise."

"How many of your friends will be there tonight?"  
"5 or 6."  
"What are they like?"  
"They're fun. But nice. And kinda loud. But really friendly."   
"Okay. Do they know I'm coming?"  
"Yes and they're excited to meet you."  
"Okay," he plays with his fingers anxiously.   
"You'll be fine. They don't bite. Okay?"  
"Okay."   
"And if you ever wanna leave or you get tired or whatever, we'll go."  
"Thanks."  
"Mmhm."

We talk for about an hour before Tyler starts getting ready. He showers and blow dries his hair. I watch him comb it into the perfect quiff. He searches through his wardrobe for something acceptable to wear.   
"I have nothing to wear," he groans as he digs through his drawers.   
"You have double the amount of clothes I own. There's gotta be something in there you'll wear."  
"It's all ugly. I need to go shopping."  
"We can go tomorrow but for now just pick something."  
He huffs and takes a pair of lighter colored jeans with rips in the knees from the bottom of his drawer. He digs around for a T-shirt. He chooses a plain black one. 

He gets dressed quickly in front of me.   
"How do I look?"  
"Amazing. Like always."  
He blushes. "Thanks"  
"Are you still nervous?"  
"A little."  
"I'll be with you the whole time," I begin to walk towards him but stop in place. No touching. Dammit. 

I stay in my outfit from today. Black jeans and a black T-shirt and a backwards SnapBack. I'm a lot more casual than Tyler obviously. I get a text from Clare. 

'We're all heading there now'

'gotcha'

"Ty?"   
"Huh" he looks up from his phone.   
"Ready?"  
"Yes."  
"Let's go." 

Tyler and I walk side by side to my car in the lot by the dorms. I open the passenger door for him. He smiles and climbs in. I start my car and turn on the radio and air conditioning.   
"What kind of music do you like?" I ask as I begin driving towards our destination.  
"I'm not sure. I listen to everything. Except country."  
"Me too. I hate country."  
"It really is awful."  
"It is," I smile. 

"Do you know how many people are coming?"  
"6, I think."  
"How did you meet them?"  
"I met some of them through school, some of them through mutual friends, some of them-"  
"You can tell me when I meet them I guess."  
"Good idea."

 

About 15 minutes of driving until I see the familiar restaurant sign on the side of the road and pull into the parking lot.   
"I haven't been here in so long," I tell Tyler, parking my car in front of the building. I turn the car off and put my keys in my pocket. Tyler looks absolutely terrified. I know he needs my touch right now. I'm selfish for not giving in and wrapping my arms around him.   
"You okay, babe?" I lift my arm and place it near Tyler's thigh.   
"It's just a little anxiety. I'll be fine when I get in there," he smiles nervously. I nod and return the smile. Tyler steps out of the car before I do. I take a deep breathe and follow him to the entrance.   
I open the door for him. "In we go."

"Joshua Dun!" A familiar voice rings out before I'm even able to take in my surroundings.   
"Heather, hello," I grin as she runs into my arms and squeezes so tight it takes my breath away.  
"Fuck! It's been so long since I've seen you," she releases her hold on me and tucks a long strand of light brown hair behind her ear. "Who's this?" she smirks and tilts her head, eyeing Tyler.  
"Oh. This is Tyler," I motion for him to step forward. He still looks petrified. "He's my roommate."  
"This is the one and only Tyler?" Heather opens her mouth dramatically.   
"Yes. This is him. Tyler, this is Heather. She's a friend from High School."  
"Hi," Tyler says in a barely audible voice. He waves and smiles awkwardly.   
"Nice to meet you, Tyler. Glad you could make it." Heather puts her hand on her hip. "Let's join the rest of the gang." She begins walking to the back of the restaurant. I nod to Tyler and begin walking beside Heather.   
"What a twink," she whispers to me while we walk.   
"We're just friends," I tell her, keeping my promise to Tyler. 

There's a large circle booth located at the back of the restaurant that's meant for occasions just like this one. As we approach the booth, my group of friends look up at us, all wearing grins on their faces.   
"Josh!"  
"Hey!"  
"Finally"  
Their voices ring out. Some of them already have drinks in front of them.   
"Hey guys." I slide in the red leather booth. Tyler sits next to me but keeps his distance.   
"This is my roommate, Tyler, I dragged him along with me tonight."  
"Hey Tyler," Clare greets him politely, "I'm Clare. This is Evan, Pete, Jules, and my girlfriend Becky. I also dragged her along with me tonight."  
"Hi," Tyler says shyly. He's so nervous. I can tell.   
"Good to meet you, Tyler," Pete leans across the table to shake his hand. I watch as Tyler softly grasps Pete's hand and shakes it.   
"You guys hungry?" Heather asks. She takes a sip of her beer and picks up a menu from the table. Everyone talks amongst themselves as they decide what they want to eat.   
"You hungry?" I ask Tyler.   
"No."  
"Yes you are. You said you were hungry an hour ago," he glares at me. "You gotta eat something." I open a menu and spread it out for the both of us to look at.   
"The burgers here are superb," I tap my finger against the plastic, showing Tyler the different types of burgers. "Lots to choose from." His eyes scan across the menu.  
"Josh," Clare taps my shoulder. She leans in close to me and whispers in my ear. "Is he okay?" she glances in Tyler's direction.   
"He's fine," I lower my voice, "just a little nervous."  
"He acts like he's awaiting a death sentence." I hold back a smile.

"Find something?" I ask Tyler. He nods, pointing to the small print on the menu. "A cheese burger? That's it?"  
"Yes. That's it."  
"Okay." I giggle. "You don't really like branching out when you eat, do you?"   
"What do you mean?"  
"At breakfast you eat Cheerios every morning. You'll only eat cheese pizza. You get the same sandwich-"  
"Are you calling me boring?"  
"No! You aren't boring, you're just...particular."  
"About what exactly?"  
"Everything." he frowns. "It's not a bad thing." 

A waitress tends to us shortly after we get situated. She takes each of our orders on a small note pad, double checking our requests before swiftly walking away from our table. Tyler and I both order waters. I decide not to drink tonight. 

Tyler's nerves begin to settle and he acts more comfortable as the night goes on. He makes conversation with each of my friends and he gets to know them all very well. 

"So you wanna wanna be some kind of teacher, huh?" Pete asks Tyler while we wait for our food to arrive.   
"Maybe... I dunno yet."  
"That's okay. You're only," he looks at me for guidance.  
"19."  
"Yeah, see. You've got plenty of time to figure it out."  
"So are you seeing anyone?" Evan asks humorously from the other side of the table.   
"Um, no." Tyler answers quietly. "I'm focusing on school right now."  
"Yeah," I look at Tyler, "we both are."  
"Are you still screwing that Jesse guy, Josh?" Evan snickers. Everyone snorts and holds back their laughter.   
"No. I'm not actually." I roll my eyes at their immaturity.   
"Damn. He was one of your longer lasting hook ups wasn't he?" Heather joins in the conversation.   
"Yeah I guess." I say annoyed. I glance at Tyler and see his face begin to redden. "What about you guys? Still as lonely as ever?"  
Clare puts her arm around Becky and rests her head on her shoulder. I look to the others. Their smiles fade.   
"I'm still single. I like it that way though," Jules takes a swing of her beer and sets it back on the table dramatically.   
"Last weekend, at that bar a mile west of Stanford, you know the one," everyone nods, "There was a new bartender. Huge jock. Total top. He asked for my number but I'm not really into giving out my number you know." Evan narrates.  
"Get on with it. Did you fuck?" Pete asks.   
"Yes. And it was great. That's it."  
"Great story," I say sarcastically, "where's our god damn food?" I tap my fingers against the table.

"Josh, I really am curious on what happened between you and Jesse. Care to elaborate?" Evan puts his elbow on the table and rests his chin in his hand.   
"I ended it. That's what happened." I take a sip of my water.   
"Why though?"  
"Because I didn't want to fuck him anymore. It wasn't serious, he wasn't my boyfriend or anything."  
"But you said sex with him was the best-"  
"I ended it!" I raise my voice. My heart begins to beat faster out of anger and I want to knock Evan out. I know Tyler is overwhelmingly uncomfortable right now and I want nothing more than to apologize on the behalf of Evan. I don't know why he's being such an asshole.  
"Moving on," Jules eyes me and gives me a sorry smile. She nudges Evan with her shoulder and he glares at her.   
I look at Tyler and whisper, "Sorry." He nods. The conversation shifts to something else but I don't join in. I keep my eyes on Tyler. Every once in a while we make eye contact and he smiles shyly before looking away. I wish I could put my arm around him. 

The waitress finally returns with our plates of food. I sigh in relief. Everyone orders a second round of beers. I take a bite of a fry and close my eyes, savoring the flavor. Tyler carefully slices his burger in half and takes a bite. I look at him for his approval.  
"Really good," he hums after swallowing.  
"I told you," I begin eating my burger. 

"You know what's funny?" Clare starts, "we've all been here together a million times and we've never had dessert."  
"I didn't even know they had dessert here," Pete says.   
"Every restaurant has dessert dumbass."  
"Who're you calling a dumbass, dumbass?" Pete threatens jokingly.  
"Guys, guys. Not so early in the night. We haven't even finished our meals yet," I interject. Tyler giggles quietly.  
"We always eat so much we don't have room for dessert," Jules says.   
"That's true," Clare agrees. Everyone nods and continues eating. 

"Hey Ty," I wipe my hands on a napkin. I've only eaten half of my burger and I'm already starting to feel full.   
"Hm?"   
"We can leave when you're done eating if you want," I let him know.   
"If you want to stay and talk then we should stay."  
"Are you sure?" I ruffle my brows.   
"Yes," he nods. He takes another bite out of his burger. I watch him chew it.   
He looks at me, "Stop staring at me."   
"Sorry," I smirk and eat my fries in silence. 

"So Tyler, where are you from?" Heather asks him. I look to him and wait for his response. He clears his throat.   
"Columbus, Ohio," he smiles, rubbing his napkin between his fingers nervously.   
"Wow. Quite a change from Ohio to California."  
"I'm getting used to it. Josh helps," I nod.   
"Josh? Helping someone? He must really like you," Heather raises her eyebrows then winks at Tyler. He blushes. I only smile knowing the real truth to Heather's words.   
"So you like it here?" Heather continues the conversation.  
"I do," Tyler nods.   
"He misses the rain," I speak up.   
"Who would miss rain?" Evan rolls his eyes.  
"Me," Tyler answers swiftly. He takes a fry between his teeth.  
"It was a rhetorical question," Evan snaps back.  
"Well now you have an answer to your rhetorical question-"  
"Okay," I interrupt Tyler, "we should probably get going." I rub my thighs nervously. The tone in Evan's voice made me uncomfortable. I want to get out of here before further tension rises.   
"Why?" Tyler turns to me.  
"Are you done eating?"  
"Yes but-"  
"Then let's go."  
"I don't wanna go yet."  
"Why do you want to stay?"  
"Why not?"  
I don't answer. Everyone is staring at the two of us.   
"I'm gunna go to the bathroom. Tyler?" I give him a stern look. He slides out of the booth to let me out then follows me towards the bathroom.

"What's going on?" Tyler crosses his arms.  
"Me and Evan," I scratch the back of my head awkwardly, "used to kinda be a thing." I admit. His face gets white.   
"And you didn't think to tell me this before I, your current boyfriend, had dinner with him?" He paces nervously.   
"Fuck, I know. I honestly didn't think he'd be here."   
"He hates me," Tyler shakes his head.   
"He doesn't hate you, Tyler. He's probably just jealous." I assure him. "I wanted to leave because I didn't want him saying something that'd upset you."  
"We aren't leaving," he tells me.   
"Why do you want to stay?"  
"I'm not gunna let him ruin the night."  
"The night isn't ruined. Just cut a little short."  
"I'm staying." Tyler takes a step backwards before turing around and leaving me alone in the bathroom. I sigh at his stubbornness. 

We join everyone back at the table again.   
"Dessert anyone?" I ask after getting seated. Tyler stands up and leans across the table to pick up the small menu with dessert choices on it, his ass uncomfortably close to my face. I cough and he sits back down. He opens the menu and browses the many types of desserts.  
"Really?" I ask him.   
"I want a piece of cherry pie. With extra whipped cream," Tyler smiles. He strangely seems in a good mood and there's almost a cocky tone to his voice. 

The waitress returns to our table and Tyler orders a piece of pie, with extra whipped cream, and a cherry on top. A few others decide to get a small dessert as well. It doesn't take long for the sweets to arrive to our table. Tyler grins at his rather large piece of pie. He dips his finger into the cream topping it and sucks it off in the most devilishly sexy way. I watch him do it, and regret it. His mouth makes a popping noise when he removes his wet finger.   
"Yum," he hums and picks up a fork, setting the cherry aside for later. I hear my friends chattering about something but I'm unable to pay attention. I'm watching Tyler devour his pie. I know people see me staring, I don't care. 

I remember the afternoon when I rubbed over Tyler's lips with my fingers. Looking at his lips now, stained red from cherries, I wish I could do it again but replace my fingers with my-  
"Want a bite?" Tyler lifts his fork. My eyes move from his lips to the bite of pie.   
"Uh, no. Thanks," I stutter over my words.   
"You sure? It's really good," he puts the pie in his mouth and moans at the supposed flavor. "It's so good, Josh. C'mon one bite."   
"Not a fan of pie," I lie.  
"Everyone loves pie." he picks up the cherry and wraps his lips around it. He closes his eyes before taking the cherry into his mouth, chewing it, and swallowing.   
"I know what you're doing and it's not gunna work," I whisper to Tyler. I wiggle in my seat. I'm starting to get hard.  
"What am I doing?" he pouts. I snort and shake my head. I've completely blocked out my surroundings and my only focus is Tyler and my hardening dick.   
"You know what you're doing," I tell him.   
"But I don't."  
"I will drag you out of this restaurant and-"  
"And what?" Tyler cuts me off. "Yell at me? Spank me?" My throat hitches. I'm giving him what a wants. I don't respond to him. He smiles and continues eating. 

When the waitress brings the check I pay for Tyler and I, ignoring Tyler's protests. He finishes every last bite of his pie, whipped cream and all. I did my best not to pay attention to his mouth or the small hums coming out of it with each bite. I almost forgot that we aren't alone at this table. 

"It was nice seeing you again," I hug Heather and a few others goodbye. It was fun seeing my friends again although most of the time all my concentration was on Tyler.   
"Good to meet you guys," Tyler waves to everyone politely. We exit the restaurant together. I open the car door for Tyler and he gets in. I start the car but don't drive off yet. I put my hands on the steering wheel and look at Tyler. He looks back at me.  
"What?" he says innocently. I just shake my head and pull out of the parking spot. 

"I'm glad you came tonight," I tell Tyler during our drive back to campus.  
"Me too. Your friends seemed nice."  
"They are," I nod. "Oh and- I'm sorry about Evan. I really didn't know he would be here tonight."  
"It's okay," he assures me.   
"He's kind of an asshole honestly."  
"Why did you break up?"  
"It was a mixture of a lot of things. I just didn't want to be with him."  
He nods. "Did you end on good terms?"  
"Not really."  
"Oh. Sorry."  
"Don't be sorry," I smile at him.

"You should have tried that pie. It was delicious." Tyler speaks, ending the silence.  
"Was it?" I ask sarcastically.   
"Yes."  
"I'm glad you liked the pie, Tyler." I smirk. 

We get back to the dorms at 10:00pm. I can tell Tyler is sleepy by the way he blinks. We both change out of our clothes and get ready for bed. Tyler brushes his teeth but his lips are still red from the cherry pie he ate. His lips are naturally bright, as if he's wearing lipstick all the time, but the extra color to them is noticeable. Tyler knows I have a weak spot for his lips which is why he behaved the way he did tonight. He isn't usually so erotic and his actions surprised me. I have a feeling he wanted all of my attention on him after finding out we were dining with my ex. 

"That nap didn't help much, did it?" I ask Tyler on our walk back to our room. He's already yawned three times since we got back to the dorms. He only smiles lazily.   
"It's cold in here," Tyler says when we enter our dorm.   
"It feels nice to me." Tyler puts his phone on the charger and climbs under the covers.   
"Goodnight Ty," I say softly.  
"Goodnight," he pulls another blanket on top of him and snuggles down. I want to cuddle him until he falls asleep. I want him to go to bed warm. There's still five more days left of this stupid challenge. 

I lie down on my back and take off my shirt. I don't see how Tyler is cold. I place my hands over my face and sigh. Tonight was difficult. There were multiple times where I almost gave up and touched Tyler. Even now I have an urge to climb down from my bunk and wrap my arms around him. Not to mention I'm extremely horny. I crave the feeling Tyler and I shared weeks ago. The feeling of making each other cum. The thought of it makes my dick twitch in my tightening underwear. I need to have better control of myself. I know I do. 

I hear a small noise coming from below me. I furrow my brows and listen closely to the sound of- Tyler? Moaning. Tyler moaning in the bunk under me. I curse quietly aloud and exhale a deep breath. I'm getting hard, which isn't a surprise, but the shock of the whole situation has my brain on halt. He's getting louder now. Fuck. I swallow hard, unable to stop myself from slowly trailing my hand down my stomach and onto my crotch. I hiss at the contact. I palm myself urgently as I listen to Tyler's whines and moans below me. I'm rock hard now. I feel my whole body begin to heat up. My heart starts to beat faster and my chest feels tight. Arousal fills the room and this is so hot. So hot I can barely stand another second of teasing myself. I know Tyler feels it. I know what he wants. 

I slip my hand under the thin fabric of my underwear. I wrap my hand tightly around the base of my dick and begin pumping my fist. I let my body absorb the pleasure slowly. I throw my head back against my pillow. I feel numb from pleasure and fuck, my head is racing. I can't stop imagining Tyler with his small hand wrapped around himself, touching himself, making himself cum. I'm also angry. I'm angry that I can't be the one to make him cum. I stop myself from climbing down the ladder and joining him in his bunk. I keep jacking myself off.

I'm painfully hard. I feel a small layer of sweat begin to form on my forehead. Moans escape my own throat involuntarily. My stomach churns.  
"Josh," I hear Tyler whine. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I move my hand faster. My eyes roll back in my head. I'm so close already.   
"I want you," the three words flow out of Tyler's mouth so innocently and I nearly cum right then. No. I can't cave. I can't let Tyler trick me into touching him. It's so hard to stop myself.

I groan. I move my hips slightly and feel the tightness in my stomach increase. The smallness of the room is noticeable as I can hear every moan and grunt from Tyler. He's trying to be quiet, I can tell. I wish it was my hand around his cock instead of his own. The pure sexual frustration I feel nearly brings me to tears. I continue to stroke myself while listening to Tyler fall apart. God dammit I want to see him right now. I want to watch him pleasure himself, eyes squeezed shut, hips arched upwards in the most obscene way. I want to touch him myself, make him cum with my own hands. I'm only torturing myself with these thoughts. 

"Tell me-" I groan. "Tell me how it feels," I beg Tyler to speak. I beg him to at least talk to me.  
"Good, feels so good. Wish it was you, Josh," he cries out. Shit. My heart nearly explodes. He sounds so filthy, so smutty, so beautiful. I'm so fucking close I can barely breathe anymore and I want to hear Tyler's moans as he cums. I want him to be as loud as possible.   
"You gunna make yourself cum?" I wheeze out. My wrist feels tight from the constant movement. Waves of pleasure wash over me.   
"Mhm," he whines.   
"I'm so close, Ty. Fuck," I choke out. My throat closes up and my head begins to spin. "I want you to be loud when you let go baby." He groans at that. 

I picture Tyler in my head. Lips swollen and covered with spit. Arms flexing with every pump of his hard dick. Hair slightly fallen onto his forehead. I bet he's got the sheets in nots and a single hand clutching them. I know how pretty he looks when he's like this. Right when he's about to cum. And when he's coming - he looks so angelic. Just thinking about his face while he's having an orgasm takes my breathe away. I'm only a few strokes away from coming. 

"Josh, oh," Tyler moans my name. The sound of his voice is oh so delicious. He sounds completely wrecked. I'm disappointed that it wasn't me that got him to that place but knowing he did it to himself is almost as hot.   
"Oh, gosh," he cries out a bit louder this time. I roll my hips to the rhythm of my strokes, which have gotten clumsy and careless. "I'm coming," Tyler raises his voice suddenly and begins to cry out.   
"Shit," my hand maneuvers up and down my dick until I'm coming hard all over my hand. I moan in ecstasy as the feeling of my orgasm washes over me. I'm dizzy and light headed. Tyler, to my surprise, obeyed my command and is being very loud. I groan and begin to slow down the movement of my wrist. Tyler has started to quiet down. He's whining softly now. 

"Holy shit," I breathe. I place my hands on my heaving stomach as I come down from my pleasurable state. I close my eyes. I can still hear Tyler's wretched breathing below me. Once my heart rate returns to normal and my head isn't spinning, I open my eyes and reach for my shirt. I attempt to clean up the mess I've made on my hands and lower stomach. My mind is on Tyler. I hear slight movement under me before the room goes silent again. I feel satisfied and still a bit turned on. My arm aches. 

"Josh," Tyler calls for me.   
"Yes baby?"  
"I miss you," I hear seriousness in his voice which makes me frown.   
"I miss you too," I tell him. I hear him sigh and roll over. I pull my underwear back up over my hips and stare at the ceiling. I do miss Tyler. I miss his touch and his kisses and his cuddles. Tonight was a reminder of that. 

I pull the covers on top of me but keep my eyes open. I think Tyler and I both need the other equally. We're both struggling with this whole no touching thing and I'm starting to come to terms with how much I personally need Tyler. Not for sexual benefit at all. I just need him. 

"Ty?"   
"Huh?"  
"Tonight was on purpose wasn't it? I mean, you planned it out, right?" I ask him.   
"Kinda."  
"Your plan was for me to come down there?"  
"Maybe."  
I smirk. "You know, if you wanted me to touch you so badly you could have just asked." He doesn't respond to that. I keep smiling through the silence. "Goodnight Tyler."   
"Goodnight."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!! im excited about this story guys i can FEEL the plot changing and shifting and it's so wonderful. btw I KNOW I AM UNSKILLED AT WRITING SMUT i did try my best with this one my writing is starting to improve a little have you noticed? i think ive noticed. have a good week everyone.


	22. Need

Tyler's POV

"Tyler." Am I dreaming?  
"Tyler." The voice says again. I groan and stretch my legs.   
"Wake up." I open my eyes but keep them squinted due to the bright light seeping through my eyelashes.   
"Mm," I roll over onto my back, "why am I awake."  
"We're going shopping. Get ready," Josh stands up from his squatting position beside my bunk. His hair is wet and he's fully dressed.  
"What?" I rub my eyes with the backs of my hands.   
"You said yesterday you had no clothes so I'm taking you shopping," Josh chirps.   
"Really?" I sit up.   
"Yes now go shower. Clean yourself up," he winks at me. I blush. I think about last night and the events that took place. I need a cold shower. 

 

I didn't know Josh would actually take me shopping. I'm excited to get out and explore for once. I've heard about the malls in California, and I know how big and extravagant some of them are. I turn on the shower and make sure the water isn't scolding hot before I step under it. The showers are usually empty in the mornings which I'm thankful for. I like showering in the morning. I wash my hair first, making sure every strange of hair is coated with shampoo before rinsing it out. I look down and watch the suds slide down my body and into the drain. I'm still adjusting to being awake. I shave the little bit of scruff on my face before getting out and drying off. 

"So where are we going?" I ask Josh once I enter our dorm.  
"There's a mall about ten minutes from here, it's really nice." I nod.   
I dry my hair with a towel until it's damp and get dressed.   
"Why'd we have to go so early?" I groan and look down at Josh who's comfortably laying down on my bunk. "And why did you get ready before me?"  
"The earlier the better. Plus, it can get crowed on the weekends so I wanted to make sure we were one of the first people there. And you looked so peaceful sleeping. I didn't want to wake you up." 

Once we're both ready, Josh grabs his car keys and we head to his car.   
"No one is awake yet," I mention to Josh.  
"Probably because it's 8:30am on a Saturday." 

"It's cold," I cross my arms and rub them with my hands when we get outside. Josh frowns.   
"We'll have to remember to get you a jacket." He tells me. 

"I like the way you drive," I tell Josh.  
"You do?" He glances at me.  
"Yeah. You're a good driver."  
"Aw, stop it," Josh smiles with his teeth and crinkles his eyes. I giggle. "Do I have to compliment you now?"  
"No. I mean, you don't have to."  
"If I start complimenting you, I'll never be able stop."  
"That's a compliment."  
"Okay. That's one. Here's another, you have pretty eyelashes."  
"So I've been told," I nod.   
"By whom? Other boys have told you that you have pretty eyelashes?" he asks sarcastically.   
"Just my mother."   
"I think I'm going to like your mother." he cheeses. 

The drive to the mall is short. Josh finds a parking spot close to the entrance. The mall, looking at it from the outside, is huge. There's not many cars in the parking lot yet. I feel a tinge of excitement run through me as we walk to the entry. Josh opens the door and cold air washes over me. Elevator music is playing from the speakers, giving the building a calm feeling. I've never been in a mall like this before. Not only is not big, it's also eloquent and fancy.   
"Tyler?" Josh's voice snaps me out of my trance.   
"Huh?" He's a few steps in front of me. I realize I haven't moved since we stepped inside. "Sorry." I catch up to him.   
"You like it?" he asks me while we make our way up a short flight of stairs.   
"Yeah. It's so nice," I tell him. I'm still overwhelmed by this place.  
"Compliment number three. You're cute when you're amused."   
"Are you just going to continue complimenting me all day?"  
"Why not?" I blush.

When we reach the top of the stairs I stop to look around.   
"Where are we going first?" I ask Josh.   
"Wherever you want," he stands by my side while I gaze across the many stores on the bottom floor. There's an escalator leading up to the second floor and by the looks of the height of the ceiling, there's most likely a third floor too.   
"How many times have you been here?" I ask him and continue walking.   
"Not sure. I used to come here a lot when I was high school. Just to hang out."

I walk into a store with dim lighting and loud music. There's a large poster of a shirtless man with ripped jeans hanging on the wall in this store. I stare at the poster momentarily, admiring the man, before looking at the jeans on the shelf below him.  
"Question," Josh crosses his arms and tilts his head towards me, "how do your parents think you're straight when every time you look at a semi attractive man, your jaw drops, and your shoes are covered in drool?" he asks sarcastically.   
"Guess they haven't noticed," I smile and tread to the other side of the store. 

"Tyler!" Josh calls from the spot where I left him.   
"What is it?" I ask when he approaches me. I look up from the stacks of colorful T-shirts.  
"Try these on," he hands me a pair of dark jeans and I grab them.   
"Why?" I ask him puzzled.   
"Because I think you'd look great in them," his answer his simple. I shrug and fold the jeans over my arms.   
I look at the size under the waistband, seeing that it is in fact my size. "Okay.

I find a dressing room and close the door, making sure it's locked before slipping my current pair of jeans off and trying the new ones on. They feel a bit tight but it's something I could get used to. I look at myself in the mirror. I must admit, they don't look bad on me. I hear a knock on the door.  
"Who is it?" I ask.   
"Who do you think it is? I wanna see, open up," Josh wiggles on the doorknob. I snort and open the door.

"They're okay, I guess," I tell Josh once we're face to face again. His eyes are on my legs and he blinks slowly while admiring the jeans.   
"Yes," he nods.   
"You like them?"  
"Yes," his head is still tilted down. "Yes," he repeats for a third time.   
"Okay," I giggle.   
"Compliment number four. You look great in those jeans."  
"Thanks," I say shyly. "I'll get them. Just for you." I turn around and shut the dressing room door behind me.   
"Thank you!" Josh chants from outside of the door. It feels nice when he compliments me and makes me feel special. I've never really had anyone do that for me. I change back into my original pair of jeans. I take the new pair and join Josh back in the store. 

"Do you wanna keep looking around?" Josh asks.   
"No. Just these," I motion to the jeans. I follow Josh to the check out and place them onto the counter. The cashier slides them over to him. Josh and I reach for our wallets at the same time.   
"Let me pay," Josh says.  
"No," I shake my head.  
"C'mon just let me."  
"No, they're my jeans."  
"I picked them out."  
"Yeah. For me."  
"So? Let me pay," Josh argues back.   
"No," I hand the cashier my card and he looks at Josh apologetically.   
"You're so stubborn," Josh sighs.   
"Why? Cus' I wanna pay for my own things?"  
"Yeah, exactly," Josh smiles. I roll my eyes and grab the small bag from the counter along with my card.   
"Thanks," I tell the cashier before walking towards the exit. 

Josh catches up to me and snatches the small bag out of my hand and walks beside me. He smiles as he carries my new jeans out of the store. 

"You know, I kinda wish you didn't agree to the no touching challenge," Josh sighs and looks down at his feet.   
"Really?"  
"Yeah, I mean, I'd love to be able to hold your hand while we're out shopping together. Like a couple."  
"You wanna be a one of those couples? Kinda boring," I joke.   
"We'll never be a proper couple considering we're gay," he responds. I nod.   
"I guess you're right."  
"Hey, don't worry. Being a proper straight couple is boring," Josh smiles at me. "So what kind of clothes are you wanting to buy today?"  
"Dunno," I shrug and look to either side of me.   
"Here," Josh turns quickly and walks into another store. I follow him inside and look around. 

"Looks expensive," I beam. Josh takes a shirt off of the rack. He puts it back and grabs another. I clear my throat and swiftly walk over to where Josh is browsing the shirts. He looks at each of them carefully before moving on to the next.   
"What do you think of this one?" He asks suddenly. He holds up a sleeveless button up shirt made out of a silky black material. I step forward and take the hem of the shirt in between my fingertips.   
"It's really soft," I say as I rub the smoothness through my fingers.   
"Would you wear it?"  
"Me? I dunno..." I cross my arms.  
"Well why not? Do you not like it?" Josh takes another look at the shirt.  
"No, I like it. It's just- I don't know if I'd look good in it."  
"Of course you'd look good in it. C'mon try it on," he extends his hand holding the shirt out to me and I hesitate before taking it into my own hands.   
"Okay," I agree. 

A few moments after entering the stores' dressing room, I remove my shirt and place it on the small bench occupying the area next to the mirror. I carefully change into the black shirt Josh picked out for me. I still feel skeptical about wearing this. I sigh and stare into the mirror. I like the shirt a lot and I have to admit I feel nice. I shrug my shoulders and watch the way it shimmers against the light. I open the door to see Josh standing with his arms folding against his chest, staring directly at me. 

"You like it?" I brush the backs of my hands down the front of the blouse, smoothening out any ruffles in the fabric. Josh doesn't speak at first. He only tilts his head and focuses his eyes on my torso. I start feeling nervous and a bit self conscious. I look down at my shoes and wiggle my toes in anticipation.   
"It's amazing," Josh finally speaks, "how you always look good no matter what you're wearing," I look up.  
"I never knew of anyone who could accomplish that until now," he continues. "You could walk out of that dressing room wearing a bright yellow trash bag and I'd still go crazy about you."  
"Stop it," I blush.  
"But it's true," Josh smiles and shakes his head. "I love the shirt. You look great in it."  
"Really?" I ask quietly. My cheeks begin to ache from grinning so hard.   
"Oh yeah. It shows off those pretty arms of yours that you've been hiding all this time." he walks in a circle around me before stopping and facing me. "Mm," he hums.   
"Well. I guess I'll get it then," I twirl the ends of my hair nervously. I step backwards into the dressing room.   
"Great," Josh chirps from behind the door. 

"So do you like reading? Books, I mean," Josh asks me as I change back into my shirt.   
"I love reading actually."  
"There's this really great book store right above us. Wanna go check it out?"   
"Sure," I step out of the dressing room and slip the shirt back on its hanger.   
"But do you read?" I question Josh back. I walk past him and into a different area of the store.   
"I prefer movies over books," he answers and picks up a hat dangling from a rack.   
"Hm," I shake my head, "I knew it."   
He places the fedora shaped hat on top of my head and smiles. He takes a look at me and giggles.   
"I'm not a hat guy," I hand it to Josh and he puts it back where it came from. 

I walk towards the checkout with my new shirt in hand and set it onto the counter. Josh creeps up behind me.   
"I'm paying this time," he says.   
"No you aren't."  
"The shirt is expensive," he tells me.   
"I can afford it."  
"And so can I, now," he pulls out his credit card and hands it to the cashier, "don't be stubborn."  
I roll my eyes but let the lady at the register take his card anyways. She goes to scan the shirt but pauses and looks up.  
"This is a women's shirt," she states blatantly.   
Josh darts his eyes and then ruffles his eyebrows, "And?"   
I swallow hard as the tension grows between Josh and the cashier. Josh looks at her with an impatient and annoyed look on his face. I blush and play with my fingers.   
"Never mind then," she finally speaks up. Josh shakes his head as she returns his card to him. My face cools down a bit. 

We exit the store together. Josh has my bags of clothes in his hand. I offered to take one but he insisted he carry both two.   
"What an asshole back there," Josh clenches his jaw.   
"Yeah," I nod, "do you want to shop some? I mean, for you?" I ask quietly ask while we walk.   
"No no. This is for you."  
"Yeah but you can shop if you want to."  
"I'd rather watch you try on things I pick out for you," he smiles.

We begin walking up a short flight of stairs unto the next layer of the shopping center. Josh motions for me to follow him a few steps until we reach a quiet looking store filled with book shelves. We enter the room and I immediately notice the temperature change.   
"It's freezing in here," I rub my arms and look around. Josh frowns.   
"Is it?"   
"Yes. You can't tell?" he shakes his head.   
"Maybe it's just me then," I sigh and begin pacing down the isle of shelves.

"No ones in here," I whisper.   
"No ones in the entire mall," he whispers back.   
"Why'd we have to come so early?" I whine.   
"Because," he starts, "it's a lot more fun shopping when no one else is around. You get the whole place to yourself!" he raises his voice slightly and stretches his arms out.   
"Shhh," I shush him and walk to the other side of the shelf. He stays on the separate isle and slides a book out of place and reads the back cover. I can see him in the spaces between the books.   
"You're so polite," he says softly.   
"Another compliment?"  
"Yeah," he snorts, "number...uh shit, what number am I on?" I giggle. "Oh- number five."

I begin walking farther back and Josh follows me from the other side. I trace my fingers across the spines of the books and pull out a random one. I analyze the front cover before opening it up and skimming through the short summary written inside. I hear Josh clear his throat and push the books aside that were blocking his view of me. I glance at him, holding back a smile. I pick another book from the shelf. 

"Compliment number six," Josh whispers. His voice is so low I could barely tell he was speaking. I pretend I didn't hear him and continue to scavenge for a book.   
"You make such pretty noises when you're being touched. And when you touch yourself-" he pauses to inhale a deep breath, "God, it's the most beautiful sound."   
My face is hot already and the rest of my body feels like its waiting to catch fire. I don't respond to Josh, instead I ignore him. I take a few steps from the spot I was.   
"Last night," I close my eyes and sigh as he makes his way closer to me and continues to speak. "When you came, I was so amazed, so amazed. I wish I would've been the one to make those sounds come out of you." I cough in shock. "There's always next time."  
I tap nervously on the book in my hand along with tapping my foot on the ground. My throat won't let me speak which I'm sort of grateful for. I know if I tried to say something my voice would break or I would stutter.   
"There's only five days left," Josh's voice changes slightly, "can you wait that long?"  
"Yes," I answer too quickly.   
Josh knows I'm flustered. It was his goal after all. He knows that my face is red, although he can't see it.  
"Find a book you like?" I can hear the smirk in his voice.   
"Um," I tighten the grip on the book in my hand, "I'm still looking." My palms feel sweaty. I put the book back on the shelf and take a deep breath. The room is so quiet I can hear Josh's breathing on the other side of the book shelf. My throat feels tight. I wish we weren't alone right now. The tension is too strong. 

I attempt to return back to normalcy but I can't concentrate on anything knowing Josh is watching me from behind the books. We end up leaving the store empty handed.

"Hungry yet?" Josh asks me.   
"No," I walk slowly beside him. I notice him looking at me and stop. "What?" He only shakes his head and smiles.   
"Stop," I pout.   
"What?"   
"You always do that."  
"Do what? Look at you?"  
"Yeah."  
"You don't want me to look at you?"  
"No," I respond, "well..."  
He raises his eyebrows, "You are," he sighs, "so weird."  
"Sorry," I frown.   
"No," he corrects himself, "not weird. Different. It's cute."  
"Oh."  
"Are you sure you aren't hungry?"  
"I'm not. Are you?"  
"No," he stops walking.   
I look forward to see what he's looking at and see a small shop filled with cameras and video recorders. Josh steps into the store and takes a look around. I follow close behind him. 

"What are we doing in here?" I ask confused.   
"We," Josh picks up a large lens camera and puts his eye against it and squints, "are getting a camera."  
I cover my face, "I don't like cameras."  
"Do you like anything? Other than me," he winks and sets the camera down.   
"Not much," I admit.   
Josh walks past the man at the front desk and to the back of the store. There's a few vintage Polaroid cameras on display that catch both of our eyes.   
"I had a friend in High School who had one of these. I fucking loved it, too."  
I blink quickly as I watch Josh examine the cameras carefully. He picks one up and holds it in his palms. 

"Aren't they like, really expensive?" I interrupt Josh's gaze on the camera. He looks at me then back down at the camera again. He suddenly turns away from me with the Polaroid in his hand and strides to the check out. He slides his credit card to the man behind the counter and I swiftly make my way over to to him. The man swipes his card and seconds later we're walking out of the store. Josh smiles widely at his recent purchase and I can't help but feel a bit excited myself. I walk to the edge of the balcony overlooking the first floor and gasp. 

"Look Josh!" I point down and hear a click from beside me. I turn to see Josh's face behind the camera, his teeth shimmering just below it. I glare at him but refrain from saying anything. I look back down to the floor.  
"The fountain," I say softly, "I've never seen one so big before."  
I stare in awe for a few minutes at the large marble fountain spraying strings of water in a perfect circle. I can see pennies covering the surface of the pool, shinning under the rain. I see a couple with a child walk be the fountain and the child throws in a coin. I wonder if she made a wish. Josh is unamused by the fountain. His focus is on the rectangle shaped photo between his fingertips. He's grinning with his head down. His eyes are crinkled and completely fixated on the picture in his hands. I look away quickly. I smile and drop my head. I stare back into the fountain, trying not to blush too hard. 

"Ty," Josh says softly.   
"Yes?" I respond but keep my head down.   
"I-" I hear him take a breath, "I want to take a million pictures of you."  
I giggle, "That's too many."  
"But it isn't," he joins me at the railing. I look over to him and see a cheesy smile plastered on his face, "It isn't too many."  
I can't think of anything to say so I nod and take a step backwards. 

Josh gently slides the Polaroid picture he took of me into his back pocket. He puts the camera into one of the shopping bags.   
"Let me hold one of those," I tell Josh.   
"Don't worry. I can carry a few shopping bags," he objects and begins walking.  
"Where are we going now?" I catch up to him.   
"Wherever you want."  
"I don't know anything about this mall. You do."  
"You need a jacket, don't you?"  
"I guess."  
Josh nods, "C'mon then."

I follow Josh into a store. There's a specific rack lined with jackets and coats and sweaters. I browse through them. Being very picky, I try each garment on multiple times trying to decide which is best. Josh snaps more photos of me without my knowledge. 

"Which do you like?" I hold up a large black sweater and a thin black jacket with white draw strings.  
Josh places the camera back into my shopping bag and scans his eyes over the clothing in my hands.   
He shrugs, "Just get both."  
"Get both?" I look at the sweater and then at the jacket. I think it over and decide that buying both wouldn't be a bad idea considering the price is lesser now than it will be in a few months because it's almost spring, "Okay, I will."  
"Alright," Josh nods and smiles.   
I pay for the two garments and carry my newest bag of clothes out of the store myself, despite Josh's request to hold all three. 

We decided to get lunch at Subway. Josh orders for us and we sit down at a table across from one another. The fountain directly behind us makes it difficult for us to hear so we mostly eat in silence. The day has been great so far and I've never really known what it felt like to enjoy a day out. Shopping with Josh isn't boring like it would be with my family. 

I hear nother snap from across the table in look up with a mouth full of sandwich. I swallow and glare at Josh once again.  
"Why would you take a picture of me eating?" I raise my voice slightly, making sure Josh can hear me over the splashing water.   
"Cus," he replies, "you're cute." He looks down at the picture with a giddy smile on his face. I should be angry but I just can't be. He makes it so hard for me to be mad at him him.

After we finish our food, we dispose of our trash and grab my shopping bags. Josh checks his phone briefly before putting it back in his pocket.  
"Almost 12," he says.   
"We've been here for that long?" I ask as we ride the escalator up to the second floor.   
"Guess so."  
When we reach the top, I follow closely behind Josh as he walks to the escalator leading to the third floor. 

We enter a store with bright lighting and I shop around. I pick out a few T-shirts and another pare of sweatpants, classic college attire. Josh doesn't shop. He watches me but doesn't follow me around or speak to me. I spend about 10 minutes shopping before checking out. Josh politely carries the new bag of my garments. 

"I think I've bought enough," I giggle as I take a look at Josh, arms filled with my bags.   
"Ready to go then?" I nod on the way down the escalator. I make sure my phone and wallet are still in my pockets. 

I take one last look at the fountain that caught my attention earlier and exit the mall. The temperature has drastically risen since this morning. I often forget that I'm living now in California and not Ohio. The weather here is so different, not that I'm complaining.

Josh carefully puts all of the shopping bags in the trunk of his car. He opens the passenger door for me and I smile and get in.   
"Ow!" I yelp in shock.   
"What is it?" Josh turns around quickly with concern on his face.   
"The car seat is hot," I raise my legs from the seat and place my feet on the edge so my thighs aren't being affected by the heat of the car.  
"Shit, sorry," Josh scratches the back of his neck and squints.   
"Yeah. Because you caused the sun to heat up the seats and burn me."  
"Ha," he smirks and shuts the door. 

"Thank you for taking me," I turn my head and rest it against the seat. Cold air hits my face from the vent but I don't mind.   
"You're welcome," he states nonchalantly.   
"I mean it."  
"I know you do, Ty. Thank you for being so cute all day. Compliment number 23."  
"You were only on, like, 7 or something," I correct him.  
"I counted all of the ones I didn't say out loud."  
My stomach flutters. I kind of wish he had said some of them out loud but I think it's better than he didn't. I think about all the times I've thought things about him I didn't say out loud. I think about the things I thought before we were together, before I even knew I was gay. I think it's funny now, thinking back on how scared I was.   
"Whatcha thinkin' bout?"   
"Nothing." I grin and close my eyes. The air conditioning is starting to burn them. 

~

I attempt to fit my new clothes in my drawers. Josh is laying in my bunk looking at the Polaroids he took of me earlier.   
"Where are you going to put them?" I ask him.   
"Don't know," he answers me slowly.  
"How about the trash can?" I say sarcastically.   
"I would never throw these works of art away."  
"I picture of me eating is a work of art?" I cram the last of my clothes into my dresser and sit down on my bunk next to Josh's feet.   
"Yes," Josh nods. His voice is nothing but serious. I spot the camera sitting on the table and I stand up to fetch it. I hold it and turn it around in my hands. I've never held a camera like this before. I sit down again with the camera on my lap. I don't think Josh has noticed I have the camera. He's completely focused on the images in his hands. I put my eye on the viewfinder and look at him through the camera. I stay like this for a while, watching him like this. I see a small smile tug at his lips and I quickly take the picture. He looks up as the flash fades. 

"Do you even know how to work that thing?" Josh shakes his head and snorts. He sets the photos by his side and lays his head against my pillow.   
"Obviously since I just took a picture of you."

I gently retrieve the nearly blank Polaroid from the bottom of the camera. I set it on the sheets and watch in amazement as it begins to develop right in front of my own eyes. I can't take my eyes off of the picture. Color begins to seep through and I attempt to make out Josh's face. A few minutes later it's almost completely developed. I grab the edges of it with my fingertips and hold it up in front of my face. I smile widely with my teeth. 

"Let me see," Josh reaches over to grab the picture from my hand but I lean back so he can't get it.   
He sits up and attempts to grab it again. His fingers brush against mine and he pauses while our hands are barely touching but, touching nonetheless. Josh and I make eye contact and I lose my breathe. I release my clutch on on the picture. He holds the Polaroid in his hand but doesn't look at it. The room feels like it's shrinking. Josh finally looks down at the picture. I feel my heart rate begin to decrease. It's crazy how the slightest touch from Josh affects me so drastically. I still don't understand it. 

"You're quite the photographer," Josh breaks the silence. His voice is normal.   
"Yeah," I say shakily. He looks up at me with raised eyebrows.   
"You okay, babe?" he asks. I'm not looking at him but I can hear the smirk in his words. I don't respond or look up.  
"Hey," Josh speaks with a deep tone to his voice, "if you're really that desperate for me to touch you, even a kiss, tell me."   
"No," I shake my head.   
"Are you sure?"  
"Yes."  
"You don't sound sure." That's because I'm lying, I think to myself. Josh knows I'm lying, he always knows.   
"You miss me, don't deny it," he continues speaking. "You miss when I kiss you, hold you, play with your hair..." He trails off. "I know you do."  
I want to scream at the top of my lungs.   
"Tell me you give up. Tell me you can't do it anymore." I shake my head. I want to give in so badly but I won't. I won't give him that satisfaction.   
"You had no idea how difficult it was going to be when you agreed to this, did you?" Josh leans in a bit closer to me. My stomach churns. "C'mon, Tyler. Kiss me."   
I bite my tongue. I'm breathing so heavily I feel light headed. I could pass out any second.   
"Kiss me," he repeats himself a bit louder.   
"Why don't you kiss me?" I look at Josh. I'm determined not to let him win this.   
He's taken aback by my sudden out burst, "I could. But I don't need it like you do."   
"I don't need you," I lie.   
"You're lying."  
"I-" My voice breaks before I can get a proper sentence out. I don't even know what to say and I know Josh is right. I can't speak anymore. Josh smiles at me. He falls backwards on the bed and sighs. My heart sinks into the bottom of my stomach. I feel like crying. I do need Josh. I need him in ways I can't comprehend. I could tell him that and this could all be over. 

"Josh," I finally speak after minutes of thinking.  
"Yes Tyler?"   
I don't know what to say so I tap my fingers on my knee nervously. I feel the tension in the room increase again and I'm unsure how to handle it so I hold my breath.   
"Tyler," Josh speaks my name and I look up. "Say it."  
"I need you," I mutter the words under my breath.   
"What do you need? I'm right here."

And the torture begins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haha hey guys... how have y'all been hahahahaha 
> 
> .....
> 
> .  
> BYE. OMKSKKDSKS


	23. Anticipation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lesbian writes gay smut part 3 enjoy sickos

"What do you need? I'm right here," Josh slowly lifts himself up and mimics my sitting position on the edge of my bunk. He crosses his legs and puts each of his hands behind his back, leaning on them for support.

I can hear my own heartbeat. I've been sitting here holding my breath for too long and I'm starting to get dizzy from the lack of oxygen. I need to breathe like I need Josh's arms around my waist. 

He's waiting for me to speak, Josh is. I know I'm making this a lot more difficult than it has to be. I'm too nervous. I'm always nervous. I shouldn't have said anything. I could've waited the 5 days. No you couldn't have, I immediately correct myself. 

I know what Josh wants me to do. He wants me to tell him exactly what I miss about him. He wants me to tell him how much I need him. He wants me to say it all out loud.

"Never mind," I mumble. I look down to my hands in my lap. I feel tears filling up in my eyes and I blink them away the best I can.  
"Don't be like that," Josh's voice has changed from before and it's softer now. It makes my heart jump.  
"Like what," I say. I try to speak without sobbing.  
"Like, like you can't talk to me. Like you're scared."  
"I'm not scared," I tell him. 

I'm not scared; I'm stubborn and I'm lonely. When I was without Josh, I didn't know what I was missing. After I experienced what it was like to be in a relationship, after I kissed him and cuddled with him, I realised how difficult it is to give it up. And now I want it back. I desperately want it back. I need it back but I'm too stubborn to let Josh know it. I keep quiet. 

"Okay. You aren't scared," he nods his head. He picks up the Polaroid I took of him and scans over it before laying it back on the bed. "So what are you waiting for?" He closes his eyes briefly before reopening them and looking directly at me. 

I scoot closer to him, until our faces are only inches apart. He doesn't move, he doesn't flinch, he just keeps his eyes on mine and waits. I glance down at his lips. I look up to his eyes again and my heart stops beating. It just stops beating and almost lose consciousness. I can hear both of our breathing. It's shallow and quick. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm desperately hoping he makes the first move. I bet he's hoping the exact same thing. I hold my breath again. 

"Kiss me," Josh's voice is quiet. There's a raspy detail to it that makes me feel aroused. I've suddenly lost the ability to speak. If I could speak, what would I even say? 'I want to kiss you but I don't want to give off the notion that I need you more than you need me even though it's true'? It is true that I need him more. We're less than a month into this relationship and it's already obvious that I cannot be without him. I could give in right now and end this. 

"What are you thinking about?"  
"You," I breathe out. I let my eyes roam over his face.  
"Me? What about me?" I notice that the distance between our faces is decreasing while he speaks. I'm frozen in place. I don't wish to move away from him any time soon. "Are you thinking about kissing me...touching me..." Josh coos steadily. I only nod once. He tilts his head to the side and looks down at my hands. They're shaking in my lap.  
"I bet it's taking everything in you not to climb on top of me right now," Josh whispers.  
"Don't be so full of yourself," I swallow hard. He's right though. Everything he's saying is extremely accurate, as if he's reading my mind.  
"Mmm...Am I wrong?" The small smile on my face disappears and I squeeze my hands together in an attempt to get them to stop shaking.  
Josh leans in so close I can feel his breath on my face, "You're hard aren't you? Just from hearing me speak?" His words make me bite my tongue. I can taste blood but I don't care. "You are," he smirks. 

Josh is driving me crazy on purpose. He wants to use words against me. He's trying to get me to cave and it's working. I'm slowly starting to lose control.  
"Please," I wheeze. I can't handle the tension anymore. I feel as if my body is on fire and there's nothing I can do to stop it from burning.  
"Please what, Tyler?" Josh hums innocently.  
"I," I sigh, "I don't know what I want."  
Josh nods. He takes a deep breathe and opens his mouth. He positions his lips beside my ear and begins speaking.  
"I know what you want," shivers run down my spine from the breathe on my neck. "You want to do more than kiss me, don't you? You want more, Ty. Ever since you've met me you wanted more." I whine and move my head closer to Josh's mouth, trying to feel his lips against the side of my neck. He pulls away too quickly and my heart falls into my stomach.  
"Aw," Josh frowns jokingly at my attempt. He's enjoying this too much. He puts his face directly in front of mine once again. If I leaned in an inch or so our lips would be touching. 

I'm hard. It's getting painful to ignore. I squirm and I bounce but nothing is relieving the pressure in the pit of my stomach. Every time Josh speaks it gets worse. He knows that. 

"I'm giving you one last chance, baby. Kiss me," I can hardly hear the words that come out of his mouth. He said them so quietly. I can hear my own heart beat. Our lips are so close it's as if I can feel the energy radiating from his, like there's an invisible force pushing our mouths together. I don't stop myself from slowly letting my body move towards Josh's. I open my mouth but keep my eyes open until my lips begin to brush against his. I sigh and almost sob as our mouths connect with one another's. Josh groans out loud and I wrap my hand around the back of his head and continue the kiss. It's slow, gentle, soft, like the first time. We each take our time experiencing the moment. The relief of finally feeling his lips on mine again is enough to bring me to tears. Once I open my mouth wide enough to feel Josh's tongue collide with mine, the kiss changes drastically. Josh immediately grabs ahold of my hips and places me in between his legs. I wrap my own legs around his waist so that I'm on his lap and hug his neck with my forearms. The room is warmer now than it was before. We're creating heat all by ourselves. 

Josh glides his hands underneath my shirt. He trails his fingers up my stomach and chest to my shoulders and back down again. He uses two of his fingers to gently squeeze one of my nipples and I gasp as my body tingles. Pleasure spreads through me and he continues the motions with his thumb and forefinger.  
"Like that, huh?" Josh smiles giddily and separates our lips for the first time. I nod. He takes my nod as an okay to carry on. He uses a second hand to softly pinch my other nipple and I roll my eyes back.  
"Sensitive?" his voice is breathy and hot. I only nod again, quicker this time. "Fantastic." He looks rather pleased with this new discovery. I'm confused by it but I don't object. It feels amazing, so why would I?

Josh continues the gentle abuse on my nipples while our tongues and lips reattach. I've nearly forgotten how great it is feels kiss him. I never want to stop now that I've relapsed. Suddenly, Josh leans forward and I fall backwards onto the sheets. Josh keeps a hold on my hips as we fall. He then moves his hands from underneath my body to underneath my shirt once again. He drags the hem upwards until it's above my chest and in one quick motion he lifts it over my head. He tosses it across the room. His eyes gaze my torso. He's sitting comfortably on my thighs, watching my stomach inhale and exhale deep breaths. He leans down and kisses my lips before kissing down my neck and collar bones. When he reaches my chest, he takes my left nipple into his mouth and flicks his tongue over the top of it. I shriek and cover my face with my hands in udder shock. I look between my fingers at Josh and see him smiling while he plants tiny kisses across my chest. He reaches my right nipple and repeats the action again and again as I moan through my teeth. My stomach jumps with every touch of his tongue to my now raw buds. He's taking his time. He knows exactly what he's doing but I have no clue. I never knew what he's doing could feel so marvellous but I do know that I don't want him to stop. 

"I wanna do so many things to you," Josh growls in between kisses, "I want to watch your reaction to all of it."  
"Okay," I nod again and place both of my hands in his hair. He uses his mouth to suck and play with my nipples. I arch my back in pleasure. I try not to make a sound while he's doing this but I am rather unsuccessful. He places his hands on my hip bones and pushes my body onto the bed. I can't seem to catch my breath. 

Josh stops and kisses me on the mouth again. I tug at his shirt and try to remove it but he swats my hand away and grabs ahold of my wrists. He pins them above my head, similar to last week when he pinned them against our dorm door. I can't help but feel turned on by the dominant gesture. He kisses me hard until I begin to whine. 

"I wanna try something," he sucks on the skin on my neck, "but only if you're completely okay with it."  
"Okay," I choke out. Everything Josh has done so far, I've loved. I'm thinking this won't be any different.  
"If you are okay with it, I promise I'll make you feel so good. Better than ever before." he kisses my neck and then my lips before sitting up and climbing off of my lap. Excitement fills my stomach. I should feel more nervous but I'm not. I'm not nervous at all. 

Josh's POV

I sit on my knees in front of Tyler and grab his hands. I pull him up so that he's face to face with me.  
"I want you to listen to me, okay?" he nods urgently and I can't help but be turned on by his need to hurry this along.  
"If you ever want to stop, ever, not just tonight, say so. If you're uncomfortable, or scared or just need a break I want you to speak up." I look dead into Tyler's eyes to make sure he's understanding me. I want him to hear this information and process it.  
"Okay."  
"Promise me you will?"  
"I promise," He says it sternly so I know he's being honest. 

"You're gunna love this, babe," I tell him and I watch his cheeks get red and he smiles sweetly. I lay him down on his back once again. I position myself in between his legs, still on my knees, and reach for the waistband of his shorts. I look to him for approval and he gives it so I tug them down. His underwear his tight and I can see the outline of his hard dick through the thin fabric. His face is completely pink now. He's incredibly shy in general so I can't even imagine how he feels right now. 

I begin to rub him through his briefs and he slams his head down against the bed and let's out a loud groan. I tease him by grazing my fingers across his hard on, making sure he can feel it but only barely. I don't want him to cum yet. I have more planned. He grasps the bed sheets with his hands and breaths so recklessly I'm worried he'll pass out. I stop touching him momentarily to watch his body twitch in pleasure. I could tease him forever. I love watching him like this. But I'm not evil and I want what's coming next even more. 

I remove his briefs next, watching his dick land on his stomach. Tyler blinks rapidly. The release must have felt heavenly to him and I crave that feeling too. I'm painfully hard but today is not about me, it's about Tyler. It's about giving him the most about of pleasure possible. 

I begin to jerk him off very slowly, leaning down to kiss him while he adjusts to it. His fingernails dig into my bicep.  
"Good?" I giggle. He doesn't speak, he only nods and bites the back of his hand. "You can make noise. Lots of it," I assure him.  
"What-what about," he loses his breathe but catches it again and continues, "people, in the dorms. They'll hear."  
"Fuck them. Be loud," I tell him and speed up the motions of my hand on him. He arches his back and moans aloud.  
"There ya go," I laugh and then stop jerking him off. I release his dick from my hands. He gasps and squirms. He grinds his hips into the bed and I feel bad for it but I don't want him to cum.  
"Please," he cries out and continues to wiggle his hips.  
"One second, Ty," I tell him to calm his nerves. I slide his body over so that his legs are facing the edge of the bed. I climb out of the bunk and sit comfortably on the floor so that my face is alined with his ass.  
"Remember what I told you?" I ask him.  
"Yes, just-just, hurry, please," Tyler's voice is so desperate it makes my heart pound.  
"Okay," I scoot closer to the edge of the bed and grab underneath Tyler's thighs.

I ever so carefully flick my tongue across his hole once, and then lick a straight line up towards his dick. His reaction is more than priceless. He shivers immediately and a high pitched moan fills the room. His breathing is so heavy. I lick another vertical stripe down his hole and repeat it several times while he squirms under my touch. I knew he'd enjoy this.  
"What do you think? Do you like it? Want more?"  
"Yes, yes, please, Josh," he rambles. I grin and return to use my tongue on him. He hums loudly and grabs my hair again, this time with only one hand. He starts to use the other to jerk himself off but I stop him quickly.  
"No. I don't want you to cum yet. I want you to experience as much as this as possible."  
He frowns but obliges. He slightly applies pressure to the back of my head with his hand, pushing down so I'll resume. I can't help but to smile. 

I squeeze the inside of his thighs and spread them apart as I continue rimming him. I tighten my grip when he begins to squirm. I use the very tip of my tongue to swirl small circles around the brim and then gently place kisses into the center of his hole. He can't seem to quiet down while I preform these actions and the sounds he's making causes my stomach to flip. He's getting louder every second. I kiss up from his bottom to his dripping dick laying across his stomach. I kiss the head and the shaft and he sighs.  
"Gosh," he shuts his eyes and flutters his eyelashes. He is in complete bliss. 

I continue the trail of kisses down to where I came from and embrace the familiar sounds of Tyler as I return to rimming him. I can tell by his whining that he wants to cum more than he wants to breathe. I'm enjoying eating him out, and I don't want this to end just yet. I slow down the movements of my tongue and let him cool down a bit. He relaxes his body and let's me steady his legs so that he's more comfortable. One hand is in my hair and the other is resting on his stomach. He's trying not to touch himself. He doesn't want to disobey my orders.  
"You can try it yourself," I tell him as I catch my breath, "playing with your nipples. Just like I did earlier."  
Tyler nods and I watch closely as he uses his free hand to pinch one of his nipples like I instructed. He hums at the feeling and I keep my eyes on him while he does the same to his other nipple. He bites down hard on his bottom lip. I've never been with someone who enjoys nipple play as much as Tyler. When I found out how much he liked the feeling I was overwhelmed with excitement.  
"It doesn't feel as good as when you do it," he tells me and he looks like he's going to cry. I curse under my breath. I'm sexually frustrated and Tyler playing with himself and moaning in front of me is not helping. 

Tyler doesn't stop teasing his nipples. I flatten my tongue against him and hear him cry out. The feeling of being eaten out while his nipples are being touched is far beyond just your average pleasure. I can tell by his breathing how close he is to his orgasm.  
"Josh," he moans my name.  
"Mmm," I hum but don't stop.  
"You're really good at that," he exhales a large breath and wrenches on his back. His fingers are still pinching his nipples. I beam proudly at the compliment. 

I hear him start to struggle for breath. His chest is red and his hair is plastered against his forehead in a clutter. He pulls on my hair with force and I grimace but feel my cock twitch in my pants. I decide I should let him cum. 

Before I can even grab ahold of him he cries out and arches his back. I pick my head up and my mouth drops at the sight of him. He's coming on his stomach and chest, fingers still pinching around his nipple.  
"Holy shit," I gasp and shake my head in shock.  
Tyler whines and releases the grasp on my hair to take his other nipple into his fingers. One last strand of cum leaves his reddened dick. He screams in ecstasy. I watch him jerk and buck his hips into the air as his orgasm fades. I rub the inside of his thighs and place a final kiss in between his cheeks He quivers at the sensitivity.  
"Fuck," I can't help but to chuckle in amusement.

Tyler is a whining mess on the mattress in front of me. I'm still having a difficult time processing what happened; I imagine he is too. I've never made a guy cum untouched before. I never even knew it was possible. I can't seem to wrap my brain around it. Not only am I extremely turned on, but I'm also amazed. I'm amazed at Tyler. 

"God, you're gorgeous," I tell him in a hoarse voice. I'm trying to keep calm. Tyler is panting heavily with his hands in his hair. His eyes are closed and his mouth is still somewhat open. I keep my eyes on his face. He swallows and sighs again, letting another small whine exit his throat. He lays here for a few moments with my hands still grasping his shaking thighs, breathing gently as he comes down. Neither of us speak, we just live in this moment together. 

After about three minutes or so has passed, Tyler finally opens his eyes.  
"Hey you," I say gently. He doesn't respond. He only smiles and blinks slowly. "How do you feel?" I ask him.  
"I...I don't really know," he finally speaks. His voice is soft and quiet.  
"Sleepy?"  
"A little."  
I nod and release his thighs from my grip. I start to stand up but Tyler grabs the collar of my shirt.  
"Don't go," he pouts.  
"I'm just gunna get a towel. To clean you up, okay?" I assure him. He nods at that. I stand up from off of the floor and find a small hand towel. I return to his bunk and sit down on the edge of it so we're side by side. 

I begin rubbing the towel across his stomach, making sure I clean every drop of his cum off of his skin; and there's a lot of it. Tyler sets one of his hands on my knee while I wipe him down. I keep in mind that he's probably vulnerable right now, as he was last time we were slightly intimate. I toss the towel across the room into the laundry bin. I look down at Tyler and see that he's already looking at me. I lean towards him and kiss him gently on the lips. I move to across the bed and lift the covers up. I motion for Tyler to join me and he crawls weakly to my side. I help him under the covers and wrap my arms around his naked, shaking body. I kiss his neck and his cheeks and his lips. He shivers and giggles at my gestures. I rub his cheek with my thumb.  
"You're too good," I whisper in his ear.  
"No, you," he grins.  
"You have no idea how badly I've missed you. Holding you in my arms like this," I shake my head, "I could do it forever." His eyes sparkle and he closes them, resting his head on my chest. I scratch his head with my fingers and he leans into the touch, just like a kitten. My heart rate speeds up a bit as the fondness takes over.  
"Thank you," Tyler speaks in a low voice.  
"For what?"  
"For, you know," he shyly says.  
"Oh," I snort, "you are so welcome. Always a pleasure."  
He frowns and looks up at me, "What about you?"  
"What about me?"  
"I didn't do anything for you," he sulks.  
"I don't care, T. Today was for you."  
"But-" Tyler begins to object but I cut him off with a kiss.  
"You already gave me everything I needed. Now," I lay his head back against his chest, "rest." 

And he does rest. He falls asleep within minutes and I stare at his face. He is beautiful. He's beautiful when he's orgasming and he's beautiful when he's sleeping. I brush my hand against his cheek too gently for him to feel while sleeping. I replay the events of today over and over in my mind. I feel so lucky to be here right now with this boy naked in bed with me, sleeping on my chest. I suddenly have an overwhelming urge to wake him up and kiss him but I don't. I let him sleep. I close my eyes momentarily right before a loud ringing sound erupts from under the pillow Tyler and I are currently laying on top of.  
"Shit," I curse under my breath and search for the phone quickly without moving much. I find the phone and look at the screen. It's Tyler's mother. I silence the ringing and make sure Tyler is still sleeping. His eyelashes flicker but he stays asleep. I sigh in relief. 

I lay here with him while he sleeps. I just listen to his breathing and admire him. I feel safe here. I feel peaceful and I know I've never felt like this before with any of the guys I've been with. This is real. This feels real and I know we've only known each other for a short time and to other people it may appear like we're rushing this thing, but I honestly don't give a fuck. I'm captivated by him. 

This boy is completely and unconditionally too good for words.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so ya i wrote this all by myself can u believe it. i worked so hard on this n it was a challenge for sure considering i have no idea how to write about eating ass but like i think i did a pretty good job, what do u guys think??? oh btw i deactivated me twitter bc the clique was driving my crazy but if i wanna talk or smthn u can find me on @tylerrarchive. ok that's literally all. pls leave me comments n tell me what u think? ya? thanks appreciate it. hav a good rest of the week joshlers, peace.


	24. Truth

Josh's POV

I must've fallen asleep for hours. I wake up alone in Tyler's bunk with sheets bunched up at my feet. I rub my eyes with the outside of my hands. Tyler. He's not beside me and he's not in our dorm. Where could he be? I stand up, feeling a bit of panic run through me as I search for his phone. Unable to find it, I come to the conclusion that he's either out getting food or on the roof. I decide to check the roof first. 

I climb the flight of stairs up to the top of the building. I open the door to the rooftop and sigh at the comfortable temperature outside. I see Tyler. He's sitting with his legs crossed near the edge of the roof. I walk over to him and place my hands on his shoulders. He jumps out of shock but soon realizes it's me. I place a kiss on the top of his head and take a sit beside him. 

"How'd you find me?" he asks. His eyes stay focused on the setting sun in front of us.  
"Where else would you be?"   
"I don't know," he grins, "someone could have kidnapped me."  
"And who would want to kidnap you?" I reach over and put my arm around him, pulling his head over to my shoulder. He lays it down and closes his eyes.   
"Dunno." he opens his eyes and looks at me. "My mother called."  
"I know. She called while you were sleeping."  
"I called her back. She wants us to come in two weeks."  
"Two weeks...shit, okay."  
"Backing out?" he smirks.   
"No fucking way," I shake my head, "I just didn't know it'd be this soon."   
"You don't have to go," he snuggles his head into the crease of my neck.  
"I want to go," I tell him.  
"I still don't understand why you'd want to spend a weekend with my family."  
"I get to spend a weekend with you, too."  
"But it isn't with me. We have to hide, pretend like we're friends. Plus, we spend weekends together all the time."  
"Do you not want me to go, Ty?" I look at his head rested on my shoulder.   
"I didn't say that," he frowns, "I'm just nervous."  
"Nervous how?"  
"I just," he inhales a big breath, "I guess I'm just- I don't know," I rub through his hair, "I'm scared we'll give something away. What if they find out somehow?"  
"Then...we'll have to deal with it," I watch his eyebrows furrow.  
"We can't just deal with it. It's more complicated than that," he raises his voice a bit and I hear annoyance in his tone.  
"You worry too much," I reply.   
"I have a lot to worry about," he picks his head up, "if my parents found out I was dating a guy they'd hate me. You had it a lot easier than me, remember?"  
"Yeah I remember," I nod, "but you have to stop stressing about it," I attempt to put my arm around him again but he backs away from me.   
"I can't just stop stressing about it. If they found out anything could happen. They're paying for my college. They could take it away...that's my future," Tyler runs his fingers through his hair.   
"Do you really think they'd stop paying for your college because you're gay? That's a little extreme don't you think," I raise my eyebrows.  
Tyler shakes his head, "You don't know how I was raised. It's a sin. An abomination. That's what I was taught growing up. For as long as I can remember I was told that."  
"You don't believe them though, do you?" I ask concerned. I don't want Tyler to look down on himself.   
"It doesn't matter if I believe them or if it's true or not. It's what they believe. Nothing will ever change that."  
"Fuck their beliefs. You didn't choose to be gay so you shouldn't be punished for it."  
"That doesn't matter either. In their eyes I'm a sinner," he crosses his arms.   
"Why do you care so much about what they think of you?"   
"Because they're my parents. They raised me," he states. His eyes look sad.   
"They're willing to abandon your college tuition because you're gay. That isn't parenting."  
"I know, alright? It's not like I can just stop loving them overnight."  
"I'm not asking you to stop loving them," I inform him.   
"It seems like it," he huffs.   
"Hey," I lower my voice, "it's gunna be okay."  
"Stop telling me it'll be okay, you have no idea what you're talking about," he mumbles angrily.   
"Tyler..." I whisper to him softly. I know he's upset at me. I shouldn't have said the things I said. I took it too far and I worded everything completely wrong. I don't know what he's going through and I don't know how to help him with it. I feel helpless.   
"Sorry," he pouts. I see a tear trickle down his cheek and my heart breaks.  
"No no no. Don't cry, don't cry," I grab his waist and pull him onto my lap, wrapping my arms around him. He sobs into my shoulder.   
"I'm scared, Josh," he cries.   
"I know you are," I rub the back of his neck, "but I promise I'll be here with you through whatever happens. I'm not gunna leave."  
"Promise," he whines.   
"I promise."

I hold him while he cries. He calms down eventually but I feel an overwhelming amount of guilt. I somehow feel responsible for making him upset. He's right, I don't know what I'm talking about. I had it easy. I didn't have to worry about my parents disowning me like he has to. He must be terrified of them finding out. I wish I could get rid of his fear. There's a part of me that wishes he didn't care about what his parents think of him. He grew up in a conservative household and it affected him deeply. He must have been in denial about his sexuality for a long time. Somehow I was about to help him out of the closet but he's still struggling to accept himself. 

"Do you think my parents will be able to tell that we're a couple?" Tyler breaks the silence but keeps his head on my shoulder. His voice is calm in my ear.   
"I don't think so. Do you?"  
"I don't know. Maybe," he shrugs his shoulders.   
"We'll just have to be extra careful then," I kiss all over his neck until he's giggling in my lap. "No kisses," I tickle his stomach as I plant tiny kisses along his jaw and up the side of his face.  
"Stop it!" he laughs and playfully hits me. His eyes crinkle. I kiss away the dry tears on his face and he falls sideways off my lap. He lays his head in my lap and stretches his legs out beside me. He looks at the sunset while I pet his head gently.   
"I didn't mean to make you upset earlier," I say quietly.   
"I know you didn't," Tyler runs his fingertips along my legs, "I'm sensitive."  
"Well, yes you are, but I'm also a dumb ass who should've kept his mouth shut."  
"You aren't dumb. You were only trying to help."   
He's right about that. "I care about you a lot. Did ya know that?"  
"I think you've told me before," I can hear the smile in his voice. He flips his head around on my lap so that he's looking in my eyes. "I missed this too."  
"Yeah?" I play with his hair. He nods. "Are you tired?" I ask.  
"No, I just took a nap."  
"I remember that nap. Orgasms take a lot out of you," I tease. He blushes.   
"You wouldn't know," he plays with the hem of my shirt and holds in a smile. He trails his fingers down into my lap and traces them over my crotch. I watch his pupils dilate and his smile fade.   
"Tyler. What're you doing," I smirk. He runs his hand under my shirt and feels across my stomach.   
"You're so warm," he whispers.  
"That's because your hand is cold," I grab his wrist and remove his hand from under my shirt. He lays it on my thigh.   
"How will we survive days without being a couple," I brush my fingers across his cheek fondly.   
"We did it before."  
"And look how that ended."  
"It wasn't exactly a bad ending," his face gets red again.   
"Mmmm it wasn't," I roll him over. His back lays across my lap and his head is on my knee. I slide a hand under his tank and pinch one of his nipples.   
"Ah," he scrunches up his face and I snort.   
"What's so funny," he wiggles. I place my hand on his chest, still under his shirt. I feel his heart beating.   
"It's just amusing how sensitive you are," I grin.   
"I can't help it," he pouts.   
"I know," I pull his entire body into my lap and rub his nose against mine. He wraps his arms around my neck to keep himself from falling. I put my lips to his and he squeezes the back of my neck. I kiss him slowly. My body lights up. I rub my thumb in circles around his nipple and feel his fingernails slightly sink into my neck. I repeat the action multiple times. He pulls away from the kiss.   
"Someone's gunna catch us," he pushes against my chest.   
"Who's gunna catch us?"  
"Anyone."  
"I've been coming here for a year and no one else has ever come up here," I tell him.   
"Well they could."  
"Who cares?" I nibble on his neck   
"I do," he climbs out of my lap.   
"Ugh," I put my hands behind my head and lay down with my feet crossed. Tyler lays down beside me. 

"Technically you lost the bet," I tell him.   
"Yeah, technically you made me lose the bet."  
"I made you lose," I chuckle.   
"Yes," he eyes me and then looks up at the sky. 

I look at him. I stare at him while he stares at the sky and I realize how much I need him. I need him so much more than he knows. It's not about lust, it's about him and his entire being. He is more than a boy. He is so much more than I've ever had in my life before. I don't think I could survive without him. Him. 

"Are you staring at me," his lips curl upwards. He keeps his eyes forward.   
"Yes," I answer simply. He turns his head to look at me. I shimmy closer to him until our shoulders are touching. I rest my hands on my stomach, mimicking Tyler. He looks up to the sky again. I keep my eyes on him. 

"What do you wanna do tomorrow?" I ask.   
"Doesn't matter."  
"Do you want to go out, explore, or just stay in. We can watch movies all day," I suggest.   
"Don't know yet. Ask me in the morning," Tyler mumbles and closes his eyes. 

I watch his chest move up and down. The wind gently blows his hair causing strands of it to part from the the rest. I relax my shoulders a bit. The concrete feels harsh against my skin and bones and I wish we were laying in bed instead of on this rooftop. But it doesn't matter where we are as long as we're together. I scrunch my nose at the cheesy thought, I'm becoming overly romantic without even knowing it. I don't think Tyler minds though. I think he likes it. 

"I'm tired," Tyler says.   
"Let's go down," I stand up carefully, feeling light headed from lying for so long. I extend my arm to Tyler and help him to his feet. He doesn't let go of my hand as we begin walking down the flights of stairs leading to our dorm. I try to pull my hand away from his once we reach an area where other students could be walking around but Tyler tightens his grip.   
"Someone could see us you know," I whisper into his ear. I attempt to hide the excitement on my face.   
He shrugs, "Yeah so."

We enter our room and the first thing that I notice is the hamper filled with laundry next to our bunks. All of my focus and attention has been on Tyler the past few days and I've completely forgotten about everything else, laundry included. I should probably get that done tonight. 

Tyler lets go of my hand and climbs the ladder to my bunk. I follow him up. He sits on his knees and waits for me to lay down. Once I do, he rests his head on my chest and wraps his arms around my torso. I place my hand on his head. 

"Hungry?" I ask. Tyler shakes his head.   
"Do you need to shower?" He shakes his head again.   
"What about-"  
"I just wanna lay here for a minute," Tyler cuts me off. His arms tighten around me.   
"Everything okay?" I ask a bit concerned.   
"Yeah I just wanna-be here with you."

And I let him. We lay here together, just breathing, nothing else. I watch Tyler blink. He doesn't speak for a long time. I study his face. I look for any changes in him but am unable to see anything. He's calm and content. I play with his hair with my fingertips and he closes his eyes. And I hear a phone ring. It's coming from my pocket. Tyler raises his head and frowns at me. I mentally curse myself for not putting my phone on silent. I reach into my pocket and answer it to stop the ringing.   
"Hello?" I say agitated.   
"Hey Josh," it's my dad.   
"Dad!" I prop myself up against the pillow behind me and Tyler sits on his knees again, "what's up? Everything okay?"  
"Everything's fine. Look, I was wondering if..." he begins talking and asking questions but he doesn't give me time to answer. I try to focus on his voice but Tyler is staring at me and it's hard to concentrate on two things at one time.   
"Um, hold on Dad. One second..." I motion for Tyler to come here. He crawls over to me and I pull him closer and he smiles. He lays against me with his head on my shoulder and comfortably sits in between my legs.   
"Okay what is it," I say into the phone.   
"Well we were all wondering when you could come visit. Maybe for a weekend or so. You know spring break is coming up and we haven't seen you in a long time Joshua. Your mother and I-"  
"Okay, okay, umm-" I remember my plans for spring break. "I kinda have a thing to go to the weekend of spring break."  
"You do? What is it?"  
"I'm going to meet my roommates family," I look down at Tyler and give him a cheesy smile.   
"Roommates family?" he repeats.   
"Yes, that's what I said." 

My dad continues to interrogate me about meeting Tyler's family and I try my best to answer all of his questions as honest as possible. Tyler traces his fingertips across the outline of my tattoos while I talk. As distracting as it is, I carry out the conversation with my dad until he finally decides to hang up. 

"Sorry," I tell Tyler after getting off of the phone.   
"It's okay."   
"My parents really want me to come home."  
"You should go. How far is the drive?"   
"Not far at all. I've been putting it off for so long and it's getting harder and harder to come up with excuses."  
"Coming home with me is an excuse," he grins and continues trailing his fingers over my skin.   
"It's more than an excuse but, yes."  
"I wanna meet your parents."  
I'm taken aback by Tyler's request, "Why?"   
"Because," he shrugs, "you're meeting mine and, like, we are kinda dating and stuff so it only makes sense if I meet them."  
"We are dating and stuff. Thank you for reminding me."  
"I'm serious," he pinches my shoulder and I flinch.  
"I know you are. You can meet them soon I promise."

Tyler nods. It's beginning to feel more and more like we're in a relationship and I'm not used to that feeling. I've dated guys before but nothing has ever been this serious. I'm still trying to figure out whether or not I'm excited or if I'm fucking terrified. I think it may be a mixture of both. I just can't wait to see what happens next.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sjsjksks hey im like the worst updater in history i know im literally so bad like sometimes i totally forget this fic exists and then like tyler and josh will do something gay and ill be like oh that reminds me there's like a thousand people waiting for me to update this fic and i haven't even started writing the next chapter yet SNSKSJKD guys im so sorry i really am trying to be better. but ya thanks a lot for all the kudos idk what those are i legit thought that meant goodbye in british language or something im so dumb anyways here is a really boring kinda dumb chapter that i put together i hope you like it kinda haha bye xxxxxx


	25. Angel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lesbian writes gay smut part four ya here take it.

Tyler's POV

The next week flew by and I unexpectedly started feeling nervous about Josh coming home with me for the weekend. 

"What's wrong?" Josh asks with his fingers in my hair. I'm laying in between his legs with my back against him. He props himself up with a pillow against his the wall. I don't answer his question of concern. 

"We should go out this weekend," I suggest.   
"Go out?" Josh snorts.   
"Yeah, like, a party or something."  
"A party? Are you out of your fucking mind?"  
I sit up to face Josh, "What's that supposed to mean?"   
"Do you remember anything about what happened the last time we were at a party?" Josh raises his eyebrows.   
"No, not much actually."  
"Exactly. No more parties," he snakes his arm around me and places his hand on my chest, pressing me against him again. I resist and turn completely around.   
"What if I don't drink this time. I promise I won't."  
"Why do you want to go to a party so badly?"  
"Because it's college. I want to experience college like normal people do. I don't wanna be a loser forever," I pout.   
"You are not a loser, Tyler. Parties are stupid. College parties are especially stupid."   
"Don't you get bored just sitting in this dorm all time?" I ask.   
"I'm never bored when I'm with you," he grins.   
"Ugh, gross," I smile though. 

Josh leans in and kisses me. Butterflies immediately fill my stomach and I start to wonder if that feeling will ever go away. He lifts my arms over his shoulders and I scoot my body close to his. I wrap my legs around his waist and we continue to kiss. Josh separates our mouths first and he looks at me. 

"We can go out. Anywhere you want to."  
"We don't have to," I play with the collar of his shirt.   
"C'mon, if you want to go to a party then let's go to a party. Let's go to every single party. On and off campus."  
"I don't really want to go to a party," Josh smirks.   
"But it's Friday night. Don't you wanna have fun."  
"We can have fun here I guess," I sigh dramatically.   
"Have anything in mind?" he whispers in my ear, sending chills down my spine.   
"Um," I look up at the ceiling awkwardly and remove my hands from Josh's neck.  
"What's up?" Josh leans backwards, increasing the amount of space between us. He has a concerned look on his face. I've gotten way too used to that look.   
"I don't know," I shrug, "I want to like, I guess-" I lower my voice to barely a whisper. "I wanted to... Do something for you."

The words sounds so foreign leaving my mouth and I nearly cringe at the phrase. I'm not used to speaking like that. I envy Josh and all his experience. I envy how comfortable he is with sex and how easy he makes it all look. I feel stupid. 

"You mean like..." He nods slowly. "Okay," he smiles and I lower my head. I fidget with my fingers and shake my head. I try not to grin.   
"Nope," Josh lifts my head up by two fingers under my chin. He looks into my eyes. "Why are you being so shy all of a sudden?"  
"Dunno," I keep my eyes on his.   
"I want you to feel comfortable with me at all times. I wanna be able to communicate with you, yeah?"  
"Yeah," I nod, "okay."  
"Okay. Now talk to me."  
"It's just," I take a deep breathe, "I was just thinking, well- for a long time I guess, I was thinking, that I could, like, you know," I don't know. "You've done so much for me already, I want to give back," Josh is listening to me intently. His eyes haven't left my face yet.  
Josh nods, "You want to make me come?" He says nonchalantly. He tilts his head to the side. My face gets hot immediately. I don't know what else to do but nod. 

I think back to last weekend. I felt guilty and a bit unsatisfied for leaving Josh hanging. I think back to this week. The quick hand jobs he'd given me before class and during make out sessions never felt right. I don't want it to be one sided anymore. 

"You shouldn't feel obligated to-"   
"It's not an obligation," I correct him.   
"And you don't have to just because-"  
"I want to."  
"Okay. What do you have in mind then?" Josh asks.   
"Well I don't know. What do you want," I murmur. He snorts.   
"You really have no idea what to do, huh?"   
"No. I told you. I'm stupid I don't know anything."  
"You're not stupid. You're inexperienced. And that's okay," he grabs my face with both his hands and looks into my eyes.   
"Okay, okay," I remove his hands from my face and place them on his lap.   
"Um- I guess- You see I've never really had to guide any partner of mine through this nor have I had to be guided either so this is all new to me, too." He laughs nervously and I feel relieved knowing we're both struggling with this. 

"Have you ever watched porn?" His face lights up. I slowly shake my head and watch the light from his face dull. "Fuck."  
"Sorry," I shrug.   
"It's alright, it's alright," he assures me. "You know what you like though, don't you?" his voice deepens. "When I touch you there," he glances down then up to my face again. I nod.   
"Yeah," I gulp.   
"So you're halfway there. You just have to figure out what I like and then it'll be easy. Does that make sense?"  
"Yes," I'm starting to get nervous. And excited.  
"Okay, we're getting there."

I'm shocked at how calm Josh is. He's handling the situation so easily. I envy that as well. 

"Kiss me," Josh says suddenly. I frown, confused but Josh just nods his head. "Kiss me."   
I place my hands around his neck and press my lips against his. Hard. I instantly feel that familiar feeling of warmth bubbling in the bottom of my stomach. Josh grasps my hips with his hands and roughly pulls me close to him. I hug my legs around his waist tighter. My heart rate begins to increase. I move my hands from his neck to his hair and pull slightly. I love his bright blue hair. He groans into my mouth which causes my stomach to jump. I want to hear more of that. I want to be the cause of those noises. 

"I'm hard," Josh whispers into the crook of my neck after he pulls away from the kiss and begins nibbling on the skin above my collar bone. The words send chills up my spine and all over the rest of my body. 

I bravely remove my fingers from his hair and cautiously move my hand across his sweatpants. I look down at my hand as it grabs his erection. I snap my head up to Josh and his mouth is open and his eyes are on my hand. I wait for him to look at me. He finally raises his head and nods. I take a deep breath and begin rubbing him through his pants, very carefully. I hear Josh hum quietly. I continue to press my hand against the length growing in his pants. 

"Am I doing this right?" I say softly.   
"I don't think there's a wrong way to tease someone," Josh half laughs half moans.   
"Can I- take these off?" I suggest. I tug at his waist band.   
"Yeah," he breathes. We work together to get his pants off. Once they're off, I toss them to the end of my bunk. 

I sit in between Josh's legs and rub my hand against his crotch. I get up on my knees and kiss him while I do it, trying to ease some of my anxiety. He places his hands on my back and pulls me forward. I slide my hand under the fabric of his briefs and grab a hold of his dick. Josh hisses and tangles his fingers into my hair. I move my hand up and down inside of his shorts. Josh's head falls back and he groans, a smile slowly appearing on his face. I quicken the speed of my strokes. I kiss along his jaw and try my best to keep a steady rhythm going. 

"You're doing good," Josh pants. He tugs at his own hair. He's looking down at my hand again.   
"Really?" I smile. He just nods. I can hear his breathing. It's erratic and hot against my neck. 

I stop the movements of my hand and watch his eyes widen. I give Josh an apologetic smile. I remove my hand from his shorts and grab ahold of the hem. I look into his eyes again, waiting for his blessing.   
"Go ahead."

I yank his underwear down his thighs as quickly as possible. He sighs, most likely relieved to have the pressure of the tight fabric removed. I sigh too. And I stare at the sight in front of me.   
"You okay? Remember you don't have to-"  
"No it's not- It's just that- It's a lot bigger than I was hoping, I guess," I laugh awkwardly.  
"Than you were hoping?" Josh covers his face and giggles. "I'm sorry to disappoint."  
"No! I didn't mean it like that, I swear I didn't!" I cover my face too and curse myself for being such an idiot "Sorry."  
"Tyler, babe, it's okay. You're fine," Josh laughs and ruffles my hair. "It's okay."  
I grab the base and continue to stare.   
"We can talk through this," Josh assures me. I nod.   
I hold him in my hand. I use my other hand to continue the strokes, like I was doing earlier. I keep my eyes on Josh's face.   
"Like this?"   
"Yeah, just like that," he groans under his breath. 

My confidence is slowly starting to grow and I feel a lot more comfortable than I did moments ago. Talking really helps. 

I use both of my hands to move up and down his shaft, keeping my eyes on his face. His mouth is slightly open, his eyes are closed, eyebrows furrowed. He looks so good like this. I can't take my eyes off of him. I try to concentrate on what my hands are doing. The faster I move my hands the wider his mouth opens. He lets out a deep moan that makes my stomach twist in arousal. I'm starting to get hard myself, from just watching him. 

"Fuck," Josh moans, causing me to smile a little too wide. "I'm happy to see that you're enjoying yourself."  
"Just tell me when you're gunna- you know," I lock eyes with Josh and my pants feel tight. 

I'm currently sitting in between Josh's spread legs. I lean down and lick the very tip of his dick, only once, to watch his reaction. His eyes flutter shut and he bites his bottom lip. I repeat the action again, more confidently this time.   
"God dammit," he chokes. He rubs his face and smiles.   
"Can I-"  
"Do whatever you want, fuck," he cuts me off. 

I shrug and lean down again, taking the entire tip into my mouth, swirling my tongue around. Josh moans. I swallow down a bit of the salty liquid that has already formed at the tip before sinking my head down more. And more. And more, until I'm unable to go any further. I choke a bit when it hits the back of my throat.  
"Christ," Josh combs his fingers through my hair.   
"Don't mention him right now," I say when I come up for air. I use my hands again to stroke him while I take a few deep breathes. Josh's laugh turns into a moan when I slide my mouth down again. I try to get used to the size. It's like nothing I've ever experienced before.  
"You're a fucking angel, you-you know that?" he stutters.   
"A fallen one, maybe," I say quickly, returning to my task. 

I attempt to keep a steady pattern. Hands, mouth, tongue. I want to do my best for Josh because he always does his best for me. I know I don't know what I'm doing but I'm memorizing what I do and Josh's reaction to it. So next time, I'll know exactly what to do. Right now, he's groaning and moaning with his hands in my hair which I think is a good sign. I just want him to enjoy this as much as possible. 

"Shit, that feels so good."  
"Mmm," I hum, trying not to gag. This isn't as difficult as I thought it would be but I'm going to need a lot of practice. The noises coming from Josh make me feel confident in what I'm doing but they're also turning me on and everything becomes harder when you're turned on, no pun intended. 

I can tell by the way Josh's breathing that he's close. I move my hand in sync with my mouth. He likes that a lot. I use my free hand to rub my crotch which is starting ache in my pants.

"Don't come," Josh sternly orders, "I want to do it myself."  
"But-" I pop my head up.  
"Don't touch yourself," he says dominantly and I obey, removing my hand and placing it on his hip. I look down at the trail of spit coming from my mouth to the top of Josh's dick. I lap at the tip multiple times before Josh moves his hips up to reach my mouth. I smile and proudly wrap my lips around him again. I sink my mouth down until my nose is almost touching his stomach. I cough but keep myself there as long as I can. Josh is so close to losing his mind. 

"Make sure you breathe," he reminds me. I nod. He pets my head as I come up for air. I don't stay up for long though. I'm determined to make him come. Josh begins bucking his hips up into my mouth and I know he's almost there. I use both of my hands to give him the maximum of pleasure. I want him to feel as good as he makes me feel, if that's possible.   
"I'm so," Josh pants, "fucking close." 

I change positions so that I'm sitting on my knees. I remove my mouth and only jerk him off with one hand, so I can watch his face. He opens his eyes that have been squeezed shut for so long.   
"Look at me. Look in my eyes," he cries out. I look into his eyes and he smiles widely. "Angel," he moans and then he's coming. 

Josh arches his back and his neck. He lets out a loud, low moan that makes my pants swell. White streaks appear in front of me and I try my best to catch the remains with my tongue. Josh's eyes are shut again and he's breathing as if his lungs stopped working. I watch him in awe as he orgasms in front of me and I wish I hadn't have waited so long to do this. I swallow what's in my mouth and rub my fingers across my face where the come landed. I suck on my fingers and notice Josh staring at me with a smirk on his face. I continue licking my fingers. I look down and see the bulge in my shorts. I look back up at Josh and see that his eyes are closed and he's breathing deeply. I begin grinding my hips into the bed in order to relieve myself. I cover my mouth and bite the inside of my hand. I'm already really close - I have been for a long time. I focus on the sight in front of me. Josh is laid back with his hands in his partly sweaty hair, shirt pulled up enough to reveal his abs, come on his stomach and dripping down from his swollen dick. And I find myself coming into my shorts without any warning. I moan into my hand as I feel a wave of pleasure coat my body. Josh opens his eyes quickly and sits up, grabbing me my the shoulders. 

"'M sorry," I whine, "I tried to wait, I swear." Josh and I both look down at the growing spot in my shorts and he scoffs, shaking his head. He pulls his briefs up and lays down against the pillow behind him. He motions for me to join him.   
"I'm really sorry, Josh," I hold in a cry.   
"It's okay, fuck," he giggles. I cuddle myself into his chest, still shaking, and he hugs me. "Next time I'll have to tie you up to be sure it won't happen again." I look up to him and he winks. I blush.   
"Thank you," he pulls his shirt up and wipes my face and around my mouth. "You did an absolutely incredible job, really. I'm impressed."  
"Really?" I say shyly, burring my head into his chest.   
"Really." he grabs my hand and interlocks our fingers. He holds my hand up to his face and frowns. "You're still shaking?"  
"I can't help it," I shrug.   
"Interesting."  
"How do you, like, recover so quickly? I don't understand," I ask him. I rub my thumb against his hand.   
"Well, I've gotten really used to orgasming. Like seriously, I couldn't even count the times-"  
"Okay," I project my voice to cut him off. He kisses my forehead and I shiver.   
"I fucking love how sensitive you are..." he kisses me again, this time on my neck. My entire body twitches involuntarily. I push against his chest. 

"We're all sticky," I sigh.  
"Yes," Josh nods, "we should shower."  
"You can go first," I tell him.   
"Or we can take one together," he squeezes my waist.   
"No," I giggle, "I have to call Lexi. It's been days since I've talked to her. I don't want her to think I replaced her or anything."  
"I could never replace her," Josh smiles.   
"I know. Now go shower."  
"I'm taking you out tonight," Josh gets up from my bunk.  
"What? Why? It's too late," I frown.   
"It's not too late, Ty. It's Friday and we're in fucking college," he grabs a pair of underwear and clean clothes from his drawer.   
"Okay, I guess so."  
"It's gunna be so romantic, just you wait."

Josh smiles at me and shuts the dorm door behind him. I grin and play with my hair. I'm so happy to be here right now. 

I'm so happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omg hey guys yeah it's me i am back. i kept on asking people if was too early for another smut chapter and they were all like 'it's never too early for another smut chapter!' so here it is, sorry it took so long. i hope it isn't too weird or anything oh i was thinking about writing one shots you know short little stories or just straight up smut just whatever. i have a few ideas in mind already but if you want me to write something comment what you want and ill ~try~ to write it. im like trying to write more smut so i get better at it so yeah. ill still be writing this fic but i wanna give y'all some more shit to go off of in between chapters so if you think of a joshler au or storyline you REALLY want someone to write tell me and ill help you out. okay this is too long bye kisses mary. Xxxxxxx


	26. I think, I think, I think too much.

"Hi."

"Hey you, what the fucks up?" Lexi's voice sounds from the other line. I've missed her voice. 

"I'm about to shower and then go out with Josh," I can't help but smile in excitement. 

"Out? It's- hold on," she goes silent for a moment, "it's almost 10 where you are."

"Yeah, I know. But he wants to go out so."

"Like a party or something?"

"No way. We may go out to eat? I don't know yet."

"You and Josh, huh. Dude, that's so crazy that you're like, actually in a relationship. I never thought you'd seriously go out with someone like, really go out with someone. Especially not a guy. I mean, I knew you were totally gay but I never thought you'd actually hook up with a guy. It's weird even thinking about it. Oh, I'm happy for you and everything it's just- wow. It's so crazy," Lexi rambles. 

"Yeah...I'm a bit shocked myself."

"So...your parents-"

"No. I'm not telling them. Not anytime soon."

"I totally get that. Shit. What about next weekend? You're still coming right?"

"Yes."

"What if they find out about you two. What if they walk in on you guys kissing. Fuck! Or you doing it!" she laughs loudly into my ear. "What a way for your parents to find out."

"They aren't going to find out and they are definitely not going to walk in on us doing it."

"Oh. Yeah. Sorry. But are you guys...like, doing it yet."

"No, we are not. Well, what counts as doing it?"

Lexi bursts into laughter, "Oh you gotta be kidding me! You mean you've tried stuff?"

"I don't have to tell you anything! It is private. What me and Josh do is between-"

"You've literally told me every single thing about yourself. Don't pretend like this is any different. Spill it."

"Ugh," I groan, "well. Yes we have tried stuff- but only a few times-" 

The door opens and Josh walks in wearing only his underwear, drying his hair with a towel. 

"Um. I gotta go. Josh is back. I'll try to call you tomorrow, okay?"

"Oh darn. I wanted the dirty dirty details."

"Next time. Bye."

"Bye, love you."

"Love you too, Lex."

I lock my phone throw it towards the end of the bed. Josh sits down on the edge of my bunk and continues to hand dry his hair.   
"Good talk?" he asks  
"Yeah."  
"She'll be around when I'm there won't she? I'd love to meet her."  
"Yeah, she'll be around."  
"Sweet," he nods.  
I stand up and notice how uncomfortable my shorts are starting to feel.   
"Okay. I'm gunna go shower."  
"Hurry up! We're running out of time," Josh yells to me while I grab clothes.   
"What time?"   
"Just hurry."  
"Yeah, yeah."

I do as Josh says and take a quick shower. I wash my hair, body, and face before shutting the semi-warm water off and snatching the towel hanging next to me. I dry most of myself off before exiting the shower and getting dressed. My wet hair drips into my clothes as I walk back to our dorm. I'm glad the bathrooms are so close to our room. I open the door and greet Josh wish a smile. He's standing up and ready to leave when I enter. 

"Shoes," he hands me my black vans and I walk to the bed to sit down. I put them on and lace them up as fast as possible.  
"Where are we going?" I ask Josh. He's walking, well, running down the stairs and I'm doing my best to keep up with him. He doesn't answer my question but he holds out his hand for me to take. I hesitate.   
"It's okay. It's late. No one will see."  
I take his hand and he guides me out of the door. 

"Are you taking me somewhere to kill me?" I joke.   
"You've asked me this question before."  
"I know. Just making sure."  
Josh snorts and squeezes my hand. 

We walk in the darkness beside each other, hand in hand. It reminds of the time I walked in the dark alone when Josh and I weren't together. I was terrified. I'm glad I have him with me now.

We reach the oh so familiar sandwich diner and Josh sighs when he sees the "OPEN" sign still placed on the door. We enter with a ding and the lady at the counter smiles at us.   
"Hungry?" Josh asks. I shake my head. "Me neither."  
"Two vanilla milkshakes to go please," Josh orders for the both of us. My mouth waters at the thought of a milkshake. I haven't had one in years. 

A few moments later two cups are appear on the counter in front of us. Josh pays and thanks the waitress before grabbing our milkshakes and following me out of the door. He hands me my milkshake and I grab it, then his hand again.   
"Really romantic," I tease.   
"Hey. We haven't even gotten to that part yet."  
"Okay," I smile

I sip on my milkshake while we walk and stare down at my feet. I try not to trip. I trust Josh to lead me in the right direction. We walk for a few more minutes. I start to see leaves and begin stepping on twigs. I come to the conclusion that we're in the wooded area on campus. Josh stops first and jerks my arm a bit and I look up. We're at the tree that he took me to when we first met. The one on campus near the cafeteria. The tree I made a fool out of myself at. Josh looks at me and grins. He lets go of my hand and steps over to one of the big branches hanging down close to the ground. He lifts himself onto it and takes a drink of his milkshake. 

"C'mon," he motions to me. I step towards him. He helps me up to a comfortable sitting position across from him. I lean my back against the tree. Josh sighs, satisfied.   
"Why aren't we on the swing?" I ask.   
"Because this is a lot more romantic than a swing," he pats the branch.   
"My butt hurts," I giggle.   
"Alright, fuck it." he hops off of the branch and walks over to the swing. I mimic his actions and sit down next to him. He puts his arm around me as we slowly begin to sway. I rest my head on his shoulder and sip on my milkshake. 

There's fireflies all around us, like tiny traveling lanterns. I look up and see the stars. They're flickering behind all the of the branches.   
"This tree," Josh breaks the silence, "it's seen so much. It basically watched our relationship grow into what it is."  
"Yeah," I close my eyes and smile, "it's seen me at my worst."

I think back to the conversation Josh and I had beside this tree. I was an absolute mess. I tried everything to ignore my feelings, make them go away, pretend they didn't exist. It was impossible. I'm just glad I can finally be myself. I never want to revisit that time in my life. 

"I keep thinking about what our lives would be like if we weren't together. If that night on the beach never happened. If you never got so fucking drunk and reckless," Josh speaks softly into my ear.   
"I don't want to think about that," I admit.   
"Just for a second, imagine, you were too stubborn to admit you had feelings for me."  
"I'd still be miserable. I'd be miserable for the rest of my life."  
"You think so?"  
I turn my body so that I'm closer to Josh and am able to look at him while I speak.  
"Yeah. You're the reason I'm happy. I hadn't been happy for a long time before I met you." I tell him honestly.   
"I think you would've eventually found the right person."  
"The right girl," I speak up. "I'd meet the right girl and marry her and have children and live happily ever after. I've never wanted that."  
"That's what you thought was gunna happen? Why?" Josh frowns.   
"I would have never had the courage to be me. You helped me figure out who I was. Nobody else would've put up with me for so long."  
"Putting up with you was the best fucking decision of my life," Josh squeezes my shoulder. I take another sip of my milkshake, which is starting to melt.   
"Thank you."  
"For what exactly?" Josh looks into my eyes.   
"For saving me," my breath hitches and I feel a knot forming. Josh just smiles and looks down. "I'm serious."  
He looks back up and places his hand on my cheek, "You're welcome, angel."  
"Why do you call me that," I blush. I finish of my milkshake and set it on the ground below the swing, making a mental note to pick it up when we leave.   
"Because it's true. You're my angel. God sent you down from heaven to bless me with sweet kisses and amazing blowjobs," Josh looks up the sky then nibbles on my ear.  
"Stop," I blush again and push him away. He grabs my hand and kisses it. He stares at me with a goofy smile on his face. My face is still burning red.

"Are you nervous for this weekend?" I ask.  
"Not really," he shakes his head, "you?"  
"Yeah," I look down.   
"Why?"  
I shrug, "I just don't want to give anything away."  
"We won't give anything away. It'll be just like old times, pretending we have no feelings for each other."  
"I hated that," I scrunch up my face.   
"So did I...but," he sighs, "you're straight." he smiles sadly.   
"You know I wanna tell them," I frown and lower my face.   
"Oh I know you do, babe," I rest my head against his chest and he plays with my hair. "I know you do."  
"I'm so scared of them," I admit.   
"You don't have to be scared anymore. I'm not gunna let anything happen to you, I promise."  
"Nothing's for sure."  
"I promise." I turn my head to look at him. He places a soft kiss on my lips. I feel comfort in being here with him. I feel like I can tell him all my fears and he'll make everything better. 

"Every once in a while," I turn my head away, "I still get, like, scared of-of you know God," I take a deep breath. "For so long I despised myself and now that I'm finally being me I-I don't know."   
"You feel guilty?" Josh pets my hair.   
"Yeah," I clench my teeth.   
"It's okay to feel that way sometimes," I look down at our feet, "I understand."  
"What if it never goes away," I whisper.   
"It will."  
"How do you know, though? You don't know," I huff. "It's stupid of you to be waiting around to find out."  
"I'm not waiting around to find out. I'm with you because I want to be."  
"But-"  
"No," Josh removes his arm from around my shoulder and turns to face me. He looks directly in my eyes. "Can you stop assuming shit? If I say something I mean it. You don't have to second guess it." he slurps on his milkshake.   
"Can you blame me for wondering though? I mean, it's completely logical for you to want to break up with me considering the circumstances."  
"Stop with that bullshit, Ty."

We stop swinging. Josh sets his milkshake down and crosses his arms.   
"You gotta stop." he rubs his forehead. "Do you want to be with me?"  
"Yes," I feel tears start to form at the corners of my eyes. I can tell Josh is mad at me. I hate when he's mad at me.   
"Then why are you so stuck on pushing me away? Acting like this'll never work? It pisses me off."  
"I don't want you to leave."  
"I'm not gunna fucking leave. Christ."  
"Okay, sorry," a tear slips out of my eye and falls down my face. I hate how easily I cry.  
"I'm tired of having this conversation with you. Over and over again you put yourself down. It's getting old. I'm sick of it."  
"Okay, I'll stop," I pull my shirt up over my mouth in an attempt to quiet my sobs.   
"You don't trust me," he shakes his head. 

There's a silence between us that makes me feel cold. The sound of crickets fills the space between us. I want to say something. Tonight was not supposed to be like this. I'm too nervous to speak so I tap my knees with my fingertips. 

"So much for our romantic night," Josh snorts and shakes his head again.   
"I'm sorry."  
"Then why did you have to-" he raises his voice but quickly stops himself.   
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," I'm crying now. I'm so mad at myself for messing this up.

"You mean so much to me," Josh's voice isn't angry anymore, it's soft. "I don't- fuck...I don't want you to think I'd ever leave you because of such a small flaw." I nod my head.   
"If this thing is gunna work, you have to trust me."  
"I do trust you," I sniffle.   
"Do you really?"  
I pause and think. I really think. I know Josh would never purposely hurt me. I know he understands my situation and he's considerate about it. And I know he cares about me. It's my own insecurities that get in the way.   
"I'm trying," I finally answer. "I'm trying," I repeat quieter. 

There's more silence. I want desperately to crawl into Josh's lap and cry into his shoulder. I stop myself from doing that. I watch the fireflies blink in front of me, distracting myself. 

I'm taken by surprise when Josh lifts me up in a quick motion and sets me on his lap in a fetus position. He wraps his arms around me as tight as possible and I lay my head against his chest. We start rocking back and forth again. I feel a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders. Neither of us speak for a long time. I cry in his arms. It's the kind of cry that hurts your chest. The kind of cry that takes your breath away. Josh kisses my forehead which gives me an overwhelming feeling of peace. The mood of this night has changed so rapidly. 

"Oh Tyler," Josh sighs. He rubs my back. I've stopped crying now. "I hate it when I make you cry."  
I sniffle, "I'm trying to be good for you."  
"You are good for me. You are so so good for me, angel," he coos. I feel dizzy.

I close my eyes and hold on to Josh tighter. There's a slight breeze that tickles the leaves above us and I feel as if I'm in a movie. The scene of Josh and I is rather unrealistic. I'm living inside of a movie that never ends. Josh wipes away my tears with his fingers. 

"Josh."  
"Hm?"  
"I think I'm in love with you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LOL.


	27. I think, I think, I think too much. Pt. 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **HEY**  
> the first flashback takes place after chapter seven :) enjoy.

6 months ago. 

Josh's POV

"You can stay here tonight, it's no problem," Pete hands me a beer from his fridge.  
"Thanks," I grab the drink. 

I'm currently sitting on a friend of mines couch in his apartment. My knuckles turn white from holding on to this bottle so tightly. I'm not mad. Well, maybe a little. I'm mad at Tyler. I'm mad at myself. 

"Isn't that something. A homophobic guy roommates with a gay guy," Pete chuckles and takes a sip of his beer.  
"He's not homophobic," I correct him, "he's just, I don't know."  
"Homophobic."  
"No. Ugh, you're not helping."

Walking out on Tyler was difficult but I didn't know what else to do. I know he isn't "homophobic". I know he doesn't hate me. But his reaction to Jesse rubbed me the wrong way. I wish he wasn't so stubborn. I wish he'd actually talk to me. 

"So tell more about this not homophobic roommate of yours," Pete says.  
"Um...fuck, okay. He's 19 so he's quite a bit younger than me. It's his first year a Stanford. He moved here from Ohio. Columbus, Ohio. He came from a very religious, conservative household but he's not like, annoying about it. He totally isn't. He's quirky and smart. Like super smart; but also really shy. It's weird. He gets embarrassed easily and he stutters a lot when I talk to him which is really cute-"  
"Holy shit," he interrupts me.  
"What," I glare at him  
"You totally have a crush on this kid."  
"What? Oh no fuckin way," I scrunch up my face and shake my head.  
"Yes, you do."

Yes, I do. And it's driving me fucking crazy. Tyler is driving me fucking crazy. Why is it that I always seem to develop feelings for guys I can never have? Not only is Tyler straight, but he also probably hates me. I should suggest for him to move rooms. I don't know how I got myself into this situation. I always fall for straight guys. It's like I'm cursed or something. I desperately want to return to my dorm and tell Tyler everything. I want to tell him that I've been obsessed with him since the day we met, since day I laid eyes on him. I remember so clearly how nervous he was. I couldn't help but smile when he talked. He was the most adorable person I've ever had the pleasure of being in the same room with. I couldn't tell him that. I could ruin everything. I may ruin my chances with him. I shake my head. What chances? I'm dumb for even thinking I have any kind of chance with him. He's way out of my league in every possible way. I should just give up.

"Josh?" Pete snaps his fingers.  
"Huh?"  
"Are you like- in love with him or some shit?"  
"God, no. I'm not in love with him," I chug this bottle of alcohol in my hands. If we're going to have this conversation, I can't be sober. "I've only known him for a like a week."  
"So? I'm pretty sure I've fallen in love with someone the day I met them."  
"No, no, I'm not fucking in love with him. Yet."  
"Shit dude. He must be quite a catch, huh."  
"Yeah. Something like that," I grin and finish off this beer. "Another?"

 

Present day.

Josh's POV

The crickets are so fucking loud. I can't think about anything other than how loud the crickets are. But I have to think fast. I can't sit here in silence forever. What do I say? Tyler thinks he's in love with me. That can't be. There's no way this boy in my lap, this angel, loves me. How could he? God, the crickets. 

A minute passes. Two minutes. Five minutes. Silence. I can't open my mouth to speak even if I wanted to. I can't move. I can't do anything but hold Tyler. His head is resting against my chest. I peak down at him. The moonlight is bright enough for me to see his main features. His eyes are closed, eyelashes curled perfectly on his cheeks. His perfectly sloped nose is barely touching the fabric of my shirt. His lips, his pretty mouth, is relaxed. His breathing deep and heavy. He's so beautiful and I'm so in love with him.

In my head, I go over the events of tonight. After we left our dorm I was so sure everything would go perfectly. How naive. This is not what I had planned. I need to wake Tyler up. I need to talk to him. I need to here is voice. I need him. 

I run my fingers through his hair. He smells like roses. I want the smell of him permanently imbedded in my brain. Why can't it be like this forever? I take his hand from on my shoulder and enter lock my fingers with his. He cuddles his head into my chest. And fuck, I don't want to wake him up because he looks so peaceful. 

3 weeks ago. 

Josh's POV

"I love your tattoos," Tyler tells me. His head is on my chest and his fingers are outlining the sleeve on my right arm. He does this a lot. 

We're laying on my bunk. It's only 7am but Tyler woke up early and he gets lonely in the mornings so I had to get up with him. I'm definitely not complaining. I love spending time with him. I rub one of my hands across his bare back, the other is holding his hand. Our legs and feet are overlapped at the end of the bed. We've been laying here like this for about 10 minutes now. I like to watch him. 

"Do you want tattoos?" I ask him.  
"I dunno. Probably not," he sighs.  
"I figured." I nod.  
"Why?"  
"You don't look like a tattoo kinda guy," I grin at him and he frowns.  
"Well maybe I'll get a lot of tattoos just to prove you wrong."  
"They kinda hurt," I warn him.  
"Didn't you tell me a while ago that it didn't hurt that bad?" Tyler snorts.  
"I think my pain tolerance is a bit higher than yours," I ruffle his hair and he giggles.  
"You don't even know me," he says under his breath, still grinning.  
"I do too know you," I sit up and pull Tyler onto my lap so that we're chest to chest. I kiss him softly on the forehead before connecting our lips for a quick peck. I watch Tyler's face brighten before kissing him again, a bit longer this time.  
"Mmm," I hum into the kiss. I pull away.

"I really like you," Tyler mumbles.  
"I really like you, too," I reply, rubbing my thumb across his cheek. He closes his eyes and smiles. I lose my breath at the sight of him. Man, I really really fucking like him. 

 

Present day. 

Josh's POV

"Tyler," I whisper. "Ty, wake up."

His eyes stay closed but he furrows his eyebrows. I rub my hand against his back and watch his face relax. I pull him up from his underarms and stand up carefully.  
"Hold on tight," I tell him and he slowly wraps his arms around my neck, burying his head into my shoulder. He secures his legs around my waist. 

I cautiously walk back to the dorms holding Tyler. He mumbles incoherently as I walk up the stairs to our room. I pat his back. When I enter our dorm, I let Tyler's body slide off of mine until his feet touch the floor. I lay him down on his bunk and he rubs his eyes. 

"Hey," I sit on the edge of the mattress. Tyler tugs at his shirt and I help him get it off along with his pants. Flashbacks from the night he got too drunk to think appear in my head. 

After my shirt and pants are off as well, I climb in bed with Tyler and pull the covers up on top of the both of us. I snake my arms around Tyler from behind and nuzzle my nose into the back of his neck. He tilts his head backwards to meet my touch. 

"I love you," I whisper to Tyler. "I love you so much." 

And suddenly everything feels right. I'm where I'm supposed to be here. Here feels perfect. I don't know how I got so damn lucky. I lightly squeeze Tyler in my arms and he hums. 

"I love you, too," I hear him say quietly.  
"Say it again," I smile.  
"I love you," Tyler sighs.  
"Again."  
He turns over and we're face to face, my arms still around him.  
"I love you," he presses his nose against mine and although it's dark I know he's smiling. I raise one of my hands up to his face and touch his cheek.  
"God," I shake my head, rubbing our noses together.  
"What is it?"  
"Nothing, it's just, I never thought I'd hear those words come out of your mouth."  
"Me neither."

Tyler puts his hands on my chest. Our noses are still pressed together. I close my eyes and focus on Tyler's breathing.  
"Go back to sleep," I tell him. He nods and I feel his body relax against mine. His head falls slightly. I listen to his breathing as I drift to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiii i know it's short but i wanted to give u guys this as soon as possible i hope u liked it :o


	28. Real

Tyler's POV

"I've only been on a plane once and I was like 7," Josh tells me as we get the rest of our things together. Our plane leaves at 10am. It's only 6:30am now but we're about to head to the airport. I've always been taught to arrive a few hours early just in case.   
"Where'd you fly to?" I ask.   
"Colorado. We went skiing. I broke my arm."  
"I love skiing," I smile.   
"Of course you love skiing," Josh throws his bag over his shoulder. I finish tying my shoes and grab a jacket. It's always cold on planes. 

I check my messages. Zero. My mother and father won't be home when we arrive. They informed me of this last night. They're always so busy on the weekends which is strange. They have an appointment with someone, somewhere, at sometime. Lexi is coming for dinner tomorrow night and I'm excited to see her.

"You almost ready?" Josh asks.   
"Yes," I fold my jacket over my arm and tap my fingers on it nervously. Josh notices the gestures and walks over from the door to me.   
"We're gunna be fine. Everything is gunna be fine," I just nod. He sets his things on the floor and places his hands on my cheeks. "I love you," he touches his nose to mine. I grin and close my eyes.   
"I love you," Josh kisses me once on the lips and we walk out of our dorm.

The drive to the airport isn't as long as I remembered it to be. The taxi ride from the airport to Stanford seemed like hours. That was such a long time ago. Josh parks his car in the airport parking lot. He takes his keys out of the ignition and we sit here while the heat seeps in through the doors.   
"Josh?"  
"Yes?"  
I sigh, "Do you think we could like, I don't know," I press my fingertips into my knees. Josh grabs my left hand raises it up to his mouth. He places a kiss on my palm.   
"It's dumb," I look at him.   
"What is it, Tyler?"  
"I wanted to be like, like a couple. Just for today. I mean, I don't think anyone I know would see us and I just wanted to know what it would feel like to be a real couple, you know. Holding hands and being real people for once. I don't know."  
"That sounds nice," Josh opens his car door and steps out. I sit alone in the car momentarily before getting out and walking around to the trunk where Josh is getting his things. He hands me my bags. Once we have all of our luggage in hand Josh shuts the trunk and places his hand on my back, pulling me in. He kisses me hard on the lips and I would've fallen backwards if it wasn't for Josh's hand. I attempt to pull away at first but give in and let Josh guide my lips. He stops kissing me and turns around. Swiftly walking away from me, he leaves me standing behind his car. 

"Why?" I yell to Josh who's now a few yards ahead of me.   
"Real couple," he yells back, turning around and walking backwards for a few steps. 

I catch up to him before we enter the cool building and wait in line for our bags to be checked. Josh holds my hand while we wait. It's 7:00am now and I'm hoping to keep myself busy until it's time to board. I really dislike anxiously waiting for things to happen.

Once our luggage is checked we walk hand in hand to the food court to get breakfast but I'm not hungry. 

"You need to eat," Josh tells me.   
I stare at the bagel and coffee in front of me with a disgusted look on my face. "C'mom just a few bites."  
"A bagel is only a few bites. If I eat a few bites I'll eat the entire thing," I pout.  
"One bite," Josh picks up the bagel and waves it in front of my face. I shake my head. "Then drink your coffee."  
I pick up the mug of hot coffee and take a few sips. Josh watches me as I set the cup down.   
"What," I say as Josh continues to stare.   
"What are our plans for today?" he asks.   
"Not sure yet," I respond, "I don't think we'll be doing anything today, since we'll probably be tired from our flight and stuff."  
"Do you usually sleep on flights?"  
"Sometimes. I don't think I will today though."  
"Why not?"  
"I dunno," I smile, "I thought we could talk."  
"Hmm, okay, we can talk. If you finish that bagel."  
I look down at the bagel I haven't touched yet, "Are you kidding?"  
"Nope," Josh takes a bite out of it, he already finished his, "you really need to eat before our flight. You'll be starving by the time we land if you don't."  
I take the bagel out of Josh's hand and bite into it. "It's gross," I say while I chew. I swallow and take a large drink of my coffee, washing down the stale bite. 

As time passes, I start thinking about how to avoid exposing Josh and I's relationship to my parents. It's become almost second nature for me to be with Josh romantically. Sometimes I don't even notice when I climb onto his lap or snuggle into his chest. I can stop myself when we're in public but sometimes I do slip up. I'm nervous I'll make the mistake of giving something away. Josh knows about my irrational fears. We've talked about this trip for a long time. I want everything to go perfectly. 

We leave the small food court and sit down where our plane will be boarding.  
"I think we should make this a regular thing," Josh rubs the back of my head, ruffling my hair.  
"What? Sitting in airports all day?"  
"Going on trips together," he smiles.   
"Okay. As long as you take me anywhere but my parents' house."  
Josh reaches over and grabs my hand. "I love you."  
"I love you, too," I whisper.   
"Really, I do."  
"I know you do."

Josh takes his phone out of his pocket and checks the time.   
"Almost 9:30."  
"We should go to the bathroom before we board. I hate the bathrooms on planes. I always think I'm going to die in one of those."  
"Alright," Josh snorts and stands up, not letting go of my hand. "Let's go."

We walk to the men's bathroom together. There's a few other people in the restroom when we arrive but they slowly start to clear out until it's only Josh and I. Josh finishes before me and he watches as I wash my hands thoroughly. He stands by the door and when I throw away the paper towel that just dried my hands he raises his arm up and locks the door. My stomach drops immediately. I look at Josh's face and he crosses his arms.   
"No way," I shake my head.   
"No way what?" Josh smirks, taking a few steps towards me.  
I step backwards and Josh walks me into the wall so I'm unable to escape.   
"You have no idea how much I want to make you come right now," he lifts my shirt up, places a hand on my chest, running his fingertips across my nipples. "You just look so fucking good today. Your hair," he uses his free hand to grab my hair and pull backwards so my head is against the wall, "your sweatpants," he lowers the hand from under my shirt to the top of my pants. He tugs at the waist band and huffs, "I love these pants on you."  
"We're gunna-" I groan when Josh sucks on my neck, "miss our flight, Josh."  
"I can make you come in three. Less than that, I swear."   
I'm starting to get hard and I hate Josh for doing this to me now. Right now while we're on our way to see my parents. I'm so tempted to give in, let Josh do whatever he wants to me but I know I can't. I can't.   
"We can't," I cry out. Josh's hand is so close to being down my pants and I don't have the strength to remove it.   
"Okay," he stops immediately. He steps away from me, he looks almost satisfied. My heart is beating rapidly and I'm so incredibly turned on. I regret ever turning down his offer. 

"Well, c'mon. We're gunna miss our flight," Josh smiles at me kindly and unlocks the door. He exits without another word. I look at myself in the mirror and pull down my shirt which is a bit wrinkly now and follow Josh out. 

I speed walk back to our spots and notice a short line of passengers. Spotting Josh at the end of the line, boarding pass in hand, I sigh and grab my carry on. I join Josh in line.   
"Where have you been?" he jokes.   
"I'm gunna get you back, one way or another."  
"Can't wait."

As we get settled in at our seats I notice how cold it is even with my jacket on.   
"It's freezing," I tell Josh.   
He frowns, "I'm sorry."  
"It isn't your fault," I assure him.   
"Yes, but, that's what couples do. They apologize all the time. Especially when it's unnecessary." I roll my eyes at him.

"Ty," Josh grabs my attention.   
"Huh?"   
"We're gunna be alright."  
"I know," I grin. He reaches for my hand and takes it into his own. His thumb rubs circles into my skin and I feel safe, sitting in an airplane seat, about to be thousands of miles above ground. That says something about us. It says something about him. 

When the plane takes off and the feeling of nervousness is barely noticeable, I look out of the window to the right of me. I admire the view. I've always flown during the day when the sun is out and the clouds are high. Someday I want to fly at night or during sunset. 

Josh doses off about an hour into the flight and I rest my head on his shoulder. So much for talking. I listen to his breathing. It's soothing. I keep my hand in his. I can't fall asleep because I have too much on my mind. I'm really good at overthinking. I almost want to wake Josh up so I can vent to him but I don't. I want him to sleep. I don't want him to worry about me. Josh is really good at worrying about me.

~

"Josh," I poke at his cheek, "Josh."

A man over the plane's intercom informed us that we should be landing in about 10 minutes. My hands are shaking. 

"Wake up," I whisper in Josh's ear. He slowly opens his eyes and squeezes my hand. I haven't unattached my hand from his the entire flight.   
"Are we there?" he rubs his eyes.  
"Almost."  
"I'm fucking starving."  
"We can get something at the airport or on the way," I tell him.   
"Are you nervous?"   
"Yeah, a little," I admit.   
"You act like we're going to meet my parents," Josh grins.   
"Aren't you nervous at all?" I pull my hand away from his and play with the strings on my jacket. I turn my head towards the ground and breathe deeply.   
"I mean, I'm nervous to meet your family. I want them to like me."  
"That's it?"  
"Do you want me to be terrified or something? I don't understand-"  
"No, no," I sigh, "I'm being dramatic."  
"It's okay," Josh interlocks our fingers again. "No matter what goes down this weekend, I'm gunna be with you from beginning to end. You can trust me."  
"Okay."  
"Look at me," he says softly. I pick my head up. "I promise."

Unable to do anything but smile and nod, I rest my head on Josh's shoulder again and wait for the plane to land. I'm so thankful to have Josh. I'm so thankful. 

I feel the familiar feeling of ground below us as we finally land in Ohio. Josh rubs my hand with his thumb again. I close my eyes and try my best to be patient. I've calmed down a bit after talking to Josh. I'm now facing the consequences of not eating but a few bites of breakfast this morning as my stomach begins to growl. I knew I should've eaten but I was stubborn and anxious and couldn't bring myself to. I need food as soon as possible. 

The plane comes to a complete stop and everyone begins to unbuckle their seat belts. That was the shortest plane ride of my life. I'm slightly jealous Josh slept most of the way. I didn't sleep much last night. I'm excited to be back in my bed, a real bed. The bunks we sleep in aren't very comfortable. I will miss sleeping next to Josh, though. I've gotten used to falling asleep in his arms. This weekend will be quite an adjustment. 

I look around me and see people standing up, grabbing their carry ons, and leaving the plane one by one. Josh hands me my bag and I take it. I'm still sitting down.  
"Hey," Josh sits back down beside me.   
"Hi," I reply quietly.   
"Are you tired?"   
"Yes," I nod.   
Josh grins, "You look so cute when you're tired."  
"Stop," I blush.   
"Lets go, angel. Are you hungry yet? I bet you're starving." I stand up and follow Josh down the isle. 

~

I buy a sandwich while Josh waits for our luggage. I eat most of it on my way back to Josh. He's sitting on top of his suitcase looking at his phone. When he sees me he slides it into his back pocket and rolls my suitcase towards me. I quickly finish the sandwich in my hand; which didn't taste half bad surprisingly.   
"You ate that whole fucking thing already?" Josh snorts. "You didn't save any for me?"  
"I was hungry," I grab the handle of my suitcase.  
"Were you? I wonder why."

Josh and I walk together with our suitcases rolling behind us. When we reach the sliding glass doors leading towards the exit of the airport, I see a line of parked taxis waiting to take people to their final destination. As much as I dislike taxis, I could really care less right now, I just want to be home. Yet, the thought of being in my house again brings tears to my eyes. 

We exit the airport. Josh gets a taxi for us and loads up the trunk with our things. I tell the driver my address. It isn't very far from here. I buckle my seatbelt and Josh buckles his and we're on our way. I remember that my parents won't be home for a while when we get there. That's a bit of a relief. It'll give Josh and I some time to prepare. Well, it'll give me some time to prepare. 

"How long is the drive?" Josh leans over after a couple minites and whispers into my ear   
"Not sure," I whisper back.   
"When will your parents be home?" he continues the quiet conversation.   
"I don't know. Maybe, like, an hour. I'll have to ask when we get there."  
"I'm gunna make you come so hard all your neighbors hear you scream," my eyes almost split open from the shock. The driver heard that. There's no way he didn't hear that. 

Josh sits upright in his seat again. It's suddenly very hot in this car. I wait a few minutes before speaking again, giving myself time to cool down. I lean over to Josh, "Are you out of your mind?" I say with gritted teeth.   
"What's the problem?" he says sarcastically. His voice is now above a whisper.   
"We aren't the only people in this car. You know that right?" I say as quietly as possible.   
"Really?"  
"Yes," I roll my eyes.   
Josh moves his fingers over to mine on the seat and connects them. "You're cute when you're embarrassed."  
"I'm not embarrassed."  
"You are," he giggles.   
"I'm actually not," I wiggle my fingers on top of his.   
"So you won't mind me saying I can't wait till we get to your house so I can-"  
"Shh. Stop, that's not funny," I cut him off.   
"Why are you smiling?"  
"Stop," I try to ignore the corners of my mouth wanting to form into a smile. I sit back up and look out of the window. I press my nose against it. I want to ask the driver to turn the air conditioning on because I'm nearly sweating. 

It feels like hours before the taxi turns on the street leading to my house. He drives slow, allowing me to look at all of the neighboring houses. I reminisce on my childhood. I grew up here. It feels strange being back. It's exciting nonetheless. I see my house and notice it hasn't changed much. It hasn't changed at all actually; same big red door, same bushes growing against the brick, same 'Welcome' sign hanging next to the flowerpots beside the door.   
"We're here," I say aloud. The car slows to a stop so I unbuckle my seatbelt and jump out of the car. I hear Josh thank the taxi driver for the ride and pay him before stepping out. I grab my luggage and set it on the hot pavement. Josh reaches in for his suitcase and helps me with my bag as we walk to the front door. I bend over and move the flower pot to the left of the door, retrieving the spare key that's been hidden under it for as long as I can remember. I unlock the door and open it. Immediately, I'm hit with the familiar smell of my own home as the cold air floats out onto our faces. I step inside, followed by Josh, and close the door. 

I roll my suitcase a few feet away from the door before Josh grabs me from behind. He wraps his arms around my front and kisses my neck. I giggle and hit his arms. I start walking, Josh's arms still attached to me.   
"Let's go to my room," I suggest  
"Mmm, let's," Josh smiles into my neck. 

I run up the stairs, leaving my luggage by the door. Entering my bedroom for the first time in months is overwhelming.   
"Ariel!" I shriek and climb onto my bed. Ariel's my cat. I've missed her.   
"A cat," Josh site down on the edge of my bed, "how did I not know you had a cat?"  
"I guess I never mentioned her," I scratch the top of Ariel's head and she purrs. I slide my shoes and socks off. Josh stands up and ventures around my room. He squats down by my bookshelf and runs his fingers across the backs of my books.   
"I used to read a lot in high school. I kinda gave it up when I graduated," I tell him. He stands up and walks over to my dresser. His eyes scan across the top. He picks up the bible sitting on it up and examines it. He sets it down and picks up a candle.  
"Enjoying yourself?" I ask.  
"Yes, very much," he smells the candle. He joins me on my bed again. He runs his hands across my comforter.   
"Your room is exactly how I imagined it."  
"How did you imagine it?"  
"Really clean and really cute," Josh falls backwards and sighs. He lays his head on one of the throw pillows resting by my bed frame. "C'mere." He raises his arm up. I crawl over to him, trying my best not to bother Ariel who has fallen asleep at the end of my bed. I lay down beside Josh with my head on his chest and he secures his arm around me.   
"Aren't you hungry?" I ask.   
"I'm okay."  
"I can make you something. There's probably-"  
"I'm okay, angel, really," he assures me. He pets my head. "Do you feel less nervous now that we're here?" I nod. "Good."

Josh kisses my cheek, then my jaw, then my neck. Very slowly. I shiver when his teeth brush against my neck. He very gently kisses back up to my mouth. I turn my body so that I can kiss him more comfortable. He wraps both of his arms around me. My arms stay pressed against his chest. The kiss is very calm, it's nice. Obviously it doesn't stay calm for long. Things never just stop here. Not with Josh. I can feel the energy between us start growing and the air feels heavier. Our lips start moving faster. Josh puts his hands in my hair, then under my shirt, then back to my hair again. Our hands keep moving. They don't stay in one place for long. I let my guard down. I let myself stop caring so much. I let Josh lift my shirt above my head and throw it on the floor. 

Josh lifts me up on top of his lap. His back is against my headboard. Our chests are pressed together. I can hear and feel Josh's deep breathing. I stop kissing him and tug at the hem of his shirt until he helps me take it off. I stare at his body. I rub my hands all across his chest and arms. I sit on his lap and just feel him. 

"I've been semi-hard all fucking day," Josh breathes against my neck. I stop the movements of my hands.   
"How come?"   
"Don't know," he answers and gives me a peck on the lips.   
"What do you want to do?" I swallow hard.   
"What don't I want to do," he reconnects our lips. He places his hands on my hips. I hear Ariel jump off of my bed and can't help but to giggle into Josh's neck.   
"She doesn't want to watch apparently."


	29. Tomorrow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> nsfw!!!!

"Josh," I say in between kisses.  
"Yes," Josh kisses down my jaw, placing  
his hands on my thighs.  
"My parents, they could be home any second," I pant.  
"Fuck, you're killing me," Josh throws his head back, hitting it on my wooden headboard.  
"I'm sorry," I slouch over. I put my hands on Josh's shoulder.  
"It's okay. I'm not thinking clearly," Josh says kindly.  
"I wanna be careful is all."  
"And we should be careful," he moves his legs slightly and I climb off of his lap. We return to our original position. I tap on bare chest with my fingers. We're both still breathing hard and my heart rate hasn't slowed down completely. 

After a few moments of silence I hear the front door open and immediately jump out of bed. I reach for my shirt, pulling it over my head.  
"See, I told you," I fix my hair in the mirror and Josh stands up.  
"I could've made you come twice before they got home if you weren't so fond of that fucking cat," he hugs me from behind. I continue messing with my hair. "You look beautiful," Josh takes my hands away from my hair.  
"Okay," I sigh. I can feel my pulse in my neck. "Put your shirt on." Josh groans put complies. I look at my red cheeks in the mirror and frown.  
"I'm still hard," Josh whispers into my ear, wrapping his arms around me again.  
"Well get rid of it," I tilt my head backwards so I can see Josh's face. He smiles cheekily.  
"Let's go down," Josh kisses my cheek and releases me from his arms. I nod and we exit my room. 

As we walk down the stairs I keep my eyes in front of me. I need to remember to keep focused. Don't give anything away. Act normal.  
"There you are," my mother smiles and wraps her arms around me before I get a chance to speak. I hug her back and take in the smell of her perfume. It's the same kind as when I last saw her. It's been the same kind for years.  
"Hi," I take a step backwards and see my dad. I smile at him and he smiles back. "Um, Josh," I look over to him and he looks less nervous than me.  
"Josh Dun," he reaches his hand out to shake my parents hands.  
"Kelly Joseph. So good to finally meet you," my mother shakes his hand first.  
"Chris Joseph," my father shakes his hand very sternly but keeps a smile pressed against his face.  
"I see you left your luggage downstairs," my mother glances at our bags.  
"Oh, yeah, sorry. I just really wanted to see Ariel and," I pause, "and Josh-"  
"I had to pee. Really bad, yeah," we make eye contact briefly and I hold laughter in.  
"That's alright. Did you show Josh the guest room, Tyler?"  
"Um-"  
"I have it all set up," my mother walks to the kitchen and sets her sunglasses down. I hear my father tell Josh to follow him. I look behind me and watch Josh grab his luggage walk up the steps leading to the guest room. 

"Tyler?" my mother gets my attention.  
"Huh?" I turn my head around.  
"How was your flight?"  
"Oh, it was good. Josh slept the whole time, so..." I trail off.  
"He seems nice," she walks over to the sink and turns the faucet on. She begins washing her hands. I turn around to see if my father and Josh have returned. They haven't.  
"He's a little different than I expected," she raises her eyebrows as she dries her hands on towel.  
"Why? Because it's weird for boys with tattoos and piercings to attend a school as pristine as Stanford," I snap at her. She looks shocked and I smile nervously, trying to make my words seem less harsh. I didn't mean to get so defensive.  
"He's just different. Not bad. Different," she corrects me. "Hungry?"  
"I ate at the airport but Josh is." I turn my head to the stairs again.  
"I can make something small for the both of you," she suggests, "ravioli?"  
"Yeah, that'd be great, thanks," I sigh in relief when I see Josh walk around the corner. My mother starts searching the kitchen for ingredients. She turns the faucet on again and starts filling a pot with water. Josh sits down at the counter in a stool next to me.  
"What took you so long?" I whisper to him.  
"Just getting to know my boyfriends dad," I clear my throat. 

My mother sets the pot of water on the heated stove to boil and turns to face us.  
"Tyler said you were hungry so I'm making ravioli, is that okay?"  
"Yes, of course, sounds great, thank you," Josh grins with his teeth. She smiles and leaves the kitchen. I exhale a deep breath.  
"You need to calm down," Josh rubs my back.  
"I'm fine," I tell him.  
"You're not fine. You're way too stressed out. Prolly cus' you're horny."  
"I'm not," I hit Josh on the shoulder. "Please shut up."  
"Okay," he steps down from the stool, "do you mind showing me where the upstairs bathroom is?" he leans against the counter. I slide out from my seat and roll my eyes.  
"Follow me," I start walking up the stairs. I hear Josh's footsteps directly behind me. I reach the top of the stairs and turn around. Josh always runs into me. "It's down there, to the left," I point. Josh's eyes look towards the direction of my finger.  
"What if I get lost?" Josh crosses his arms. I do my best to keep a straight face. We stand face to face until Josh turns around with a smile. He walks off and I blow air out of my mouth.

I walk back down the stairs to help my mother cook. Josh leans against the stairway and watches me. He doesn't move or speak, he just watches me. It's quite distracting so I make conversation with my mother. I ask her about things I honestly don't care about. She rambles on and I listen. Josh makes himself known again by walking into the kitchen.  
"Hey," he says.  
"It's almost ready," I tell him. He looks at me confused. "The food," I motion to the noodles cooking on the stove.  
"Oh, yeah," he nods. 

I pour warm sauce onto the noodles. I've eaten this meal a thousand times at least. It's still one of my favorites. I mix the sauce and the noodles around in the big bowl in front of me. I can feel Josh's eyes on me. My mother sets two smaller bowls on the counter and I fill one with ravioli. I reach into the silverware drawer and grab a fork. I take the bowl and fork to Josh.  
"I'm not hungry," I tell my mother and she places the extra bowl back into the cabinet. She kisses me on the head. 

"I'm going out to get some groceries," she exits the kitchen and picks up her purse that she had sitting on the large dining table. "Remember Tyler, big dinner tomorrow night. Everyone will be there. I'm going to be cooking all day long."  
"Okay, I can help," I lean against the counter.  
"Oh no, that's alright sweetheart. You should just relax this weekend. Maybe you and Josh could go do something. A movie maybe?"  
"Okay," I nod.  
"Okay, good. I'll be back soon," she grins.  
"Thank you for cooking Mrs. Joseph," Josh adds.  
"Oh you're welcome, dear," my mother looks very pleased as she walks out of the front door. 

"It's good," Josh says with his mouth full. I giggle and sit next to him. "We should go out tomorrow," he swallows.  
"There's not much to do around here," I tell him.  
"We'll find something to do."  
"Okay."

"A big dinner, huh?" Josh pokes a noodle with his fork and shoves it into his mouth.  
"Yeah, just some family friends. And Lexi will be there." Josh nods. "You aren't nervous?"  
"Should I be?"  
"Well, no-"  
"Then I'm not nervous," he raises his eyebrows. "Are you?"  
"Yes."  
"Why?" Josh looks at me concerned.  
I shrug, "I'm always nervous when we have a lot of people over. I want them to like me."  
"You said they were friends," Josh leans back and crosses his arms.  
"Friends of my parents," I look down.  
"Everyone likes you, Tyler. How could they not?"  
"Doesn't make me any less scared of them."  
"I'll sit beside you. It'll be okay."  
"I know it will," I smile.  
"Where's your dad?" Josh asks.  
"Probably in his office working."  
"Hm," Josh hums.  
"Don't get any ideas," I shake my head.  
"Ideas? I was just curious," he stands up and takes his empty bowl to the the sink. I follow Josh into the living room. He sees the piano against the wall and presses a key. He looks up at me. 

"I used to play. I stopped years ago," I sit down at the bench. Josh stands behind me. I set my hands on top of the keys and press down. The sound echoes through the house.  
"Play me something," Josh squeezes my shoulders.  
"I don't know if I remember how," I admit.  
"Try."  
I nod and position my fingers on the keys and start playing a piece I learned when I was probably 12 or 13. As I continue playing I'm shocked by how much I remember of the song. I guess I played it so much that it's forever in my memory. I keep my head down and focus on hitting the right notes. I feel Josh's hands move from my shoulders to around my waist. He puts his head on my shoulder, his cheek is pressed against mine. He kisses my neck softly. I ignore the chills spreading across my body. His hands slowly start moving down my torso. He presses a hand against my crotch and I tense up immediately. I shouldn't be surprised by Josh's actions. I should have seen it coming. I try to keep playing the melody without making any mistakes but as Josh slides a hand down my pants I start pressing the wrong keys. I clench my jaw. My stomach tightens. The song I started playing is now just flat notes and messy cords.  
"Sounds lovely, babe," Josh whispers into my ear.  
I want to tell him to stop but I can't because I really don't want him to stop. He continues to jerk me off and my self control is gone. I remove my hands from the keys and press my palms into the piano bench. I bite my tongue. My throat is filled with moans that I'm not allowing out of my mouth.  
"Why'd you stop?" Josh asks. He stops jerking me off and my eyes widen.  
"Why did you?" I breathe.  
"I miss the music."  
"You're so mean," I gasp for air. I begin playing again and Josh slowly starts stroking me. It's nearly impossible to keep the song going.  
"Am I still mean?"  
"Yes," I moan. He stops again and I whine. "No, you aren't mean," I correct myself. "Please."  
"That's what I thought," Josh sucks on my neck, increasing the speed of his hand motions. I lean my head back and groan. My fingers fumble on the keys. I hear Josh snort. I know we aren't alone in the house. I know my father could walk down and see us any second. I shouldn't be so careless.  
"Josh," I say his name softly.  
"Gunna come?" he asks.  
"Yeah," I groan.  
"So soon?" he's very amused. I hate that he has such control over me.  
I arch my back and slam my hands against the keys. My hands are shaking too badly to play. I moan and Josh uses his free hand to cover my mouth.  
"Shhhhh," he shushes me. I choke for breath. I feel my orgasm approaching and clamp onto the bench for support. I shriek into Josh's hand as I come in my pants. Josh laughs. He laughs and removes his hand from over my mouth. He takes his hand out of my pants and wraps both arms tightly around my body while I shake and recover.  
"You are so cute," Josh says. "Can you walk?" I nod. Josh helps me up from the bench. We walk up the stairs giggling like school kids. I lay down on my back while Josh fetches me a clean change of underwear.  
"Top drawer," I tell him. He grabs a pair a briefs and sits on the edge of my bed. He hands them to me.  
"Thanks," I sit up in bed and fidget with the underwear in my hands.  
"Don't tell me you're shy," Josh smirks. I smile and slip my pants and partially wet briefs off. I put on the clean pair and slip my sweatpants back on over them. 

"What happened to being careful?" Josh lays down beside me.  
"You put your hand down my pants. That's what happened." Josh laughs. "One day you'll learn your lesson," I warn.  
"Yeah? You think so?"  
"Yeah, I do. I should spank you right now," I hold in a smile.  
"Yeah," Josh raises his eyebrows.  
"Yeah," I say and Josh grabs my waist and pulls me onto his lap.  
"Stop," I laugh. He turns me over and spanks me while I giggle and try to wiggle away. We hear the front door open. We both stop laughing and Josh lets me out of his hold. I stand up.  
"Hey," Josh grabs my wrist and pulls me around to face him. He kisses me sweetly on the lips. "Love you."  
I turn around and walk down the stairs. I can't stop myself from smiling. 

"Hey," I greet my mother at the front door.  
"Would you help me with the groceries?" she asks.  
I walk with her to her car while Josh stands on the stairs watching. I grab a few bags and take them inside.  
"What are you making?" I ask her. She starts explaining the meal to me while we put the ingredients away but I don't really listen. My eyes stay on Josh.  
"Tyler?" I hear my mothers voice say my name.  
"Yes?" I snap my head away from Josh.  
"I asked if I should serve rolls or garlic bread."  
"Oh, um," I close my eyes momentarily to think. "Garlic bread. For sure."  
"That's what I was thinking. See I've always wondered..." She starts rambling on again. I look back at Josh. He raises his hands and mouths the word 'What' at me. I shake my head and look away.

When we're finished with the groceries, we all sit at the dinning table and talk. Josh gives details about his family and my mother asks about the classes he's taking. She also asks if I'm a good roommate and Josh assures her that he couldn't have wished for a better one. I blush as he showers me with compliments. My father joins us eventually and him and Josh really hit it off. They talk about guy stuff. Stuff I was never interested in. It's amazing how well Josh is getting along with my family. I don't know what I was so nervous about.

"So," my mother looks at Josh, "do you have a girlfriend?" My stomach drops.  
"Um," he looks at me, "yes, actually. I do." I glare at him.  
"Well, I'm sure she's wonderful," my mother looks at me and nods.  
"Oh, she is. She's very-" Josh sighs. "She's very good for me." I smile.  
"I've met her," I speak up. "She's seems nice."  
"Does she have friends?" my mother raises her voice.  
"Mother," I shake my head.  
"I've been trying to get Tyler to find someone for years now-"  
"I'm sure he'll find the right girl eventually, Kelly," my father smiles.  
"Yeah," I sigh and roll my eyes. 

The short conversation between my family and Josh put me in a bad mood. As I get ready for bed I begin to regret not telling them right then and there. I should have. I hate that I'm so scared of them. They're my family, the people I should trust the most. 

"Tyler," Josh rests his head on my shoulder while I finish brushing my teeth. "I know you're upset. I didn't mean to make you upset." I move over to dry my mouth on a towel and Josh picks his head up.  
"It isn't you," I turn the bathroom light off, "it's them." I walk into my room.  
"I'm sorry."  
"I don't know what to do anymore," I climb into bed and turn the lamp beside my bed on. Josh shuts the door behind him and switches the lights off. I lift the covers off of my legs so that Josh can join me. He slides into my bed and I cuddle up next to him. "I want to tell them."  
"You can tell them as soon as you're ready," Josh runs his fingers through my hair and I relax.  
"I want to tell them now."  
Josh stops moving his fingers and looks at me, "Now?" he sounds taken aback.  
"Not like, right now, but," I sit up and face him, "this weekend."  
"Really?"  
"Yes," I take a deep breath, "I want them to know, Josh."  
"Okay, okay," he sighs, "you've been so set on not telling them for so long, you know."  
"I know," I lay my head down on Josh's chest. "Being with you, like, really being with you changes things. I don't want to be just your friend anymore."  
"You know you're more than that," he pokes me, "you know that," he says.  
"And I want everyone else to, too. I'm in love with you," I look into Josh's eyes. "I want everyone to know."  
Josh smiles widely and sweeps my hair backwards with his hand.  
"Will you be there with me when I tell them?" I ask.  
"Of course."  
"Thank you," I grin, "now get out," I sit up and push him playfully. Josh looks at me shocked. "You can't sleep in here. No way," I cross my arms.  
"Oh come on, Ty," Josh sits up.  
"No," I shake my head, "my mother wakes up early. She might come in here and check on me. She can't see you in bed with me."  
"Well you're gunna tell her anyways, aren't you," Josh smiles and stands up out of my bed.  
"Yes," my eyes follow Josh as he walks around to my side of the bed, "but I'd like to tell her and my father together."  
"M'kay," Josh kisses me, "I'll just sleep alone. All the way across the house," he says sadly.  
"It's across the hall-"  
"Alone. Cold. All by myself," he steps backwards.  
"Goodnight," I tell him.  
"Goodnight," he opens my door, "And Tyler?"  
"Yes?"  
"I love you," he whispers.  
"I love you, too."

Josh closes the door. I sit up in bed for a minute or two before turning off my lamp and lying down. It's the first night in a while sleeping without Josh. I miss him. I miss him a lot. I drift off to sleep quicker than I thought I would. 

~

When I wake up I turn over and frown when I realize Josh isn't beside me. I step out of bed and stretch. I pick out an outfit for today and put it on. I walk across the hall to where Josh is sleeping. The door is closed so I figure he's still asleep. I brush my teeth before returning to the guest room. I open the door and peek my head inside. Josh isn't there. I frown again and walk down the stairs. I hear Josh talking as I reach the bottom of the stairs. I see him sitting eating a muffin with my mother and father standing on the other side of the counter. I stand quietly for a few moments, taking in the scene in front of me. Eventually my mother notices me standing. 

"Good morning, Tyler. Come down and eat," she points to the plate of fresh muffins in front of her.  
"Hi," I sit down beside Josh.  
"Hey," he smiles.  
My mother serves me a muffin and glass of cold milk. It feels too weird. I should be happy that Josh is getting along so well with my parents. It may make a difference when I tell them about us. But I'm not happy because I know once I tell them this will all change. Everything will change. I give a fake smile to everyone as I eat. Tonight. I'm going to tell them tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> look at me updating on a semi regular basis :o i know it's hard to believe but this fic will probably be finished within a month or two! wow. (if i continue updating regularly) but do not worry this will not be my last fic. i already have something new planned. did you read my one shot? i wrote something a little different for you guys. i hope you like it idk :/ ok well here's this chapter enjoy leave me comments love you bye


	30. Memo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sad

Josh's POV

I don't get scared often, and when I do, I'm very good at concealing it. I've learned over time that being scared is pointless. What happens, happens. There's nothing you can do to change it. But when Tyler told me he wanted to come out to his parents I immediately felt scared. I should have felt relief. I should have felt anything other than fear.

For such a long time I didn't have to worry about anyone other than myself. I was safe when I was alone. Falling in love was not part of my plan. I worry for Tyler. I woke up this morning worried for him. I'm sitting beside him now, his family standing a few feet away, and I'm worried about him. He has told me countless times what would happen if his parents found out about us. At the times he was telling me I didn't feel any emotion another than anger. Knowing that he's actually going to tell them he's gay scares the shit out of me. I don't want anything bad to happen to him. 

Fuck. I'm actually considering asking Tyler not to come out this weekend. I'm really letting the fear get to my head. When he told me he wanted to tell them he seemed so sure of himself. For the first time since I met him he was confident in something. I can't ruin that. If this is what he wants then I'm going to be right beside him, supporting him, holding his hand. Whatever it takes. 

As the day goes by, the more nervous I become. It was Tyler's idea to have a picnic by the lake. As romantic as it sounds, my mind can't focus. I'm too distracted and Tyler knows it. 

"You aren't eating," Tyler frowns.   
"I know. Big breakfast," I lie. We're sitting together on a blanket with our legs crossed, under a tree that provides plenty of shade. I'm watching Tyler eat strawberries and admiring the way bites into them. He does it very softly, as if he'll hurt the fruit if he isn't careful. That makes me smile.   
"What's wrong?" Tyler asks me. I'm so used to being the one to ask that question. It feels funny to be on the other side of it.   
"I'm a little worried," I admit.   
"About me telling my parents?"  
"Yeah," I shake my head, "it's stupid. I just want everything to be okay."  
"I thought you wanted me to tell them," Tyler looks down. He picks up another strawberry and nibbles on it.   
"I-" I inhale, "I thought I did. I don't know. I don't want you to tell them because you think I want you to. You should tell them because you want to."  
"I do want to!" he exclaims. "But now you're acting like you don't want me to."  
"Tyler," I say quietly, "I want you to be happy. If coming out to your parents will make you happy, then you should do it."  
"I don't think it'll make me happy. That's not why I want to tell them."  
"Then why?"  
"Because I'm tired of pretending to be someone I'm not. I'm tired of lying to them. I just want them to know so they'll stop acting like I'm their perfect son, you know?"  
"I understand," I reach over and grab Tyler's hand.   
"I don't care anymore," he continues, "I don't. I don't care if they threaten to stop paying for my college. I don't care," his voice cracks. I know deep down he does care.   
"Remember I'm going to be right beside you." Tyler nods.   
"I wanna tell them tonight. After everyone leaves."  
"Okay."

Talking to Tyler relieves some of the tension I've been feeling and I'm able to eat again. I need to remember that Tyler's situation is a lot different than mine. My family was supportive of me, his probably won't be. I have no idea what I'm going to say to comfort Tyler afterwards. I don't know where I'm going to sleep tonight. I doubt Tyler's parents will want me in their house. I guess I'll figure it out when the time comes. We'll figure it out together.

On the drive back to Tyler's house I push all of the negative thoughts in my mind away and focus on Tyler. He's driving a lot slower than I do. I love watching him. Everything he does is so interesting. I could watch him eat a bowl of cereal for half an hour and stay entertained. 

When we enter the house, my nose is immediately filled with the aroma of something delicious. I predicted Tyler to walk straight for the kitchen and greet his mom but he does the opposite. He puts his finger to his mouth and sneakily sets the car keys on the counter. I follow him upstairs to his bedroom. He closes the door once we're inside his room.   
"I just want some time alone," he lays down on his bed and pats the space beside him.   
"Okay," I smile teasingly. We lay shoulder to shoulder.   
"Not that kind of time alone," he blushes. He interlocks our fingers.   
"You good?" I turn my head to face him.   
"Yeah," he lowers his voice. "I love you."  
"And I love you," I squeeze his hand. I watch a small grin appear on Tyler's face, only for a moment before disappearing. "We're gunna be okay," I say.   
Tyler furrows his eyebrows. I wait for him to speak, watching his features change. He opens his mouth, as if about to say something, but closes it shortly after. We lay beside each other with our hands interlocked. I close my eyes and start to drift off to sleep. A knock on Tyler's door causes both Tyler and I to panic. Our hands separate and I stand up. I rub my eyes. I was almost asleep before the knock.

"Yes?" Tyler's voice yells shakily.   
"Dinner at around 5," his mother says through the door, "are you alright?"  
"Yes, I'm just," he looks around nervously, "changing clothes."  
"Okay. Come down when you're ready. And bring Josh."  
"Okay. Just a second," Tyler walks to the dresser against his wall and opens a random drawer. 

A loud boom of thunder echoes through the house causing Tyler to jump. He leans against his dresser with his head down. I approach him from behind and put my arms around him.   
"Hey," I whisper, "it's okay." The sound of rain hitting the roof is quite comforting. I hold Tyler until his breathing is back to normal.   
"I just want to tell them and get it over with," Tyler says.   
"I understand that," I smile.   
"We should go down," he nods. He slips his current shirt over his head and puts on a different on.

The smell coming from the kitchen makes my mouth water in anticipation. I'm excited to eat despite my nerves.   
"I expect people to start showing up in about 30 minutes or so," Tyler's mother informs us while placing a dish into the oven. "Have you talked to Lexi?"  
"Yes, she's coming," Tyler responds.   
"Would you set the table for me?" she asks.   
"Sure," Tyler leaves my side and opens a cabinet of plates. He carries a few to the dining room and starts placing them around the table. 

"I like watching you," I say, making my voice as quiet as possible.   
"Watching me do what?" Tyler leaves the room for a moment and returns with more plates.   
"Watching you do everything," I grin.   
"Why?" he blushes.   
"I don't know. You do everything so elegantly."  
"Thanks, I guess," he exits the room again and comes back with a hand filled with silverware. He carefully places a fork and knife beside every plate. I notice how large the table is.   
"How many people are gunna be here?" I ask.   
"Not sure."

Tyler finishes setting the table. He seems a lot less nervous than he was before. I selfishly hope he doesn't go through with tonight. The chances of it going well are slim and I don't want to see him upset. I've grown used to him being upset and I fucking hate it. It's unfortunate how he was raised. I would trade places with him if I could. 

The door bell rings. Has it been 30 minutes already? I doubt it. My stomach is slightly aching for food so I'm not complaining. Tyler's dad answers the door and I hear excited chattering coming from the other room. Tyler nudges me and jerks his head, signaling me to follow him. 

I watch from a few feet away as Tyler hugs a tall girl with slightly faded pink hair. Lexi. I stand awkwardly to the side while they reunite, admiring Tyler's smile. He looks excited.

"Josh," Tyler pulls me over by my arm to join them.  
"Hi Josh," Lexi smiles and hugs me.   
"Hey. Nice to meet you," I smile back. I feel slightly out of place. Tyler's mom comes from the kitchen. "Tyler has told me so much about you."  
"Has he?" I look at Tyler and smirk.   
"Oh yeah. You're all he talks about."  
"Ha ha," Tyler says jokingly.

More people begin to show up and I grow a little tired of shaking so many strangers hands. I see Tyler blow air into his cheeks every time a new person arrives. I can't imagine how many times he's been through this. I find it exhausting. I'm not used to being around so many people in this type of setting. 

As time goes by we slowly move into the dining room and take our seats. I'm sitting at the end of the table with Tyler who's sitting next to Lexi. They haven't stopped talking yet. I'm glad Tyler has such a good friend. I wish she was on campus with us. Then again, I like having Tyler all to myself.

"Who's ready to eat?" Tyler's mom projects her voice from across the table. A hum of excitement fills the room. Tyler stands up from his seat to help his parents start serving the guests. Everyone begins talking amongst themselves while we wait.   
"Telling them tonight, huh?" Lexi leans over and whispers.   
"Um, yeah," I whisper back nervously.   
"Good luck," she smiles dismally.  
"Hey," I grab Lexi's attention again, "have you always known that Tyler was..."  
Lexi nods before I even finish my sentence, "I didn't exactly know but I suspected. We've been friends for a long time, so, I picked up on a lot of things."  
"You'd think his parents would know too, wouldn't they?"  
"I don't know, maybe," she shrugs.   
"Talking about me?" Tyler returns to his chair.   
"Of course," I sit up properly in my own chair. Tyler takes a seat in between me and Lexi. 

Dinner begins. I eat slowly, listening to the outrageously boring conversations between everyone. Tyler looks very unamused by it all. 

"Tyler," a woman puts in, "how are you adjusting to college life? Doing well?"  
"It's a lot more complicated than I thought it was going to be," Tyler answers. A few giggles erupt from the table. "But I think I'm doing good, so far anyways," he nods, taking a bite of his chicken. I slide my hand under the table and tap Tyler's knee. He places his hand in mine, hiding the action under the tablecloth. 

The conversation swings to another topic, and another, and another. Tyler participates as much as possible, keeping his hand in mine. It seems like we've been sitting here for an entire day.  
"How long do these things usually last?" I ask Tyler.   
"Why? Getting bored?" he grins.  
"Only a little," I whisper. "The food's good-" Another loud crash of thunder rolls throughout the house, shaking the table. Tyler squeezes my hand and I snort.   
"I'm sure you haven't been missing this weather, Tyler!" someone says as the thunder fades. Everyone laughs.   
"I miss it sometimes," Tyler says. He smiles but it's very forced. We're both ready for this dinner to be over. 

It feels like hours go by before people start leaving. Lexi and Tyler say their goodbyes. I watch Lexi hug Tyler and give him a reassuring smile. Once everyone's gone, Tyler and his parents start cleaning up. I offer to help but am told not to bother. I use the bathroom located beside the living room. I look into the mirror and take a deep breath. I know what's about to happen but I can't wrap my mind around it. I never knew this day would come so soon. I always expected Tyler to leave me. But he didn't. He chose to stay. I exit the bathroom. I see Tyler's nose pressed against the window occupying a large portion of the wall in the living room. His eyes are calm and focused on the raindrops hitting the front porch. 

"Tyler," I say, pressing my nose against the glass with him.   
"Hi."  
"How are you feeling?"  
"I'm okay," his breath leaves a spot of fog on the cool window, "a little nervous."  
"Are you ready?" I hear the sound of dishes clanging.   
Tyler doesn't answer me immediately. He stares blankly at the rain. Then a smile creeps onto his face, "Yeah."  
"I love you," I say to him.   
He removes his nose from the window, "I love you, too."

We walk to the kitchen. My heart is racing inside of my chest. I can feel my pulse throughout my body. Tyler looks very composed, very calm.   
"Mother, father," Tyler says with a strong voice.   
"Yes sweetheart?" Tyler's mom yells, hands still moving from the sink to the dishwasher. Tyler's dad is placing leftovers into the refrigerator.   
"Can I tell you something?" I look down briefly and see Tyler's hands shaking.   
"Yes," Tyler's mom stops what she's doing and turns around "what is it?"  
Tyler looks at me. I nod at him and he looks away. The room is suddenly silent.   
"I'm gay." The words flow out of Tyler's mouth without any hesitation. The room goes silent. A good thirty seconds pass before there's any movement or sound.  
"What?" Tyler's mom says with shock on her face.   
"Yeah," Tyler nods and crosses his arms, "I'm gay."  
"Stop," Tyler's dad closes the refrigerator and turns to face us. "What is going on?"   
"I'm gay," Tyler repeats himself a third time with just as much confidence in his voice. I can't help but smile.

Tyler's parents look at each other. They both have furrowed eyebrows and very confused looks on their faces. I can hear Tyler's breathing. I wait for something to happen. The world could explode any second and I wouldn't be surprised. 

"Well!" Tyler yells and throws his arms up. "What are you going to say?"  
"Tyler," his mom takes a few steps forward, "I don't know what happened during those few months of college but-"  
"You want to know what happened?" Tyler's voice stays raised. He grabs my hand.   
"Oh God," Tyler's dad scrunches up his face and turns around.   
"Tyler," Tyler's mom shakes her head. "This isn't you."  
"This is me-"  
"No, it is not! I did not raise the boy standing in front of me to be the way you think you are," she yells.   
"I don't think I'm gay mother. I know I'm gay. I've always been gay."  
"You aren't gay, Tyler," his father chimes in.   
"You may think you like this boy," Tyler's mom turns her nose up at me, "but you really don't, honey. You don't and you need to realize-"  
"I'm in love with him," Tyler tightens his hold on my hand.   
"Shut the hell up already!" Tyler's dad screams. Tyler flinches and I can see him start to lose his peaceful attitude.  
"Chris," Tyler's mom whispers.   
"No. Not in my house."  
"Let's just talk this out," she continues. "Tyler, look at me." Tyler glares at her, trying so desperately not to let his fear show. "You need to ask him to leave now."  
"No," Tyler shakes his head. "No, he's not leaving."  
"He's gotten into your head, he's made you believe things about yourself that are not true. Now, if you do not ask him to leave-"  
"What are you gunna do?"   
"Whatever it damn well takes to get him out of this house!" Tyler's father yells.   
"You can't take him away from me." A tear falls down Tyler's cheek. I watch helplessly as he breaks down in front of me.   
"Then we'll take you away from him," the sentence comes out of Tyler's dad's mouth like knives.   
"You can't fix me!" Tyler screams. His fingernails are digging into my skin. "I can't be fixed."  
"Calm down," Tyler's mom says.   
Tyler laughs, tears falling down his cheeks, "Calm down?"  
"Yes, calm down."  
"I'm calm," he takes a deep breath. He wipes his cheeks with his hand.  
"Kelly, if that boy doesn't get out of this house..." Tyler's dad says with his teeth clenched.   
"I'll leave," I finally speak up. Tyler whips his head around. He looks me in the eyes and shakes his head. He looks beyond terrified.   
"No," he continues shaking his head, "no. No," he looks at his parents.   
"This is not what God wants for you Tyler Robert. You know that," Tyler's dad says. His voice is still bitter.  
"Listen to your father," Tyler's mom nods.   
"No. Listen to me," Tyler sobs. "I'm gay. I'm not going to change. I'm not going to pretend to be someone I'm not, I've done that for almost 20 years now. If being with Josh means I'll spend an eternity in hell," he looks at his parents with conviction on his face, "then I'll take the eternity."  
"You are not my son!" Tyler's father lunges forward and screams into Tyler's face.   
"And I don't want to be!" Tyler screams back.   
"Ty," I pull him close to my body.   
"Stay out of it or so help me God..." Tyler's dad points his finger at me. If Tyler weren't beside me right now I don't know what I'd be capable of.   
"Stop it!" Tyler's mom covers her mouth with her hands.   
"Let's just go, Tyler," I say to him as calmly as possible.   
"He's not leaving with you," Tyler's dad raises his finger at me again.  
"You aren't leaving, Tyler," his mom quietly agrees with her husband.   
"I'm not staying here with you people," Tyler speaks up.   
"We're your parents," Tyler's mom says.   
Tyler shakes his head. "No," he cries. "You aren't my parents."  
"Stop with that nonsense," she says back to him.   
"You'd rather me suffer my entire life while being straight than let me by myself. You don't love me," Tyler sobs. His hand is shaking in mine.   
"That's not true," Tyler's mom takes a few steps towards us.   
"But you won't accept me."

I know I should walk out of this house right now and take Tyler with me. Things are only going to get worse. The words are only going to get harsher and I want to save him from that. But I can't make him leave. I'm keeping my mouth shut. I have a few things to say to his parents but I can't get involved, not right now. 

"We don't have to accept you," Tyler's dad presses his lips together.   
"Then I'll leave," Tyler says.   
"Why don't you stay. Come to church with us tomorrow. I'm sure you'll feel better afterwards," Tyler shakes his head while his mom speaks to him.   
"I don't need church."  
"You need-"  
"I don't need anything from you anymore!" Tyler let's go of my hand and slaps his hands against the counter top. "I don't need your money, I don't need your support, I don't need any of it!" His face is red and covered in tears.   
"Get out," his dad spits. "Leave!"  
Tyler nods slowly. The house is quiet again. Tyler's dad looks me in the eyes and I have to stop myself from beating the living shit out of him. I begin waiting again for something to happen. Tyler's hands are still on the counter top. I stand behind him, not moving, not breathing. He then nods one more time and turns around. He walks straight past me. 

"Tyler," I follow him to the door. He opens it and walks out of the house, into the pouring rain. "Tyler," I say again. He doesn't stop walking. Why didn't his parents call his name? Why aren't they chasing after him? He's their son. Why don't they care? I catch up to Tyler and grab his shoulder. I attempt to stop him from walking but he shrugs my hand away. "Stop, Tyler. Talk to me please," I plead with him.   
"No."  
"Where are you going?" He doesn't answer my question. He doesn't know where he's going. I need to calm him down but I can't get him to look at me. We've reached the end of the driveway now and we're walking down the street. It's raining hard. We're both soaking wet and cold. I have to do something. "Tyler, fuck." I run in front of him but he just turns and walks past me again. I grab him and he fights me. He pushes against my chest and tries to get away but I hold him tightly in my arms.   
"I just wanna leave," he screams, "I wanna leave."  
"Then we'll leave but you have to listen to me, can you listen to me?" I say as soothingly as possible while yelling. It's too loud out here to speak normally.   
"I hate them," he's still pushing against me, struggling.   
"I know you do. We need to get somewhere dry," I tell him. He still won't look at me. "Where can we go? Do you know some place we can go?"  
"No, I don't know," he shakes.   
"What about Lexi? Would she let us stay with her?"   
"I don't know. Maybe," he sniffs.   
"Okay. Good. Can you call her, Tyler? Can you call her for me?" Tyler reaches into his pocket and retrieves his phone that's surprisingly not soaking wet. He calls Lexi and hands me the phone. A few rings later and she picks up.   
"Hey, it's Josh. Can I ask a favor?"

We stand together in the storm waiting for Lexi. I don't try to talk to Tyler. I imagine he's still in shock. He's stopped crying though. 

When Lexi picks us up we ride in the backseat silent the entire ride. It's deafening. I don't know what to say. For the first time in a long time I just don't know what to say. I watch the raindrops fall down the window beside me. We pull into Lexi's driveway after about a 10 minute drive. 

"Your parents won't mind?" I ask her as we enter her house.   
"They aren't home so," she smiles.   
"Oh," I nod, "good."  
Tyler stands by the door without any expression on his face. He's shaking and there's rainwater dripping from his shirt to the floor underneath him.   
"Um," Lexi looks at Tyler, "we've always kept an extra pair of each other's clothes at our houses just in case. It's surprising how many times that's come in handy," she tells me. "I'll go...get the clothes." She walks away.   
"Hey Tyler," I say to him, "we're gunna get you some dry clothes and then you can sleep." He just stands and blinks. 

When Lexi comes back with Tyler's dry clothes she hands them to me along with a towel. She shows me where the guest room is. I thank her and lead Tyler to it. I set the towel and clothes on the bed and shut the door. 

"Tyler. Can you look at me." He doesn't look at me. "I'm going to take your wet clothes off and put you in these dry ones, is that okay?" He nods. "Okay."

I start by pulling his shirt over his head. He lifts his arms up as I take it off of him. I lay the towel over his shoulders. He grabs it and pulls it close to his wet body. I unbutton his jeans and tug them down his legs with his underwear He steps out of them. The wet clothes are in a pile on the floor; a plastic bag to hold them didn't even cross my mind. I help Tyler put the dry clothes on. Once he's dressed I help him into bed. I turn around to leave but he grabs my wrist.   
"Stay," he says below a whisper.   
"I'm just going to get rid of your wet clothes." His hand doesn't let go of my wrist. I take it as I sign that I should wait until he's asleep to leave the room. I sit down on the edge of the bed and he loosens his grip on my wrist. I push the wet hair on his forehead back.   
"I'm so sorry," I coo. He closes his eyes. I wish I could do more for him. It's difficult knowing that I really can't. Why did his parents have to be so cruel? I keep replaying their words in my head over and over again which is only making me angrier. For Tyler's parents sake, I'm glad my love for Tyler is stronger than my hatred for them. 

I keep running my fingers through his damp hair, watching his eyelashes flutter on his cheek. He's finally asleep. He looks so peaceful, so beautiful. I try not to cry. I have to be strong for the both of us. I remember my clothes are still wet. I stand up and kiss Tyler on the forehead, making sure he's warm before grabbing his wet clothes and exiting the room. I close the door behind me, and walk back into the living room to see Lexi sitting on the couch eating a bowl of cereal. 

"Hey," I say and she turns her head towards me.   
"Is he asleep?" she asks.   
"Yes," I stay standing beside the couch.   
"Oh," she stands up and sets her bowl on the table. "Let me dry these," she takes Tyler's clothes out of my hand.   
"I have some dry clothes for you," she walks into another room, "and I ran down to Walmart and got some underwear. Just some cheap briefs if you want them," she returns with a stack of clothes and a package of underwear.   
"Thank you."  
"It's an old shirt and a pair of shorts. They're my dads. I hope that isn't weird or anything."  
"No, it's okay. Thanks. For everything," I smile.   
"You're welcome."

I decide to change into the clean clothes in the bathroom instead of in the guest room. I don't want to wake Tyler up. When I'm dressed I walk back into the living room where Lexi's sat on the couch.   
"Here," she stands up, "let me dry your clothes too." She leaves the room again to put my clothes in the dryer along with Tyler's.  
"Did he talk to you?" she asks when she returns.   
"No," I shake my head.   
"Damn," she sighs. She sits down again. "Come. We can talk," she taps the open space of couch beside her. I walk over to the couch and sit down. "So what happened?"  
"Exactly what I thought would happen."  
"So they didn't take it well," she frowns.   
"No. Not at all. I have no fucking idea what to do now."  
"You be there for him."  
"He won't talk to me. He won't even look at me," I explain.   
"I think he will eventually," she reassures me.  
"I hope so," I sigh deeply. There's a short silence before either of us speak again.   
"You love him, don't you?" Lexi   
"Yes," I answer, "yeah, I do."  
"I can tell."  
"I want him to be happy. I'm scared he won't be happy with me," I admit.  
"He is happy with you. He told me over the phone that for the first time in his life he's genuinely happy."  
"But how long will that happiness last?"  
"Why are you so negative? It's giving me a headache."  
I snort, "Sorry. I'm used to things not going my way."  
"Yeah and so is Tyler. He's been under his parents control his entire life. He's never been able to decide things for himself. And now that he's finally stuck up to his parents, they aren't going to be nice about it," Lexi explains.   
"I'm scared for him."  
"Me too."  
"What if they stop paying for his college? It'll be my fault."  
"It's not your fault. Tyler chose to tell them. He took that risk. You can't blame anyone but his parents."  
"Yeah but if I would have just-"  
"Would've what? Stood up to his parents? Robbed them?"  
"Would've stopped him from telling them."  
"You would've been a real big asshole if you'd stopped him."  
"Maybe," I shrug, "but at least everything would be okay."  
"That's bullshit. Tyler needed to tell them."  
"Why? I wouldn't have cared if he kept us a secret from them. It doesn't matter to me," I shake my head.   
"It wasn't about you. It was about him. He had to tell them."  
"Why? Why'd he have to ruin his own life?"  
"Have you ever felt like were being held captive in your own life?"  
"No."  
"Then you wouldn't understand."

Lexi and I don't speak for a while. I think about what she said. I understand a lot better now why Tyler told them. He explained it to me but I didn't fully understand until now. I'm proud of him. I hope he's happy. I hope he learns to love himself like I love him. Like Lexi loves him. He's better off with out his parents, truthfully. I think he knows that. 

"I think I'm gunna go to bed," I say.   
"Yeah, it's late," Lexi and I stand up from the couch. We walk to the hallway where the bedrooms are located.   
"Goodnight," she whispers as I open the guest room door.   
"Goodnight."  
"Josh," she says my name. I step backwards out of the room. "Don't give up on him, okay?"  
"I won't," I promise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey here's an update. ill try to post every week from now on but no promises. leave me comments!!!!


	31. Sleepless

Josh's POV

I didn't sleep well at all. It took a while for me to fall asleep, and I kept waking up in the night. I had to make sure Tyler was okay each time I woke up. I'm awake now, laying on my side, and looking at Tyler. He's sleeping soundly. I'd like to believe he's dreaming about something good. Maybe he's dreaming about us living happily ever after. I reach my hand over and caress his face with the tips of my fingers. I trail them down his cheek to his lips. I remember the day when I put my fingers to Tyler's lips and he bit my finger. That was months ago, in the very beginning. How naive we were back then. Tyler didn't care about much other than me. I wouldn't change anything about the beginning if I could. 

Tyler opens his eyes. I take my hand away from his face. He closes them again, inhaling through his nose, and exhaling through his mouth.   
"I didn't dream last night, did I?" he says.   
"No," I tell him quietly. He nods and keeps his eyes closed. "Do you want to talk?"   
He shakes his head, "I'm hungry."  
"Let's go find you something to eat then," I sit up in bed. Tyler opens his eyes but stays laying down.  
"What time is it?" he asks.   
"It's almost 9."  
"We have to go," he jumps out of bed, "we have a flight. We have to get our stuff from my parents house," he paces around the room.   
"Our flight's at 3, Tyler. We have plenty of time," I stand up and walk over to him. His eyes are wide and partially red. "It's okay," I put my arms around him. He hugs me back. I feel relieved to have him in my arms again. It feels so nice.   
"C'mon," I rub his back, "let's eat breakfast."  
"Okay," he sighs into my shoulder. I keep my arms wrapped around him. I'm not ready to let him go yet. Eventually I remove my arms around him and we walk out of the room.

I smell bacon when we pass through the living room. I follow the smell into the kitchen.   
"Good morning," I say to Lexi, whose back is facing the both of us.   
"Good morning guys," she turns around to greet us with a spatula in her hand. "I'm making some scrambled eggs. And some bacon," she points her spatula to the plate of greasy bacon on the counter.   
"Thank you," I smile and grab a piece of the bacon. I bite into it and look to Tyler. He's standing silently beside me.   
"Hungry, Tyler?" Lexi asks.   
"Yes," he says.

Lexi finishes making the eggs. We all fix our plates and sit down at the table. Tyler starts eating immediately after sitting down. He must be really hungry.   
"What time is your flight home?" Lexi asks.   
"2. We should probably get to the airport around 12," I answer Lexi. She nods and takes a bite of her eggs.   
"I wish we had another day to hang out. We didn't get to talk much," she smiles.   
"Yeah, me too."  
"Next time."  
"Yes definitely," I grin. 

The room is very quiet. I can tell Tyler is upset. I wish he would tell me exactly what's on his mind. I'm hoping once we get back to our dorms he'll talk to me a little more. I imagine he needs some time to think everything over. Last night happened so fast. If my parents ever spoke to me the way Tyler's did, I'd have no clue how to react. I need to give him some space while he adjusts. I'm a little impatient, though. 

Once we're all finished eating, I change back into my now dry clothes. I know we have to go pick up our luggage from Tyler's parents house soon. I'm worried about what they'll say to him. I'm worried about what they'll say to me. 

"We should go now," Tyler says. I've just returned Lexi's dad's clothes to her. Tyler's sitting on the bed with his hands in his lap.   
"We still have a little time," I urge.   
"I want to go now," he insists.  
"Okay. We can go," I put my hands on my hips. 

Tyler stands up and walks past me out of the room. I don't know what to do next. I feel helpless. If he would talk to me it'd get easier for the both of us. I can't figure out why he won't talk to me. He always talks to me. Maybe I haven't been persistent enough? I don't know. It hasn't even been a full day yet. He's tired and overwhelmed. Patience, I remind myself. Patience. 

Lexi offers to drive us to Tyler's house to get our luggage. It's still drizzling outside. The weather has been nasty since yesterday. I don't know how Tyler lived here for so long. I can't fucking stand it. I assume he's gotten used to it. I guess I'd get used to it too if I lived here for 19 years. 

We pull up to the house. Tyler unbuckles his seat belt and steps out of the car without any hesitation. I follow him to the front door.   
"Are you sure I should go in with you?" I ask.   
"It's Sunday. They aren't home," Tyler picks up the extra key located where he last placed it, and opens the door.   
"Oh, right," I mumble as we enter the house.

Tyler goes to his room and packs his things and I go to the guest room where I only slept one night. When I get done I walk over to Tyler's room to see him sitting on his bed petting his cat. I lean against the doorway and watch him. I'm so fond of him. He looks peaceful right now. It seems that the only good thing that came out of this weekend was that cat. 

The ride to the airport is silent. I'm dreading the plane ride home. I'm dreading being alone in a dorm for Tyler for the next week. I don't know how to help him. I wish I did, but I don't. Now we're sitting in a room filled with sad and lonely people waiting for our plane to board. 

I look over at Tyler. His face is blank, eyes empty, lips in a slight frown. I want to kiss him. I would do anything to just be able to hold him in my arms right now. Hold him until all his pain goes away. He'd never let me do that, though. At least not right now. He won't even look at me. Jesus Christ, why won't he look at me? I should have talked to him more this morning. Now I'll be stuck on a plane for 7+ hours unable to properly talk to him. I'll be wondering what's going on in his head the entire flight. I doubt I'll be able to sleep either. Okay. Maybe I need to relax a little. I may be overreacting.

We board the plane. I zip up my jacket after I sit down, realizing it's cold. Tyler sits down in the seat next to me. I notice his short sleeves. I unzip my jacket pull it off the best I can while being strapped down by seatbelt. I hand the jacket to Tyler. He grabs the jacket from my hand but pauses before slipping it on. The sleeves are a bit too long for his arms causing him to have sweater paws. I smile. He looks so vulnerable.

The plane ride surprisingly flies by. I spent most of the flight looking at Tyler. His eyes were closed but I knew he wasn't sleeping. I think he was pretending to sleep so he didn't have to talk to me. I don't blame him, honestly. He wants some time to himself. We're taking a taxi back to campus now. I've missed the sunshine in California. If feels good to be back home. I'm not so sure Tyler feels the same way. 

"Are you hungry?" I ask him as we walk up the stairs leading to the dorm. He shakes his head. "You should eat. It's almost 5."  
"I need to shower," he replies without looking at me.   
"Okay," I nod, "me too."  
We enter our room. I start unpacking my things. I set my dirty clothes in the hamper and my clean ones back into the drawers. I overpacked. Tyler grabs some clothes and towel and exits the room. I finish unpacking and sit on Tyler's bed. I would go shower with him but it's obvious he's not in the mood for company. When he gets out, I'll go shower, and then try to talk to him. 

Tyler showers for a long time. After nearly 30 minutes of waiting for him to return, he enters our dorm with wet hair.   
"Did you leave any hot water for me?" I ask him jokingly. He just looks at me and tosses his dirty clothes into the half full hamper. Ouch. He really doesn't want to interact with me at all. 

There is hot water left. I rinse myself off very thoroughly, taking my time like Tyler. He seems very distant. I've never seen like this before. I knew him coming out would be hard but I had no idea the aftermath would be like this. I thought he'd come running to me for comfort. I thought he'd be closer to me then ever before. It's the opposite. It pains me to see him struggling. I turn the hot water off and begin drying myself. I step out of the shower. When I get dressed, I walk over to the mirror and look at myself. My eyes are swollen from lack of sleep. I put my fingers through my dripping hair. The blue is starting to fade. I need to re-dye it soon. I dry my hair with a towel and leave the bathroom. 

"Hey," I walk into our room and sit down next to Tyler.   
"Hi."  
"Will you talk to me?" I ask. Tyler doesn't respond. He looks down. "Tyler, c'mon. You have to talk to me-"  
"I don't have to do anything," he snaps. He raises his head up and looks at me for the first time in a long time.   
"What is the problem?" The crease in between Tyler's eyebrows is unsettling.  
"Why didn't you stand up for me?" he whispers. He puts his head back down. "You just stood there while they yelled at me," I don't take me eyes off Tyler as he speaks, "you didn't stand up for me."  
"I-I didn't want to intrude. I thought that's what you wanted. I'm sorry. I didn't know," I shake my head.   
"How could you not know?"   
"I had no right to get involved, Tyler," I stare my case.   
"If you loved me, you wouldn't have let them say those things without saying something back," he argues.  
"You think I don't love you? Ever since last night all I've been doing is worrying about you. You should've told me sooner why you were so upset," I cross my arms.   
"So it's my fault then," he sighs.   
"It's nobodies fault. Jesus, what's wrong with you," I look away and sigh.  
"What's wrong with me?" he raises his voice, "I just came out to my parents with no support from my boyfriend. I have no-"  
"No support from me? Are you fucking out of your mind?"  
"Will you let me talk!" Tyler yells. I clench my jaw. "I have no way to pay for college if they decide to stop paying for it. I don't even know if they'll ever want to see me again. That's what's wrong with me," he looks directly at me. I can see tears starting to form in his eyes.   
"They're your parents, don't forget that," I try to calm him down.   
"You always act like you know them," he rolls his eyes.   
"I don't act like I know them. I'm just saying they love you. I doubt they'll fully abandon you."  
"You still don't get it, do you?"  
"Tyler, listen-"  
"I'm getting tired of listening to what you have to say," he interrupts me.   
"Why are you acting like I'm the fucking enemy here?"  
"You're the whole entire reason why everything is messed up," he says harshly. My eye twitches at his words.  
"Oh," I nod slowly and stand up. I put my hands together in front of my mouth and take a huge breath to calm myself down. "I'm so very sorry I messed up your life. I never meant for you to fall in love with me."  
"You think this is a joke?"  
"This conversation is a joke, yeah," I raise my voice.   
"You said you'd be there for me. You weren't. I have a right to be upset."  
"I was right fucking there! The entire god damn time! I held your hand, I found us a place to stay, I changed you out of your wet clothes. Stop treating me like I'm a piece of shit. The people who raised you are the reason everything is messed up. They messed you up too," I rant.  
"Don't talk about them like that," Tyler defends them. He's really defending his parents.   
"Did you not hear what they said to you last night?"   
"Yeah, I did. Maybe some of the stuff they said was true," he admits.   
"Like what, huh?" I snort.   
"That they didn't raise me to be like this."   
"You know that's bullshit. You're gay," I mutter.   
"You know, sometimes I wish I wasn't!" he stands up and takes a step towards me. "Sometimes I wish I'd never met you. My life would be so much better if I hadn't!"  
"Fuck you!" I spit. Tyler takes a step backwards. A tear falls down his cheek but he looks so angry. The room goes quiet. Tyler and I stand in front of each other without speaking. I wait for him to return the hateful speech but he doesn't. 

"My mom called while you were in the shower. My parents spoke to the head of campus, got me a new room."  
I open my mouth and leave it open for seconds before speaking. "You're not serious," I say.   
"It's waiting for me now," he walks over to his suitcase and starts stuffing it with the clothes left in the dresser.   
"You can't leave. Not now," I try to reason with him. "Stay, Tyler."  
"I need to go," he cries.  
"No, you don't," I walk over to where he's shoving his things into his suitcase.  
"You don't need me anymore."  
"Maybe I don't, I grab his arm to stop him from packing, "but you need me. You need me."  
"I don't," he yanks his arm away.   
"Fuck, Tyler. Stay and talk to me," I plead.   
"No," he sobs. He zips up his suitcase. "This was a mistake."  
"Loving me is not a mistake," I shake my head. I feel my throat tighten.  
"I have to go," Tyler rolls his suitcase past me. I follow him to the door.  
"Tyler, don't fucking leave me. Don't do it," I continue shaking my head. I cannot let the only good thing in my life walk out of that door.   
"I don't belong with you! I don't belong with anyone!" he screams. Tears are falling rapidly down his face. His parents got to him last night. Something they said changed him. I shouldn't have said the things I said.   
"I love you," I whisper.   
Tyler looks hurt for a moment, like he might stay after all. "I don't love you," he lifts his chin up before turning around and walking out of the door. 

I stand with my hands numb at my side. I can't even process what just happened. I put my fingers in my hair and squeeze my eyes as tightly as possible.  
"Fuck!" I yell. I turn around and in one swift motion, I knock all of the contents sitting on the small desk in the middle of the room to the floor. "Fuck, fuck, fuck."  
I look at the mess on the floor and catch my breath. I messed up. I messed up so bad and I don't know how to fix it. Did Tyler mean what he said? That he didn't love me? I can't stop thinking about his face when he said it. He looked so serious.

'I don't love you' the words keep repeating themselves in my head. They won't leave me alone. I open the mini fridge and take out as many beers as I can hold in two hands. I have to get drunk so I can stop thinking. I know it's a bad idea but I don't care. I open the first bottle and drink until I'm out of breath. 

I don't even know where to find Tyler if I wanted to. Which I guess is a good idea because I'm two bottles into my binge and am already starting to feel the drug kick in. Shit, what have I done? I've never seen Tyler so angry before. I want him back. I would do anything to just talk to him again right now. My heart is breaking and I don't know what to do. 

~

I drink. My stomach burns. My eyes are shot. My head is foggy. I drink until I physically cannot move out of bed. I want Tyler so fucking bad. I want him. I need to call him. I need to hear is voice. I know it's late and he's probably sleeping, but I don't care. I look for my phone and see it on the floor beside my suitcase. I use my arms to prop myself up. I groan and stand up out of bed. I stumble a few steps to where my phone is located. Once it's in my hand, I unlock it and go to my contacts. My hands are shaking. I scroll down to the T's in my contact list. I see Tyler's name with an angel emoji by it. Once I'm back in Tyler's bunk laying on my back, I click on it and call him. I press the phone to my ear. It goes straight to voice mail. His phone must be turned off. I wait for the beep so I can leave him a message. 

"Tyler," I breathe into the phone, "I'm so fucking sorry. I want to see you, please, please, call me or something. I just," I sigh, "I miss you so much." I feel tears start to fall down my face. I wipe them away and continue talking. "I was wrong. I was wrong and stupid and an asshole. I need you, Ty. I really fucking need you. Please call me. Okay, that's it I guess. I love you. Bye," I end the call. 

I throw my phone to the floor and roll over to my side. I shove Tyler's pillow into my face and smell it. Christ, I'm a mess. I've never had a boy break my heart before. I'm always the one breaking people's hearts. It feels like shit, like, I feel like total shit.

I won't be able to stay awake for much longer. I'm too drunk to see straight and I didn't get much sleep last night. My nose is stuffed up from crying. I can barely breathe but I can smell Tyler's scent on his pillow perfectly. It's painful. Being awake is so painful. I let him go. I shouldn't have but I did and he's gone. I realize now how much I really need him. He's the love of my life. He's the first person I've ever fallen in love with. 

I fall asleep with the lights on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "YIU FUCKIH. BITHC WHY DO YOU MAKE EVERYOEN GO THROUGHT YHSO"


	32. Reconcile

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This isn't the last chapter.

Tyler's POV

I used to lie to Josh frequently. I would lie about little things in a way to prevent him from finding out the truth. I would lie to myself, too. I stopped lying to him once we were together officially. I trusted him. But I lied to him when I said didn't love him. I had to get him to leave me alone. 

Now I'm listening to the message he left me a few nights ago with tears steaming down my face. I've listened to it about 20 times. It's never less painful to hear. I hurt him. I'm hurting everyone around me. Why can't I stop? How do I fix it? Can I fix it at all? 

I haven't spoken to anyone since I've returned to campus. My parents have both tried calling me and have texted me at least a hundred times. I ignore them. I feel hatred towards them. I wish I had been born into another family. I wish my parents were like Josh's. But they aren't, they're cruel people. They ruined my self esteem, and probably my relationship, too. 

No, I ruined my relationship. I pushed away the love of my life. I pushed him away. I'm nothing but a coward. I've pushed away Josh, and God. I don't think he can help me. Why would he want to help someone like me? 

My empty dorm room is lonely. I'm completely alone in here with nothing to do but think. Thinking is my worst enemy. I want to call Josh. I want to see Josh. I have to see him. I need him. I wish I didn't but I do. 

I decide to take a shower. The water sends goose bumps up my spine and onto the rest of my body. I can't think about anything other than how cold the water is. Everything is so cold without Josh. Why did I have to be so dramatic? Why. Why. Why. 

~

I cry. I cry into my pillow. I cry loudly. I have a dorm room all to myself, so why not? I cry until my stomach hurts. It hurts from crying, and it hurts from hunger. Can't eat. Can't sleep. Can't stop crying. My phone rings. I reach over and grab it. It's my mother. I don't answer it. 

~

I stop crying. I stop thinking. I exit my dorm room. 

My feet lead me out of my dorm, down a flight of stairs, around the corner, and to my old dorm room where I'm hoping to find Josh. When I knock and there's no answer, I jiggle on the doorknob. Of course it's locked. That's why I brought a key. I open the door. Empty. No Josh. Tears form in my eyes. I don't blink. I let them fall. I walk over to my bed and see the covers and sheets messily thrown back and a slight indent on the pillow. I look up to the top bunk and see the bed is perfectly made. Josh has been sleeping here. I climb under the covers, nuzzling my head into the pillow, face first. It smells like him. It smells like his shampoo and his hair and him. I haven't even been an entire week without him and I'm a mess. He was right, I need him. I need him. 

I know I shouldn't, but I climb out of bed and open the mini fridge. I grab a beer. I turn the cold beverage over in my hand. Condensation forms on the bottle and spreads across my fingers. I roll the drink into my other hand and wipe my wet one on my shorts. I open the beer and drink. I drink until my throat burns and my eyes water. I sit down on the floor, leaning my back against the fridge and drinking. There's a trash bin filled with beer bottles against the wall. Guilt washes over me. It's a terrible feeling, knowing I hurt Josh. It's an even worse feeling knowing I did it on purpose. I hurt him on purpose so he'll hate me, so he'll never speak to me again. I don't deserve him. I drink. 

I think about the Polaroids we took together. I remember where Josh put them. I stand up, slowly, drink in hand. I rummage around on the top of the dresser Josh and I share. Shared. Unfinished essays and receipts slide under my fingertips as I search for the photos. I find each one, stacking them in a neat pile on the dresser. I take them in between my fingers and return to my spot on the floor by the fridge. I drink. 

I look through the photos. They're mostly pictures that Josh took of me. I'm smiling in them all. My dimples are showing. I look happy. I reach the photo I took of Josh. My tears return, falling down my cheeks and onto my shirt. He looks more than happy. There's a slight smile on his face and his eyes are crinkly. I remember that day. I remember that silly bet we had that I ended up losing. I remember what happened after I lost the bet, and then what happened after that. I open up the fridge behind me and get out another beer. I drink. 

I remember the fight we had that wasn't really a fight. Josh was upset with me because I thought he would be better off without me. He wasn't angry at me, just angry at my head for making me think that he didn't want to be with me. I told him I loved him that night while we swung back and forth on that old tree swing. I fell asleep in his arms, tears dried on my face. He told me he loved me too. And then I told him I loved him again. And again. And again. And we fell asleep. And everything was good. I drink. 

I drink, I drink, I drink, until the alcohol is running through my veins and running down my throat and tears are running down my face. I want him back. I want to see him again, hug him again, kiss him again, hold him again. Where is he? Where could he be? I know a few places but my vision is starting to blur, and not just from my tears. So I'll wait. 

An hour has passed, maybe two. Josh hasn't shown up yet. My throat is scratchy from crying. I've officially run out of tears. Then the door opens. Josh walks in, but he isn't alone. I stand up as quickly as my drunken legs will let me when I see Josh's face. My eyes trail to the left of him, to the man with bleach blonde hair. It's Jessie. They both have smiles on their faces. My stomach does back flips. I feel like I'm going to throw up. 

"Tyler," Josh's smile leaves his face as fast as the tears leave my eyes. I can't speak. I can't move. Jesse is smirking. "What are you doing here," Josh's eyes move to the empty beer bottles on the floor. "Fuck."

I have to get out of this room. I convince my legs to take steps, one foot in front of the other. I keep my head down as I move towards the door. Josh pushes lightly against my shoulder when I reach for the doorknob. 

"Wait," his fingertips squeeze lightly on my shoulder blades. I feel numb from his touch. "Wait," he says again. "Maybe you should go," Josh turns to Jessie. The smirk on his face is now a frown.   
"Are you serious?" Jessie spits.   
"Yeah," Josh nods. So Jessie flips Josh off and leaves. Josh takes his hand off of me. We stand alone in the room together. 

"What are you doing here, Tyler?" Josh sighs.   
"I came to find you."  
"Why?"   
I snort, "Why do you think? I can leave," I reach for the door knob for a second time.  
"You don't have to leave," Josh stops me.   
"I should leave."  
"I don't want you to," Josh shakes his head. He knits his eyebrows together.  
"Why do you want to see me after what I said?" I can feel my eyes filling up again.   
"Because I love you."  
"Do you love Jessie, too?"  
"What? No. No, Tyler. I don't love him. That was just- we just went out to get drinks. That's all. We didn't do anything," Josh takes a step towards me. My first instinct is to back away, but I don't. "I needed to get out of this dorm for a little while. Just to clear my head."  
"Yeah," I nod.   
"I've missed you."  
"I've missed you, too."  
"How much have you had to drink?" the atmosphere in the room has changed drastically.   
"I don't know. A lot," I chuckle.   
"You're a light weight, Ty."  
"I know that," I say while grinning.   
"I wish you didn't get drunk so we could have a real conversation," Josh admits.   
"I'm sorry."  
"It's okay." A tear falls down my cheek. "Hey, it's okay," Josh frowns, he wraps his fingers around my waist and presses his forehead to mine.   
"I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, Josh," I sob.   
"Tyler..."  
"I messed up," I look at my feet, "and I'm sorry."  
"I'm not mad at you."  
"Why not?" I stare at Josh in shock.   
"I understand why you said what you said. Why you did what you did. It wasn't just because of me," Josh rubs my arms.   
"That's not an excuse. I want to take it all back. I want to change what I said but I can't and I don't know what to do. I'm sorry I don't know how to fix it. Everything is so bad and I'm so sorry," I lose my breath while speaking. Josh pulls me into a hug. He rubs his hands up and down my back, comforting me. I breathe and cry and cry and cry.   
"You need to sleep it off," he whispers.   
"I can't sleep without you."  
"Then we'll sleep together." 

I can't let go of Josh quite yet. There's nothing I want more than to be in his arms right now. I want to stay here forever. I want to stay with him forever. I may be drunk, but I know what I want. I want Josh. 

After I deem our hug long enough, I snuggle into my bed. Josh climbs in beside me. I lay my head down on his chest. I breathe him in. He smells so sweet. I want to stay with my head on his chest until the day that I die. He wraps an arm around me, the other laying to his side. He lifts his hand up and runs his fingers through my hair. I've missed that feeling. I've missed laying in bed with him. I've missed him. I've missed kissing him. 

I lift my head up and kiss him. It's soft. His mouth tastes like liquor and mint. I breathe in fast through my nose. He tangles his fingers deeper in my hair as the kiss continues. I move my body closer to him. He keeps his arm around my waist. It feels amazing. My stomach is swirling with butterflies and alcohol. I keep my eyes shut. My entire body begins to tingle with the satisfaction of Josh and I's mouths finally together. Josh presses his cold hands against my hot stomach. He grips my hips.   
"Tyler," Josh hums.   
"I want you," I moan as Josh places tiny kisses on my neck.   
"What do you want?"   
"All of you," I whisper.  
"Not tonight."  
"Please."  
"I want you to be sober. So you can feel everything," he licks up my neck and down again.

I silently agree with Josh's request to wait, but reconnect our mouths. Our tongues touch for the first time in a week and I melt. I literally melt beside him and I can feel my drunken eyes fill with tears. I don't let them slip out. Arousal is creeping to my cheeks and in between my legs, and I know Josh feels it, too. 

I climb on top of Josh. Our crotches are pressed together. I roll my hips on top him. He groans, pressing his thumbs into my sides. The pain of him tightly grasping my hips surprises me, but I welcome it. I welcome both pain and pleasure. I welcome Josh's hands lifting my shirt up, and his hands against my chest. 

"Take off your pants," Josh says in a deep voice. It makes my heart stop beating.   
"I thought you said not tonight," I smile lazily, struggling to get my sweats down my legs. I fall sideways off of Josh's lay.  
"Mmm, got something else for you," Josh helps me with my pants, ripping them off, and throwing them to the floor. I lay beside Josh in my underwear.

Before I know it, I'm on my back, Josh is kissing up my stomach as he pushes my shirt past my chest. He begins sucking on my nipples. He does it agonizingly slow, making sure I feel every lick and pinch. I pull his hair with both of my hands. He kisses up to my mouth again, grazing his lips against mine before sucking on my neck again. His kisses are soft and warm. He gently bites into my skin and my eyes roll back.

"Can you hurry up," I grown. Josh giggles, scraping his teeth against my neck again.  
"Beg," he breathes.  
"Please, Josh," I whine. I twirl his hair around with my fingers before lightly tugging on it. "Please," I say again. He ignores me. 

Josh yanks my head backwards against my pillow with his fingers in my hair. I shriek under my breath. He shifts his position on top of me, shoving his knee in between my legs. I feel warmth in my stomach as he begins rubbing his knee on my groin. I see him smile right before I close my eyes. I clench my teeth and moan with my swollen lips parted. I grind down as Josh continues to move his leg against me. I'm amazed at how quickly I've become completely hard. Time without Josh has only increased my attraction and need for him.

"I'm gunna-" Josh covers my mouth and stops moving altogether.  
"Remember what we talked about? About telling me if you want to stop?" Josh says cooly, despite his knee being pressed against my obvious erection. "Nod." I nod. 

My underwear is off in an instant, and my shirt goes second. Josh's lips are on my lips, and then my neck, and then my chest, and then my stomach. My heart is beating through my skin when his lips touch the very tip of my dick. Josh hums when I arch my back. He keeps a hand against my mouth to quiet my sounds, and the other on my stomach. He removes his tongue. I groan in protest of him stopping. 

"You can't come yet," he tells me.   
"Why do you do this," I complain when he takes his hand off of my mouth.   
"Because," Josh smiles and slides out of the bunk, "it's fun."   
"Where are you going?" I feel like I'm going to cry out of pure desperation.   
"Shirt off." Josh doesn't answer my question but returns with a tiny bottle in his palm. He sits down in between my legs and adjusts them so my knees are to the ceiling. "I said shirt off," Josh repeats himself. I blush and remove my shirt. 

I hear the click of the bottle opening, and watch as Josh drips the substance onto two of his fingers. My stomach jumps in excitement. 

"Tell me if you want to stop," Josh says and suddenly a cold sensation in between my legs makes my entire body twitch. He rubs the lubricant around with his fingers. I clutch the back of my pillow and attempt to keep myself still. The feeling is familiar and it makes chill bumps arise on my entire body. I can't imagine ever wanting Josh to stop now. Not when his fingers are sliding up and down over my hole, and the coldness I once felt isn't cold anymore. 

"Are you ready?" Josh asks.   
"Ready for what?" I gasp. Josh smiles.   
"Ready to come harder than you ever have before in your life?" Josh sits up and hovers over my body. He keeps his fingers moving at a steady pace as he kisses me.   
"Okay," I nod. 

Josh kisses down my abdomen, returns his tongue to the head of my dick, and slides one finger inside of me. At first, I don't know how to react properly. I gasp and cover my mouth as an overwhelming amount of pleasure rushes over my body, making me light headed. He keeps the finger in one spot for a few moments while I breathe. When he starts moving the finger, I squeeze my eyes shut and hold my breath. I expected this to be more uncomfortable, more painful, but it isn't. 

"Okay." Josh removes his mouth. "Now this," I feel Josh slightly bend his finger inside of me, I moan, "is your prostate."

It's a type of pleasure I've never felt before. My head spins. I can't control my body anymore. I feel like I'm going to pass out. I don't know whether it's from the large amount of alcohol I just consumed, or from the pleasure. My mouth stays open as I try to catch my breath. Even though I'm completely out of breath, I'm still able to audibly moan and whine as Josh presses his finger upwards. He increases his speed, keeps his hands on the middle of my stomach to stop me from bucking my hips into the air. His arm keeps me in place well, as I never stop wiggling under his touch. 

"More," I choke out. Josh keeps one finger inside of me. He shakes his head, a look of determination covers his face. "Please," I cry.   
"I want you to come with only one finger," Josh states. My heart drops.   
"No," I shake my head.   
"You can't do it?"  
"I want more, Josh. Please," I beg. I'm surprised that I can still speak, because I'm still having trouble breathing.   
"You should be thankful I'm giving you anything at all," Josh shakes his head. I see him smirk and I feel anger build up inside of me.  
"I'm never sucking you off again," I whine.   
"What did you just say?" Josh is quickly hovering over me again, his nose almost touching mine. "That's not very nice," he says. He keeps his finger inside of me, but doesn't move it. I regret saying anything. I'm too brave when I'm drunk. Too brave for my own good.   
"I'm sorry," I apologize. I don't recognize my own voice. The pitch is drastically higher. 

Josh pushes his singly digit in deeper. I open my mouth but am unable to produce any sounds. He gradually picks up speed again. 

"If I weren't so turned on by you right now, I'd stop," Josh grins and to my surprise, he slowly pushes in another finger. My heart pauses and starts again. "You're so fucking hot like this," Josh whispers in my ear before returning to his previous position in between my legs. 

He works his fingers inside of me while I shake and shiver on my back. I know my orgasm is nearing, but I hold it off.   
"Oh my gosh," I cry out. I cover my hands with my face. I can't keep my hips from rolling in circles. "How many times," I inhale, "have you done this?" I ask. Josh laughs.   
"You think you can come without me touching you again?" Josh leans over me.   
"Yes," I answer immediately. I nod my head and Josh smiles, almost proudly.   
"Making you come is one of my favorite things to do, you know that?" Josh begins scissoring his fingers, spreading them apart inside of me. My throat tightens. I still can't get any sound to come out other than a small wheezing sound. "I'm missed you so much, Tyler," Josh says sweetly. 

My orgasm occurs without me even knowing, and I arch my neck and back as Josh arches his fingers. I can feel the veins in my neck as I struggle to scream. My lungs have stopped working. Ecstasy is the only word to describe the feeling that indulges my entire being. My legs shake. 

"Let it out," Josh says. And my throat opens up, a yell escaping it. "Good boy," Josh giggles. 

I don't stop shaking, and I can't stop the noises coming from my mouth. When I un-arch my back, a much needed breath fills my lungs. My fingers are grasping the sheets on either side of my trembling body. 

"Shh," Josh shushes me, finally removing his fingers. He crawls up next to me and cups my face with one of his hands. "People are going to think I'm murdering you in here." Josh kisses my mouth. I can't find the energy inside of me to kiss him back. My stomach is still tingling and my legs feel like noodles. Josh rubs my cheek with the his thumb, giving me time to cool down. 

"Thank you." I smile with my eyes closed.   
"Anytime," Josh kisses my cheek. "Felt good?"  
"Mmhm."  
"How good?" Josh teases.   
"So good," I sigh.   
"So so good?"  
"So so so good," I open my eyes to see Josh smiling at me.   
"I love you so much," Josh kisses me again. I kiss back this time. My heart, which has almost slowed down to its normal speed, beats faster.   
"I love you too. I'm sorry I said th-"  
"No," Josh shakes his head. "Not tonight, okay?" I nod. "Let's just rest. Can I clean you up?"  
I furrow my eyebrows before noticing the wet steaks across my stomach. I blush and nod. 

Josh carefully moves past me out of bed. He takes his shirt off, despite there being a towel on the floor, and wipes my stomach off. I shiver due to how sensitive I still am. I move my eyes all over Josh's chest and abs. I look over the tattoo on his arm that I love so much. I reach out and touch it. Suddenly I frown. There's a sickly feeling growing in my stomach and my face turns cold. 

"Josh," I whine. "I think I'm gunna be sick."  
Josh's eyes widen and he looks around the room for the trash can. He brings it to me just before I lean over and vomit. The continents in my stomach, which is mostly just beer, falls into the bin. Josh rubs my back as I cough.   
"No more excessive alcohol," Josh tells me softly. I moan and flop back down on the bed. "Better?"  
"Mm," I hum.   
"Do you need something? Water?" Josh sits down on the edge of the bed.   
"I just wanna brush my teeth and sleep."  
"Okay," Josh nods. "Do you have your toothbrush with you?"  
"No," I say, feeling tears well up in my eyes.   
"That's okay," Josh notices my worry. "I can get it for you. Just tell me what dorm you're in."  
"524," I mumble.   
"Key?"  
"In my pocket," I point to my sweatpants on the floor.   
"I'll be right back," Josh kisses my forehead. He shakes the key out of my pants before glancing at me and exiting the room. 

I wait patiently for Josh to return. I cannot help the smile that tugs at my lips and stings my cheeks. Although I still feel weak, and a bit sick, I wouldn't rather be anywhere else. Josh comes back with my toothbrush, and he helps me get clothed. I brush my teeth, and Josh stands beside me and brushes his. It feels like everything is finally back to normal. Josh can't keep his eyes off of me and I don't want him to. 

"You're not going to throw up again, are you?" Josh smiles.   
"No," I answer shyly.   
"Sleep," Josh says with a sigh. "I haven't been getting much of that lately."  
I cuddle my head into Josh's chest once again, feeling guilty because of his lack of sleep. "It's my fault.   
"No," Josh whispers. "It's not. You needed time, Tyler."  
"I'm so stupid for walking away," I frown.   
"We aren't talking about it tonight," Josh pets my hair. "I'm just happy to have you back."

I breathe Josh in. I press my lips against his chest and keep them there while my eyes close. Josh's fingers are in my hair, massaging my scalp. Today was a good day. Today I finally did something right. 

"Josh," I whisper.   
"Hm?"  
"Josh and Tyler. Tyler and Josh," I smile as I speak against Josh's chest.   
"Tyler and Josh sounds good."  
"Tyler and Josh. Tyler and Josh Dun. Tyler Dun. And Josh Dun."  
"Tyler Dun?"  
"Tyler and Josh Dun."  
"You want my last name?" Josh snorts.   
"I want to marry you." The words slip out, and for some reason, I don't regret them. Josh knows I want to spend the rest of my life with him. There's nothing wrong with telling the truth.   
"Isn't it a bit early for marriage?" Josh scratches my scalp before kissing the top of it.   
"Yes, doesn't mean I don't wanna marry you," I grin.   
"You can marry me one day."  
"Promise?"  
"I promise, Tyler Dun."

**Author's Note:**

> my name's mary and i cry over joshler.
> 
> im @tylerrarchive on twitter. :)


End file.
